I was fourteen when my mother and father divorced. Being an only child for most of my life had been something I'd come to appreciate. Seeing my friends and how they so often fought with their sisters or brothers gave me an even greater respect and thankfulness that I didn't have to go through all that.
I rarely saw my father after that as he'd moved to the East coast because of a new job, and I hated it whenever I'd gone for a visit. After a while it really didn't matter much to me anymore and I was perfectly content to live alone with my mother. It was only natural of course that after an appropriate amount of time that she started dating again.
That was never an issue for me either. I wasn't so self-centered that I didn't care about her happiness, or her sex-life, which even back then I assumed she wanted, so didn't mind it much when she finally began dating as it actually gave me more time to myself which over time I had again begun to appreciate.
And not that I was some kind of loner either, I had plenty of friends, even a few girl friends who on occasion would come over, especially when mother was out for the evening, giving me the opportunity to hone some basic skills in the make-out/petting department. So as far as I was concerned, I was happy with the status quo. The problem was, my mother wasn't.
I knew things were getting serious when she began dating Ken nearly every weekend. And not that I minded that either, as now I had most Fridays and Saturdays to do whatever I felt like doing, though still required to obey whatever curfews my mother had imposed on me, that or face the consequences of losing some of my extra ordinary privileges, especially at my age, and that I wasn't about to screw up as I was smart enough to know how good it was that I really had it.
In time, I learned a lot more about this guy as mom seemed to find it important enough for me to eventually get to know him better, so I had an inkling even then that things were proceeding along to what I felt would be an eventual union between them. I had also learned of course that Ken had a daughter who was my age. Her name was Kathy, whom I soon met when Ken and my mother decided to spend the day at a local amusement park, dragging the two of us along as well in an effort to have us meet in what they hoped would be a reasonably fun-filled day without too much awkwardness coming between us under the circumstances.
Almost immediately we began fighting like we actually were brother and sister. Kathy had no desire to ride the rides I wanted to, and I had no desire to go on most of the ones she did either. We ended up compromising, which as I saw it wasn't much of a compromise either, with me going off with Ken, and Kathy often going off with my mother for much of the time we spent there. Because of that, they didn't end up having much of a good time themselves either.
In a way, I felt bad for mom, like I said, I really did want her to be happy, and living alone even with me there wasn't the same thing. And I really did like Ken, I had no resentment towards him whatsoever, nor did it appear that Kathy had any towards my mother as they seemed to get well enough along whenever the four of us were thrown together for one reason or another.
The problem as I saw it was Kathy. And the problem as she saw it ... was me.
As expected in a fairly short period of time, mom and Ken decided to marry, what I hadn't expected or even really thought about wither, was that we'd end up moving into Ken's place as it was considerably bigger as well as nicer than where we lived, but that it would also necessitate me leaving most if not all of my friends behind. And worse, I was now forced to accept the fact I had a sister, even if she wasn't my real sister, who I already didn't get along with, and whose house I would soon be living in.
The only plus as I eventually came to accept, was the fact I had a much larger bedroom than I'd had previously, and was allowed to decorate (or not decorate) as I saw fit. Part of my mother and Ken's desire to make me feel more at ease and at home for giving up so much of what I felt I had lost perhaps, which for a time I took advantage of though looking back on it now, I came to feel guilty about for having done.
The one other good thing about it was that my room was fairly secluded downstairs near the den, whereas Kathy's room was upstairs across the hall from our parent's bedroom, so at least in this respect, I still had some privacy, though quite naturally still forced to share space in the den with Kathy whenever it came to watching TV, listening to music or trying to play a video game. It seemed that for whatever reason, she and I were always at odds over things like that which continued to remain so over the course of the next few years.
In time, we'd both learned to accept the situation as well as one another, so that we at least got along well enough to stay out of one another's ways, and even at times actually have some fun together. Even graduating from high school together was a big thing that our parents went out of their way for in celebrating, gifting us each a (used) but reasonably nice looking car as a graduation present.
I as yet hadn't made up my mind about continuing on with my education, even considering joining the service instead, though I had also decided to take that first summer off to think about my options, though working part-time in order to afford the use of my car, not to mention dating. Likewise, Kathy had chosen to do pretty much the same thing, and so it was we found ourselves with more time on our hands than we'd ever really had before that first summer, which is also when our entire relationship began to change in ways neither of us would ever have thought possible.
And don't get me wrong, though we sometimes fought like cats and dogs, Kathy was an attractive looking young woman, had she not been my step-sister, I might have even been attracted to her as a potential girlfriend, which now in hind-sight looking back, I probably already was, though I didn't see her as such simply because of the forced circumstances.
What I did notice whether I wanted to admit it to myself now or not, was that she had grown, changed over the years, and truly was very beautiful, something I had taken recent note of since my own girl friend and I had broken up, so I was once again alone and spending more time at home, growing increasingly bored with that as well. Kathy on the other hand seemed to have more boyfriends than she could shake a stick at, going out nearly every other night at least, and unlike me, not having to have to pay for doing it either, so she seemed to have more luxuries for herself than I could even begin to afford, part-time job or no.
I had noticed a day earlier that she had purchased a particular music CD that I'd been dying to get for myself, but needed to wait until payday before getting it. Normally, we'd both been respectful of one another's privacy, always knocking and being invited in to one another's rooms, and NEVER going into them without us being there. Under any other circumstances, I wouldn't have. But since I wanted to hear this CD before deciding to actually purchase it for myself, and knowing Kathy had it, the temptation not to enter her room, "borrow" it briefly and return it before she ever knew that I had was simply too tempting not to. I might have even asked her before hand, but she'd already gone out for the evening, and I didn't feel like wasting an entire day waiting to ask her. So it was that I broke an unspoken rule between us, and entered her bedroom without permission.
Surprisingly, her room was even messier than my own. Not that she was a slob mind you, but whereas most of my stuff was somewhat organized, most of her things seemed to be haphazardly scattered from hell to breakfast. Most of her CD collection lay scattered on top of her work desk along with several magazines, books and other personal items. I quickly began searching through the mess trying to find what I was looking for, and did, when I also came across a rather well worn, rather thick book that immediately drew my attention. Across the front of it were the words: "My diary".
I didn't even know she kept one, let alone wrote in one, and out of natural curiosity, I picked it up finding no lock on it though at one time there had obviously been one. I opened it somewhere in the middle I guess it was, curious to see what sort of things she wrote to herself about, though I also know that somewhere in the back of my mind, I was hoping to read some private or dirty little secret, something perhaps that I might even use against her should the situation ever call for it. What I read however floored me, hitting me like a sledge-hammer as I scanned over the words, reading them again over and over until I'd finally convinced myself that what'd I'd just read was correct and that I wasn't imagining it. The entry was dated a few months ago during the summer just before graduation.
"I know I shouldn't, but I can't help wondering what Mark's cock looks like. I stood in the window watching him today as he mowed the lawn, though he didn't see me of course. He might be my stepbrother, but he has a fantastic body, and the way he looked in his cut-off Levi's had me wet between the legs in no time. I wondered what he would have thought had he known that I stood there playing with myself the whole time, having an orgasm in fact just as he finished."
I was speechless, and I was weak in the knees, as I stood there suddenly afraid that I might get caught on the one hand, but now even more curiously interested to read what else she might have written about me. Against my better judgment, I quickly retreated from her room, taking her diary with me, figuring that at the very least I still had several hours alone to myself before anyone was expected home. As a precaution to that however, rather than going downstairs to my own room, I headed into the main living room where we hardly ever sat, but where I could easily hear any cars pulling up into the drive, giving me plenty of time to put Kathy's diary back where it belonged before getting caught with it.
Positioning myself on the couch with a portion of the curtain pulled back so I could quickly look out in the event I heard anything, I thumbed back through to the date I had accidentally first opened her diary at and began scanning backwards from there. It didn't take long to find another entry with my name in it either only a few days prior to the one I'd just read.
"Let Steve finally play with my boobs, and not just through my blouse either! Something he's been dying to do for the past couple of months now. Though he'd probably be upset with me if he ever knew or found out that the only reason I even let him was because of how horny I was. Horny, because I'd actually been thinking about Mark and not him, which is why I even let him finally get to second base in the first place. I saw Mark kissing Darlene after school, though I know he didn't see me. Can't believe I'm actually jealous of her, can't help but wonder if they're doing it. Played with myself again last night wishing it was me and not her he was kissing. Anyway, it was exciting finally letting Steve touch me, but sat there wishing it was Mark doing it the whole time that he was."
My mouth was dry, and my cock was rock hard. I actually felt light-headed as well as aroused and confused as I again scanned backwards looking to read more.
"He'd probably kill me if he ever knew this, not to mention what dad or Jill would do if they ever found out, but I snuck into Mark's room today, don't really know why I did, or what I was looking for, certainly not the dirty magazines I found stuffed under his pillow though that surprised me a little, nor the used cum-hanky I found in his drawer, though that at least does explain why he as so many of those in the wash when it's my turn to do the laundry, didn't recall seeing him blowing his nose all the time to be going through so many of those, now I do."
I felt my face redden with shame and embarrassment, reading that, though I was angry too as I sat there reading how Kathy had invaded my privacy, but then I continued reading on, invading hers.
Found a dirty note that Darlene had sent him, tore it up, don't think that he'll miss it though, not the first one I've found. Still wonder if they're doing it, though so far it seems she's only hinted to him about it. Threw away the pair of panties she stuffed into his folder too, that was gross in a way, though I later wished they'd been mine he was jerking off into and not hers. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way about my own Step Brother, but I can't help it. I keep wondering what will happen after graduation if we'll all go our separate ways after that. Maybe it will be for the best if we do, then maybe I'll quit having these thoughts about Mark."
"Damn! I wondered whatever happened to those," I said to myself now knowing what really had happened to the panties Darlene had given me as a tease back then. I'd looked all over my bedroom for them, then decided that perhaps mother had accidentally found them, realizing who they were even from perhaps, and had thrown them out herself. I certainly wasn't about to ask her about them either, so let the matter drop, wondering if something might be said at some point, though there never was! At least now I knew!
It was at that very moment that I heard a car pull up front. I took the briefest glance out the window, confirming that it was indeed Kathy who had just arrived.
"Fuck!" I said aloud, racing from the living room upstairs to her room as fast as my feet would take me. I'd managed to safely get the diary back into her room, but hearing the front door open, knew that I was caught on the upper level of the house where only Kathy's room and my parent's own bedrooms were, leaving me no reasonable excuse for even being there. I had only one other option, and that was the bathroom. With luck, Kathy wouldn't even know I was in there, and if somehow she did discover it, at least that gave me some sort of excuse for being on that level of the house if nothing else.
I quickly sat down on the toilet, even as I heard the front door slam, then moments later the sound of Kathy's feet as she literally flew up the stairs, then running down the hall past where I was at, into her bedroom with the door once again slamming behind her.
"Ah oh!" I thought to myself, "She's pissed!" Giving me even more reason to try and hide my presence from her, which I now hoped I could accomplish by quietly slipping out of the bathroom and back down the stairs to my own room before she discovered I was even there.
I'd even gone so far as to remove my shoes, figuring I could slip out even more quietly, soon after turning the knob on the door, easing it open and stepping out into the hall. The moment I did however, I could hear Kathy crying, sobbing almost uncontrollably through her door. I nearly continued on down the hall towards the stairs anyway, but her cries of sorrow finally got to me, and without having any real good reason for my being there, I walked over to her door and knocked.
"Kathy? It's me ... Mark."
There was a long silent pause before she spoke again, though this time the tears had stopped.
"What do you want?" she asked sounding irritated now.
"What I want, is to come in and see how you are," I said simply, continuing to wait.
There was another pause, though a shorter one this time.
"The doors open," she said.
Realizing I was still holding my shoes, I tossed them behind me onto the floor, and then walked in.
"What's wrong? What happened?" I asked.
Her eyes were streaked, mascara running every which way, which she only then tried in vain to repair as she sat in front of her vanity mirror. "I'm sorry, didn't know you were home," she said. "I didn't mean to upset anyone," she offered.
"You're still not answering my question," I said. "What happened?"
For the first time in recent memory, Kathy turned towards me, both her face and voice softening as she spoke.
"You really want to know?" she asked honestly.
"Yes, I do."
Even then she hesitated. "It might shock you a little," she told me candidly.
"After today, nothing could shock me," I thought, though I didn't say that. "Try me," I said instead.
"You know that Steve and I have been dating for quite a while now yes?"
"Yes," I said, though I now knew a whole lot more to that story than she realized.
"Well, he's been pressuring me to, well to you know ... have sex with him."
"Not surprised, but am guessing that you haven't yet."
"No, no we haven't, though I have let him do a few other things."
Once again I knew what some of those "things" were as she'd put it, though I hadn't read forward yet, so perhaps there were a few more besides that I wasn't really aware of.
"Go on." "Well the truth is, I've been putting him off, giving him just enough the way I thought about it to keep things under control without getting out of hand, but I guess even that wasn't enough. Finally, last week he told me that if things didn't happen between us soon, that he'd find someone who was willing."
"And?" I asked, already having an idea where this was going, though as I was about to learn, having an even greater impact on me that I realized.
"Obviously, he did, which I only found out about today. I wondered why Steve wanted to see me in the middle of the day, what it was he wanted to talk about, expecting more pressure from him about the other thing. But that's when he told me that he was breaking up with me, because he had in fact found someone else, and that they had already done what I was obviously unwilling to do with him.
"Who was it?" I asked, already having a sneaky suspicion by the look on Kathy's face as she looked at me.
"Darlene," she said softly.
My break up with Darlene had indeed been a difficult one as well. She had been the first girl I'd really cared about, but strangely enough, it was I who wasn't yet ready to have sexual relations beyond the a-typical petting and fondling which we had done together. She wanted more, not just the sex, but a commitment of sorts towards the future as well, which was something I wasn't totally sure I wanted to share with her.
"Go figure," I answered finally sitting down on the edge of the bed next to where Kathy was now sitting.
"Pretty ironic isn't it?" she said trying to smile.
"Very," I admitted, though Kathy had no clue that I knew how truly ironic all this really was. "Did you love him?" I asked.
She actually laughed at that.
"No, I didn't. Though I tried to convince myself that I did ... or eventually would at least."
"Ok, so why are you so upset then?" I found myself asking. "Obviously you didn't have sex with him, so no harm, no foul. And I can understand you being upset with him because of Darlene, but if you didn't love him or want to have sex with him, then why are you so upset about it?"
"The reason I'm upset, is because life isn't very fucking fair!" she said bluntly, using a word I had never heard her use before. "That's why!" she nearly yelled, once again beginning to cry.
"Ok, you lost me." I said sitting there now more confused than ever.
"Fine! The truth is, I don't love Steve, because I'm actually in love with someone else, but he doesn't even know that I am. And even if he did know, there's not a damn fucking thing I can do about it, nor would he even knowing that for that matter! So ... there, now you have it. That's why I'm crying and upset, because what I really do want, I can't have. And what I thought I wanted isn't there anymore either, which only makes me want to have the thing that I now know I can never have. There ... is that better?"
She was rambling, carrying on ... standing up waving her arms about wildly as she spoke pacing back and forth in front of me.
The next thing I knew, I had reached out, grabbing her arm as she walked by, pulling her towards me, off balance where she collapsed falling against me as the two of us tumbled back onto her bed, and then I kissed her. For a moment, Kathy tried pushing me away, even kicking, but only for a moment. With tears now streaming down her face once again, I kissed her again, even deeper this time, my tongue forcing its way inside her mouth where it met, and then danced with hers. After several long moments, she did push me away from her, but not forcefully this time, gently, asking for some space as she did so, which I then gave her.
"What the hell was that all about?" she said suddenly coming to her feet, trying to act like I had suddenly lost my mind or something, which in a way, I had.
And to be honest about it, I wasn't sure what to say, or why I had done it, and so said the only thing that suddenly made sense to me.
"Because I love you," I told her, "because I love you."
"Wha ... whad' you just say?" She asked me again, her eyes wide open in surprise, her hand now bracing herself against the work desk, leaning against it as though it were the only thing holding her up, which perhaps it was.
"You heard me," I told her half tempted to stand, grab her and kiss her again, though I didn't.
"But why would you say that?" she asked seriously, looking at the moment like she really was about to faint and fall over by the looks of it.
"Why else? Because I do!" I continued on with this weird word game we'd begun playing, stating the truth, all the while dodging the reason though I was honestly feeling a bit dizzy and faint myself as I sat there.
We both just stood there staring at one another without speaking for quite some time. Finally like a light-bulb going off inside her head, Kathy spoke.
"How did you know?"
To this day I'll never know why I did it, it was a stupid move that I regretted for a very, very long time afterwards. But I turned my head towards the desk, not realizing that I did really, not really meaning to. But as I did, so did Kathy, looking where I had looked, and seeing her diary sitting on the desk the moment that she did.
"Please tell me you didn't read it," she said her voice quivering, both in shock as well as in guilt, fear and embarrassment.
Even by not talking, I spoke volumes, my face said it all though even then I tried to feign ignorance as to what she was talking about, she immediately picked her diary up however examining it. It may not have been locked, but the page saver that now dangled from the book told her it had indeed been looked through. In my haste and stupidity, I had failed to see it, or replace it back where it had belonged.
"How could you!" she screamed at me. "How could you just come in here and go through my personal things!"
My only defense was in offense as they say. And another stupid tact that I also wished later I hadn't used. "Me? What about you?" I tossed back. "You're the one who came into my room and went through my things!" I screamed back at her. "My magazines, my hanky's, and Darlene's panties too!" I also included stupidly, now reminding her of the other reason she'd come home all upset in the first place.
I had in effect, knocked the wind out of her though, she had nothing to say, couldn't say anything to me after that. All she did was point at the door, throwing the diary at me, just missing me as she did so.
"Get out!" she finally managed, even though I was nearly through the door as it was, then heard her as she slammed it behind me.
I looked down seeing my shoes, which I'd tossed down earlier, along with her diary that had just gotten through the door before I did. I picked it up along with my shoes and slowly walked downstairs back to my room, listening to Kathy's once again uncontrollable crying as I did so.
I don't know what excuse it was that she gave for not coming down to dinner that night, mine was along the lines of not feeling well due to catching a cold or something which is why I didn't. Perhaps with the two of us giving Ken and mom that excuse, they actually bought it without questioning it further, only telling us both to stay in bed the next day, and to call them if either of us needed anything.