It is a curious coincidence, and no more than that, that Ned Kelly, in 'Ned Solves a Problem', introduced his Leica camera, and JRyter in 'The Camera' also featured a Leica - although after Ned, and JRyter's Leica is magical, Ned's is not. But there are similarities because many women have an urge (or can be persuaded) to remove their clothes when facing a camera.
"Man, that is born of a woman, hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay..."
Ned's attention wandered as the vicar carried on. Can't be long now thought Ned.
It was his father's funeral. His death had come rather sooner than had been expected, it seemed that he had just folded in on himself, and rather than the six months that had been anticipated, he had just faded away in two. Ned had already, whilst in the church, remembered his father, and had agreed with his younger sister Susan that they didn't seem to know him that well, and here at the graveside he was just waiting for it to be over. He stood on one side of his mother, his sister on the other, They were holding their mother's hands.
Ned's mind wandered over the past couple of months. His mother had seemed better once she had told him and Susan about their father, although to be honest they already knew, because their Auntie Miri had been somewhat indiscreet, and Uncle George had had to tell him, and he then elected to tell Susan. It wasn't until a couple of days after that that his mother had finally sat them down and told them that she had something dreadful to tell them. Susan had burst into tears, and Ned had told her that they already knew. Mother had clearly been relieved, and after a long group hug they seemed ready to face the future more easily and more united.
Even Ned would admit that his next thoughts were inappropriate given the occasion, but a couple of days later his mother had asked him to take a small package to a house in the next village.
"Mrs Eastly," his mother told him. "She's at Winter Cottage, you can't miss it."
"No problem mother," he replied. "I know where it is."
And he could have gone on to say that he also knew the lady who lived there. Well, truthfully, he didn't know her, but he had seen Diana Eastly at various village events, and she sometimes figured in his bedtime fantasies. She was, he thought, a very attractive woman. She was in her early twenties, with dark blonde hair and a pretty face, but her outstanding feature, features actually, were her breasts, each one of which would have filled a bowler hat, at least in Ned's imagination.
Ned rode the couple of miles to the next village on his bike, and knocked on the back door of Winter Cottage.
"Who is it?" called a female voice.
"It's Ned, er, Gerry Kelly," said Ned, realising that as one of his mother's friends she would probably know him by his given name.
There was a loud giggle from inside the cottage.
"Come on in Ned," said Mrs Eastly, and as Ned entered she continued. "It's only your mother calls you Gerry, most other people wonder who she's talking about."
Mrs Eastly had a soft west country accent and was grinning broadly, and giggling a great deal.
"I've..." was as far as Ned got before he stopped, staring at the sight before him. Mrs Eastly, the object of many of his nightly fantasies, was sitting on a kitchen chair by the scrubbed pine table feeding her baby, which was about a month old. Ned's jaw had dropped as he could see most of one of the globes that he had hereto only imagined. As he watched, she detached the feeding infant from her breast, reversed it, exposed the other breast and fed the nipple into the baby's mouth.
She giggled. "Am I embarrassing you, Ned?" she asked.
"N, n, no. No, no certainly not," stammered Ned, blushing. "No, it's just..."
"Oh, you've never seen a baby being fed before."
"Yes," said Ned, "Umm, no. No, I haven't."
"Ah, it's not just that is it? It's what he's being fed from, that's it. I've seen you looking Ned." And she giggled again, it was a lovely warm fluid sound. "Yes, I've seen you looking." She gently lifted the unoccupied breast as if offering it to him.
If Ned had been red before he was now positively glowing. Mrs Eastly lifted the baby and laid him against her shoulder, and as if he already knew exactly what was required of him, he let out a loud burp.
"Just wait a minute," she said. "and I'll put him down."
She left the room, and Ned stood there trying to gather his thoughts. Before he could do so she returned. Ned noted that her blouse was still open.
"Now," she said. "I've got so much milk and I'll just bet you'd love to try some wouldn't you?"
Ned had lost the power of speech. He nodded his head. She took Ned by the hand and led him into the front room, where she sat on the settee. She motioned Ned to kneel between her legs and then fed him a nipple as though he were a baby. Ned grasped the breast with both hands and began to suck. The milk was warm and sweet. A few minutes later she changed him over to the other breast.
"Oh," she said. "Having my tits sucked makes me soooo randy. My husband just goes to the pub after work, he doesn't come near me. Hasn't for months." and she reached down and felt Ned's raging hard cock through his trousers.
"Oh that does feel good, and big too." She gave it a squeeze.
Ned groaned and convulsed as he flooded his underwear.
"Oh, dear," she said. "I suppose that's it for today. I should have thought..."
"I can do something else" said Ned, lovingly caressing her breasts.
"What's that?" she asked.
Ned lifted her skirt to discover that she had no knickers on. He bent and kissed down her belly.
"What are you doing?"
Ned reached her mons and pushed her legs apart so that he could get in closer. He licked up and down her nether lips. Ned had only seen this done from a distance when he had photographed his now ex headmaster and the games mistress, and although he had enlarged the pictures he had only a hazy idea of what to do. But one thing he did know; the lady had liked it. A lot.
"Oh my," said the object of his attentions. "Oh myyy"
He licked up the middle and in doing so caught her clitoris, although he wasn't aware of what it was at that point. However her reaction told him that he had just struck the mother lode.
"Oh my god, no one ever did that before. Oooo keep doing it."
She pushed her bottom forward, so that it was on the edge of the seat, and at the same time she grasped Ned's head.
Ned had every intention of carrying on doing it, and did so. Her hands were making sure that he stayed right on target and in a few minutes she orgasmed loudly, flooding Ned's face with her juices.
"Oh my God, that was wonderful," she said. "Where did you learn to do that? You must be a lot more experienced than I thought."
"Umm, no," said Ned. "You're the first. But I'm going to keep doing it."
He had undone his trousers and released his once again stiff cock. He moved up over her and kissed her. She reached down and took hold of him.
"Ooo, you're ready again, that's good, and it's such a nice size too," she commented, aiming him at her entrance as he pushed forward. Ned was overwhelmed by the absolutely best sensation he had ever experienced.
This, he thought, is it! I'm finally doing it!
As Ned thrust forward she lifted to meet him, and for the next few minutes there was only the sound of their mating, until she broke the kiss and started to groan and pant heavily until she came with a low scream just as Ned deposited his second load of the day deep inside her.
She held his head in both hands and looked into his eyes with great affection.
"If that was your first you are going to be the very devil with the girls, Ned Kelly. Mmm," she licked her lips, "that's me I can taste. You do that trick with your tongue young man and you'll have every lady you meet eating out of your hand."
She continued to gaze at him, and then. "Shit, I got carried away, I'll bet you've made me pregnant. Now I'll have to get my old man to shag me. I'll make him use a rubber though, then if I am in the club I'll tell him it bust. Come on, you'd better get cleaned up and on your way. Not a word to your mother mind. Or anyone else."
"Of course not," said Ned. "It isn't anyone else's business."
Back in the kitchen she kissed him again.
"Mmm, you're a good kisser too. Tuesday on you're way home would be a good time to call. He's got darts so I won't see him until late."
Ned rode home in a daze, narrowly missing the vicar's car as it swerved round a bend.
Ned returned to the present. They were about to file past the open grave and throw in a handful of earth. His mother led the way. The vicar's wife, he thought, was rather tasty
After the funeral they went to George and Miri's house where the sombre mood gradually lifted as the booze flowed, even Ned's mother seemed fairly happy. There were a number of people telling Ned that he had to take care of his mother and sister because he was the man of the house now. Sudden promotion thought Ned, and being a great fan of Hornblower he decided it was a bit like a lowly lieutenant taking charge of the quarter deck after his captain had been killed. He stood up straight and assured them that he would do his best.
It was mid evening by the time George ran them home.
"You're going to have to learn to drive Juliette," George told Ned's mother. "Otherwise you will be stuck to this village like glue. Susan will need running about too, though I expect Ned'll want a motorbike."
"He's not having a motorbike," she replied. "They're far too dangerous. Besides, in six months he'll be seventeen and he can learn to drive a car."
"I do take sugar in my tea," said Ned, a reference to the fact that disabled people always seemed to be incapable of answering simple questions for themselves. Not that Ned was in any way disabled, but he wanted to indicate that such a discussion when carried on in his presence, was not going to exclude him.
"Actually," he went on, " I already can drive a car, George has taken me along some of the woodland lanes."
"Uncle George," his mother corrected him.
"George told me to drop the uncle now that I'm sixteen," replied Ned.
"Oh!" said his mother. "Well, I suppose that's all right then. Anyway, what's this about you driving?"
"I think we could apply for a test as soon as he's seventeen," replied George. "He really is quite good, just needs a bit of a polish to get him through his test."
They arrived home.
"You'll be alright?" asked George.
"Oh don't fuss, we'll be perfectly alright. I've a new man took look after me and Susan," said Juliette, putting her arm around Ned.
George grinned, said goodnight, and drove off.
Susan had been dozing in the car, the result of a couple of glasses of sweet sherry, and she was soon in bed and fast asleep. Ned and his mother said their good nights and went to their rooms.
It was several hours later that Ned awoke with a pressing need to visit the bathroom, the result of drinking several of glasses of beer. After relieving himself he was making his way back to his room when he heard a sob. He paused outside Susan's door, but when the sound came again it was clearly not from her room. Ned turned towards his mother's room and saw a thin line of light from beneath the door. Ned went to the door and very gently tapped. The sound of a sob came again. He pushed the door open a little and called softly.
A further sob. Ned pushed the door open and looked in to see his mother sat up in bed clearly distressed. Ned went in and walked to the bedside.
"Is there anything I can do for you? Can I cuddle you?"
There was a snuffly sound and a hand came up and turned back the covers. Ned slid in alongside his mother and slipped his arm around her back. She leant into him and he hugged her tighter. It was some minutes before she spoke, and then it was punctuated by sobs and muffled by her handkerchief.
"I've made a complete mess of my life. And now yours and Susan's too."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I shouldn't tell you, you're far too young."
"Well, mother, several people this afternoon said I should be looking after you, and as I pointed out to George, I am over the age of consent, so how old do I have to be? I'm sure that talking about it will help."
A minute or two passed.
"I was a bit wild when I was a girl. I was pregnant with you at seventeen. You're father was home on leave and he got the blame."
"You mean dad wasn't my father? Who was? Or should that be is?"
"I don't know, he might be. Well, he probably was, I don't know. It might even have been George."
"But he's your brother!"
"Yes, but your granfer didn't know about that, and when I said who it was he quite literally got out his shotgun and I was married to your father in no time."
"But he's Susan's father?"
"I can't be sure. You see? What an awful person I am? And how I've messed your lives as well as my own? And now I'm a widow and no one will ever look at me again"
"Did you love him? Dad, that is."
She hesitated. "No. Oh I was fond of him, and he was very kind, but love? No ... Oh God that makes me sound even worse."
And she relapsed into sobbing whilst Ned sat holding her and trying to put what he had just learnt into some sort of order.
He finally said, "well, I'm pretty certain about one thing, and one thing you are wrong about. You're only thirty four, you're certainly not old, you're the best looking woman I know and I am quite sure that most men will want to look at you if nothing more. I know I would."
She turned to face him and smiled. She stretched up and kissed him. "You are so sweet,. There's only one man I want, and I can't have him." she said, looking into his eyes. And then she snuggled into his shoulder.
"Who is that?" Ned asked, but she seemed to have dropped of to sleep. He remembered her gaze, and not long after that Ned succumbed to the arms of Morpheus himself.
And Morpheus, the God of Dreams, supplied something really special for Ned that night. He could never recall afterwards exactly what it was about, certainly not in any detail, but he woke as his seed spurted from his iron hard cock, to land back down on ... as he opened his eyes he saw his mother's hand, for heaven's sake, firmly grasped around his cock. It was the jism landing on her hand, or perhaps she was part of the same dream, but whichever, she woke and realised exactly where her hand was. She sat up abruptly, and burst into tears.
"Oh God," she wailed. "What have I done?"
Ned was slightly pissed at this reaction, caught hold of her and gave her a shake.
"Did you know what you were doing?"
"No, I was having a dream."
"So was I. Bloody good one too."
"I was dreaming. That I was a girl, and I was with a boy that I liked, and I was doing what I used to do when I couldn't..."
"Your language, Ned Kelly," she said sharply, "is getting to be quite appalling."
Ned grinned, it was the first time his mother had ever called him Ned.
"Yes," she went on. "When I couldn't shag him."
And she snuggled back into Ned's shoulder and went back to sleep. Ned lay there with a broadening grin on his face, as a realisation dawned.
Well, well, he thought, what will happen next? And he too fell asleep again.
Ned was alone when he woke the next morning. He got dressed and went down to the kitchen where he found his mother dressed, and cheerfully doing some hand washing in the sink, her hands encased in bright yellow rubber gloves
Ned walked up behind her and placed his hands on her hips and kissed the back of her neck. She leant back towards him.
"Good morning, mother."
"Good morning, Gerry," she said. "Gerry, you must forget everything that I said, and everything that happen last night."
"Certainly mother," he replied, remaining exactly where he was. "Consider the stable door closed and bolted. I have to tell you though, that the horse has already gone, and there is no way you can catch him. You cannot undo what has been done."
She sighed, and remained still.
Ned slid his hands up under her loose top, and gently caressed the bottoms of her naked breasts, a little further and he would tweak her nipples, but she whirled around, grabbed him, and covered his mouth with hers. Familiar territory for Ned, and he was immediately into a deep and lasting kiss.
She broke off a minute or so later.
"God, you little devil, but you're a great kisser too."
"Yes, so I'm told."
"And you know, don't you? I don't mean about kissing, I mean about what I said ... about one man"
"Yes. I realised last night. Do you really want to catch him?"
His mother laughed. "I'm not sure, I'll have to think about it. But I certainly can't now, that's Susan's footsteps I can hear."
Susan groaned her way into the kitchen.
"It's wonderful to hear someone being happy." She said sourly, because Susan clearly wasn't. "I'm never going to drink anything again," she grumped, plumping herself down on a chair. "My mouth tastes like the bottom of a parrot's cage, and my head is thumping."
Susan sat huddled into her dressing gown and groaned.
Her mother laughed. "I've no idea how you can possibly know about parrots' cages," she said. "Put the kettle on Gerry, I think we could all do with a cup of tea."