My second cousin - Bradley Scouries - from the California branch of the family, a successful entrepreneur and computer company owner, was in Florida last week with his pretty little daughter Melissa who was on Spring Break, and over a few drinks in the outdoor terrace of a famous Lincoln Road eatery, he told me the following story.
Tuesday, September 5th 2007, 10:49 a.m., San Francisco, California
"You better watch this boss," my secretary Patricia instructed as she walked across my office to the cabinet that held a large screen, flat panel TV.
"What?" I asked as I looked up from the proposal I'd been examining.
"It's also on the Internet ... the news outlets ... youtube ... I think even youporn ... I just got a call from Joyce in our PR department."
"And the subject is?" I asked as I watched the TV screen flicker into life.
"The Scouries families courageous efforts to save the environment," Patty said with a little chuckle and the raising of her eyebrows.
"She is no longer a Scouries," I grumbled, immediately knowing my ex had to be up to another of her hair brained schemes. "I divorced the lunatic eleven years ago."
"Oh I'm not talking about mommy," she answered, then paused before adding, "It's young Miss Scouries who's in the news today."
"Miss Scouries? You mean Melissa?" Patty nodded. "But what could she be doing? She's at school," I said as I watched the scene unfolding on the screen.
"What the fu-" I spat out, my eyes and mouth suddenly open in shock.
"The video was shot down the coast ... past Carmel ... right on the ocean ... on some land abutting the State Park."
"She's nude?" I asked as I watched the screen. Seven people, three girls and four men, were jabbering away up into a boom microphone that was being held in front of them. And although certain parts of their bodies were digitally scrambled to prevent breaking who knows how many FCC rules, it was obvious that all of them were naked. Paddy nodded.
"My daughter's camped out nude in a tree? To protect the forest?"
"Yes sir. That interview was taped earlier. Then they all separated and went to their own tree."
"Their own tree?"
"Your daughter's now up in the SCOURIES TREE sir, or that's what the big sign at its base proclaims anyway," Patty added as I watched the figures on the screen disperse. My secretary was clearly having way too much fun telling me the story. I looked up and scowled at her.
"Didn't we just mail her tuition check this week?" I barked out as the camera trailed after my eighteen year old daughter as she wandered through the woods until she came to a tree. A tree which had a four foot by six foot sign attached to it which announced in big letters, 'THE SCOURIES TREE', and then below that in smaller letters, 'Please Help Us Save the Forest', and below that, 'THE GREEN COALITION'. The lens of the camera followed my innocent little girl as she mounted a rope ladder and started to climb upwards.
"Yes sir. And unfortunately sir many of those same shots are on the Internet and they aren't exactly censored in the same way."
"For something like eighteen thousand bucks?" I asked as I remembered the check I'd signed just the other day. I was starting to get really pissed off. I watched as Samantha disappeared up into the leafy foliage.
"To Dartmouth University which just happens to be in state of New Hampshire if I'm not mistaken."
"Then what the hell is she doing seventy feet up a goddam tree, bare ass naked in Northern California?"
"Maybe its one of those team building programs all these Colleges seem to be sending all their students on these days," my secretary offered.
"She's alone up the tree isn't she? What kind of goddam team can you build if you're sitting alone on a branch of a tree?" I demanded in my most sarcastic voice.
"Maybe its part of a business course, they could be studying branch management," my secretary suggested with a grin. This change in our typical workday routine was something she was truly enjoying.
"Could you please get my ex on the phone Miss Summers," I ordered.
"I'll do my best boss," she answered with still a trace of a smile on her lips.
"And..." I started but then the import of her previous words about the Internet finally struck me. "You mean those videos are on the Internet uncut?" I asked, remembering the view the camera had of my girl's naked little butt as she climbed the ladder.
"Have you seen them?"
"Yes sir ... would you like me to bring it up on your screen?"
"No I do not want you to bring them up on the screen," I said emphatically. But as I waited for Patty to get hold of my ex my fingers danced across the keyboard in front of me, taking just seconds to find a site with the offending video. On this site alone it already had 134,916 registered views, a 5 star rating and more than a 700 comments blogged in.
And unfortunately my daughter happened to be the most photogenic of the group of tree huggers the media had already labeled THE SEQUOIA SEVEN. So of course the camera panned quickly across the fat broad and the scrawny brunette with hardly a pause as it sought out her youthful charms. The four men, led by a bearded guy I thought I recognized, were almost completely ignored.
"Mrs. Scouries is on the phone now sir," Patty announced from the door. My eyes were locked on the screen in front of me.
"That's no longer her name," I growled, then asked my secretary, "When did Melissa grow tits?" I hardly recognized this stunning girl on the screen.
"I think it started maybe five or six years ago boss ... you know ... puberty and all that," she answered as she walked behind me and looked over my shoulder.
"But ... but they seem ... sorta full grown," I stammered as I looked at the full, round, firm breasts that had led my daughter through the forest.
"She's eighteen boss."
"She didn't get a breast job did she?' I asked even as I knew with absolute certainty these were god given, one hundred per cent, natural grown specimens. These guys moved exactly like they were supposed to.
"Of course she hasn't had implants," Patty responded as she gave me a dirty look, but then started to laugh.
"What?" I demanded.
"At least we're lucky she's not one of those modern girls who shave every hair down below."
"But she certainly trims it," I grumbled as my eyes latched onto the triangle of thick, curly pubic hair growing between Melissa's long, sculpted thighs.
"After you finish with Mrs. Scouries I think we better sit down and decide what to do about the media sir. Shall I get Joyce and her boss up her?"
"Why?" I asked even though I knew.
"I'm afraid you're name has already been linked to the SEQUOIA SEVEN sir. Your daughter seems to have captured the bulk of the attention so far and a lot of bloggers are already speculating that this group is sponsored by ScouriesComputersInc. I've had calls from all the local papers, the TV stations ... even CNN."
"Fuck!" You better get Graham and Sue from Marketing too. And some of their team. In the conference room in ten minutes," I ordered as I punched the button on my phone.
"Is this one of your brilliant ideas?" I demanded down the line to my ex.
"Doesn't it make you just so proud?" the excited voice of Celeste Moon, the ex Mrs. Scouries asked me. "To see our little girl fighting for the future of our planet."
"Yes Ms. Moon, it really makes my day to see my innocent little daughter prancing around nude on every TV and computer in the country," I said sarcastically, my voice rising louder with each word.
"We always agreed Brad that she shouldn't be ashamed of her body," my ex, a born again hippie, a girl who'd been raised on a commune, and who, after four years at Harvard and then seven married to me and living in San Francisco, had retired to the commune she'd been raised on with my daughter.
"That doesn't mean she had to become the naked poster girl for wacky eco terrorists," I said softly and clearly, knowing it was pointless to get angry with Celeste. "Was it your idea? She was supposed to be at Dartmouth this week."
"I was as surprised as you. She and David Osborne told me this morning. The whole group was here-"
"David fucking Osborne," I yelled down the line, finally realizing who the bearded leader of the group was. "I knew I recognized that prick..."
"He graduated from Cal Berkley last May ... then he brought a group from school back with him ... they're all environmentalists," my ex told me. "Melissa's been hanging out with them a lot this summer."
"He's a little jerk, always was," I said as I remembered the little brat who used to run wild around the commune fifteen years earlier when I still used to visit it. And then a truly revolting thought hit me. "Is he fucking Melissa?" I demanded as disgusting visions of my virginal daughter being ravaged by this ugly, bearded hippy flooded into my mind. As I talked I clicked through various Internet sites until I found a picture of David from the press conference in the woods.
"I don't think so," my ex said unconvincingly.
"The guy's got a tiny little dick ... god, it almost looks deformed ... why would she want to sleep with him?" I demanded.
"Size isn't everything Brad ... just because you're built like a-"
"If he's put his cock in Mel I'll fucking cut it off and then hang it from his bloody tree," I promised.
.... There is more of this story ...