SUPERIOR COURT TRIAL PART 99 JUDGE POMPHREY PRESIDING
Clerk: People vs. Charles Friendly, Statutory Rape, your honor.
Judge: Prosecutor, good to see you again. Defense, welcome to my court. That is the defendant, I take it? And the supposed victim, this is she?
Prosecutor: That is correct, judge. The State will show that Mr. Friendly, 18 years old at the time, had unlawful intercourse with Miss Cherry Diddlins, then 14 years old.
Defense: We are ready, your honor.
Judge: The prosecution will state its case.
Prosecution: I call Miss Cherry Diddlins to the stand.
Clerk: Raise your right hand. You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Miss Diddlins: Oh, sure.
Prosecution: Miss Diddlins, do you see the man who raped you in this court?
Miss Diddlins: You mean Charlie? Charlie didn't rape me. That's Charlie over there. Hi, Charlie.
Prosecution: Let the record show that Miss Diddlins identified Mr. Charles Friendly, the defendant. Miss Diddlins, is it not true that Mr. Friendly had sexual intercourse with you on the afternoon of March 14, at the home of the defendant, you being 14 years old at the time?
Miss Diddlins: What day of the week was that?
Miss Diddlins: Well, it could have been March 14.
Prosecution: Can't you be more specific?
Miss Diddlins: Hey, it's you with all the paperwork. Don't you know?
Prosecution: I now enter into evidence an arrest record, People's number 1. The Court can observe that the arrest is dated March 14.
Miss Diddlins: Told you.
Prosecution: Miss Diddlins, is it not true that Mr. Friendly had sexual intercourse with you on that date, March 14?
Miss Diddlins: Ask his Ma. She came busting in and caught us.
Judge: Yes or no, Miss Diddlins.
Miss Diddlins: Well, sure. I mean, yes.
Prosecution: Thank you, Miss Diddlins. Your witness, Counselor.
Defense: Miss Diddlins. You and Charlie Friendly were over at his parents' house that afternoon?
Miss Diddlins: That's right.
Defense: How did you come to be there?
Miss Diddling: Charlie told me that his Ma would be out late, so we would have the house to ourselves. Guess he was surprised.
Defense: So he invited you?
Miss Diddlins: Like I told you.
Defense: How was it that Charlie, a senior, invited you, when you are just a freshman?
Miss Diddlins: Don't you think I'm cute?
Defense: Doesn't matter what I think, Miss Diddlins.
Miss Diddlins: That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
Defense: Your Honor?
Judge: The Court will take judicial notice that Miss Diddlins is cute.
Miss Diddlins: Thanks, Judge. Why don't you just call me Cherry? Everybody does.
Prosecution: Objection, relevance.
Miss Diddlins: I don't think you like me at all. First you go after Charlie, then you object to me.
Defense: That's his job, Cherry.
Miss Diddlins: Ooo, I like it when you call me Cherry! But I don't think I'd ever go out with someone who had a job like that.
[Laughter in the courtroom.]
Prosecution: Your Honor!
Judge: Well, I wouldn't go out with you either. But the jury will ignore the young lady's statement.
Defense: We seem to be drifting. To repeat my question, Cherry, how is it that Charlie invited you over?
Miss Diddlins: I suppose now you will tell everybody.
Defense: There's no help for it. It will be on the record. Please answer the question.
Miss Diddlins: Well, OK. I saw Charlie in the hallway at school, and I thought he was just so hot. So I found out who he was. Then I came up to him next day and asked him real nice if he could help me with my algebra. God knows I could use help with algebra, so it wasn't a lie. Charlie, you stop smiling!
Defense: Did he agree?
Miss Diddlins: Charlie is not slow.
Defense: So you made some kind of arrangement?
Miss Diddlins: My folks are home a lot, so we arranged to meet at Charlie's house, because we would have the house to ourselves, like I told that ugly person over there.
Defense: Let the record show that Miss Diddlins is referring to the prosecutor.
Prosecution: I object!
Judge: And well you may, but it won't do you any good.
Defense: So when you went to Charlie's house, what happened?
Miss Diddlins: We went up to Charlie's room, so we could be more comfortable. So we were laying on the bed talking...
Defense: You both were on the bed already?
Miss Diddlins: Well, I jumped on the bed when we got into the room, and Charlie just laid down next to me. The bed was made up with clean sheets, so I think Charlie was planning on being extra hospitable. I admire that in a guy.
Defense: Then what happened?
Miss Diddlins: Charlie told me I looked good enough to eat, and could he kiss me.
Miss Diddlins: So I kissed him first. Boy, was he a good kisser!
Prosecution: Strike, relevance.
Miss Diddlins: Hey, kissing is relevant. You can't just start humping away. That's not making love, at least the way I like it.
Judge: I agree. You can't overrule kissing.
Defense: So, Cherry, did there come a time when Charlie put his hand on your breast.
Miss Diddlins: Did there ever! When Charlie strokes your boobie it sends like a throbbing right down to your ... well, down there. I was melting right into the mattress.
Defense: Did Charlie say anything?
Miss Diddlins: He asked if he could take off my top.
Defense: What did you do?
Miss Diddlins: I took off my top. No sense having guys rip off buttons.
Defense: What did he do then?
Miss Diddlins: He just sort of stared at my boobies.
Defense: Why would he do that?
Miss Diddlins: Well, I do have nice boobies, if I say so myself. So he was sort of lusting after them.
Prosecution: Objection. What possible relevance do nice boobies have?
Judge: The jury will ignore Cherry's nice boobies.
Prosecution: I request a mistrial. There is no way an all-male jury can ignore Miss Boobies' diddlins—er, Miss Diddlin's boobies.
[Laughter in the courtroom]
Judge: I'll take the boobies under consideration.
Defense: So then what happened?
Miss Diddlins: Charlie asked me if he could kiss them.
Defense: Your boobies.