What to Do With a Drunken Sailor

by Just Plain Bob

Caution: This contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa, Consensual, Drunk/Drugged, Heterosexual, Cheating, Gang Bang, .

Desc: : What he found when he returned from elk hunting.

There is a refrain from a song that keeps playing over and over in my head. I don't even remember for sure where it came from. I think it was something from the Kingston Trio back in the mid to late Sixties although I wouldn't bet on it. It goes:

"What to do with a drunken sailor, what to do with a drunken sailor, what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning."

What planted the refrain in my mind? As some one once said — "Therein lies the tale."


Kate and I have been married a little over fourteen years now. We met on a blind date, something "clicked" between us and we haven't been apart since. Well, that's not totally true. We had spats and disagreements and had separated a time or two before we got married, but we just couldn't seem to stay apart for more than a week or so at a time.

We both have decent jobs that we like and that we are not interested in giving up so early on we decided against having children. To spare Kate the hassle of birth control pills, diaphragms and the like I had the "snip job" done.

I guess you could say we are an average couple living the average middle class dream — buying our own home, two cars in the garage, money in the bank for a vacation every year — and all the other trappings of the middle class. We have a wide circle of friends close to us in age and just enough in the way of outside activities to keep life from getting boring.

I bowl in a Thursday night house league, have a standing golf date every Saturday at 6 AM with three guys I went to school with and I play poker with six close friends on the third Friday of every month. I also take one long weekend in the fall and go elk hunting.

Kate likes to dabble in the arts. She takes classes in painting, pottery, photography and sculpture. She has a MIG welder, and an oxy/acetylene setup with a cutting torch in the garage and she is forever making some sort of metal sculpture (and occasionally selling one). She has a book club and literary discussion group on the nights I bowl, but this tale doesn't have anything to do with any of that. It has to do with Kate's coworkers.

Every two weeks on a Wednesday Kate stops with the girls she works with to sip margaritas (or whatever), shoot the bull in general and let off steam that their management causes to build up. If you listen to Kate the people who run her company are certifiable idiots, but then don't most of feel that way about the people over us at work? The fact of the matter (and one that I'm smart enough to never bring up in front of Kate) is that her company is consistently profitable and she has gotten a sizeable year end bonus every year she has been there. But that has nothing to do with the story either — the profitable part I mean — her coworkers definitely have something to do with it.

Kate would stop with them and on those nights she would usually come home late. She always told me not to wait up for her, but I would stay up and wait for her anyway. I did this because Kate did not handle alcohol well. A few more drinks than she should have and Kate got silly. "Dancing with a lampshade on her head silly" so maybe one night in four I'd get a call from one of Kate's coworkers telling me that Kate was in no condition to walk home let alone drive and on those nights I would have to go and pick her up.

Kate was an extremely attractive and sexy looking woman, but I never worried about some horn-dog moving in on her when she was blitzed because the lounge they stopped at wasn't that kind of place. It didn't have a dance floor, a juke box or a live band and it is almost impossible to move in on one woman sitting at a table with eight or ten others without a working line like:

"Would you care to dance?"

"I saw you sitting her alone while all the others are out there dancing. Can I keep you company?"

Face it. "I saw you sitting here and you turn me on. Want to go some place and fuck" just wouldn't get it done. Then again, if it was Pauline French sitting there it would probably work, but that is neither here or there since Pauline isn't part of this tale either.


It was late in the fall and elk season was about to open. I was going to take my usual long weekend and try my luck. I was leaving Thursday afternoon and wouldn't be back until the following Tuesday. I asked Kate what she had planned for while I was gone and she told me that she was going to work on some of her metal sculptures and that she would be going to a Mary Kay party on Saturday. I told her that I really didn't want her to change her shade of lipstick (I didn't really care, but a smart husband has to pretend to notice things like that) and to enjoy herself and then I headed out on the hunt.

The hunt turned out to be four days in the great outdoors getting lots of fresh air. I didn't even come close to getting my elk. I saw plenty of sign, but I never saw anything except rabbits and an occasional squirrel. I struck camp and headed home and an hour out I called Kate to let her know I was almost home. When I walked into the house I found Kate waiting for me in a sexy black lace peignoir and high heels.

"Three guesses as to what I want lover and the first two don't count."

"Let me take a quick shower and I believe I can accommodate you."

"No lover, no shower, now!"

No way was I going to argue with her so I started undressing as I followed her to the bedroom. She sucked me, fucked me, sucked and fucked me a second time and would have gone a third time if I had been able.

The next morning I wok up with a hot mouth on my cock and so I just laid still and enjoyed. After I was hard enough to suit her Kate climbed on and rode us both to an orgasm and then she gave me a passionate kiss and told me to go shower while she put the coffee on.

Over breakfast I asked what was the special occasion that prompted our morning interlude.

"I missed you. I'm glad you are home."

"Maybe I should go away more often."

"Don't you dare!"

That night after dinner I was in the spare bedroom that we had turned into a home office going over some papers that I had brought home from work when she walked in wearing only high heels. The outcome was predictable and in the warm afterglow Kate surprised me and asked:

"Do you have any fantasies?"

"Just winning the lottery."

"Don't you have any sexual fantasies?"

"I have wondered what it would be like to have a naked Catherine Zeta Jones and a naked Charlize Theron in a hair pulling cat-fight over who got to give me a blow job."

"Don't you have any involving me?"

"Other than watching you being gangbanged by a bunch of college students in a fraternity house? No, none that I can think of."

"You really would like to see me gangbanged?"

"Of course not. What is this all about Kate?"

"I want to do something special for you to show you just how much I love you. I thought that if you had a fantasy I would give it to you."

"No Kate, sorry, but I don't have any."

"How about something that you would like to do that we have never done?"

"Now that's a different story."

"What? What is it?"

"We don't need to go there Kate."

"Yes we do lover. I want to know."

"You already know Kate and you have already said no and I accepted it so let it be."

"No baby, I told you I want to do something special for you."

"I don't want you doing something that you don't want to do just because you want to please me. What we have is plenty good enough."

"No lover, tell me."

I hesitated several moments and then said, "I've always wanted you to suck me to completion and then swallow and I've always wanted to try anal and you have always said no to both."

"That was then lover, but this is now" and she slid down and took me in her mouth. She gave me a halfway decent blow job considering that she had never done one before and she surprised me by swallowing my cum when I got my rocks off.

"Was it good?"

"It was great."

"Tomorrow we will do anal."

She cuddled up next to me and in minutes we were both asleep.


In my office the next day I thought about how Kate was acting since I got back. I had no idea what had caused it, but I liked it and I hoped that it would continue. According to "The Smart Husband's Handbook" one of the ways that might help keep things moving along was to send flowers so I sent Kate a dozen roses to her at her office with a card that was simply signed, "Your secret admirer."

Kate usually beats me home by fifteen or twenty minutes and she was in the kitchen getting a start on dinner when I got there. Given the way she had behaved the last two days I half expected her to hurry over to me, throw her arms around me and give me a passionate kiss, but all she did was turn, smile at me and say:

"Hi honey. Figure a half hour until dinner" and then she turned back to what she was doing.

We made the usual "how did your day go" type talk over dinner and I waited for her to mention the roses, but she never did. I noticed that she seemed to be pre-occupied, almost like she had something on her mind.

"Anything wrong?"

"No, why?"

"You seem to be somewhere else."

She looked at me, smiled and then said, "It's nothing honey. Just a little apprehension over giving you your dessert tonight."

"My dessert?"

"You haven't forgotten that you get to tap my sexy butt tonight have you?"

"No baby, we don't need to do that."

"But I want to. I want to do it for you."

"Maybe you do, but it seems like it is bothering you, especially if it has you feeling apprehensive."

"I've never done it honey and the hole is so small and you are so big."

I let the subject drop, helped Kate clear the table and then dried the dishes and put them away as she washed them and handed them to me. When the kitchen was straight I went into the home office and started organizing the papers and receipts I would need when I did our taxes. I'd been working on things for maybe twenty minutes when I heard:

"Do you really want to mess with those silly old papers when there is something more interesting that you could be doing?"

I turned and saw Kate standing there naked except for the high heels that she knew turned me on. I dropped the pen I had in my hand, stood up and followed her to the bedroom.

I ate her pussy and then she sucked my cock and I do have to admit that my second blow job from her was better than the first. Then I very carefully and slowly took her anal cherry. I know it hurt her at first, but she hung in there and was actually starting to get into it when I came. We showered together and she washed my cock and when we got out of the shower she pushed me back on the bed, sucked me hard and then had me do her doggie style.

"Did I do all right?"

"You were superb."

"The anal wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. I kind of liked it there toward the end. Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Why have you always wanted anal sex?"

"Because I'd never had it and I wanted to know what it was like."

"So it was your first time too?"

"Yep."

"Oh wow."

I woke up with a hot mouth working on my cock and when Kate saw that I was awake she got on her knees, put her head down on the pillow and said:

"My ass lover, do my ass."

When we were done I headed for the shower while Kate went to the kitchen to put the coffee on. Then she showered while I dressed and then I fixed breakfast while she dressed. Over breakfast she asked if it was my poker night and I told her no and then she told me in that case I should make sure that I hurried home because she had a surprise for me.


When I got to work I called the florist to check on the roses I ordered and I was assured that they were delivered to Kate. They had been delivered at 3:05 in the afternoon and yes she was sure they were delivered to Kate Barton. The receptionist had pointed out Kate and the roses had been delivered to Kate at her desk.

When I hung up I was thinking that it was so unlike Kate not to have mentioned them and then I had a disquieting thought. I had only had the card say "From your secret admirer." Was there someone else who might be sending her flowers? Could there be someone else she could think of as being her secret admirer? Nah! Couldn't be. Or could it?

Kate had been extremely amorous that week; a lot more amorous than usual. Was it because she was feeling guilty over something and was somehow trying to make it up to me?

Kate's car was in the garage when I got home and when I walked into the house I hollered out:

"Honey, I'm home."

"In the family room" she called back.

I walked into the family room and stopped and stared. Kate was a living, breathing, walking wet dream. She was wearing what I believe is called a 'shelf bra.' It lifted her tits and cupped them from beneath, but didn't cover a thing. She had applied rouge or blush or something to her nipples and they were strawberry red and erect. She was wearing crotchless panties that matched the bra, a garter belt and nylons and had sexy high heels on her feet.

There was an opened bottle of wine and two glasses on the coffee table and Kate walked up to me and handed me a sheet of paper.

"The evening's menu sir. My name is Kate and I will be your server this evening. May I suggest the special of the day?"

I looked at the sheet of paper and saw that it was designed like a restaurant menu.

Welcome to Chez Barton

Open for your pleasure from 6 PM until 2 AM.

Special of the Day

"The Full Experience"

(Ask your waitress for details)

"The Chef' Surprise"

(Ask your waitress for details)

Ala Carte Desserts

The Half Blow Job Cunniligus

The Full Blow Job (with Chocolate Sauce)

Anal sex Full Head

Vaginal Sex (with choice of sauces)

A twenty percent gratuity will be added for parties of five or more.

I read the entire thing and then I asked, "And just what is the full experience?"

"A half order of head while you sip a glass of the house wine. Followed by a round of regular vaginal sex in the position of your choice topped off by a cleansing order of half head that will prepare you for your dessert. This evening's dessert is "Anal Supreme."

"And the "Chef's Surprise" would be?"

"Whatever the kitchen decides to send you and it is never the same for any two customers in a row."

"I think I'll go with the "Special."

"A very good choice sir. If you will just remove your trousers and briefs and lean back on the couch and relax we can begin."

I did what she said and when I was seated she poured a glass of wine and handed it to me and as I took it she knelt in front of me.

I won't even try to describe the experience. It was mind blowing. I was lying on the bed next to her in that pleasant state of exhaustion that you find yourself in when you have been totally sexually satisfied when Kate said:

"I trust that you enjoyed your stay with us this evening."

"My God Kate, it was outstanding."

"I'm glad. I wanted our last time together to be special."

"Whoa! Our last time together?" I sat up in bed and looked down at her. "What the hell does that mean?"

"I have a confession to make and I fully expect that you will not want me around after you hear what I have to say."

"A confession?"

"It is going to be hard for me to get it all out so please don't say anything until I'm done."

"I don't und..."

"Please Rob. Let me do this and then you can talk. Just before you left on your trip I told you I would be going to a Mary Kay party, but that wasn't true. Margie, one of the girls I work with, sells sexy lingerie at Mary Kay type parties. She was always talking about the parties and what a riot they were and the other girls I work with decided that they wanted to attend one. Linda volunteered to host the party and it was set for Saturday night. I told you it was a Mary Kay party because I intended to buy a bunch of sexy things and surprise you with them.

"It was a party and there was drinking and you know how I get when I drink. You weren't here for me to call if I got wasted so I decided not to drink at all. Linda noticed and I told her why and she said that since I didn't need to hurry home to you anyway I could just go ahead and party like every one else and then spend the night in her spare bedroom so that it was I decided to do.

"The party was a blast. It turned out that along with the lingerie Margie also sold sex toys. I was drinking and having a good time. Margie demonstrated some of the sex toys and all of us tried on sexy outfits and then modeled them. None of us girls were feeling any pain and it got pretty wild. Angie tried out a ten inch battery operated vibrator while we all cheered her on. Sarah tried out a butt plug and some of the other girls tried out various dildos and things. Sue put a pair of ben wa balls inside her and then used a vibrator on herself and gave herself a screaming orgasm. You know how far gone we must have been to laugh and cheer on Becky as she tried to do Alice with a strap on dildo.

"It was about eleven o'clock when Chad and a friend of his walked in. Chad is Linda's brother. He had just come home on leave from the Navy and he brought along his buddy, another sailor who was also on leave. Linda knew he was coming, but he wasn't supposed to be there until late Sunday or sometime Monday. Anyway, these two sailors walked into the room with their duffle bags over their shoulders and look around and see eleven drunken women half naked in sexy underwear.

"You know me when I'm drinking and I was way, way past my limits. I don't know how it happened or how it got started, but suddenly I'm watching Frank — Chad's buddy — fucking Sue doggie while Alice was trying to do him doggie with the strap on. We were all laughing our asses off as we watched Frank do Sue while trying to push Alice away. I don't know if Alice ever got him or not because suddenly I was on my back with my legs up on Chad's shoulders and he was fucking me. I don't remember lying down on my back or Chad putting his cock in me or how we got there. All I know is that one second I'm laughing my ass off as Alice tried to get the dildo into Frank and the next second I'm being fucked. I remember Linda standing there watching and saying:

"That's it baby brother, fuck the little slut. Make her cum Chad baby, make her cum."

"Then Linda started sucking my tits and then Chad was gone and Becky was eating my pussy. I think it was after Chad came in me, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure that he did cum in me. A little latter I was on my hands and knees and somebody was fucking me from behind. It could have been Chad, Frank or one of the girls wearing the strap on, I just don't know. I remember sucking a cock, but I don't know if it was Chad's or Frank's. I remember having my tits sucked and my pussy sucked by some of the girls, but other than the first time Becky went down on me I can't remember who else did. I was fucked a couple of more times and I do know that one of them was by the strap on, but I don't remember who was wearing it.

"I woke up Sunday morning in Linda's bedroom on the bed next to her. She had her legs wrapped around Frank and he was doing her. I made some sort of noise when I woke up and Linda called out, "She's awake Chad" and less than a minute later he was fucking me again. My head hurt, but I wasn't drunk any more and I tried to push him off, but he laughed at me and said, "Too late little girl. I'm in and I'm staying" and he fucked me harder. I'm ashamed to admit it, but after a couple of minutes he gave me an orgasm and I was fucking him back. When Chad was done he got up to take a shower. By then Frank and Linda were done and they had gotten up too.

"I laid there on the bed, stared up at the ceiling and tried to remember all that had happened and thought about how in the hell I could explain it to you. While I was lying there thinking Frank got back on the bed and before I could stop him he was between my legs and pushing into me. I let him. I didn't even fight. I just let him fuck me and while he was doing me Chad got back on the bed and pushed his cock at my mouth and I let him. Frank fucked my pussy and Chad fucked my mouth and again I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had an orgasm. Frank came and pulled out and Chad took his place and he gave me another orgasm. When Chad was done he got off the bed and left the room and then I got off the bed, gathered up my clothes and left without saying a word to anyone.

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