Chapter 34

We had only been home for a few weeks when Em came to me one evening as I sat studying for my finals. She had a strange, determined look on her face, and tears in her eyes. She'd been up and down since the holiday, happy one minute, morose the next. Morocco appeared to have done me much more good than it had her. I wondered whether I should wheedle the problem out of her. It was a matter of finding the right moment. Too soon and she'd clam up for longer, too long, and she could become resentful and tell me I wasn't paying her enough attention. She beat me to a decision.

"Jill ... I don't know quite how to say this ... I love you so much, and I don't want to change or upset what we have, but..."

"Just tell me Em." "I think ... I know ... I want ... a baby ... a child. I want to have a child of my ... our own."

I gasped and dropped my books on the floor.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" I asked, genuinely in doubt.

"I want to have baby, Jill. Desperately." She confirmed.

"Come and sit down, tell me about it," was all I could manage while I gathered my thoughts and essay.

"Is that all you've got to say?" She asked with a note of surprise and impatience.

"There's not much more I can say until you've told me what's going on," I replied as soothingly as I could.

Em still found it hard to open up about emotional issues, except in the aftermath of sex, when I could sometimes catch her unawares. She quelled spasm of annoyance, recognising my logic, and remembering to whom she was talking.

"I'm sorry Jill. I've been keeping this from you, and I know I should have spoken about it earlier ... I just hadn't ... couldn't believe it was me wanting this for a long time. It's your bloody fault anyway." She said it without malice.

"How so?" I inquired, beginning to smile.

"Bringing all those children to the Hall, exposing me to them. It wasn't fair. I never ... liked children before. As you know, I didn't exactly like being a child. You softened me up and threw me right into it."

"Sorry Miss..." I sighed. "Culpable as ever."

"I really am serious darling. I don't know what's got into me. Ever since Morocco it's like I can hear every tick of my body clock. I need this so much it hurts, but..." I lifted an eyebrow questioningly as she paused.

"I can't do it without you, and I'm so frightened that you won't want to do it with me. You've never ever talked about wanting children, and you've got so much on, and..."

She was getting wound up, over-talking herself in her effort to convince and reassure me all at once. I was still a bit dazed. Em was right; I had never talked about children. The urge to procreate had never been more than a brief pang ... like in Morocco when I saw her with that little boy...

Since Em had been sacked by the University, she hadn't been able to find any work that properly utilised her skills, she'd been blacklisted. I was her main employer, but even I had to be careful in case there were charges of nepotism from the staff, residents, or board. Being in charge did restrict my freedom is some very oblique ways. Em could only do so much in the woods, and the house could not be touched, because she had it right. God, where on earth would we fit a baby? Even though we slept in the same bed for much of the time, there were still frequent nights when, for various reasons we preferred to sleep apart. There would be no spare room, or no room for me in Em's bedroom ... Now my mind was beginning to spin as fast as hers. Was she bored? Was it as simple as that? Of course it couldn't be, not with Em, but I had to check for my own peace of mind.

"Is this because you're not making proper us of that huge brain of yours?' I asked, trying not to make it sound like she was acting on a whim.

"How can you say that?" She flared, and I found my own temper rising too.

I was doing what I could, asking what I had to ask, that's all. Many women in my position would be shouting by now. True, some of them might be shouting for happiness, but this was a huge thing to try and understand. It would change our lives entirely, forever. Why would I want that? I was happy, not all the time, but with the kind of work I now did, happiness was a highly valued state of mind, and I was lucky enough to be able to reach it, at the Hall, and home, here at Keepers. I'd be forced into the background. Ignored.

"Keep your hat on, and make me a drink. I'll put the bloody collar on you if you speak to me like that again." I said, firmly.

This was where years of taking shit in Holloway, and learning how to roll with it and bounce back, came in. 'Thank you Steve. You taught me how to be strong, ' I thought. It was my 'in charge' voice and Em would now know that I meant business. I didn't pull it often, didn't need to; usually Em was in charge, especially here at Keepers, and that was how I liked it.