Beating Off Bob's Guide to Writing Really Bad Erotica

by Beating Off Bob

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Drunk/Drugged, .

Desc: Humor Sex Story: The master of smut makes a rare return to share his wisdom about how to become one of the throng who can proudly claim they have authored an erotic story on the internet. So grab a pencil and an old grocery receipt. All of Bob's wisdom ought to about fit on the back of something like that.

Author's comment:

First, a little background for those of you who have only been reading my stories for the last couple of years. I started my "career" in 2005, using the pen name "Beating Off Bob." In November of 2007, for a variety of reasons, I retired that name and adopted the one I've been using ever since then. That, of course, is Robert Lubrican.

Both are odd names and it's a long story. Unless you're a philosopher it's not all that interesting, so let me go on.

Now I am generally a man of my word, and I know I said that Beating Off Bob retired when I changed my pen name to Lubrican. But the following material definitely came from the mind of Beating Off Bob, who still lurks around in the back of my skull somewhere. And because he so clearly took over while I wrote this, I decided to give him the credit and post it that way.

Finally, this tutorial is dedicated to George, who never feels bad about pointing out where I MAY have failed to clear the bar, so to speak ... on those incredibly rare occasions where I may, in fact, have grazed the bar. I know it's hard to believe, but I do make the odd mistake here and there. And George has pointed out enough of them that I thought others might learn from ... um ... well let's just call them my mistakes.

That way I won't get hate mail from a couple hundred other authors.


We start with a definition.

Squick: A term of the vernacular that is the opposite of "kink" when applied to reading erotica. A reader chooses the story based on his or her kink(s). The reader usually dumps the story based on a squick.

The word is commonly believed to have derived from the sound made by the tentacle of the giant squid as it slithers toward someone who is about to be sucked down into the depths to an unimaginably horrible and painful death. An alternative origin is that it combines the words "squeamish" and "sick" (as in ill). Example: "This story is making me squeamish and sick at my stomach. I think I'll quit reading it and go power vomit for a while instead."

Obviously, such people are wimps, with no backbone, but what can you say?

Now, just about anybody who's ever read a dirty story has said these words: "Sheeeeit, I could do better than that!" The vast majority of them say it out loud.

Now, lest you think I'm talking through my hat about this, let me tell you I have evidence that this is true. A LOT of people have written to me and said that in print, after saying it aloud at home while reading one of my stories.

So right off the bat let's get it straight that I'm an expert on writing really bad erotica. I have years of experience with the writing of bad erotica. I got all that experience after reading a ton of porn online and saying "Sheeeeit! I could do better than that!" So this isn't some lame info-mercial where I'm trying to get you to send me money for something you don't really need, or would use twice and then put on a shelf forever. Not at all.

With the very valuable information I am about to give you - absolutely free, by the way - you can begin a career that can last decades. And let's face it, folks. There is nothing more exciting than being on your death bed and being able to confess to the relatives gathered around that DaddyBigDick (or other pen name you think is even more clever and catchier than that one) ... is actually YOU! The silver lining of that little cloud is that you'll pick up an additional fifteen or twenty new readers after you croak. At least if you have a large family.

Now, if you've done any reading of any kind on the internet, (and you obviously have, since you're reading this, ) you've already realized there are hundreds of thousands of authors out there with minimal, if any talent. These are the people you're going to be competing with, and it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Well ... come to think of it ... in many cases it's a dog-eat-woman's-pussy world ... but you know what I mean. You're going to have to work really hard to be bad enough for people to actually take notice of you.

Ok, so the first thing you have to do is decide what genre you're going to produce bad erotic stories for. You need to be specific. You can't just decide you're a generic paraphiliac. Paraphilia is kind of the umbrella term that the non-perverts use. It means, basically, a psychosexual disorder in which sexual gratification is obtained through highly unusual practices that are harmful or humiliating to others or socially repugnant.

In other words, you're a pervert, and want to appeal to some kink.

Of course these kinks are not socially repugnant to you, but you know how dictionaries work ... you don't get to pick the words used in a definition. So don't get too wrapped around the axle at how the non-perverts see things. Vegetarianism is socially repugnant to some of us, and it's not really a "bad" thing at all, right?

The sky's the limit here, because there are a lot of sick fucks out there who like the most unbelievable kinds of themes. Take for instance the baby fuckers. These are the folks who like to read about adults fucking infants. The infant, even though she can't talk, somehow manages to seduce the adult and convince him that this is a delightful pastime ... never mind the practically arterial bleeding and lifelong physical trauma. Another really fucked up one is the cannibal kink. I once saw a story about a woman who, on her wedding night, was raped, tortured, gang-banged, had fourteen orgasms, ended up begging for it and then was cut up and eaten. And her groom had to watch! But they didn't kill him. They just ate his dick and balls. That's where they get their power from, you know.

But if you'd rather keep to something a little less adventurous, there are some tamer genres out there. Some examples are incest, first time, slut wife/wimp husband, BDSM (without the murder and all that stuff, ) young love, romance and so on. You probably already have your favorite, but by no means should you stick with that. The very worst erotica is written by people who've never engaged in whatever activity they're writing about, so you might want to branch out a little. For instance, one of the worst authors I know is a male who specializes in writing about lesbian experiences. I myself write extensively about pregnancy and trust me ... I've never been pregnant even once.

Now I must mention that there are two categories of erotica: fantasies and true stories. You can't really tell the difference if the writing is really bad. In both types the male will have a penis that is impossibly large. "As big around as a Coke can" is one of my favorite descriptions. And the women are always beautiful and have "massive" breasts. If, for some strange reason they don't have huge breasts, then their nipples are long enough and stiff enough to be used as pitons during an afternoon mountain climb.

Well, now that I've thought about it, perhaps we should restate the two categories of erotica. They are fictional ... and lies.

There. Now we can move on.

So ... what's the first thing you should do to begin writing really bad erotica? Well, a very wise man once said "There is nothing new under the sun." So let's start this way:

1. Pick a plot that's been done six hundred thousand times. Here are a few examples:

a. The UPS guy knocks, and wifey (just out of the shower, of course) answers the door in a robe that suddenly comes loose. Within two paragraphs they're fucking on the floor.

b. Young male is caught by his sister beating off. She's curious and has never seen anything like this. She demands to watch, and threatens to tell the parents if he doesn't let her. He demands that she do it too while she watches. They strip, get hot and bothered and within five paragraphs they're fucking on the bed.

c. Older male is caught by his daughter beating off. See 'b' above, except the threat is to tell wifey.

d. Older woman (mother or possibly librarian) catches younger male beating off. She then takes pity on him and, since he is obviously inexperienced, fucks his socks off. To move the plot forward she should masturbate him herself, preferably on the same page she catches him on. After that you can move more slowly as she continues his education, but within five pages it is mandatory that they be fucking like rabbits.

e. Wifey goes out with her friends on a special occasion to a strip club where there's a black dancer with a schlong that requires a crane to maneuver. Six paragraphs later they're fucking, either on stage, or in the dressing room.

f. A birthday party ... any birthday party. It doesn't matter whose birthday it is. All that matters is that they wanted sex from one of the relatives at the party. The phrase "This is what I really wanted for my birthday" has to be in there somewhere. If you want to be wild and crazy, you can substitute that phrase with "This is what I really wanted to give you for your birthday."

g. The camping trip, in any of its derivations. Mom is stuck in the woods with her horny sons, or Dad is stuck in the woods with his horny daughter and from one to five of her nubile friends. If it's an attempt to rip off the Girl Scout Nookie theme, you can have more girls. In the free-for-all version there are both parents, sons and daughters AND all their friends. The first sex must take place in a sleeping bag which is magically large enough for two, and if you want to keep the reader's attention, it should be the first night.

.... There is more of this story ...

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Story tagged with:
Drunk/Drugged /