My name is Gomer Carville and here I am in jail. Well, not exactly jail, but I can't go home and get drunk with my friends so I might as well be in jail. I didn't do anything wrong, or even too much against the law, but here I sit on my ugly old butt while all those scientific people try to decide what they are going to do to me next. Shit! All this fuss because some alien fellow landed his space ship almost on top of my trailer house...
Now I tell you this is the whole truth and nothin' but the truth! It all started Monday of the last week of last year. Me and my then true love for life, Dessie Mae Stover, was watchin' WWE professional wrestling that used to be WWF professional wrestling and we was cheering on that good guy, Pure Bob, what usually beats the shit out of the mean bastards the evil promoters keep matching him against.
It sure is nice to have a clean-cut feller who wears white hats and loves his mother to look up to for moral guidance. He is just so nice! Not only that, but his mamma looks so fine in those bikinis where she is near naked, just looking so wholesome and all. It is fine to see a mamma and her good clean living son be so close and all. I don't believe but about half those stories that they tell about Bob and his mamma and I don't blame him the half I do believe. She is a very fine lookin' mamma to be almost forty years old!
Well, anyways, I was sitting there with Des, kind of fumbling around a little and she was pushing me away because the action on the TV was getting pretty intense. Some dirty fightin' bad guy just kicked Pure Bob in the nuts and poor Bob was holdin' on to his delicates with both hands and the bad guy started to rabbit punch Bob when his Mama jumped up in the ring and bit that bad dude in the crotch! He deserved it, but she acted like she didn't want to let go and then one of her titties popped out. That was just as I slipped my hand in Dessie's tank top and she leaned foreword when Evil Axel jerked Bob's Mama loose from his own unmentionables and threw her out of the ring. Then poor old hurtin' Pure Bob overcome his pain and threw that Evil Axel clean out of the ring too. So any way, I got so excited that I jerked hard on Dessie's old tank top and off she came! I sort of tore the dam' thing in two. She didn't really notice. She was watchin' Pure Bob help his wholesome Mama tuck her titty back in her bikini top. He is just so nice to his Mama!
Now I got to tell you that my Des has the finest set of honkers this side of a Hustler magazine, which I buy for the news articles. Her boobs even more awe inspiring than those on Pure Bob's Mama; and those are nothing to be ashamed of. And let me tell you Dessie is not shy about displaying her very talented knockers.
Even in high school, when she was a cheerleader, we could usually look foreword to catching a good glimpse of a nipple every now and again as they came busting out of her cheerleading outfit. Mister Muffet, our short and runty little high school principal, had to talk to her after about every football game to try to get her to not display so much what he called "youthful exuberance."
One time, Dessie Mae shrugged her shoulders while old Muffet was talking to her and they both popped out and one of them slapped poor old Mister Muffet in the mouth and he almost had a heart attack. Well, Dessie kind of helped matters along by rubbing his face with her thirty-six D's. He was never the same since. Dessie does have a mean streak in her when someone pisses her off. (You know, come to think of it, most Okie women are real vicious when they get pissed.) Anyway, after that Mister Muffet just stayed clear of her. He figured it was easier to ignore her than to try and control her and have to endure another titty attack.
Any way, we used to be "an item" back in high school. Actually, what that really meant was that as long as we was going steady, she promised she wouldn't give head to any other guy. Or, if she really had to, she wouldn't swallow. We had a very strict moral code in high school back then. That was just ten years ago. Things have changed since then and only last month one of the Rupert boys, Healy Rupert it was, started going steady with his own little sister. Actually, she is only his half sister so I guess that makes it a little better.
What happened was that back when he was three years old, while his pa was in jail for shooting his rifle at somebody in the city limits, Ma Rupert went to a Saturday Night dance and come home pregnant. So when Pa Rupert got out of jail a year and a half later, he found out that he was the father of a three-month-old baby girl.
Man oh man, but you talk about having some explaining to do! She finally convinced him that she got pregnant from wearing a pair of his old jockey shorts that didn't get laundered well enough to get all the way clean. Well, anyway, he was not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree so he believed her. But Healy knew better because he had been through grade school. He accused his mamma of fucking on her husband, his daddy, and she just shrugged her shoulders and grinned. Orville, the oldest grinned too for some reason. I had my suspicions about that.
Now Healy Rupert says, and I don't doubt him, that he only dates the half that isn't related to him by blood and that is what makes it all right. Sounds strange to me but Tina Rupert is a pretty little thing with a great ass on her; so I guess that sort of makes it all right. And if it doesn't, so what?
Oh yes, where was I? Well, anyway, a week ago last December while we was watching wrestling, I got up to get me another one of those cheap assed cans of petrified panther piss beer Dessie kept bringing home because it is so cheap. She still didn't notice I had ripped her tank top off. Or if she did, she didn't give a shit. I happened to look out the kitchen window and saw Walter Hawkins, the trailer park handy man, all scrunched down a little and looking in our living room window at my bare titted Dessie Mae. He was jerking on his dick; and he had the most pathetic expression on his face. I slipped out the bedroom door and walked up behind him and grabbed him by the collar.
"Just what the fuck do you think you are doing here in my yard?" I asked him.
His eyes rolled up in his head and he grabbed his chest and started going, "Huhr! Huhr! Huhr!" then he just folded over and looked like he died. I'll say one thing about that preverted little son of a bitch, though, he had a peter on him that would be considered illegal for a white man to possess in some states, unless it was in him. Hell it was even bigger than mine and my brother Homer's. And we are famous in these parts for having some size on us. He just laid there on his back, seeming to be deader than a mackerel, his pink elephant trunk pointing straight up in the air for almost fourteen inches.
I came running inside and yelled at Dessie, "Call 911! Walter Hawkins is laying outside the window. I think he's dying. But you ought to see the war club he's got on him."
Dessie stood up and backed over to the window, never taking her eyes off the TV. She is as great a wrestling fan as I am. Then, when the commercial came on she turned and looked out the window. "Holy Shit, Gomer!! Call 911! Help that poor man! Do something! A cock that size is a national treasure! Jesus Christ, Call 911!"
"That's what I'm doin', Hon. If you could stop having mental sex with that poor man and turn this way, you could see I have the phone in my hand."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" she answered, still staring real hard out the window.
Just then the emergency operator answered, "911 Emergency, how may I help you? The board in front of me says this call is coming from your useless shit trailer house, Gomer. What's the emergency? You get your little needle dick caught in a beer can?" Myrtle Bowman only got the job answering the 911 phones because she gives the sheriff such great head. I tell you, they ought to have a cocksuckers' union in our part of Oklahoma. I think most of the women would have to belong.
I would like to point out that me and her brother Willy taught Myrtle everything she knows about the art of cock sucking and she has no gratitude at all. She walked in on me and her younger sister in the middle of having sex and she got real emotional. Alls I did was to ask her to join us and make it a threesome. She got real pissed off at me. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
"Look, Myrt," I told her, "Can the shit. The sheriff's brother in law is laying outside under my window on his back, his prick is pointing straight up at the stars. You better get an ambulance over here like right now!" Then I hung up on the bitch.
I turned around and saw that Des had gone outside and was playin' with that big pecker like it was a big toy. She started to go down on it and he opened his eyes and started to sit up and he saw Des bobbin on his peter head like she was bobbin for apples in a tub of water. He got this great big grin on his face and just laid back down and endured what she was doin' to him.
The ambulance come pulling up right then and Melody Fogerty came piling out of the driver's side and just walked right up and watched, all open eyed. Her sister Beverley climbed down out of the passenger side and she just stood there watching too. Des happened to look up and saw she had an audience. "What's the matter? You never saw nobody give emergency first aid before?
"Here, let me spell you, you look tired," Beverley grinned and dropped to her knees and took Des's place on old Walter's dick.
Then Walter went off and thanked the two ladies for saving his life. It seems that I actually scared him so bad his heart stopped. But the thrill of Des and Bev giving him head shocked it going again. I then knew for sure what I had always suspicioned, that a blowjob could sometimes be a real life saver.
So anyways, since the emergency had been taken care of so to speak and there wasn't any new emergencies, everybody went on in to my trailer house and we all watched WWF. The women were so fascinated with Elmo's big old dick that they wouldn't let him put it away. They just kept playing with it and making over it so much that they started to rub it a little raw. So he made them stop handling it. But he did agree to leave it out so they could look at it. About that time I got kind of woozy from all that cheap beer and went to bed.
I woke up the next morning between Bev and Mel. "Dessie Mae and Elmo eloped last night," Mel told me. "We stayed behind to sort of console you if you feel the need for consolation."
"Ladies, right now I feel the need to piss more than I feel the need for consolation. I'll go piss a few gallons and start the coffee and you all start the shower and we can shower together." I quickly got out of bed and hurried in to piss. Bev came in and held it for me and Mel made coffee. We all crawled into the shower together and had a great time soaping each other down.
That is when I found out that Mel and Bev liked to have a little fun with each other. "It's not like we do each other all the time," Bev told me. But sometimes it gets boring so we just snuggle up and unbore each other. Now I never heard of "unboring" before, but Bev and Mel assured me that it was quite acceptable in some circles. So I figured that what with them being family and all it must be all right. (Not that I really gave a shit one way or the other all that much.)
So we invented a three-way triangle of making love and having sex that guaranteed all the main parts of all the people involved was taken care of. We were on the road to ecstasy, as one of Dessie's true love magazines calls it and it just about wore all three of us out to a fair frazzle. After a while we decided that it was time to get cleaned up, off and out and eat something a little more substantial than what we had been snacking on, namely each other.
Anyway we all three showered and went out into the kitchen to have more coffee and some pancakes when there was this great big old whirring noise, like a million fans all blowing at once. I remember looking at the girls and asking, "You hear that?" Then there was a "crunch" sound of cheap sheet metal being torn and a shadow appeared where no shadow should have been and I looked up and saw blue sky where there was only ceiling to look at before!
"Something has happened to the roof!" I remember yelling. I ran outside and saw this great big giant thing that looked like it was made out of polished aluminum. It stood twice as high as the trailer and about three times as long. Later I found out that the dent it made in the ground was a perfect circle that was a hundred twenty feet across and was six feet deep!
Anyway, that big shiny sucker came to rest with not ten feet between it and my front door! It was a huge son of a bitch let me tell you! I figured that this was that Russian satellite that everybody had been writing about in the newspapers, Mervin, or whatever it was called. Hell, it had to be the Russian one because it was so piss poor made that it fell out of the sky. So I grabbed my revolver that I bought when I was a deputy sheriff and figured that if they was Russians inside I'd just shoot me one ore two and get a medal or a reward or something!
Shit! I figured that there had to be somebody left in Washington DC that was still pissed off at the Russians. Just because they tore down that wall didn't make them all nice and friendly. Nosiree! Like that crazy preacher Esker Hogben says, "Better dead than red!" So I figured I'd just make me a few reds dead and get me a reward or something. I remember I got to wondering if they give out new cars for killing Russians, or at least a new set of dishes? Melmac would be real nice. Hell, I figured that there would be something I could get. I would never shoot at people, but Russians was different and don't count.