After I wrote "A Treatise on Masturbation" the response was phenomenal.
Well ... perhaps "academically well received" is the better phrase.
OK, OK. Forty-seven people read it, and only half of them laughed.
But of the 23.5 people who laughed, one of them was named Ron, and he demanded that the females of the world be represented in a future ... um ... scholarly work.
Well ... perhaps it is more accurate to say he suggested that the girls might feel left out.
OK, OK. he actually said: "How about a Treatise on Petting The Pink Kitty?"
But I'm quite sure Ron is concerned about the feelings of our feminine partners, and not just slavering at the thought of what's going on when a woman spends A Night In With The Girls.
In any case, my scholarly curiosity was piqued by his suggestion.
Well ... perhaps it was more that I'm an amateur student of etymology that caused me to delve into words and phrases that represent a woman Going On Automatic Pilot.
OK, OK. I get just as excited as the next guy when I think about the subject under consideration. And, since the first treatise DID default to the consideration of masturbation as it pertains to males, (I'm a guy, ergo I'm sexist - or so women tell me, ) it seemed only fair to Take A Look At The Female Side Of Things.
In any case, I did the research, which was both interesting and illuminating, and I thought the forty-seven of you might want to have a balanced view of things. To that end, I enlisted the aid of Peaches, my editor, who is ALL female (down boys, she's taken) and who laughed so hard I knew I had amazed her with my erudite reflections on the inticacies of Doing The One Handed Mamba. Her muttered comment "You can't be serious, Bob," convinced me I was on the right track. I'm quite sure her concern was only because I'm making public what women probably want to remain veiled. Kind of like the secrets of the Masons, you know?
So, with no further ado, here it is.
As everyone knows, men and women are different. It should not, therefore, surprise the student of Onanism to find that masturbation differs between men and women. More to the issue, the POINT of masturbation differs between the male and female of the species.
For men, the process is to pursue the science of Ejactology, which you won't find in any dictionary, but which means, loosely: Spewing as much and as often as possible."
With women, the point is not to eject body fluids (though, as a side effect, such is reported to be quite a happy thing, ) but rather to arrive at a plateau of joy and passion that is difficult to achieve when a partner is involved. More to the point, female masturbation is a sport that may be engaged in, literally, for an hour or more at a time.
Men are mountain climbers. They rush up the mountain side, bellow to the world that they have conquered, and then collapse and roll back down while trying to smoke a cigarette.
Women don't seek the top of the mountain, with the possible exception of Summiting Mount Baldie, for those who shave their naughty part. Rather, most seek the flat expanse of the butte, where, once there, they can stroll around, viewing the world from slightly different vantage points, have umpteen orgasms and still have plenty of energy to skip back down, when they're done, to where the man is drinking beer and watching football on TV.
Women like to make it last, which is why female masturbation is so popular, even if women have boyfriends. With a man involved it is, quite often "Wham, bam, thank you Ma'am." Not so when a woman Tiptoes Through The TwoLips on top of that butte. This was alluded to in the song: "Shebopping With Your Baby All Night Long."
There are also cultural differences between the sexes when Coming Into Your Own.
References to the male practice tend to involve words like "Battle." Historically that fits. Men went out and hunted, while the women stayed back in the cave and cooked and raised the kids. This is not to say that such cultural stereotypes should still be the rule. It may, however, explain why there are so many references to cooking, in euphemisms for female masturbation.
While Jack (later to adopt the surname 'Off') was out hunting wooly mammoths, Jill stayed back home, preparing a Clam Bake For One. Technology, not being very far along yet, restricted her somewhat. She could Search The Cabbage Patch for something to eat, taking time to Pet The Petunia growing among the edible things. If she found something, it gave her the opportunity to Make Soup. Those who lived along a coast had the advantage of being able to Spear The Bearded Clam and Fish For The Pearl, so she could Steam The Oyster. There were dangers, of course. Women learned that Abusing The Anemone might cause them to end up with sore fingers, if they weren't careful.
For those removed from the coast, they might avail themselves of fruit. Women became adept at Squeezing The Peach, to see if it was ripe. If she found a nice ripe one it was a thing of beauty. She'd want to Polish The Peach, before consuming it, Searching For The Peach Pit carefully, so as not to break a tooth. Dentistry, of course, hadn't popped into anybody's mind yet. Only later would Drilling The Hole, at least in a tooth, occur to someone. Playing With Her Pineapple was less dangerous, and was popular where those grew. In the tropics Peeling The Miniature Banana was a fairly routine kind of thing.
You might think that women got bored, while the men were out being men. But all that time alone gave women the chance to engage in Fingering Something Out. Er ... FIGURING something out, is what I meant.
For instance, it was women who first thought up the idea of domesticating animals. It probably started with Coaxing The Turtle Out Of Her Shell. Maybe some woman found an injured animal and cared for it. It's possible that, while Brushing The Beaver, one day, a woman saw what beavers did with wood and got the idea for houses, which would improve things. If they lived in houses, women wouldn't have to Search The Alcove all the time to see if anything had moved in while she was out. Groping The Grotto also led to sore fingers sometimes. And, once people became nomadic, it was very important to Clean Between The Camel's Toes. If you forgot to Search For Pebbles In Your Camel Toe you could have the equivalent of a flat tire, so to speak.
It could be that a woman found an orphaned infant animal one day and started Petting the Pink Puppy or Buffing The Weasel. Maybe it was a feline and she found herself Petting The Pink Kitty that Ron was talking about or Making The Kitty Purr. If that happened, though, you can be sure she found out that Taming The Tigress, when it grew up, was a very energetic kind of process. Historians generally agree that it was women who domesticated dogs, though. One of the earliest of written records documents how a woman was Looking For The Dog. This was known by her words, recorded as: "Gee-Spot! There you Are!"
As time passed, and technology improved, it was possible for a woman to Preheat The Oven while she was Kneading The Dough and then Rolling The Dough. Baking, married with women's already developed gathering skills, led to some tasty treats. Having domesticated cows by then, a woman could Churn The Butter so she could then Butter Her Bagel, and end up Having A Finger Licking Good Snack. If she could Raid The Honey Pot it was even better. And, if she got tired of bagels, she could Buff Her Muffin instead. Even later, of course, she could Examine The Hole In Her Donut.
And, as technology marched on, if she wasn't Defrosting The Freezer or Getting The Last Pickle Out Of The Jar, she might be Polishing The Peanut while she was Making Gravy, which would be used after Tenderizing Her Y-Bone Steak, or Cooking The Meat Curtains. And she no longer had to live near the coast to be able to Baste Her Tuna, if she preferred seafood.
Vegetables went with the meat, of course. Whether it was something as simple as Tossing A Pink Salad or Tenderizing The Artichoke, she was sure to provide hubby with a good meal after his hard day. And she didn't have to Search The Bramble Patch any more to get good vegetables either, which gave her time to have a little fun with food too, like Flicking The Bean Around.
Let's not leave out our Hispanic friends since, along the southern border, there was a lot of intermingling of cultures. It was common along the border to do the Two Finger Taco Tango, or Tickle The Taco, in preparation for Warming The Enchilada when her man got home.
Dessert! I almost forgot dessert! It was essential to Make Whipped Cream before Slicing Your Pie. If pie wasn't her thing, she could always Stir The Cake Batter. And, when there just wasn't time to prepare a formal dessert, she could always Get Into The Cookie Jar. If the cookies were a bit stale, Soaking The Whiskered Biscuit would soften it up. A little of that whipped cream or something from the honey pot would then make for a delightful end to a good meal. Of course these days desserts are much richer. If you're watching your waistline you may want to think about Having A Banana-less Split. Be sure to Check The Cherry on top. Checking For Freshness is a must.
And, if hubby came home unexpectedly for lunch, a woman could always let him Put Mayo On Her Vertical Bacon Sandwich. Then, if he left her high and dry, That slippery mayo would help with Nulling The Void.
The downside of all this time doing domestic chores was that women spent a lot of time Cleaning The Kitchen, of course.
But time marches on, and things generally improve, and it wasn't long before women had enough labor saving devices at their beck and call that they could indulge in some activities other than simply being a domestic creature. Sports, for example. Fitness is important, especially to a woman who wants to retain her girlish figure.
In the old days, exercising might have simply consisted of Carpet Bumping, as a woman did some pushups or something. Nowadays, she can Spend Some Time Working Out At The Y, which is always good for Checking Your Pulse.
Women have become adept at practicing team sports while alone. Going For The Three Point Shot is a good example. Scoring The Hoop is just as much fun as Sliding Into Home. And you can always Practice Playing Goalie by Engaging in Couch Hockey For One. And girls, pay no attention to men who call that "Pussy Soccer." Remember, it was the man who left you Having To Finish The Job in the first place. Just tell him you can recognize bullshit when you hear it, because you've been Riding In The Bed Post Rodeo for years.
Now, if you're into running, or like the outdoors, but it's raining, have no fear. You can Have Your Fingers Run the Slippery Slit Relay indoors. For those of you who are shaved, you may call that Playing On The Slip And Slide. If running seems to call for too much energy, just Let Your Fingers Do The Walking. Believe it or not, you can Go Hiking With The Girl Scouts without ever leaving the house! Yup, you can spend time Strolling Around The Hood, Taking A Walk Through The Park or Walking Downtown and do it all in the comfort of your own home.
Pretty slick ... huh? You bet it is. The slicker, the better.
Now, when it stops raining, and you want to get some fresh air, there are a plethora of outdoor activities you can Get Personally Involved in. One popular pastime is Playing Tennis Without Balls. If you're in good shape already, Digging A Foxhole or Digging A Trench is a good workout. And if it's still a little damp from that rain, then Letting Your Fingers Mud Wrestle is a lot of fun. If getting dirty isn't your thing, then maybe Riding The Unicycle is for you. That's also good training for Flagpole Sitting, which will have you in prime shape when your man shows up and you get to Rest On The Old Fence Post.
Of course you need to work up to vigorous exercise like that. You may want to start with a little Solo Spelunking, which is a little less energetic, if you take your time. And, while there's very little exercise benefit from it, Fishing Without A Pole will still get you out in the fresh air. You don't even need any bait, since Fishing Without A Worm is sometimes even more successful than Fishing WITH A Worm. If your adventurous you might take up golf though, until you get some experience you'll probably be Going For The Double Bogey for a while.
Finally, for you girls who like the water there's a raft (sorry about the bad pun there) of things you can pursue.
Waxing The Canoe will get you ready for Paddling The Pink Canoe and Shooting The Rapids. If you want a more leisurely trip, or some company while you exercise, you can Play With The Man In The Boat while you're Traversing The Bermuda Triangle. Of course, if boats aren't your thing, just go Surfing While The Tide Comes In.
In any case, if you overdo it, always be ready for Dialing The Rotary Phone, in case you need to call an ambulance.