Chapter 19: Peter

I can't believe I overlooked Missy; all these years right there, like sunlight.

But she perfect. Ok, maybe not the hottest girl I ever dated but she's smart and funny and on the swim team at the center so we already do damn near everything together.

And for once, I think she feels for me how I feel for her.

She even worked a charter cruise with me one Saturday when it was my turn to fill in. Mom likes her, Dad likes her, hell even Uncle Edward liked her on the boat.

I'm keeping a B average, I qualified for the FINA Open Waters in Australia and I am now officially classified as Top 16 Open Water worldwide. Everything is going well. Everything except Alex. Alex is a problem.

He took the submissive thing to heart and went to down right docile everywhere but on the football field. When Leigh broke up with him over it, he didn't put up a fight.

I still don't think he really gets what too far is - his own tolerance for abuse is far too high, what I have to do to get him is scary. I have actually gotten him to say 'peanut butter' twice since spring break. Once I almost made him do it anyway.

About a week before some school dance, during study hall, Lisa Hunter sits down across from me ... Naturally, I was taking Missy and to my surprise, Shawn Evans was taking Beth. Since the Ballroom dance team was performing again, Alex is going to the prom but I hadn't decided if he was staying.

"What's wrong with Alex."

Of all people, she deserved the truth. "He's being punished."

"For?"

I glanced around; I don't think anyone can hear us. "For getting a girl pregnant. Maybe. She's she hasn't called us with test results."

"Oh. Wow."

"She's married, so it's kinda complicated."

"Yeah." she looks a bit stunned.

"I'm also trying to get him to understand what too far is. He needs limits."

"Yeah."

We sit in silence for a while.

"I think you're being too hard on him." She says at last.

"WHAT?" A few people shsh me and I lower my voice, "Lisa, you of all people know how he is. I swear, he thinks consent is when she says 'hello'."

"A little aggressive's not all bad."

"A little? Lisa, honestly, how close did he come to raping you?"

She looks away. "Not that close."

"Sure you right." I test how big a liar she is. "Yo' Dad stop slappin' you around yet?"

Her jaw sets. "Dad had some issues."

"Yeah. A little aggressive, is he?"

We sit in silence for a while.

"He's so sad, Peter. It's not right."

She's right, I know she's right but I can't trust him yet. He hasn't got it. I don't know if he'll ever get it.

"Are you guys going to the dance?" Lisa asks suddenly.

"I am. Alex is grounded." I see her brow furrow. "Why, you wanna take him?"

"He was sort of my back-up plan but if he's grounded..."

"I can lift it."

"You? I thought his parents..."

"They don't know about the girl. Hopefully, they never have to find out."

"Oh. Ok, then, yeah. I wanna take Alex. I trust him, Peter. I don't know what happened, but he's really upset."

"He has restrictions. I'm not gonna lift them. It won't be, you know, how he used to be."

She looks at me for a long time. "You've really changed too." She heads back to her desk leaving me to wonder what that comment was about. I don't think it was a good thing.

I catch Alex just before Missy and I leave for the rec center. "You have a date for next week. Get a corsage."

"Yes, Sir." Even I'm at the point where I would love to hear 'fuck off' just once.

The Friday before the dance, I get a call during class - no, I'm not supposed to use my phone in class but that hasn't stopped me yet. I see the light on my phone flash before it rolls to voice mail. After class I check the message.

It's Jessie, calling to let me know that she will not be able to go fishing but thanks for the offer. I feel myself sag against the nearest wall. If she was pregnant, she was going to come meet the family. No fishing trip, no baby.

I'm going to see Alex at lunch anyway but I still call him. He needs to know this now.

"Yes, Sir?" he answers.

"Jessie's not pregnant." There's silence on the other end. "Alex?"

"Uh. Oh. Shit. Hold on." I hear him asking to be excused in the background. Then, a minute later, he rounds the corner toward me.

He crashes into me in a very public display of emotional break-down. It only take a couple minutes for him to pull himself together but I have no idea where this reaction is coming from.

"Is she ok?" He asks finally. "Did she say?"

"She sounded fine." I offer.

"I, uh, had gotten sorta used to the idea of being uh dad."

"You could knock somebody else up."

"Not even funny. Way too soon." He wipes his face on his sleeve. "Way too far."

"Really?" If he got it finally, I'm stunned. "Why's that?"

"It's - uh -" He glances around, "now?"

"Yeah, maybe not." This could be one of those long drawn out discussions. "We'll go to the river after school. Talk it out. OK?" He nods. "Go on back ta class. Lunch?"

"Cool." I can see him pulling himself back together.

When I see him later in the afternoon, he's still pretty subdued, but he doesn't seem quite as forlorn. I can't cut practice but I break my standing date with Missy after and we go to our spot.

Before we get out of the car, I make him tell me the rule again.

"No running, no jumping, no swimming." He replies.

We sit on the hood and stare at the water for a while.

"Ok, this is gonna sound like bullshit, but it's the only way I can think to explain it."