I'm a senior in high school, and before I go off to college I wanted to write about my life so far. It's not your typical high schooler's life.
It all started when I was 14 years old, just starting my sophomore year in high school. I had gone through puberty. I had gotten pubic hair, my balls were bigger, I was horny as hell, and when I jerked off I spurted. But then there were the parts where I didn't quite make it into a hunky guy. I got a little taller and stronger, but not much. I didn't have any facial hair, and my voice had changed a little bit -- enough to turn me from a soprano into an alto. I'm 5'4". All in all, I was great fodder for bullies.
But the thing that bugged me most was that I had a small dick. When it's erect it's still only about three and a half inches long, and only as big around as a quarter. I didn't tell a soul. Probably some doctor found out during some exam -- I forget -- but that was it. I never told anyone in my family or any of my friends.
My family situation wasn't so great. My father was a great guy, an endocrinologist working for a pharmaceutical company. But he wasn't very ambitious. He didn't want to try to climb the management track, and in fact he took a new job that let him do really cool research even though it paid less. But my mom wanted more. She wanted more expensive things and vacations. She used to work as a technical writer and made good money. She quit when my sister Alexa and I were born, but she never went back to work even when we got to be school age. My father said that if she wanted more possessions, she should work too, and not expect him to become a manager and do stuff he hated.
My mom didn't like that idea and took off with another guy, and by the time I was 13 my folks were divorced. The other guy was a successful businessman, but he never had kids and didn't want to be troubled by them. Mom went along. Dad was happy to get custody of me and my sister.
What hurt me and really hurt my sister is that it didn't seem to bother mom much to lose us. Maybe it was partly being mad at mom that made Alexa do the terrible thing that changed my life. But it was still her fault.
I woke with a start one morning when I felt the covers being pulled down, and then I heard her giggle. I don't wear anything below the waist at night, and I had a morning hard-on. And there it was, all three and a half inches of it, for Alexa to see. And she giggled.
"It's so tiny!" she said, gleefully.
I grabbed the covers to hide myself again. I was too mortified to yell at her. I just turned beet red and stammered.
"The ones in Ellen's movies were way bigger!" She skipped off then, giggling.
Alexa is thirteen, a year younger than me and just starting high school. She used to be nice sometimes, until puberty got hold of her.
We were sitting around the dinner table that night. And then Alexa did the thing I'll never forgive her for as long as I live. Alexa said out of the blue, "Hey dad, did you know Evan's got a really tiny penis?" I had been hiding my little penis from everyone, my father more than anyone else.
But my father didn't smile at my sister's remark or give me a condescending look. He froze, and then fixed Alexa with an icy stare.
"And just how do you know that, Alexa?"
"Ummmmm..." she whispered. She knew she was in trouble.
"Did Evan tell you?" One glance at my flushed face told him the answer to that.
"Answer me, young lady!"
Alexa started crying.
"Cry all you want, but answer me! Answer me!"
"I ... pulled the covers down on his bed while he was sleeping."
At first my dad was white with rage, but he controlled himself.
"Have you told anyone else?"
"No," Alexa replied. I thought I detected the slightest pause before she answered.
"You must never tell anyone else, do you understand?"
"Yes, dad," Alexa said.
I was miserable. Now my dad knew I wasn't going to grow up to be a real man. I had let him down. I knew at one level that was crazy thinking, but it felt that way.
We ate dinner in silence. Towards the end of the meal, though, dad smiled to himself.
A week passed, and whenever I thought of Alexa and how she had pulled down the covers I got this sick feeling.
I felt furious every time Alexa crossed my sight, and now and then I found myself accidentally stepping on her foot or jabbing her with my elbow. She knew better than to fight back.
"Evan," my father said, "Let's take a walk."
"OK," I mumbled.
He's not a real chatty guy, so it was no great surprise that we walked a couple blocks before he said anything.
"I've got a secret to tell you. You're old enough now to keep secrets, right?"
"Right," I said, with a tingle of pride. I guess I had passed a milestone of maturity in his eyes.
"I've got a pretty small penis too. And I know what it's like."
My mind reeled. My dad was a wimpy half-man too? I had always admired him. But then, on the other hand ... he understood! And it wasn't my fault so much. It came down through the genes, maybe.
"When the other guys found out..." he said, trailing off. "Well, things are a lot better now, though, right? They don't let bullies get away with things any more, right?"
"I guess." I didn't know how things were in his day, so I didn't have a standard of comparison. I knew there were kids who were really cruel to the ones who weren't cool.
We walked on in silence a bit.
"How much have I told you about what I do at work?"
"Not much. Something with chemistry, right?"
"True. I don't talk about it much because it's all secret, see.
"I work on drugs affecting women's bodies, like their periods and stuff. The drugs we want to make and sell some day are contraceptives, and drugs for when girls don't start getting their periods or get them too early. Then we want drugs for the other end when they get to menopause, and all kinds of troubles in between. But I'm not involved with making any of those drugs. I do more basic research, producing components that can be mixed up to do different things.
"I've got this lab in the basement. It's for when I want to do work on weekends and don't want to go in to the office."
I was dimly aware that there was a locked room in the basement that I had never been in, but there was stuff against the door and it looked like no one went in there for months at a time.
We talked about other things for a while, but when we got back to the house he led me down to the basement. The path to the locked room had been cleared, and a new lock installed -- just within the past couple days.
"Two, four, one, one, two," he said slowly, punching in each digit.
"Two, four, one, one, two," he repeated under his breath a few times. "I'm still trying to make sure I know it by heart."
I knew that he wanted me to be able to remember those numbers, and I made sure I did.
The room featured a refrigerator and a table and just a few supplies.
He opened the refrigerator, which contained a number of little bottles labeled with just a single letter, like "A". Then he showed me a notebook. There was a section for each letter describing what the stuff in that bottle did.
"When a woman or girl inhales a mixture of these, it can have an effect on her. Depending on what you put in, different things will happen. The more 'B' you add, the longer it takes for the drugs to start working. The more 'C' you add, the longer it lasts. 'A' is a marker. Sometimes a girl might not be sure whether she's gotten enough of the drugs to have an effect. 'A' makes her face flush briefly so she can tell. And then there is 'Z'. 'Z' is very important because it makes any of the effects of these drugs go away."
"What do the drugs actually do, I mean the other ones?"
"Well, 'M' is pretty good for making menstrual cramps go away, and 'N' makes a period start when it's late. 'O' keeps a period from starting for a couple days. The others do other different things."
"Interesting," I said, not feeling particularly interested.
"It's like my own private chemistry set," my dad continued. "But don't tell Alexa this is here, right? She's not old enough to keep secrets like this. And, well, there's the question of what an unfortunate combination of those drugs would do to her! The room's got a lock, and only I know the combination..." I thought I saw him give me a significant glance, "but still! Well, enough of that! Now you know a bit more about my work."
And with that, my special time with dad was over.
I tried to figure out why my dad had been showing me that stuff. Maybe he wanted to make me feel more grown-up to compensate for having a small dick. It was a nice effort.
As I was drifting off to sleep that night a number of thoughts converged. I had a small dick. My dad did too, and he had been furious at Alexa when he found out what she had done. He had recently set up a chemistry set in the basement. He had let me see the combination. I had the feeling I was invited if not even expected to go down and look around. Making yucky periods start or stop or whatever wasn't very exciting, but there were those other letters he hadn't explained. It was worth a look.
Alexa had afternoon soccer practice, and dad didn't get home until 6pm at the earliest, so I had the house to myself in the afternoon. I decided to check out the chemistry set.
'This factor in tiny doses can help reduce pain in the breasts from hormonal shifts. Beware that with a larger dose the breasts will become very itchy, although there is no permanent harm.'
.... There is more of this story ...