"You could do Lewis you know."
"Do what with Lewis?"
"You know ... sleep with him, the horizontal mumbo, sex."
"You are drunk." I replied.
Of course I was drunk too. My girlfriend Mary and I were sitting at her kitchen table. We were supposed to be planning her upcoming wedding, but a pitcher of margaritas later, Mary started in again on the considerable bedroom skills of her finance Lewis.
"OK Mary I'll bite, why are offering Lewis, and his talents to me?" My speech was a bit slurred.
"Something Lewis said a while back makes me think Lewis feels uncomfortable, because Tony your hubby, and I used to date."
I laughed out loud. "DATE-is that what you call it? I was your roommate Mary remember! You and Tony screwed like rabbits for two weeks, when we were all in college, a million years ago. If I recall, you dropped Tony for that exchange student from Norway. Ripped poor Tony's heart right out."
"Oh Yeah -Knute..." Mary had a far way look in her eyes for a moment, before coming back to me. "Sarah I do not see you complaining. You snatched Tony up on the rebound pretty quick. Healed his heart, and other parts of his lower body real fast."
"Damn straight, so I am not about to let Tony go after ten years, for a roll in the hay. I don't care how good you say Lewis is."
"Tell you what Sarah." Mary waved her half full glass at me. "Lewis may act all polite, and conservative-but that man, is THE MAN in the bedroom. Damn guy can read a girls mind, her body-knows just what I want, when I want it, where I want, and how I want it. I recall dusty memories that Tony was good, but tell me you don't wonder after a decade."
"My God Mary, we are two grown woman-almost middle aged. We're nurses-at least you still are -now I'm mother of two. Yet we are still talking about sex like a couple of high school girls the day after prom."
"Ya right! Tell me you do not enjoy it. I see the look in your eyes when I tell you about Lewis and I."
"I am not going to deny that I get a little hot." I responded. "And there is no doubt that Tony benefits when I get home." I sipped my drink some more. "I nearly raped him when he came in the door last week from work -I was so horny after our last Wedding planning session, and your very vivid ... recall."
"Sarah I have kissed a lot of frogs in a 35 year on and off search for my prince Lewis. I plan to live happily ever after with him. I don't want any last minute regrets on his part. This last send-off as a wedding gift should make ultimate present-because after Lewis puts that ring on the finger, every part of his groin belongs to me!" Mary laughed. "But the main reason is, have you noticed that while Lewis, and your husband Tony like the same sport's teams, have the same taste in cars, beer, etc. Yet Lewis is always a little uneasy around Tony, they never really get along. Tony is friendly, but Lewis is always holding back. I know he not like that around other guys. I want your hubby Tony, and you to be a part of our lives after Lewis and I are married. Do the bar-b-que, bridge night, holiday dinners, pool parties, all the traditions, good times we and our parents had when we were growing up.
"And me knocking boots with Lewis is going to solve that? What the heck Mary -you and I have known each other since before high school. You can't expect Tony, and Lewis to bond overnight."
Mary speech was not slurred, but her eyes were shiny. "So what -you wanna do Lewis."
"Sure why not." I said sarcastically. "Oh wait -are you going to give me a place to live, and support me when Tony throws me out after divorcing my butt? Tony has REAL strong opinions about his wife cheating- he is against it." I laughed.
"Well what if Tony gave you his permission." Mary was peering at me over the rim of her glass.
"You a hypnotist now Mary? Going to do a Jedi Star Wars mind trick on Tony? Because unless Tony is dead, or in a coma -that is the only why he would agree to let me screw someone else."
"You didn't say No I noticed." Mary put down her glass "Let's just say, for example that Tony cheated first. Then your affair was just to even the score."
"I am cutting you off the booze." I pulled the pitcher on the table toward me. "If I found Tony was cheating, I would kill him first."
"Sarah we both know Tony worships the ground you walk on. Those two boys of yours are his life. He would crawl over broken glass to get you a drink of water. So I doubt he would screw around on you. But we don't need Tony to cheat. We just need to make Tony THINK he cheated."
"Oh my God." I put my head in my hands. "This is starting to sound like a bad 1970s sit-com."
"No Sarah listen." Mary said looking up. "We get Tony to think he cheated on you. Get him drunk, or something. You threaten to divorce him, and cut him off from the kids. Unless you have a fling of your own."
"You really need to switch to coffee." I said. "How does Lewis come into this circus? I though he was a straight arrow. A regular Dudley Doright."
"I note you haven't said No yet." Mary tipped her glass. "Look I tell Lewis your marriage is going to end if you cannot have an affair to even the playing field with Tony' cheating. I'll say, you do not want to just pick up a stranger in some bar, the danger, disease, stuff like that. I talk about the effect of divorce on the kids, no Dad, broken home, blah, blah, blah. Lewis's white knight instincts will kick in, he won't object when I ask him to volunteer. Heck, he just might volunteer himself after hearing your sob story. We know Lewis is too much of gentleman to ever say anything after your night of heaven. Lewis will now feel even with Tony. We all live happily ever after."
"All this because Lewis is jealous over some hook-up sex between you and Tony that happened before you met Lewis? That is nuts. Anyway, not gonna work, because Tony never gets drunk. Except the time after the birth of each of his two sons. I am not going to have another child, just so we can get Tony drunk."
"You still haven't said No yet I notice." Mary reached for the pitcher. "Not a big deal, you slip Tony a sedative in his drink on a night when Lewis is doing the volunteer fireman duty thing. Lewis is a great guy, but feels at a disadvantage when he is with Tony. I guess Lewis is like a kid who didn't get to play with his favorite toy first. You know men have such F'n fragile egos. They all want to be Christopher Columbus, discover the new land. God forbid they are not the first to plant the flag. This will get them to par."
I had to laugh. "True enough Mary. Never seen a guy object to buying a dealer model sports car that other people drove. Yet they want all us girls to be practically virgins." We both started giggling. "And what do you get out of this Mary?"
"Oh lots." Mary giggled more. "Lewis gets one last fling, because I am never letting him go after this. A great wedding present for him. Plus I do not have to worry if he is with you. It is not like you two are going to run away to a dental floss planation in Montana. I will even have a get out of jail card. Some day if I max out the credit account, or dent the car-I can pull this trump out. I still see you have not declined yet."
"I haven't said yes either." I stood up but the room was wobbly. "Mary let me get out of here before you start making sense." I stumbled over to Mary, and we hugged. I ambled toward the door, glad we only lived a block apart, so I could walk home. I would have blown a .09 on a breathalyzer. Most definitely could have driven into a car full of nuns, holding babies, if I had taken the minivan.
I woke up a bit hung over, but real horny-an odd combination. Some aspirin, than coffee took care of the hangover. My vibrator was taking care of the other issue. However this time, instead of my usual cast of imaginary lovers (yes we all have them from Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, to that cute college kid doing lawn work) I kept seeing Lewis in my mind. Thinking of all the things Mary had said Lewis was good at, imagining him with me. Damn I came harder than I had in a long time, -and twice in a row. As I lay back in bed trying to catch my breath, I wondered if Lewis was really all Mary made him out to be. Sure Lewis was fit, always looked good. Plus he had those blue eyes, and broad shoulders ... I opened my eyes, getting ahold of myself. I had a good man, great father and loving husband ... but still. I heaved a sigh, than got out of bed walking into the shower, taking thoughts of Lewis with me. Another imaginary round with Lewis would not be so bad. I turned on the hot water, closed my eyes, as visions of Lewis and I filled my head...
I was practically climbing the walls when Tony came home from work that day. I told Tony to give the boys twenty dollars, sending them to their friends. It went like that all week, Tony thought he was in 7th heaven, asking only once what was going on. But as much as Tony gave me-and he did ring my chimes-I couldn't get the thoughts of Lewis out of my head. It was like I was possessed, in a constant state of arousal. I finally broke down, telling Mary about it over coffee one morning.
"So what is stopping you?" Mary asked putting sugar in her coffee. "You know I am OK with it. Just give me the green light."
"Oh Mary. It is just a stupid fantasy. I could never do that to Tony."
"You are not doing anything TO Tony. You are doing something FOR yourself. Come on Sarah, you have been stuck in this house as a diligent mother, wife, housekeeper, lover, for the past decade. Always doing for Tony, and the boys. Don't you deserve a little something? Just this once for yourself-do something for yourself. Tony owes it to you."
.... There is more of this story ...