January 14 2008: A news report comes on the television.
News anchor: Hello and welcome to Channel 9 News. I'm Randy Deville and here are our top stories: Scientists were baffled today when Jupiter apparently teleported 250 quadrillion miles along its orbit yesterday evening. Our reporter Sandy Underwood is in Chicago at the 'College Of Constellationary Kinetics' to find out more about this strange phenomenon.
Sandy: Yes thank you Randy, It was around 9:45 yesterday evening when astrologers around the world reported that Jupiter appeared to vanish from the sky. However NASA scientists managed to relocate the planet around an hour later some four years ahead of its orbit. I am joined by Dr Clarence Acula, the head of the Jupiter wing of the Chicago 'College of Constellationary Kinetics'; Doctor, has anyone yet managed to explain how such an extraordinary event could occur?
Dr Acula: No they haven't. To our knowledge this is the first time in universal history that any heavenly body has travelled from one point in space to another instantaneously. This is a very worrying time for scientists as what has happened is completely impossible.
Sandy: Some scientists have suggested that Jupiter may have fallen into a miniature black hole or some similar space phenomenon, what do you say to this?
Dr Acula: I say that the future of science is in dire trouble if seemingly educated people are claiming such preposterous possibilities. Black holes destroy whole galaxies, annihilating all in their path. They do not act as chauffeurs for impatient planets that fancy a day trip to the other side of the Solar System. I am afraid there is no answer to this phenomenon and I only hope it is a one off freak occurrence as it could have disastrous consequences on the future of our solar system and all life as we know it if planets just up and move like this.
Sandy: Thank you very much Doctor. Randy, back to you in the studio.
Randy: Thank you Sandy. With me now in the studio is Cosmic Clive, Astrologist for the Ghetto Gazette. Clive, what effect is this event going to have from an astrological viewpoint?
Clive: Well Randy, this is going to have a huge impact on our daily lives. Jupiter was due to have a very active role in 2008, especially in regards to love life, so this sudden shift in position will mean a whole new outlook for 2008 with all star signs.
Randy: Is it possible to tell the nature of how things will be different. Clive: It's a little too soon to be sure to be honest Randy. As I mentioned, Jupiter's main influence for 2008 was to be in relation to love and sex. However it will take a little while to determine whether this new position will give Jupiter more or less bearing over the coming year. We could therefore be seeing either an unexpectedly barren year for romance, or conversely the greatest opportunity for love some of us may get in our lifetime; it's just a little early to tell right now.
Randy: Thank you Clive. In other news, Gary Kasparov today cried foul when he was beaten at chess by a highly trained Rhesus monkey. Mr. Kasparov...
The television screen went blank, the sound of the news replaced by one of mysterious and maniacal laughter.
Sinister Stranger: Bwa Ha Ha, Bwa Ha Ha. IT works! It works! Everything is falling into place.
March 14th 2008, 1:59pm:
Two mysterious hands held a copy of the Ghetto Gazette as their owner read the front page News story:
POLE STAR DISAPEARS Boy scouts everywhere unable to find way home.
Two months after the Jupiter teleportation mystery, astronomers were again in a state of shock when Polaris disappeared out of the night sky. Experts say that the nature of the disappearance was similar to the way that Jupiter had vanished previously but as yet, intense sky searches have not managed to locate the star's new position if indeed it has one.
The owner of the mysterious hands cackled to himself:
"Soon! Soon all shall be complete. With Jupiter out of the way, I can control how the Earth loves and now I have thwarted Polaris, society will only have me to guide them! Mwa Ha Ha! ... There is just one more thing that needs to be done..."
June 7th 2008, 9:10am:
A sinister mop of blond hair stared at the news site's headline:
SCIENTISTS FINALLY FIND THE CLITORIS! (AND SHOW OFF THEIR 2 BILLION MILE LONG DICK.)
In the latest and most bizarre yet of the recent changes in the night sky, astronomers discovered two new constellations in the night sky. Located in between the Scorpio and Libra constellations, the new star groups bear an uncanny resemblance to the human sex organs. Clearly visible to the naked eye, millions of people have taken to star gazing in order to view the new phenomena and there cannot be any doubt; Scorpio has a giant cock pointed at Libra's vagina. Preliminary results have also suggested that there is a small group of bright stars within the vagina which form a shape almost like that of a clitoris. However none of the scientists working on the case have the sufficient expertise to confirm or deny this theory.
On the zodiac side of things, the astrological significance of these new signs is being strongly debated by horoscope readers the world over. Astrologists the world over are torn over whether these new star positions will have a greater affect on peoples' luck or their love life. Septic Sally, astrologer for the UK tabloid: 'The Moon' said: "These new signs could have much or little effect on our daily lives."
The blond mop cackled a familiar cackle before turning away from his computer screen. Facing him now was a giant super computer and four bound and gagged, naked girls. Each girl represented one of the four basic hair colours: blonde, brunette, redhead and bright pink.
Now I expect you are all wondering why I brought you all here." He announced in a supervillainlike tone. "Well in order for you to truly understand what fate awaits you I have prepared a PowerPoint presentation."
With that the man pushed a button in his hand and a giant picture of the Solar System was projected onto the wall behind him. Pasted over the top of this picture in brightly coloured Word Art was the title: 'My over elaborate plot to make 1/12th of the world's women desperate to fuck me.' By Edward Case.
What followed was a 45minute long presentation involving algebraic equations, long words and many many diagrams that basically explained how he had built a machine that was able to move the stars and planets themselves. Thus, using carefully calculated horiscopal science, he had managed to create a star map which would mean that all Libran women would from now on be completely besotted with Scorpio males to the point of actually begging them for sex if that's what it took. The presentation also went on to explain that this phase of Scorpio and Libra's lifestyle would last exactly one hundred years and that all that was now required for this new destiny to begin was for Polaris to be positioned in the centre of the clitoris cluster within the vagina constellation. The presentation finished on a page entitled: Potential Issues, which listed variables such as:
Effect on other ten star signs as well as male Libra and female Scorpio unknown. No way of protecting against being seduced by the ugly or obese. Jessica Alba is not a Libra. Medical science may make it possible for me to be sexually active for more than the next hundred years. Effect on transsexuals unknown. Girls will be more likely to want to try the devil's threesome over the good kind.