Between the days when the waters drank Atlantis (they also sipped Mu, chugalugged Lemuria, and sort of gulped down a couple of really decent tourist islands), and the rise of the sons of Eros, was a time when shining kingdoms were strewn over the lands. To these lands came Gonad the Barbarian to lay the kingdoms and to wear a crown of gold upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who knows of all his deeds, and who sets them down in the written word. Cum now, and I will tell of the days of high adventures when Gonad was young.
Gonad was born in the barbarian lands, far to the north, one winter's night when the Frigid Ice Queen's voice howled above the gale, and her two bothers, Daze and Nyghts, filled the wind with snow. The Uthenuth tribe, were a people fearless in the face of danger, tall and straight, strong of arm, agile of foot, but Gonad was born into the Crinninom tribe. The people of the Crinninom tribe, weren't quite as tall as the Uthenuthians, weren't as straight (in fact many were interior decorators), weren't as strong, but they were fearless—in a cautious sort of way.
Now Gonad's father, Gladnad, was an Uthenuthian, and like the rest of his people he was a tall, powerful man with jet-black hair and eyes like coal. He was the third son, of a third son, of a family of blacksmiths. Gladnad, like all the male members of his family, became a blacksmith—he was a good one too. Unfortunately, in Uthenuthian society, when you are third son, of a third son, you don't have much seniority, and in a village of 827, you don't get much work. So, Gladnad moved over to the Crinninom village, where the people were not noted for their metal work (or for very much else, either) and set up his forge. Gonad's mother was a Crinninom girl, golden of hair, blue of eyes, and sensuous of figure. Her name was Udderlee, she was the daughter of Salmon and Allee the sheepherders, and Gonad would always have a soft spot in his heart for ewes.
Gonad had the jet-black hair of his father and the deep blue eyes of his mother. Like his father, he was strongly muscled and tended to act before thinking. Gonad found out, at a fairly early age, that he wasn't really cut out to be a blacksmith. For reasons that never were understood, Gonad tried to do the job in the nude. The sparks that kept burning his skin were annoying, but what finally determined things, was when he was pounding out a bit a metal, and his boy part got caught between the hammer and the anvil. Udderlee insisted that the lad find another type of work; she wanted grandchildren one day, and she saw her dream being cut short (literally), if things continued the way they were going.
One day, young Gonad went with two his friends, Ruff and Oluff, to gather scrambled eggs. When gathering scrambled eggs, it was very important to carry along a big bowl, as scrambled eggs tend to escape when held in the hands. The boys went to the Cliffs of the Birds, where in the spring, birds would lay their eggs on protruding ledges, high above the ground. Unfortunately, the birds would neglect to build nests, and a good many of their eggs would roll off the ledges and fall to the ground below. So it was, that boys (scrambled egg gathering, like hunting, was restricted to males only—females had the joy of cooking and cleaning up the mess afterwards) armed with big bowls, would stand at the bottom of the cliffs and attempt to catch the falling eggs. Of course, eggs falling from way up there, to way down here, end up becoming scrambled (if not somewhere along the way, immediately upon impact), therefore the need for big bowls. Often, half the eggs caught in this manner, ended up splashing upon the bowl holder, for this reason those catching eggs did so in the nude.
"You know," said Gonad after studying the cliffs intently, "if someone were to climb those cliffs, I bet he could get a lot more eggs than we can standing down here."
"Well, yes," replied Oluff, "the thing is—those cliffs are mighty high, and if someone fell off them, they would probably end up looking like scrambled eggs."
"Only reddish," reminded Ruff, "with guts hanging out."
"Not only that," Oluff continued, "but also there are a whole lot of birds up there."
"No problem," laughed Gonad, "both you and I know, birds fly away whenever a person comes near. I think I'll climb the cliff and bring a bunch of those eggs down in a sack. I'm tired of catching eggs in a bowl, most of those eggs end up getting all over me."
"I don't know," Oluff cautioned, "you don't want end up looking like scrambled eggs."
"Yes," Ruff nodded, "reddish scrambled eggs, with guts hanging out. No, I don't think it is a good idea, either."
Oluff and Ruff were purebred Crinninom boys, which gave them a reasonable amount of intelligence and a considerable amount of caution. Gonad, on the other hand, was part Uthenuthian, and it was that part of his heritage that usually ended up not thinking situations through, rushing him into things with daring abandon.
Gonad found himself a good-sized bag, tied it around his neck, and headed up the side of the cliff. If there was one thing that Gonad was good at (other than the daring abandon stuff), it was climbing, and in very little time he managed to climb far up the cliff to where the egg ledges were. True to Gonad's prediction, the birds flew away at his approach. He pulled around his sack and prepared to start filling it with eggs. It was somewhere around this time, Gonad discovered that mother birds are quite possessive of their unhatched offspring. Like a storm cloud of feathers, the birds came flying back and descended upon the egg thief. Gonad quickly became aware of the weak part of his egg harvest plan; he had made no contingency plan for a rapid retreat. Still, retreat he did, but it was an ungainly descent, one in which he was harassed all the way down by biting, clawing birds. Ruff and Oluff watched in wide-eyed amazement as Gonad reached the ground and began running for home.
"We tried to tell him," Oluff sadly said. "He's a bloody mess. Those birds even pecked his pecker!"
"Gonad," Udderlee scolded her son, after he reached home and she was dressing his wounds, "you are bound and determined to keep me from becoming a grandmother. If those birds had pecked you a little bit more, I'd have a daughter and not a son. Thank goodness, you are old enough to begin your coming of age class, and once you come of age I'm going to see you married to Elun of the Earthenware Clan."
"Not Elun," Gonad winced as his mother applied more stinging medication on his wounds, "she is the dirtiest girl in the village!"
"That's just clay from making earthenware," Udderlee told him," besides most men like dirty girls—or is that girls who act dirty?"
"I don't see any difference," Gonad shook his head.
"Oh, you will," his mother smiled wickedly, "after you are married."
It took almost two months for Gonad's injuries to heal, and the lazy days of summer were well underway, when Ruff, Oluff, and Gonad were sitting under a shade tree, trying to decide how to spend the day. They were doing their best to maintain a low profile (young men that maintained a high profile, were often put to work doing tasks, which made them wish that they had maintained a low profile).
"I don't know," Ruff shook his head, "what do you guys want to do?"
"I don't know," Oluff replied, "another week and our coming of age classes begin. Seems that we should do something special before then."
"Hey, maybe we could sneak down to the swimming hole. It's the girls' day down there, and we could see them naked," Ruff said. All swimming, of course, was done in the nude (why get clothes wet, they just require drying afterward). It was the practice of the Crinninom tribe, to keep both girls and boys ignorant of all aspects of sex, until they reached the age of nineteen and had finished their coming of age classes. This was often difficult, if not impossible to do, but the adults of Crinninom like to give it their best effort.
"Yeah, that would be nice," Oluff responded, "I've seen a few girls naked in my day. I wouldn't mind seeing some more."
"I've seen a couple of them, too!" confessed Ruff, "They make me feel funny when I look at them, all nervous-like."
"I know just what you mean," sighed Oluff. "Their breasts all perky and their bushes all fluffy! I tell you, I'm starting to feel funny just thinking about it."
"Me, too!" admitted Ruff.
"Me, too!" added Gonad."
"Dang!" Oluff said looking down at the rising bulge in his loincloth, "that always happens when I think about girls."
"It happens me, too!" added Ruff seeing his own loincloth rise.
"I think it happens to every fellow," Gonad nodded as his loincloth suddenly began to look like a tent, "whenever a guy thinks about a girl."
"I don't think it happens to every guy," said Ruff. "I mean, it only seems to happen to Lenutt when we boys are swimming."
"Lenutt," Gonad nodded, "that's the kid that wants to be an interior decorator, isn't it?"
"No, no," corrected Oluff; "he's likes to make women's clothes."
"Well, how about it?" asked Ruff. "Are we going down and sneak a peek at the girls, or what?"
"You know, that might not be a good idea," Gonad remarked, "those girls can be awful tough on a fellow."
"What?" Oluff gasped in amazement, "You, advising caution? I don't believe it!"
"I've seen what a girl can do, and it isn't pretty. Promise not to tell anyone, and I'll tell you what I saw," Gonad sadly shook his head as the two other boys solemnly swore themselves to keep the secret. "Well, you remember my cousin, Ironad?"
.... There is more of this story ...