Now, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, but I was smart enough to figure out when Doris, that bitch ex-wife of mine, started givin' my pussy to somebody else. I caught her red handed with a dick in her mouth that was attached to the guy that used to be my best friend. I busted his jaw and threw her cheatin' ass to the gutter with the rest of the trash. Now I'm stuck spendin' a whole week of my vacation time so I can get the divorce over.
This little project is takin' longer than I expected, but you know, I reckon if I keep at it, I'll be done by sundown tomorrow. So I headed out to the garage to get back to work just as George, my neighbor, poked his head through the door.
"What's happenin' Fred?"
"Hey George, long time no see. How's it hangin'?"
"Not bad. Hey, I just wanted to drop by and tell you how sorry me and Marge are about the divorce and all. It's a damn shame what that woman did to you."
"Ah, don't sweat it George, it ain't that bad. I got to keep my truck and my tools, that's all that really mattered."
"What about the house, if you don't mind me askin'?"
"Yeah, I got that too. It belonged to my folks and I inherited that before I got stupid and married that crazy old cow. Hey, you want a beer? I was just about to pop a top myself."
"Sure, if you got a spare."
"Hell yeah, I got plenty now that ol' bitch ain't here to drink it all with that dickhead she was screwin'."
I wandered over to the beer fridge and got out a couple of cold ones. I really was startin' to enjoy havin' somebody to shoot the shit with.
"I almost hate to ask but what the hell is all this stuff?" George asked with concern.
"Oh, this? I'm just dividin' all the crap we own."
"I thought for a minute you were movin' out or somethin'."
"Nah, I'm like an ol' tick. Once I get dug in you got to burn me out. Shoot, I figure I'll probably die of old age right out here in the garage drinkin' a cold one."
"That don't sound like too bad a way to go. But anyways, what you gonna do with all this stuff?"
"That there paper the judge give me says I got to give the goofy cunt half. I had to give the slut half of my money, which I already did, now when I get done with this mess; the divorce will be final."
"That's kinda sad, you know, you two married for all them years. What was it, twenty or so?"
"Twenty two years, yep. Twenty-one and three quarters of the worst goddamn years of my life, I'm tellin' you George, that woman could make a circus parade seem like a funeral procession," I let out with a sigh, "And if that wasn't bad enough, there's the little matter of Dixon. Now that part really rubs me the wrong way."
"Isn't Dixon your best friend?"
"Ex-best friend," I huffed.
"Yeah, Ex. No friend of mine woulda screwed me over like that cocksucker did. The son of a bitch had the nerve to drink my last goddamn beer while he shoved his dick into that whore wife of mine. Well, I fixed his fuckin' wagon good."
"What'd ya you?"
"I knocked up his old lady."
"Ha! You didn't?'