Me and ol' Jed, was sittin' outside the general store one day jus' mindin' ever body else's bidness. It musta been past my dinner time cause my belly was a rumblin' somethin' fierce. I was decidin' which it'd be today, chili beans at Pedro's or beef steak down to Lily's.
Now Jed, he was practizin his tobacca spit aim on the old hound dog that was layin in the street. The dog didn't seem to be rightly happy about bein' a target for ol' Jed, he kept growlin' and showin' Jed how sharp his teeth was. Now you gotta understand about ol Jed, he's none too smart, and he ain't much to look at neither. Me n' ol Jed been ridin' together for as far back as I can recollect, and it's widely known here in these parts, that I'm the brains of this here outfit.
The old hound, he don't seem none too smart neither, but sometimes I gotta admire him. Well he hiked up his back leg and commenced to lickin' his nuts. I'm a thinkin he does that jest to make Jed jealous.
Jed looked over at me with that two tooth shit eatin' grin of his, "Jake, I purely wish that I could do that," he said, pointin' down to where the hound was.
"Now god dang it Jed, how many times have I told you, if you was to lick that dog's nuts, he'd plumb bite the shit outta you," I said with some wisdom. "What would you want to do a fool thing like that for anyhow? The dang hound looks like he's a holdin' his own, he likely don't need your help nohow."
"No ya dern idiot, I was wishin' that I could lick my own nuts," he said.
"Shit fire Jed, if I was you, I'd take my chances on them dog balls, they'd likely be a site cleaner," I returned.
"Oh fuck you Jake and that mangee old horse of yers too," he said turnin' red in the face.
"Not on yer best day pard, and don't you go badmouthin' my stud neither, or I'll hafta kick that skinny ass of yours," I told him in no uncertain terms.
"Heckfire Jake, you know that roan ain't no stud. I was with you the day you tried to jump that barbwire fence on im," he whined.
I winced at the thought of Roanie's family jewels hangin' from the top wire of that dad blamed fence. Now it might not seem real important to you folks that Roanie is a little light in the britches, but if I was him, it'd be purdy danged serious to me. That's why I haven't told him yet, so keep yer yaps shut.
Tryin' to change the subject, "Hows about me an you mosey on down thata ways and get some vittles?" I asked.
"You buyin?" Jed asked as usual.
"You go an spend all yer wages down at the cat house again?" I questioned, already knowin the answer.
"Well shoot Jake, what's a feller to do?" came his reply.
"What's a matter Jed, that old ewe of yers pissed off at you again?" I said with a laugh.
"Dang it Jake, why you have to keep teasin' me about that ol' sheep? I only did it seven or eight times, and it ain't like the sheep minded no how. You didn't hear her complainin' none," Jed flustered.
We sauntered on down the dirt street a piece to Pedro's cantina. Now if the truth be known, ol' Pedro, he don't really own the joint no more. I think the new honcho's name is Manwell or some dang thing, just as well anyways, the food is better since he took over.
We saddled up to the bar and Manwell was right there to take our order, "Two chili beans Manwell," I told him.
"Si, dos frijoles," he replied.
Jed had to stick his two cents worth in, "No Manwell, we don't want no free holes, we wants beans and Jake's payin" he pointed out to Manwell.
I decided to keep my mouth shut because I was purdy hungry. But Jed, did I mention Jed's not right in the head, ah shoot it don't matter much no how, he kept right on pesterin' Manwell about the free holes. Any how, after I finished eatin my beans, I went on out and helped Jed up off the street where Manwell had chunked him. Ya see, after the third or forth time, Manwell got tired of talkin' to ol' Jed. Dang if that little guy ain't tuffer'n boiled owl shit, he musta tossed Jed nigh on thirty foot. Jed landed on his head, don't recon it'll hurt him much.
I handed Jed a tortilly that I'd stuffed with beans, didn't want him to go a starvin' on me. We shuffled on back to the general store, they was a heap more daylight to kill. It's hard work, but I recon we could handle the chore. I leaned my chair back on two legs and fished my tobacca pouch outta my shirt pocket. I folded the cigarette paper down the middle and poured a good bit into the fold. Rollin cigarettes is one of them things that you gotta learn with practice. After a couple a tries, I got the dang thing jest right and put it in my mouth and lit it. I love that first drag after a good meal.
I watched a few tumble weeds roll from one end of town to the other, Jed had pert near perfected his spittin' aim on the hound, when our attention was drawn to the clatter of hoofs comin' down the road.
In these here parts, it's a rare occurrence to see a wagon beatin' hoofs into town. It's even more rarer to see one all painted up purdy with writin' on the side. You might not be able to tell right off, but I ain't much on book learnin, but I know my letters.
When the wagon pulled up in front of ol' Jed an' me, I took to figurin' jest what the writin said. T H E S P I A N T R O U P E is what was painted on the wagon. Now this had me plumb buffaloed for a spell and ifin it weren't for Jed, shoot, who knows how long I'd a set there figurin.
When the driver got down, wearin his fancy suit an' all, Jed just come right out and asked the fancyman what it said.
"Hey fancyman, what's that there say on the side of yer wagon?" asked Jed.
"Thespian troupe, my good man," answered the fancyman.
Well let me tell you right now, I mostly fell off my chair. Some while back, I was down to the saloon oilin up my gizzard, when this feller comes struttin in and after a few drinks, he percedes to inform me about a particular kinda woman from over the seas called a thespian. Now these thespian ladies is supposed to like to diddle with other ladies, don't that beat all. Bein' from around these here parts, I ain't never heard of such nonsense, but this here feller keeps a sayin he ain't lyin. Now, I never put too much stock into what the feller told me, not until now that is. Hell, it says so right on the side of that there wagon that them thespian women are real.
As I was waitin' for them thespians to get outta the wagon, I was getting some real funny pictures in my head about how one woman could go about diddlin another. It jest didn't make no sense to me how they could get the job done. Ifin you been around cows at all, you seen one cow mount another cow but it don't amount to nothin, jest a little humpin and then they mosey off in their own direction.
I kept on a wonderin if them thespians was built funny, but they looked like regular girls when they stepped outta the coach. They was three of em in all. They looked like they was built normal to me, but with them fancy dresses on I couldn't be too sure.
The first one was real tall and skinny like corn stalk and she was so ugly, I bet she could plumb scare the mud offin a shovel. The next one was purdy enuff, but she was older than my grandma. Now the last one, she was somethin else, she had the face of an angel but musta weighed in at three hunerd pounds. Damn, the kinda gal you would ride with yer spurs on and I reckon you may dern well need em ifin you don't want to get bucked off.
Well ol Jed, he ain't bashful, "Jest what is it you thespians do?" he asked.
"We perform on stage if we are able to find a proper venue," the tall one replied.
This time I did fall off my chair, but my lips was movin before I even got to my feet, "You mean you do it in front of people?" I asked, not believin what I heard.
"Well of course, where else would we perform?" said the old woman.
"Well I don't rightly know, but I didn't figure you'd do it in front of other folks," I retorted.
"What's this here venue thing?" Jed butted in, "Maybe they got one of them in the gen-ral store."
The bean pole moved in closer to Jed and touched his face, "You poor, poor dear, a venue is a stage. A platform for us to perform upon," she said.
The fancyman piped up and asked, "There wouldn't happen to be a stage in this fair city, would there?"
"Nah, the Fargo stage won't be a comin til some time next week," Jed let on.
"You mean like the one over at the oprey house?" I pitched.
"Excellent, that is precisely what I had in mind," said the fancy man.
Well now, this was gonna be one show I wouldn't miss for all the tea in China. Me, bein' the natural curious type, was gonna find out exactly how them thespians furnicate one another. I didn't rightly know what ol' Jed was suspectin' but he was likely to be struck dumb, and maybe even blind.
The next couple a days went on by purdy slow. I was thinkin' plenty about them nekkid thespians up on the bandstand. I don't mind tellin' you, I had to make two or three trips to the outhouse to polish the rust offen my spike. If this kept up much longer, I'd have to make a trip on down to the cathouse. My rough ol' hands was plumb wearin' the hide offen my tallywacker.
.... There is more of this story ...