Letter 1 - Guilty By Accident
Now I was supposed to write you this and explain how come the woman I accidentally did was not illegally done after all. What she was turned out to be the party of the first part of the party. I been told I was supposed to use legal words because that is what the defrocked lawyer that went to a mail order law school and has a real diploma and everything and is in here on bad check charges said I should do. But I don't know any of that fancy lawyer talk.
Anyway, I admit I was the doer to the party of the first part, that lady cop, and she was the doee of the second part, as well as the party of the first part. And I was all drunk and had uncontrollable facilities or something. Anyway you know what I mean, you being a high class judge and all.
I mean after all I was drunk because that is what bars are for, to get drunk in, ain't they. Isn't it in bars where you go to get a little strange and get drunk? Otherwise why have bars in the first place? You know what I mean? Anyways, it all started over this pool game. We was playing eight ball on a coin table and one of the guys watching said as how his dick got way harder than a cue ball. And somebody else said that he was full of shit because no part of the hardest dude alive ever was near as hard as a cue ball. So he said that if his old lady was there to get him hard he'd prove it.
And one of the other guys there said, "Well here, use my old lady, she won't mind."
And so he asked her politely if she would mind and she asked him if he had took a bath that week. I guess she was kind of finicky. Anyway, he said yeah that he had a bath just the day before. So she got down on her knees started getting him hard. You know what a hummer is? No, I don't mean one of them big fat ugly cars that burns a shit load of gas going around the block ... This kind of hummer is where she chomps down on his manliness and hums a song. This is a real interesting thing to experience.
I was told don't say peter or cock in this letter so I won't. He said that you was real refined and had a shit fit every time anyone said stuff you don't like to hear as you being so high class and all. So I shall refrain myself and try to use highly toned language.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah she chomped down on his manly hood. To make a long story short, she was a real patriot type female and she hummed God Bless America and gave head at the same time. It was a real spiritual and uplifting thing to see and hear. It made me proud to be an American. Anyway, he stood there with a goofy grin and chugged another pitcher of beer while she is doing her patriotic deed on him.
Just before he started to go off, she quit and he staggered over to the pool table and said his dick was as hard as any cue ball ever made. So when he laid it on the table, I took aim (It was my turn to shoot) and I did a back reverse English shot on that cue ball and when it hit the head of his dick, that old boy went into shock from all the pain he must have been experiencing.
Now what was real funny was that with all that back English on the cue ball, it just sat there on the table in one place, tight up against his big old dick, and spun. In fact, it completely spun the foreskin right off him and he went into more shock. Now he weighed in at a good two seventy-five. And was a little under six feet tall. His big old fat face went red in places and white in places and his eyes crossed and tried to open real wide and scrunch closed at the same time. I mean it was a real awesome sight let me tell you.
Now I know for sure if Jerry Springer had been there he would of turned the cameras on the whole exciting episode. I mean, how often do you get to see a pool ball squish a dude's dick and then rub the foreskin off by spin friction? I mean Jerry Springer searches all over America for true to life odd events and this was true and odd both, believe you me.
Anyway, his buddy got pissed and hit me over the head with a cue stick and it broke. I got a steel plate from a bike wreck and it takes one hell of a lot more than a cue stick to put me out. So when I grinned at him, he got pale his own self and took off. He beat feet out of there like a herd of pit bulls was after him.
He left his old lady behind in a booth, so I took her across the street from the Humper Bar And Grill to the By The Hour Motel and carried her inside. She was some drunk her own self and couldn't walk too good. But so was I. So anyway, I laid her on the bed and went back to the bar and had another pitcher of beer and come back,
Now that was where all that brown stuff hit the fan like they say in refined circles. I went in and got undressed and I rolled her over and with great tender feelings shoved it in her mouth and went to work. Right from the git go she got wild as hell. I mean she was a wild one, all right. After I went off and I pulled out and she yelled like bloody murder and I saw that she was not who I put in that bed in that room.
Anyway, I did what any gentleman would do and I apologized for violating her lips. Hey, you would have done the same thing if you made a mistake like that. I mean you got to be real unsensitive not to apologize when one is due. But even after I apologized, she just turned up the sound knob and screeched louder.
Now let me back up and tell you what else happened. The desk clerk saw me take off and go back across the street and so he thought I was done with her before I didn't even have a chance get to started yet. So he took her back to the office and done her there. Two cops on stakeout wanted that very room for their stake out and so the desk clerk let them have it even though I had paid for two full hours. After all I was out of the room and he took the lady I was dating out of the room, so it was vacant as far as he was concerned.
Now this is where it gets all fuzzy like because some guy starts pounding on my head with a gun butt. At the same time The lady I just showed such a great time to pulled out a badge and somehow, while she was spitting and wiping her mouth was able to scream at me, "You are under arrest you filthy perverted son of a bitch!" That was the last thing I remember because a gun went off and the slug hit me in the middle of my steel plate and kind of knocked me out a little bit.
So you see, it was all a big misunderstanding and I didn't really mean to white wash that lady cop's tonsils. And if she hadn't gone in and laid down on my bed that I still had a whole hour paid on the rent yet, none of this would ever of happened.
Now I want to sue the cops for shooting me in the head. They claim that was accidental like. And if they can claim they shot me in the head by accident from just eight inches behind me, why can't I claim the eight inches I put in her mouth was a legal accident? After all, no man in his right mind would even dream of doing a cop in the mouth or anywhere else for that matter.
So anyways after I got a street lawyer and came up before you and you was nice enough to release me OR (That means on my own recognition, you know.) I swore I would stay out of trouble with no cops. What was you laughing so hard about? I did my level best to be real dignified.
Letter 2 - Victimized By Circumstances
Well it looks like I got busted again. And let me tell you that this is again not my fault this time either. I am a victim of circumstances all over again. This shit just keeps happening to me and I am the victim of it all. I been trying to stay out of trouble because you being so tight assed about such things and all. I have been doing my level best not to piss you off. Because one thing I know for sure is that you never want to piss off a judge when you got to appear in front of him. You know that your own self.
So let me tell you what happened in my own words that is more honest than that lying cop who is full of shit about things. Besides, he wasn't even there when it all happened. I got me a job and I was on my way home when I got a big assed thirst and so I stopped in at the Humper Bar And Grill to have me a great hamburger and a pitcher of brew to wash it down. I was clear at the far end of the bar when the shit happened. I swear on my mother's grave when she dies that I never did none of the things they said I done.
Now I did say to the bar tender, a personal friend of mine that some fat women got holes on them that echoed when you yelled up inside them, but I was not directing it at nobody present. I just made my harmless observation and then I felt a clunk on my head and a broken half of a cue stick fell right down into my pitcher of beer. I knew immediately and without a shadow of a doubt that someone had hit me on the head with a pool cue stick. As I told you in that other letter about my misfortunes that I got a steel plate in my head and it takes a hell of a hit to even give me a headache.
So anyway I turned on my stool and I saw the other part of the broke pool cue in this fat gal's hand and I was smart enough to put two and two together and get an answer. Her eyes got real big that I didn't fall over. I am used to this reaction from people who smack me over the head and then crap in their pants when I don't fall over and be knocked out.
So anyways, she says to me, "Oh, I'm sorry that I stumbled. Excuse me."
I said something real clever about how she had to kiss me where it hurt and she smiled and reached over and patted my leg and I accidentally shifted on my stool and she accidentally patted me on the dick and her old man saw it and just like that cop jumped to the wrong conclusions.
.... There is more of this story ...