You'll never believe what happened to me today. I was outside of the drug store and headed towards my car, when a large scruffy tabby cat suddenly appeared in front of me and said, "You should have gotten more condoms, you're not going to want to go out later, and you know one box won't last the whole night."
I looked down at the plastic bag I held in my hand. Not even thinking I replied, "You're probably right. I should have gotten two boxes." I turned around and was on my way back into the store when I realized what had just happened. Did I just have a conversation with a cat? How could he have known about the condoms? I don't ever remember telling a cat about my sex life
I turned around and the cat was right behind me, in fact, I almost tripped over him. Oddly, he smelled like my boyfriend Allen. The strange feline rubbed up against my leg and purred. "You didn't have to tell me about your sex life, I already knew."
"How could you?" I asked, somewhat confused.
The cat just laughed and changed colors, "Because I can read your mind," he purred.
Curious, I leaned down and picked up this precarious animal. I held him in front on my face and looked him in the eye. Was this cat actually talking or am I hearing voices in my head?
Suddenly the cat's fur erupted in brilliant display of pulsing colors and I dropped him. Startled by the flashing blue, green, pink stripes, and yellow paisley colors dancing all over this cat, I ran to my car, fumbled for my keys, opened the door, and slid behind the wheel. The cat suddenly appeared in the passenger seat, much larger than before, and this time lavender, with black and white spots.
He threw a box of condoms at me and said, "don't be silly, cover that willy."
I thanked him and started covertly pinching my thigh. "Why do you keep changing colors?" I asked.
"Every time someone in the world mentions one of my ancestors my fur changes color, and you can stop that. You're not dreaming. If you try to wake yourself up when you're not dreaming, you'll just look stupid."
This fucking cat was actually reading my mind and continually changing colors about every thirty seconds.
I tried to clear my mind of incriminating thoughts. "Who are you and what do you want from me?"
He told me his name was Rich; he was born in Sicily, and then later moved to Savannah, Georgia when he was fourteen. He said he was born as my soul mate, the man of my dreams and that we were to meet, get married and live happily ever after in storybook fashion.
However, all that changed because of one little thing, cigarettes. As he got deeper into his story, I learned that about five years after he started smoking, God appeared to him and told him that there was a limit.
God said that once Rich smoked 24,500 cigarettes, he would loose the chance to be with his soul mate and be transformed into a cat with magical powers gathered from the nicotine feigns throughout history. His punishment for smoking all those cigarettes would be that he would never be able to change himself back into a human. To make matters worse, he would still be attracted to human women in his cat form, yet never be able to participate in intercourse with any of them, except those of course those who wanted to have sex with cats, and who would want to be with those types of women anyway?
Rich was at 24,498 cigarettes when God told him all this. There just wasn't enough time and Rich was unable to stop. So here he sits, a multicolored feline, who can read peoples minds, and who happens to be extremely sexually frustrated.
He began to change into a sort of sea foam green color when I asked who his ancestors were and why people keep talking about them. Rich said that some of his ancestors included: Aristotle, Jerry Garcia (hence the psychedelic colors), Plato, Julius Caesar, Hitler, Thomas Jefferson, Wyatt Earp, Napoleon, Galileo, John Belushi, Cleopatra, Babe Ruth, John Lennon, Mother Teresa, Howard Hughes, Buddy Holly, King Tut, George Harrison, Woody Guthrie, the late Steve Erwin, and God himself.
"What about Einstein?" I asked.
"Einstein was questionable."
"Wouldn't it be easier to say you have all the powers of God?"