Swarm Reporters Is Full of Shit

by Doc Tufferson

Copyright© 2009 by Doc Tufferson

Science Fiction Story: How Doc Tufferson got three wives before he ever got picked up into the Swarm Universe. A short read that is a lot more fun than it is fiction or even science fiction. Can't you just see them, Harriett, Horney '" er Honey and Lilith? Beautiful. True story, mostly.

Caution: This Science Fiction Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Consensual   Science Fiction   Humor   Harem   .

The Truth About Concubines

Doc Tufferson's true story as told by his bar buddy, Leroy in which Leroy misquoted Doc as having said, "Swarm Reporters Is Full Of Shit!" and now everyone thinks that is the title of this story, it ain't. Well, the statement is true but what Doc actually said is, "Swarm Reporters Are Full Of Shit." Doc has couth, he tolt me so.

Leroy's account:

Doc Tufferson had been reading the news reports on SOL about extractions and such written by some really high flying reporters. Some guy calling himself Thinker was Docs first choice of the bunch, it was clear that Thinker knew the concept, had the facts down pat and could really write a clever line.

A couple of others, Mulligan, deGaffer, oh yeah and The Duke of Ramus too were top notch reporters. All three could tell a story so a regular sort of fellow didn't have to stretch his brain to understand but still got the news. Sometimes they was too funny and Doc would spend way too long laughing so he almost lost his place in the article.

Waltzing Melissa was the Valedictorian of the group and Docs favorite even though Thinker was smarter. She knew just how those poor concubine women got screwed during and after the pickup and she told the truth, he could read it between the lines. Doc saw a picture of Melissa on the internet and he was sure he had saw her in a Wally World store once. He was going to introduce his self, just to chat because he knew a famous reporter like that wouldn't give an old fart like him a tumble. Way out of his class. The chat never happened cuz Doc took his packages out to the car and before he could go back inside one of those gray wall things flopped down on the store. They look real scary from the outside so he took off. Later on he said he had almost crapped his pants. As rough and tough as old Doc is it would have been funny to see him with his shorts filled.

Doc had one problem with those reporters. It was way obvious that none of them had ever lived with more than one woman at a time. They was full of shit about half the time, thinking even a concubine slave woman would put up with the kind of crap that was being reported. Sure, some mean bastard volunteer might space a broad now and again but he'd forfeit his balls in the process. Women is sneaky. Doc knew that cuz he's married to three women at the same time and they all live in the same house.

Doc figured the concubines would have control of every pod and every male in sight in a week or two, just as soon as the medical stuff was done. And those reporters should know better than to think an oversized remodeled dick would make any difference at all. If a female is interested in putting out the effort she can tighten down her snatch til it does just that, snatches almost any size prick. Women is built to take over any man and that's what happened to Doc.

He married his lead wife just out of service back when times was good. He'd retired from the US Army after 22 years and was ready to settle down. He had some great retirement benefits and a job as a body guard for a big shot oil man that paid him two or three times what he made as a First Sergeant. For a working stiff he was rolling in it. He met Harriett at the big guy's gym, she was on his staff too, something to do with personnel records. She was easy ten years younger than Doc and she liked Doc's package, including his income, job security, medical benefits, and she just knew that Docs personal package would be satisfactory no matter what size. She never gave it a thought that Doc might be too demanding, he had "EASY" written all over his face. You can take that any ways you want to, it don't matter cuz it was true. Doc is easy, way too easy on those women some of us guys think; but then, Doc is the onlyest man I knowd with more than one wife. Some of us can't even keep one longer than a little bit.

Doc was a first class soldier, knew all about that stuff. Too bad he was dumb as a stump when it come to women. Well, it wasn't too bad neither cuz it came out pretty damn good. Harriett was Mrs. Doc just inside of three months from that meeting in the gym. Another week later she doing all the finances and two weeks later she was knocked up. Doc was good at following her plans even though he didn't know they was any plans.

Harriett wanted that baby and its little brother or sister too. And she got 'em. She felt real good about her kid's future since she didn't think there would be any money problems. Doc didn't mind the kids; he even liked playing with them, sometimes. He was also real happy to have somebody else tending the bills and balancing the books. All he had to do was earn the money and that was easy for Doc. Oh, the other thing Doc liked was dipping his wick in Harriett's honey pot; he liked that best of all after 22 military years of doing without. From day one he was making up time - all the time! Day and night! His personal package was just average in size but it was off the charts for frequency. Harriett snatched and snatched until her snatch got sore and it stayed sore. Twas time for a new plan.

Harriett has a cousin who was kind of the disgrace of the family. Her given name was Honey. With that name her Momma was close but no cigar. She should have named her Horny. Honey was ten years younger than Harriett, that made her twenty years younger than Doc. Harriett figured that was just enough difference that they could keep each others pipes cleaned and tuned like a fine organ. Oh, and like one of them big old church organ, Honey could blow real good and make sweet music. It was her favorite past time except for plain old fucking.

Harriett began maneuvering to get Doc and Honey to spend some weekend time together but ran into a snag. Doc wanted to be an honorable family man, his own momma started drilling that into his head just after his head cleared the breech. Geez, the very first time he latched onto her nipple in the hospital she was preaching and teaching and a coaching, "You're going to be the best family man in the US of A. You's gonna be honorable to your woman or I'll snatch you bald!" I guess she was thinking about Doc's daddy who split for Havana as soon as he learned that Doc was in the works. Didn't even say good bye, kiss my ass nor nothing. His momma's sister spilled the beans while helping that two timing bastard plant his seed in her own garden; and he was gone afore she could pull up her panties.

Doc's fetching up wouldn't allow him to bed a girl that wasn't his wife. He'd made it through all that Army time loving his hands, ambidextrous he was, and now that he had Harriett for a pressure relief valve he wasn't about to disappoint his mother, no matter that she'd been dead eight or nine years. No, Doc wasn't a Hanky Panky sort of man. No siree Bob.

Harriett needed some help and it didn't take her long to find it. It came when she made a healthy donation to the Reverend Jimmy's Church of Devine Holiness. Jimmy wasn't too big on the bible or God nor nothing like that. He preached that God wants us all to have a good time, good income to share with the church and good clean fun; preferably in the bedroom, bathroom, on the living room sofa or even in the back seat of a limo. Hole was holy to Jimmy. To his TV congregation nothing was more holy than consummating the bonds of matrimony and the more bonds you could consummate the more you were blessed.

It took Harriett less than five minutes to write the check that made her a member. In fact, that check was so big that Reverend Jimmy stopped by the house on the promise if he could help convert Doc to the faith there would be more checks just like that first one. Doc liked Jimmy, they had served in some of the same theaters during the war and he could tell really good stories about screwing up enemy plans and saving fellow soldiers. Jimmy didn't mention that he had read those stories as his past time while sitting on the crapper in an Alabama jail. Doc was sprinkled, more like doused, with some white wine that very weekend as his baptism. The good thing about using wine for baptism is there aint no waste, "drink up Doc, the lord has richly blessed you," Jimmy pontificated while palming check number two.

There was a number of other members at the service. No doubt that cousin Horny ... er Honey was the cutest. She was also the first to kiss Doc with the official blessing of the Church of Devine Holiness. Hot church, cool wine and one extra blest sizzling kiss. It was just three weeks later that Reverend Jimmy presided at the wedding of Honey and Harriett to our good Doc. Check three had been turned into cash at Jimmy's insistence, saying that it was easier to keep the church books with cash.

There was bliss in that home right away. The kids was so little that they thought a second mommy was the best thing ever. Sometimes they could talk Honey into giving them twenty five cents even though their other mommy had said no not five minutes earlier. Oh, the other good thing was that they got more attention from their first mommy now that Honey was taking on most of the bedroom duties. They used to have to take naps four or five times a day while mommy and daddy talked in the bedroom, now it was only four or five times a week, during the day that is.

That suited Harriett fine. Four or five times a week plus every other evening kept her snatch well lubricated but no longer sore. Ever now and again she would feel just a little more demanding and double up on her weekly schedule but not often enough cause no friction in the family.

Doc and Honey was in love. Four or five times every day, including Sunday they was in love. Honey, who could have sold excess lubrication to the KY Jelly factory, was always ready and never sore. For the first time since she turned seven she was content. Life was good. Doc thought so too, except he did have to call Jimmy for some advice which meant another contribution was due, in cash. Jimmy, blest his soul, was a man of his faith. He knew all about a product that was designed to promote continuous action while preventing abrasions, contusions (what ever they is, I just copied them words from a detective story) or plain old rubbed raw spots on the ridge abound Doc's cock. Doc bought a full case of Staa & Plaa.

Doc got to feeling so good about his self he began trying to take control of house hold decisions. Things like where they would go on vacation or what kind of cars they would buy. He even went so far as to buy a new suit of clothes without asking either one of his wives. Neither his lead wife nor his fucking wife were happy with that turn of events. It was time for another almost deductable cash gift to their favorite church.

Blessed Jimmy heard Doc's confession first then took both the women into the holy of holies at the same time. Doc waited almost two whole hours before the preacher emerged. Jimmy explained that the women were so sanctified that they had to take showers before they could be seen in public again and while that was happening he had a church obligation to discuss with Doc. Doc kind of groaned but Jimmy assured him that he was all paid up on contributions which made Doc feel somewhat better.

Seems as if, Jimmy explained, when god provides great joys he also demands great sacrifice. God had provided Jimmy with the joys of Harriett and Honey, now there was a demand that Doc marry once again to a bride that god has selected. Jimmy said God had picked this woman for Doc since before the world began. Her name was Lilith and she would be at the altar in her wedding gown next Saturday. Doc sputtered and stammered really hard saying that his first two wives would never go for it and that there wasn't enough Staa & Plaa in the entire state of Texas to keep him functional even if Lilith was no more insistent than Harriett. Jimmy just patted him on the shoulder and told him that both his wives had already blest this union and that god would provide for all of Lilith's needs.

Doc had his doubts but he was bound to be a dutiful husband. His wives reassured him that this was god's will for their family. Of course, they didn't leave him no time to brood about marrying a woman he had never met because they only let him out of bed long enough to take a whiz or shower and one of them was a rubbing on his body all that time. They didn't even get upset when the rubbing and the pissing at the same time left dribble tracks all over the toilet tank. They just moved him to the tub to combine the whizzing and showering for the rest of the week. They told him to whiz away but keep it pointed down stream.

Harriett and Honey were standing at the altar with Doc when Harriett's father escorted Lilith down the aisle. Wow, she was a beauty and looked virginal in the flowing white gown and long, long train. Just before the music drowned out the conversations in the church Doc heard his father-in-law say, "Lilith, are you ready." Not every one heard the soft reply, "Maybe, well probably, I guess."

The wedding went off without a hitch until it got to the "I do" part. Oh, Doc was so out of it that he said "Oh yeah" as Honey had secretly slid her hand into his Jockey shorts. Lilith said, "I guess so, maybe. Oh, OK, I do." Doc heard that and would have wondered except he had been without sex for almost an hour and Honey was getting to him with her very talented fingers.

The consummation was another matter. Lilith just wasn't sure this was the right thing to do and she wasn't sure it was proper and she just couldn't make a decision and kind of whined and pouted. She was really worried about her beautiful wedding dress even if she would never wear it again for the rest of her life. Harriett and Reverend Jimmy raised her gown then held her in place while Honey released the tool she had been warming, guiding it to the intended portal. With a long fingernail strategically placed at Doc's asshole she gave a sharp jab seating the man and sealing his fate. Doc now had a lead wife, a horny wife, and a passive aggressive whiner that hated the idea of having to go through birthing to a squalling baby and she intended to avoid sex for the rest of her life. That didn't mean she didn't complain about it, she complained about everything and kept Doc so off balance he gave up all thoughts of leadership or decision making. As long as wife number one and wife number two satisfied his needs and kept wife number three in the other room he was content. The thought of divorce was banned from his head by his momma's teaching and reinforced daily by all three wives.

Doc knew all about living with concubines and he knew those Swarm reporters, even his adored Melissa, were full of shit about life after extraction. It might be fun and it might be sweet but he swears from experience that they aint no man on (or above) this world that will ever best even one good woman, let along three.

Well, that's the end of Leroy's account of how I came to be married to three wives. Leroy's not too bright and he doesn't worry too much about being factual. He does tell a good story so I didn't try to fix his grammar or spelling, letting him tell it in his own words. You've read it, you be the judge.

However, Leroy only knew part of the tale and he didn't say anything about the Sa'arm or the Confederacy's extractions or any of the other things you came here to learn about. He also didn't mention that I've been a world famous writer for longer than I was a soldier. Perhaps he doesn't know that as I've never seen him with a book or even a newspaper. So, as old what's-his-face used to say, here is the rest of the story in my own words.

Waltzing Melissa has been my editor now for one week longer than any other editor over the years. I think that's a great achievement. Even if she has only had the job for two weeks total I've come to rely on her. That's why I yelled to her for help when my world went nuts.

Melissa — Help!

I'm in a bind and don't have a clue what to do. The wit, skill and intelligence you developed for Sarah Miller in your Swarm Universe story "Sarah Gets A Family" makes me hope you'll have some suggestions. Here's the situation.

The rains finally let up about noon today and I had just finished sucking up the water off the basement floor for the last time with the shop vac when Honey came bouncing down the stairs with that gleam in her eyes. She was so hot the pheromones wafted ahead of her and made me dream of another kind of vac. I started to escort her to the bedroom just off my office when she kissed me ON THE CHEEK and said she was off to spend a week with her brother now that the roads were open again.

Shit, that horniness wasn't for me and I was really ready. Honey floated up the stairs with my nose doing its best to follow while my disappointed ass was stuck to the chair. Oh well, I would live if I got upstairs to Harriett in the next fifteen minutes or so.

The door at the top of the stairs opened and since the kids never come down here without an invite I knew it had to be Harriett. Good, her timing was perfect. My eyes bugged right out of my head, it was Lilith! I don't think she has ever been down here and from the panicky look on her face I knew I was right. I was in shock and she couldn't hardly make a noise. Well, crap, she is my wife. I mean with Harriett, Honey and Reverend Jimmy's help we had even consummated the event so it was official in the eyes of god and everybody, well except for maybe an asshole judge or two should they ever be asked.

I did my momma proud, I really did. As much as that skinny woman scares me (and irritates the hell out of me too) I stood up and took her in my arms just the way a dutiful husband should. I said, "what's wrong Lilith, can I help?"

She just started sobbing and sobbing and couldn't even breath right she was crying so hard. She got snot all over my shirt front too. It was a mess and I wanted to run so bad. Well, I hadn't run from any of those VC Charlies and I think they were probably a lot meaner than Lilith, so I held my ground. I was just about as scared here in my own basement as I had been in Nam when they started chopping at us while we were crossing that big rice paddy. Both situations were nasty but a man holds his own, no matter what, and my momma brought me up to be an honorable man.

Lilith sobbed and bawled for maybe fifteen minutes before she just plumb ran down. It was funny cause I held her like I loved her right from the sobbing all the way through the hiccups. Finally she sat down in my chair and put her face in her hands. She mumbled something but I have no idea what.

"What did you say Lilith? I want to help but I can't hear you."

She just mumbled again, only a little louder but filtering her words through her hands and punctuating her sentence with hiccups just wasn't cutting it. I had to ask her again.

Each time she said it her voice was a little louder but we still weren't communicating so I said, "I'll go up and get Harriett."

"NO," she shouted real loud. "YOU CAN'T!"

"OK," I said as I sat down beside her, "Tell me then."

Lilith put her hands in her lap, lifted her head and looked me right in my eyes. It was a scary look. "Harriett says it's time I had your baby," and she started sort of hunching her shoulders like she was having the dry heaves and was going to puke. She wasn't making any noise, just jerking and shaking.

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