Chapter 6

"Jeff, this is Ashley. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for how I acted."

He didn't say anything. I assumed he thought there should be more.

So I gave it to him.

"I've been with some pretty inexperienced, clumsy guys. They kind of handled my, breasts, like they were stress balls. It was painful and uncomfortable and I sort of flashed back to those experiences without trying to understand what you were doing or what I was actually feeling. I overreacted. I'm really sorry."

I radiated sincerity because, perhaps for the first time with a man, I was sincere, without artifice.

"I'm sorry it made you feel uncomfortable. I had no idea what I had done wrong. I could have explained if you had asked," he said.

"I know."

How had he made it to eighteen years old and remained this naïve?

"I'm not saying it was your responsibility to ask. When you feel a visceral response to something, you just react. You don't stop to analyze it. I'm just saying I did it for a reason. I'm sorry it made you feel bad."

"Visceral? Do you always talk like that? Sometimes you sound like a thesaurus."

He laughed. "You're actually hearing me trying not to do that. I really work on, well, trying to say things in a way most people can understand. Sometimes the perfect word jumps into my mind and out of my mouth."

"I'm not complaining. It's just surprising to hear sometimes: visceral, disingenuous. Anyway, I wanted to know if we could give this another try. I promise not to go crazy again."

He had a soothing voice. He was either well-practiced or sincere, and he clearly was not well-practiced.

"It wasn't crazy. It was just an understandable reaction given your experience. Enough said. The incident is forgotten. So what did you have in mind?"

He was way more understanding of me than I would have been of him, or would have been of myself for that matter. If he would only yell at me I would feel more like I deserved another chance.

"Study. Thursday? My place?" I asked.

"I've got something Thursday. What about the weekend?"

I had not been turned down; I had been postponed. I was not used to being postponed. People changed their schedules to accommodate me. This was new territory. Practically everything about Jeff was new territory.

Friday and Saturday nights were prime dating and party nights at school. As much as I wanted to experience him, I had to maintain my standing in my social circle.

"What about Sunday night?"

"It's a date."

As Sunday approached, I had a sense of anticipation which I tried hard to suppress. This was just another date, and not a top quality date at that. But the knot in my insides didn't agree.

It couldn't just be that he might have something to teach me sexually.

He didn't fawn over me. He had refused to kiss me, just walked away like I was rancid fish.

He thought of me as intelligent, which was correct though I'm not sure anybody else had recognized it. He thought I had a nice personality when I wasn't acting like Her Royal Highness. Basically, he was completely unexpected and had me all shook up.

I don't know what he did, but I found myself studying Sunday afternoon. I'm not sure why. I think I just wanted to be sure I would have time to spend with him before he left. I must have misjudged because I had little to do when he arrived.

He noticed.

I had to explain.

"I guess I've been doing my work and I'm caught up. When we set this up I thought I'd have much more to do. But you can do your work. I'll find something to read. It's just nice to be here together."

That was the first time I had ever said that and I think I meant it.

"That's nice of you to say. I like spending time with you too. As far as my work, I'm pretty much up to date myself."

"I thought you had so much to do, all those advanced classes and stuff."

"Yeah, well, I keep up. I put in the time. In fact, most of the time you don't see me I'm studying."

I suspected the truth was that the work was easy for him. Nonetheless, I accepted his generous distortion of the truth.

"Well, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. You need to have some fun."

"Well, Jill, you're going to have to show Jack how to break out of his drudgery."

"Okay. Let me put on some music and we'll dance."

I found the campus station on the radio and started moving to the beat. He didn't.

"What's the problem, Jack?"

"I kind of don't know how to dance like that. I took ballroom dancing lessons but I never learned this."

He was proving the nerd stereotype, though I thought they waited until they were older for that. Ballroom? I took his hand.

"Come on, just move to the beat. You can feel the beat, can't you? You must be able to do that for your ballroom dancing." I showed him how to move. "Just feel the music."

He did surprisingly well. I had expected he would be awkward, but he didn't move like your average nerd. Maybe it was the ballroom lessons.