"You could do Lewis you know."
"Do what with Lewis?"
"You know ... sleep with him, the horizontal mumbo, sex."
"You are drunk." I replied.
Of course I was drunk too. My girlfriend Mary and I were sitting at her kitchen table. We were supposed to be planning her upcoming wedding, but a pitcher of margaritas later, Mary started in again on the considerable bedroom skills of her finance Lewis.
"OK Mary I'll bite, why are offering Lewis, and his talents to me?" My speech was a bit slurred.
"Something Lewis said a while back makes me think Lewis feels uncomfortable, because Tony your hubby, and I used to date."
I laughed out loud. "DATE-is that what you call it? I was your roommate Mary remember! You and Tony screwed like rabbits for two weeks, when we were all in college, a million years ago. If I recall, you dropped Tony for that exchange student from Norway. Ripped poor Tony's heart right out."
"Oh Yeah -Knute..." Mary had a far way look in her eyes for a moment, before coming back to me. "Sarah I do not see you complaining. You snatched Tony up on the rebound pretty quick. Healed his heart, and other parts of his lower body real fast."
"Damn straight, so I am not about to let Tony go after ten years, for a roll in the hay. I don't care how good you say Lewis is."
"Tell you what Sarah." Mary waved her half full glass at me. "Lewis may act all polite, and conservative-but that man, is THE MAN in the bedroom. Damn guy can read a girls mind, her body-knows just what I want, when I want it, where I want, and how I want it. I recall dusty memories that Tony was good, but tell me you don't wonder after a decade."
"My God Mary, we are two grown woman-almost middle aged. We're nurses-at least you still are -now I'm mother of two. Yet we are still talking about sex like a couple of high school girls the day after prom."
"Ya right! Tell me you do not enjoy it. I see the look in your eyes when I tell you about Lewis and I."
"I am not going to deny that I get a little hot." I responded. "And there is no doubt that Tony benefits when I get home." I sipped my drink some more. "I nearly raped him when he came in the door last week from work -I was so horny after our last Wedding planning session, and your very vivid ... recall."
"Sarah I have kissed a lot of frogs in a 35 year on and off search for my prince Lewis. I plan to live happily ever after with him. I don't want any last minute regrets on his part. This last send-off as a wedding gift should make ultimate present-because after Lewis puts that ring on the finger, every part of his groin belongs to me!" Mary laughed. "But the main reason is, have you noticed that while Lewis, and your husband Tony like the same sport's teams, have the same taste in cars, beer, etc. Yet Lewis is always a little uneasy around Tony, they never really get along. Tony is friendly, but Lewis is always holding back. I know he not like that around other guys. I want your hubby Tony, and you to be a part of our lives after Lewis and I are married. Do the bar-b-que, bridge night, holiday dinners, pool parties, all the traditions, good times we and our parents had when we were growing up.
"And me knocking boots with Lewis is going to solve that? What the heck Mary -you and I have known each other since before high school. You can't expect Tony, and Lewis to bond overnight."
Mary speech was not slurred, but her eyes were shiny. "So what -you wanna do Lewis."
"Sure why not." I said sarcastically. "Oh wait -are you going to give me a place to live, and support me when Tony throws me out after divorcing my butt? Tony has REAL strong opinions about his wife cheating- he is against it." I laughed.
"Well what if Tony gave you his permission." Mary was peering at me over the rim of her glass.
"You a hypnotist now Mary? Going to do a Jedi Star Wars mind trick on Tony? Because unless Tony is dead, or in a coma -that is the only why he would agree to let me screw someone else."
"You didn't say No I noticed." Mary put down her glass "Let's just say, for example that Tony cheated first. Then your affair was just to even the score."
"I am cutting you off the booze." I pulled the pitcher on the table toward me. "If I found Tony was cheating, I would kill him first."
"Sarah we both know Tony worships the ground you walk on. Those two boys of yours are his life. He would crawl over broken glass to get you a drink of water. So I doubt he would screw around on you. But we don't need Tony to cheat. We just need to make Tony THINK he cheated."
"Oh my God." I put my head in my hands. "This is starting to sound like a bad 1970s sit-com."
"No Sarah listen." Mary said looking up. "We get Tony to think he cheated on you. Get him drunk, or something. You threaten to divorce him, and cut him off from the kids. Unless you have a fling of your own."
"You really need to switch to coffee." I said. "How does Lewis come into this circus? I though he was a straight arrow. A regular Dudley Doright."
"I note you haven't said No yet." Mary tipped her glass. "Look I tell Lewis your marriage is going to end if you cannot have an affair to even the playing field with Tony' cheating. I'll say, you do not want to just pick up a stranger in some bar, the danger, disease, stuff like that. I talk about the effect of divorce on the kids, no Dad, broken home, blah, blah, blah. Lewis's white knight instincts will kick in, he won't object when I ask him to volunteer. Heck, he just might volunteer himself after hearing your sob story. We know Lewis is too much of gentleman to ever say anything after your night of heaven. Lewis will now feel even with Tony. We all live happily ever after."
"All this because Lewis is jealous over some hook-up sex between you and Tony that happened before you met Lewis? That is nuts. Anyway, not gonna work, because Tony never gets drunk. Except the time after the birth of each of his two sons. I am not going to have another child, just so we can get Tony drunk."
"You still haven't said No yet I notice." Mary reached for the pitcher. "Not a big deal, you slip Tony a sedative in his drink on a night when Lewis is doing the volunteer fireman duty thing. Lewis is a great guy, but feels at a disadvantage when he is with Tony. I guess Lewis is like a kid who didn't get to play with his favorite toy first. You know men have such F'n fragile egos. They all want to be Christopher Columbus, discover the new land. God forbid they are not the first to plant the flag. This will get them to par."
I had to laugh. "True enough Mary. Never seen a guy object to buying a dealer model sports car that other people drove. Yet they want all us girls to be practically virgins." We both started giggling. "And what do you get out of this Mary?"
"Oh lots." Mary giggled more. "Lewis gets one last fling, because I am never letting him go after this. A great wedding present for him. Plus I do not have to worry if he is with you. It is not like you two are going to run away to a dental floss planation in Montana. I will even have a get out of jail card. Some day if I max out the credit account, or dent the car-I can pull this trump out. I still see you have not declined yet."
"I haven't said yes either." I stood up but the room was wobbly. "Mary let me get out of here before you start making sense." I stumbled over to Mary, and we hugged. I ambled toward the door, glad we only lived a block apart, so I could walk home. I would have blown a .09 on a breathalyzer. Most definitely could have driven into a car full of nuns, holding babies, if I had taken the minivan.
I woke up a bit hung over, but real horny-an odd combination. Some aspirin, than coffee took care of the hangover. My vibrator was taking care of the other issue. However this time, instead of my usual cast of imaginary lovers (yes we all have them from Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, to that cute college kid doing lawn work) I kept seeing Lewis in my mind. Thinking of all the things Mary had said Lewis was good at, imagining him with me. Damn I came harder than I had in a long time, -and twice in a row. As I lay back in bed trying to catch my breath, I wondered if Lewis was really all Mary made him out to be. Sure Lewis was fit, always looked good. Plus he had those blue eyes, and broad shoulders ... I opened my eyes, getting ahold of myself. I had a good man, great father and loving husband ... but still. I heaved a sigh, than got out of bed walking into the shower, taking thoughts of Lewis with me. Another imaginary round with Lewis would not be so bad. I turned on the hot water, closed my eyes, as visions of Lewis and I filled my head...
I was practically climbing the walls when Tony came home from work that day. I told Tony to give the boys twenty dollars, sending them to their friends. It went like that all week, Tony thought he was in 7th heaven, asking only once what was going on. But as much as Tony gave me-and he did ring my chimes-I couldn't get the thoughts of Lewis out of my head. It was like I was possessed, in a constant state of arousal. I finally broke down, telling Mary about it over coffee one morning.
"So what is stopping you?" Mary asked putting sugar in her coffee. "You know I am OK with it. Just give me the green light."
"Oh Mary. It is just a stupid fantasy. I could never do that to Tony."
"You are not doing anything TO Tony. You are doing something FOR yourself. Come on Sarah, you have been stuck in this house as a diligent mother, wife, housekeeper, lover, for the past decade. Always doing for Tony, and the boys. Don't you deserve a little something? Just this once for yourself-do something for yourself. Tony owes it to you."
"Well I don't know." I felt myself buying into Mary's logic. "I wouldn't know how to even go about this. Like where are we going to find this fallen dove that Tony is supposed to have been with?"
"No Problem." Mary knew I was weakening. "I can be the soiled dove. I mean nothing will happen. We will have Tony wake up in my bed, and he will think we did it. That will make it all the worse sleeping with his wife's best friend. I can say Tony took advantage of me when I was drunk. I'll claim in my state, I thought he was Lewis. You can make part of the deal, Tony never tells Lewis. That way they both have a little secret from each other."
"This is crazy."
"It's not crazy. Sarah soon we're both not gonna be hot MILFs anymore. We will turn into these ladies that everyone calls "Mrs." The almost gray hairs, that no one pays attention to. We are going to go from being hot-to having hot flashes. Before you become invisible, have some fun just this once. I have sowed some wild oats, but am done, and ready for Lewis. I know you were pretty calm, even before you met Tony. Take the plunge, live a little, just this once!"
"Let me think about it." I said, but I knew Mary's excitement was catching. She could see it too.
Three days later Mary was at my door. She opened her hand to display a palm full of pills.
"How did you get these?" I recognized the pills immediately.
"Swing shift." Mary took off her white lab coat. "They will never miss them."
I examined one of the pills closely. "These things will knock down a bull elephant. Doc gave me these after my C section. I was down and out-I mean REALLY out for hours."
"Yeah." Mary grinned "These babies are the real deal. We put Plan "Sarah Gets Laid" into action Friday."
"So soon." I was suddenly both nervous, and excited at the same time.
"Sure why not?" Mary sat down. "Lewis is doing an overnight at the fire station Friday night. You can drop the boys off at Tony's parents for the weekend. This way you can toss him out, let him stew Saturday and Sunday before you explain the deal that lets him off the hook."
"You think I should throw him out of his own house?"
"It is just for a couple of days. You need to act really mad. Go on the offensive. Heck even pack a bag for him. Have it waiting when Tony's slinks in the front door."
And that is how I found myself in Mary's bedroom Friday night. Undressing an unconscious Tony, on Mary's bed.
"I forgot how heavy dead weight was." I got Tony's pants, and shorts off, folding them onto a chair in the room. Tony was snoring lying on his back.
"I can't believe we got him up the stairs." Mary said. She was coming out of her bathroom in an oversize Tee shirt. "I did not think Tony would knock out so fast after you put the pills in his drink when he went to the bathroom."
"Well I put in a little extra." I replied. "I did not want Tony waking up in the middle of this."
"Not a chance." Mary then handed me a tube of her lipstick. "Here Sarah put some rings around his rosey. Got to make it look good."
I giggled while putting on Mary's lipstick. I then did my best to raise Tony's flag, but while I got a good amount of Mary's lipstick on his penis -Tony stayed limp, and kept snoring. I do think l I saw a little smile on his face.
"Now shoo." Mary said pushing me out the bedroom door toward the stairs. "Stick to the story. We were all at the nightclub celebrating my wedding engagement. Tony dropped you off first at your house, then walked me home because I was a bit tipsy. I will wake him up around 8:00AM. Do the old shock and awe –I am so ashamed –what will Lewis & Sarah say-routine. Then send Tony home." Mary giggled. "Maybe I will shove Tony out the doors without his pants."
I laughed too, we both had a bit to drink at the nightclub-some liquid courage. "Naw, let him have his pants. Maybe send him home without his shoes."
"Done." Mary was still giggling. "When do you plan to have Lewis."
"I made reservations at the Hilton for next Saturday." I said "Got the big suite with the Jacuzzi.I am only going to do this once, so I want to do it big. Something I will remember."
"Whooo nice." Mary clapped her hands. "Lewis loves the water, I'll start working on him Monday. You are going remember the night for a long time girl!"
We hugged, then I skipped down the stairs.
I was excited as kid on Xmas eve, barely able to sleep I pulled a small suitcase out of the closet, packing Tony some stuff to last the weekend. Putting the suitcase by the door. I thought about letting him stew until mid-week, but I wanted Tony to be home when the kids came back from his folks. I would let him come back home Sunday night. Tony would get the silent treatment until Wednesday. Then the choice of a divorce, and not seeing his sons. Or I get a one night fling also. I would never tell him the fling was Lewis ... ahh Lewis ... I started daydreaming about the time we were going to have together. All the things we were going to do. The stuff Mary had been bragging about forever. I had a purchased a sexy outfit, while Mary gave me some lotions to try. Should I let Lewis have my ass? Mary said he was big-but gentle, really knowing how to make you come, -even while being butt-fucked. Oh hell why not? Tony is never going to know. I was not ever going to do anything like this again.
I looked down at my watch it was 8:45. How long had I been daydreaming? By 9:30 I was now really pissed. Where the hell was that Bastard Tony? Hiding at his parents? I had all the car keys, and his wallet, so where could he be!
At 10:22 my cell phone rang. I saw it was Tony's number. The coward was not even going to come home! I bet he was going to try some lame excuse.Not even tell me he woke up with Mary. That prick! Well I was not going to play that game. I flipped open my phone.
"Where the hell are YOU!" I shouted into the phone. "Where the hell, and who have you been with all night -You son of a bitch!"
"TONY'S DEAD! TONY'S DEAD!" It was Mary's voice on the other end of the phone, she was on the edge of panic. Mary broke into sobs, I couldn't understand what she said after that, as my vision started to blur, then my legs became rubber.
My world went black. I slumped down the wall but gripped the phone to my ear like a lifeline. Mary was almost hysterical, between sobs, crying and gasping I heard "All wrong ... aspirated ... in shower just a minute ... vomit ... no pulse ... Lewis ... home ... rescue ... Mercy Hospital."
"MARY MARY!" I screamed into the phone. "WHERE IS TONY! WHERE IS TONY NOW!"
On the other end of the line Mary was finally able to pull herself together, stringing out a coherent sentence. "Tony was taken to Mercy ... I'm at Mercy ... they said ... they said he was gone ... Tony is dead..." Then Mary broke into sobs again, and I could not understand anything. I snapped the phone shut grabbed my car keys, purse, sprinting for the door. The damn suitcase I had packed for Tony was leaning against the door frame, it caught my foot. I tripped, smacking down in what would have been a painful fall. My mind did not register anything, it was filled with Mary's voice and the terrible words "Tony's Dead, Tony's Dead" repeating itself.
I don't know how I got to the hospital. Stop signs, red lights, speed limits –I do not recall any of them. My mind was on auto pilot. All I could hear over, and over, was "Tony's Dead! Tony's Dead"
The father of my children, the one love of my life was gone! My partner of what seemed like forever had died! This could not be real!
Mary was the first one I saw when I ran thru the ER entrance. Mary had her cell phone to ear. She looked like hell, she saw me than jumped up, rushing to embrace me in a big hug...
"SARAH THANK GOD!-I was trying to reach you-THEY GOT A PULSE! THEY GOT A PULSE!"
"Mary -you mean Tony is alive!"
"Yes Sarah! Tony is still alive!" Mary started crying "It was awful. They wanted to call it, but Lewis kept doing CPR-he would not let them quit..."
I did not hear anything else. Tony was alive! That was all that mattered! My legs went weak, while my vision started to gray out. Mary had to guide me to a bench in the hallway.
After a few minutes my sight cleared, but Mary was still babbling. Hugging me, while half crying, and half talking. I pulled her back interrupting her babbling.
"Mary what the hell happened? What happened to Tony? Why are you talking about Lewis?"
Mary brushed the hair out of her eyes. She tried to talk several time before spitting out.
"Sarah it was terrible! Terrible! At first everything was fine. I tried to wake Tony up at 8:00, but he was still pretty groggy and out of it. I thought I would take a shower, then hit him with my shocked-man-in-my-bed act. I swear Tony was fine when I went into the shower. It was only a few minutes-I swear." Mary started to sob again. "I was just rinsing off when there was a huge commotion in the bedroom. I grabbed a towel as I stepped out of the shower, and..." Mary broke down into sobs again.
"Damn it Mary! What the hell happened to my Husband!" I was almost on the edge of breakdown myself.
"I guess Tony must have rolled onto his back vomiting while I was in the shower." Mary wiped her eyes. "You know how we used to get a few people a month here who had aspirated, choked to death on their own vomit."
"My God!" was all I could muster.