Me and ol' Jed, was sittin' outside the general store one day jus' mindin' ever body else's bidness. It musta been past my dinner time cause my belly was a rumblin' somethin' fierce. I was decidin' which it'd be today, chili beans at Pedro's or beef steak down to Lily's.
Now Jed, he was practizin his tobacca spit aim on the old hound dog that was layin in the street. The dog didn't seem to be rightly happy about bein' a target for ol' Jed, he kept growlin' and showin' Jed how sharp his teeth was. Now you gotta understand about ol Jed, he's none too smart, and he ain't much to look at neither. Me n' ol Jed been ridin' together for as far back as I can recollect, and it's widely known here in these parts, that I'm the brains of this here outfit.
The old hound, he don't seem none too smart neither, but sometimes I gotta admire him. Well he hiked up his back leg and commenced to lickin' his nuts. I'm a thinkin he does that jest to make Jed jealous.
Jed looked over at me with that two tooth shit eatin' grin of his, "Jake, I purely wish that I could do that," he said, pointin' down to where the hound was.
"Now god dang it Jed, how many times have I told you, if you was to lick that dog's nuts, he'd plumb bite the shit outta you," I said with some wisdom. "What would you want to do a fool thing like that for anyhow? The dang hound looks like he's a holdin' his own, he likely don't need your help nohow."
"No ya dern idiot, I was wishin' that I could lick my own nuts," he said.
"Shit fire Jed, if I was you, I'd take my chances on them dog balls, they'd likely be a site cleaner," I returned.
"Oh fuck you Jake and that mangee old horse of yers too," he said turnin' red in the face.
"Not on yer best day pard, and don't you go badmouthin' my stud neither, or I'll hafta kick that skinny ass of yours," I told him in no uncertain terms.
"Heckfire Jake, you know that roan ain't no stud. I was with you the day you tried to jump that barbwire fence on im," he whined.
I winced at the thought of Roanie's family jewels hangin' from the top wire of that dad blamed fence. Now it might not seem real important to you folks that Roanie is a little light in the britches, but if I was him, it'd be purdy danged serious to me. That's why I haven't told him yet, so keep yer yaps shut.
Tryin' to change the subject, "Hows about me an you mosey on down thata ways and get some vittles?" I asked.
"You buyin?" Jed asked as usual.
"You go an spend all yer wages down at the cat house again?" I questioned, already knowin the answer.
"Well shoot Jake, what's a feller to do?" came his reply.
"What's a matter Jed, that old ewe of yers pissed off at you again?" I said with a laugh.
"Dang it Jake, why you have to keep teasin' me about that ol' sheep? I only did it seven or eight times, and it ain't like the sheep minded no how. You didn't hear her complainin' none," Jed flustered.
We sauntered on down the dirt street a piece to Pedro's cantina. Now if the truth be known, ol' Pedro, he don't really own the joint no more. I think the new honcho's name is Manwell or some dang thing, just as well anyways, the food is better since he took over.
We saddled up to the bar and Manwell was right there to take our order, "Two chili beans Manwell," I told him.
"Si, dos frijoles," he replied.
Jed had to stick his two cents worth in, "No Manwell, we don't want no free holes, we wants beans and Jake's payin" he pointed out to Manwell.
I decided to keep my mouth shut because I was purdy hungry. But Jed, did I mention Jed's not right in the head, ah shoot it don't matter much no how, he kept right on pesterin' Manwell about the free holes. Any how, after I finished eatin my beans, I went on out and helped Jed up off the street where Manwell had chunked him. Ya see, after the third or forth time, Manwell got tired of talkin' to ol' Jed. Dang if that little guy ain't tuffer'n boiled owl shit, he musta tossed Jed nigh on thirty foot. Jed landed on his head, don't recon it'll hurt him much.
I handed Jed a tortilly that I'd stuffed with beans, didn't want him to go a starvin' on me. We shuffled on back to the general store, they was a heap more daylight to kill. It's hard work, but I recon we could handle the chore. I leaned my chair back on two legs and fished my tobacca pouch outta my shirt pocket. I folded the cigarette paper down the middle and poured a good bit into the fold. Rollin cigarettes is one of them things that you gotta learn with practice. After a couple a tries, I got the dang thing jest right and put it in my mouth and lit it. I love that first drag after a good meal.
I watched a few tumble weeds roll from one end of town to the other, Jed had pert near perfected his spittin' aim on the hound, when our attention was drawn to the clatter of hoofs comin' down the road.
In these here parts, it's a rare occurrence to see a wagon beatin' hoofs into town. It's even more rarer to see one all painted up purdy with writin' on the side. You might not be able to tell right off, but I ain't much on book learnin, but I know my letters.
When the wagon pulled up in front of ol' Jed an' me, I took to figurin' jest what the writin said. T H E S P I A N T R O U P E is what was painted on the wagon. Now this had me plumb buffaloed for a spell and ifin it weren't for Jed, shoot, who knows how long I'd a set there figurin.
When the driver got down, wearin his fancy suit an' all, Jed just come right out and asked the fancyman what it said.
"Hey fancyman, what's that there say on the side of yer wagon?" asked Jed.
"Thespian troupe, my good man," answered the fancyman.
Well let me tell you right now, I mostly fell off my chair. Some while back, I was down to the saloon oilin up my gizzard, when this feller comes struttin in and after a few drinks, he percedes to inform me about a particular kinda woman from over the seas called a thespian. Now these thespian ladies is supposed to like to diddle with other ladies, don't that beat all. Bein' from around these here parts, I ain't never heard of such nonsense, but this here feller keeps a sayin he ain't lyin. Now, I never put too much stock into what the feller told me, not until now that is. Hell, it says so right on the side of that there wagon that them thespian women are real.
As I was waitin' for them thespians to get outta the wagon, I was getting some real funny pictures in my head about how one woman could go about diddlin another. It jest didn't make no sense to me how they could get the job done. Ifin you been around cows at all, you seen one cow mount another cow but it don't amount to nothin, jest a little humpin and then they mosey off in their own direction.
I kept on a wonderin if them thespians was built funny, but they looked like regular girls when they stepped outta the coach. They was three of em in all. They looked like they was built normal to me, but with them fancy dresses on I couldn't be too sure.
The first one was real tall and skinny like corn stalk and she was so ugly, I bet she could plumb scare the mud offin a shovel. The next one was purdy enuff, but she was older than my grandma. Now the last one, she was somethin else, she had the face of an angel but musta weighed in at three hunerd pounds. Damn, the kinda gal you would ride with yer spurs on and I reckon you may dern well need em ifin you don't want to get bucked off.
Well ol Jed, he ain't bashful, "Jest what is it you thespians do?" he asked.
"We perform on stage if we are able to find a proper venue," the tall one replied.
This time I did fall off my chair, but my lips was movin before I even got to my feet, "You mean you do it in front of people?" I asked, not believin what I heard.
"Well of course, where else would we perform?" said the old woman.
"Well I don't rightly know, but I didn't figure you'd do it in front of other folks," I retorted.
"What's this here venue thing?" Jed butted in, "Maybe they got one of them in the gen-ral store."
The bean pole moved in closer to Jed and touched his face, "You poor, poor dear, a venue is a stage. A platform for us to perform upon," she said.
The fancyman piped up and asked, "There wouldn't happen to be a stage in this fair city, would there?"
"Nah, the Fargo stage won't be a comin til some time next week," Jed let on.
"You mean like the one over at the oprey house?" I pitched.
"Excellent, that is precisely what I had in mind," said the fancy man.
Well now, this was gonna be one show I wouldn't miss for all the tea in China. Me, bein' the natural curious type, was gonna find out exactly how them thespians furnicate one another. I didn't rightly know what ol' Jed was suspectin' but he was likely to be struck dumb, and maybe even blind.
The next couple a days went on by purdy slow. I was thinkin' plenty about them nekkid thespians up on the bandstand. I don't mind tellin' you, I had to make two or three trips to the outhouse to polish the rust offen my spike. If this kept up much longer, I'd have to make a trip on down to the cathouse. My rough ol' hands was plumb wearin' the hide offen my tallywacker.
So the big event finally was set for that night. I got there early with ol' Jed in tow. I was gonna get me a seat right up front even if I had to thump a few noggins to do it. As luck would have it, me and Jed got the best dang seats they was. Jed was his usual smelly self, but I had forked over a dollar to get a hot tub bath and a haircut. I purt near as excited as kid in a candy store. My whanger had a notion or two of it's own, he was wanderin' around inside my long handles lookin' for a way out. The pertrusion was plumb obscene, and I had to cover it up with my Stetson.
After a big to do and a long speech by the mayor, the show was gonna begin. I was glancin' around the room, the whole dern town musta been there. I had to chuckle a might, thinkin about how them fine upstandin' church folk was gonna react to them thespians thespisin. I figured the parsons wife might jest get the vapors and croak and the school marm was apt to piss herself. It was gonna be one hell of a show.
So grandma thespian struts out on to the stage and she starts a jawin' about this Wilbur Shakey Spear fella. I weren't to clear about what she was goin' on about, I jest wanted the thespisin to begin.
Well then it happened, the shit done hit the barn door when the fancyman come walkin' out. He was all dressed up in this silly assed get up with long socks and baggy drawers. He had a fancy coat and the stupidest dang hat I ever saw. Jed purt near shit hisself, and commenced to laughin'. He was kickin' his feet and the dern fool kick over a kerosene lamp. Well, you probbly can guess, the fire started a burnin' purdy good. The fancyman was tryin' to stomp out the fire and his pointy shoe started burnin'. He was a dern fine dancer, but I don't reckon it was a purpose.
The women was a screamin and the men was shoutin. I was beatin the crap outta ol' Jed for ruinin' the thespian show. Jed was still laughin' at the dancin' fancyman and the fire was getting bigger by the minute. The sheriff was yellin for everyone to get out, I let loose of Jed and ran to the back to see about the thespians.
They was a might flustered, so I took charge of the sitiation. The tall one, still in her bloomers, was the closest so I heaved her over my shoulder and made for the door. I dumped her out the door and went on back, I passed the fancyman still a hobblin some but he was headed in the right direction. Now grandma she was worried about her clothes, seemed kinda funny to me since she was a fixin to strip on down in front of the whole dern town. I told her I would save the dresses ifin she would get the heck out.
In the shuffle I realized that I had forgot one, the fire was lookin like the gates of Hadeys now but I reckoned ol' fatty needed my help. I jumped into the horse trough and soaked myself to the bone, I reared back and ran like a dang fool into the blaze. I looked high and low for her fat ass and came up short. I was startin' to feel like rare roast beef, dang it was hot. The fire was burnin' real good and there was jest no way for me to get back out through the front door. I made a mad dash for the back door and hit it full steam, wouldn't you know, the door weren't hardly shut and I continued at a full gallop until I crashed into the outhouse.
Now for your information, a growd man runnin full tilt at a outhouse door don't stand a chance at a good result. The only thing that saved my hide was that fatty was sittin inside with her bloomers round her ankles doin' her biddness. I ended up purdy much sittin' in her lap, but the force of me collidin' with the little shack ... Well it was creakin and groanin and I saw the surprised look on the thespians face jest before the cave in.
Though the muck was soothin after bein in the fire, well, they jest ain't no way else to say it, it smelled like SHEE-IT. I had no other thought on my mind but to get the hell outta that stink hole, but every time I got a foot hold that blamed woman pulled me back in. With all the commotion from the fire, it didn't hardly make no sense to cause a ruckus, so we sat in that honey water until dawn.
A man gets a real apperciation for flowers while spendin the night sittin in shit.
It took two mules to drag that thespian outta that hole, and I spent the day and the best part of a ten dollar gold piece tryin' to get the stink off.
I figured to see how ol' Jed made out but I couldn't locate the varmint. The barkeep at the saloon told me I might oughta go see the sheriff. Well, it seems that they locked him in the clink. The sheriff tells me its fer his own good seein hows he a idiot an all. He also persuaded me to get outta town at the end of his six gun, said he don't want no lynchin' party to spoil his supper.
Well, bein fond of breathin', I hitched up ol' Roany and headed east into the sunset. Now you might reckon that this is where the story ends. Well, you'd be wrong. Bout an hour or so down the trail, I ran smack dab into them thespians fixin to make camp for the night.
They was down right hospitable and asked if I'd like some supper. Not bein' the type to turn down a meal, I said "shure," and set out to gather some firewood.
I noticed right off that the fancyman weren't with em. I reckoned he holed up a few days to let his burnt up foot mend a might. After the fire was a cracklin', I tended to the horses and got em bedded down for the night. The thespians made a right tasty stew and I ate my fill. I reached in my pocket lookin' for my cigarette tobacca, but I reckoned that I'd lost it in the shitter.
So jest as I was feelin' low about not havin' an evenin' smoke, the skinny bitch pulls out a little bitty cigarette and hands it to me. Shit fire, that was some smoke. My throat felt like I'd been on the trail for a week with no water, and my head was a buzzin' like I'd went and drank three bottles of rotgut.
The fat one and the skinny one headed down to the creek, grandma and me set a spell by the fire and smoked another tiny butt. Now I'd heard tell about the weeds that some Injuns took to puffin', this musta been it. I was feelin' bout as stupid as Jed, and I had a grin from ear to ear. Them tiny cigarettes was bout the dangedest thing I'd done since Ma smacked me in the head with a cast iron skillet when I was a youngun.
Now I want y'all to listen close to the story cause we's jest getting' to the good part.
Granny thespian grabbed me by the arm and we went stumblin' down to the creek. When we was about there, she held a finger to her lips to signal to me to be quiet. We kinda snuck up on the other two, least ways if they heard us, they didn't pay us no never mind.
Now this was some sight, the two girls was a playin' in the water without a care in the world. They didn't have one stitch of clothes on between em. Their bodies was all wet and kinda glistenin' in the moon light. Holy horse turds, this was the mother lode, I was gonna get to see the thespian show after all.
I was so busy watchin' them girls in the water that I clean forgot about grandma. Well, she hadn't forgot about ol Jake, I'll gar-un-tee. While I spied on skinny and fatty, she was unhitchin' my britches. As I watched fatty suckin' on the others nipples, granny was undoin' the back flap on my long johns. I'd long since forgot to breathe, and this was way better than the rodeo at Sedona. It was sure-nuff excitin', I jest wished that ol' Jed was here to see it cause there ain't no damn way anybody is gonna believe this here shit goin' on right in front of my eyes.