Chapter 3

"He wanted to believe in the hands of love..."

How the fuck was she supposed to sleep in a new room, in a place she hadn't been before with Derek's smell all over the sheets and his light snoring coming from the living room? Apparently he had no trouble sleeping. Suddenly she felt the edge to go over there and smash something on his head.

Lily turned over and tried to relax her tense muscles. Nothing worked of course. Her ankle hurt a little but that wasn't the first time she had suffered an injury like that. Basically, her problem was that she couldn't stop replaying their conversation in her head. He was angry, no he was actually furious. He accused her that she was hiding something from him but she suspected that he was also mad at her for almost getting killed. But what could she have done anyway? Whoever had murdered Jerry seemed to think that she dangerous. Therefore this person was trying to get rid of her. How was this her fault she failed to understand.

With a sigh she got up. She needed to go to the bathroom but most of all she needed to get out of his bed. She opened the door without making any noise but he heard her anyway.

"What's wrong?", he asked sounding tired.

Lily felt guilty for waking him up. "Can't sleep. New bed, someone tried to kill me ... You know, normal stuff."

Derek laughed humorlessly. "Are you hungry?"

The question reminded her that she hadn't eaten since Jerry's death. "I could eat."

He got up and turned the lights on. For a minute they just stared at each other. He looked comfortable wearing his shorts and nothing else but she couldn't help but blush. Derek wasn't cold but she was wearing as many clothes as possible. So why did she feel naked?

"I have to go to the bathroom," she mumbled turning around.

She thought she heard him laughing. Throwing some water on her face helped a lot but a shower would have been better. She blushed again, then tried to calm down. Lily hadn't blushed since her days in high school. Now it seemed that she felt young and vulnerable again.

She got out and joined him in the small kitchen. There was barely room for a small table. Derek was sitting making sandwiches.

"Get something to drink."

Lily opened the small fridge and got a beer for him and a Diet Coke for herself. She sat and Derek gave her a plate. They didn't speak for a while which actually helped her eat. She couldn't stand any more questions for the moment. The sandwich was almost perfect but she didn't tell him that. No need to boost his ego, she thought.

"Tell me something," he said.

Lily swallowed and nodded reluctantly. "Why did you fake a relationship with Lowell? Honestly, I can see all the benefits for him but for you..." He shook his head gently. "I don't get it."

"What's so hard to understand? You may think that it was some kind of sacrifice on my part but I can assure you it wasn't. It could be hard sometimes, with Jerry's crazy life and girls following us everywhere ... but after a while I didn't mind so much. The difficult part for me was to keep him clean. I tried but some days it felt like a lost battle."

Derek looked thoughtful, still trying to figure out her motives. Once a cop, always a cop. "What about your life? Your needs?"

Lily sipped her coke to buy some time. He sensed that she was stalling and he pressed his point, "You made a lot of sacrifices for him. You never told anyone he was gay, you were pretending to be his girlfriend, you were his guardian angel. Why?"

"I'm hardly an angel Derek. I had my reasons."

"Explain," he said patiently.

Lily took another bite. She hated talking so much about herself and she never had to before. But now Derek was sitting across the table looking at her expectantly and it would really look like she had something to hide if she didn't answer.

"I liked taking care of him. He needed someone and I happened to be there. Despite all his weaknesses he was really my best friend. He always listened to my problems, he understood better than all my friends from law school ... Also living with Jerry made my professional life easier. Every director learned my name and wanted to work with me. You might think that it's awful for me to take advantage of that but you don't know how hard it is to find a job."

"No," he cut her. "I don't think you are a bad person. You gave many things to Lowell and you took something in return. And I don't know anything about the theater but I know how hard it is to survive out there. So I don't blame you."

His words spoken with certainty made her feel a lot better. Derek wasn't finished however. "What about your personal life?"

"That was improved as well. Everyone thought I was in love so they left me alone. My parents were happy, I was happy." But that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He still looked at her out of his green eyes reading more than she wanted to reveal.

"You are young, healthy and beautiful." No emotion behind his voice. Just stating a fact. "What if you wanted to go out with someone? What about a relationship?"

Happy hour was definitely over, she thought. Derek was sipping his beer still waiting for her answer. "I don't do relationships," she replied. "And I don't date. Jerry was my excuse as much as I was his."

Derek didn't comment on that. "Are you sleepy now?" he asked.

She allowed herself a small smile. "Not yet."

He pointed towards the TV and she nodded. Without speaking they left their empty plates on the table, Derek grabbed another beer and they sat on the couch. Lily was very careful so as not to touch him.

He turned it on but she wasn't paying attention. Until she heard her name on the news. She forced herself to watch it, to bear it as they analyzed every possibility about Jerry's murder, as they tried to turn her into a martyr, someone who lost the love of her life. She wanted to laugh. Then they started showing pictures of her and Jerry. Photos of them at the music awards, photos from their holidays, photos of them holding hands and walking down the street. But what did they know? They were all lies and they were fool enough to believe them.