After I died it took me a little time to get used to the fact. Especially since I didn't really believe I was dead. I mean, I still seemed to have a body; I was still corporeal, if that's the right word. I didn't remember any tunnels of light, or angels, or harps. Nothing like that. I just remember sitting in that nice hot bath, watching the water turn kind of pink and getting sleepy.
And I had this weird dream that Paul had come home from work and found me there and he had started yelling and trying to wake me up and then he ran to the phone and then ... he just slumped down next to the tub, sitting on the cold tiles of our bathroom floor, and he wept.
It was a great dream and I hated to wake up. It was like hitting the snooze button so you could just go back and dream a little bit more, even though you knew you were going to be late for your class. But, I had to get up. So I climbed out of that tub and walked to my room and got dressed, and then I saw Elvis.
"Hey little mama!" he said. And he looked great, like when he was young and thin and so sexy it hurt.
"Hi," I said.
"C'mon," he gestured with his head. "Let's go for a ride."
And I was like, oh boy! So I followed Elvis down to his car, a big white Cadillac convertible and got in. He pulled out easy and everyone stared, but they weren't looking at me, of course. Elvis put on some sunglasses and turned on the radio. It was playing 'Like A Stone' by Audioslave and he started tapping his fingers.
"I like these old boys," he told me.
We listened to the radio all the way until we got to the state line, which came a lot sooner than I remembered.
"Now leaving Life..." I read the sign out loud, "We'll miss you!" And there was a big picture of some people who looked an awful lot like my friends and family waving goodbye. "That was weird," I looked at Elvis.
"It gets weirder," was all he said.
The next sign said, "Welcome to Limbo." I frowned a little, "I thought Limbo was in Texas."
Elvis laughed. "Don't worry cherry girl, we're just passin' through!" And he stepped on the gas. "Hey, as long as were in Limbo..." The king looked around like somebody might be watching us as we drove along, but I hadn't seen another car at all. "You think you could do poor boy here a little favor?" He was sitting up a bit, working at his pants and freeing his penis. It was a big hard one too.
Well, like I was gonna turn down Elvis!? Yeah right! So I was giving him head and it was smooth! Oh, you have no idea. It was like his cock was made for my mouth, I just went down and down and down ... I came 3 times and I didn't even touch myself!
Elvis was singing to me though, 'Love Me Tender' and that might have had something to do with it.
Anyway, I was in for quite a shock when I saw the next sign. "Welcome to Hell" There wasn't a word about enjoying your stay, or anything. It was just a little sign.
"You're taking me to hell?" I yelled at Elvis. I tasted sperm and I licked my lips.
"I just drive, little mama."
Then I was like, Elvis is in hell? Well, how bad could it be? "What's it like?" I asked him.
"Hell?" He shrugged. "It's nice, you'll like it."
He drove us right into the city. Everything was made from some weird black rock that was veined with crimson, like fancy marble from Italy. Except it wasn't chiseled or cut, it looked like it was smooth and shiny and wax-like, rising up in tall spindly spires, like great tongues of black flame. I thought it was pretty intense.
We pulled up to a door and Elvis waved as I got out. "Hey aren't you coming?" I asked him.
"Me? No, I gotta get back to Heaven." He smiled. "You have fun now, little mama!" And then he sped off, honking his horn a couple times.
The Chapter Only
"Welcome to Hell." The doors opened and a guy who looked an awful lot like the devil himself was standing there.
"Who are you?" I asked a little suspiciously.
"I'm the goddamn devil," he smiled. "Can I get your bags?"
"I don't have any bags." I shrugged and started wondering what kind of a dream this was. I mean the bit with Elvis was cool, but now it was just getting surreal.
"Oh, well, that's fine too." He gestured and I walked past him slowly into the grand foyer of a large hotel. "I've reserved you the bridal suite." He raised his eyebrows, "I hope you'll like it."
"Bridal suite?" I stared at him. "What happened to the lake of fire and pitchforks and endless torments and stuff?"
"Huh?" He looked genuinely shocked. "I'm not sure," he said cautiously. Then he brightened, "But we do have a great brunch buffet, really, it's good. We call it the Bruffet. Are you hungry?"
"No, not really."
"Oh." He seemed sort of sad.
"Where is everyone?" I looked around and the place seemed deserted.
"Everyone?" He looked around too.
"Yeah, um ... Where's Adolf Hitler? And Jeffrey Dahlmer? And um ... Judas? Isn't Judas here? I'd love to talk to him."
"Uh ... no, there's just us."
"You're the first person to be damned."
"What?" I gave him the look I reserved for idiots who told me there were aliens abducting cows.
"You're it, yep ... Number one!" He smiled. "I'm really glad you're here too!"
"You mean to say nobody else, in all of human history, has ever been damned to Hell before?"
"Uhhhhh..." Satan looked at me very apologetically, "No. I mean ... Yeah. That about sums it up."
"But what did I do? I mean, I killed myself, so what? Zillions of folks do that all the time! I lied, I cheated at Monopoly, I fucked every chance I got, drank, did drugs, shoplifted, kicked a dog, strangled a cat almost to death once, ummm ... I swear a lot, I eat meat on Fridays, masturbate during confession, and plot to seduce my father. Now tell me, I'm the only one in Hell just because of that?"
"Hmmm ... That and, well, I asked for you."
"You asked for me?"
"Yeah. God drew to an inside straight, always a bad idea, and well, I had a pair of fives."
"I'm in Hell because God lost at cards?"
"Uhhhh ... Yeah."
"To a pair of fives?"
"Jesus Christ!" I swore.
"He folded." Satan smiled as he remembered the hand in question, somewhat nostalgically, I thought.
"So you asked for me..." I shook my head, trying to understand. "By name?"
"Mmmm ... Not exactly."
"Then what? Why did I get picked to come to Hell?"
"It's lonely down here, come on!" He spread his arms. "God forgives everyone. Hell, I can't even get the really bad people ... So I said, Lord, you gotta give me some company, Dude."
"And he gave you me?"
Satan nodded. "I, um ... I bought you flowers." He ran over to the front desk of the empty hotel and retrieved a bouquet of black roses. He ran back and held them out, smiling shyly. "I tried to get red ones, you know, with baby's breath, but they were all out."
"Black roses?" I stared at them.
"And um ... This too..." The devil reached into his pocket and pulled something out. He looked around a little self-consciously, but there wasn't even a tumbleweed rolling through. I watched in shock as Lucifer knelt on floor and held out his hand, palm up with a little box on it. He opened it slowly to reveal a diamond ring. "Rachael, will you, uh, marry me?"
It was a pretty big diamond, three carats easy and it was gorgeous, just glittering there. But...
"I don't know ... This is pretty, um ... Sudden..." I looked at him, feeling my heart softening just a little.
"Not for me!" he insisted. "I've ... well, God offered me some ... choices, different girls that I might like. I watched them, I watched ... you ... I mean." He blushed a little, "I fell in love with you the day I saw you having sex with your best friend's dad."
"You fell in love with me because I had sex with Jenny's dad?" I stared at him. "I was only 16 then!"
"No!" He shook his head. "No, not because of that ... I fell in love with you because after he was done you called his wife at work and told her all about it!"
"Oh." I'd tried to forget that.
"Twice!" Satan giggled.
"Well, I was young..." I rolled my eyes and smiled a little, " ... and she hung up on me the first time."
"A girl who could do that?" He nodded seriously. "That's the girl for me!"
"Uh, who was my ... er, competition?" I wondered.