Chapter 4

After completing My story, I looked into her eyes and said to her " I'm sorry lilone. I'm truly sorry but I felt you had to know the truth about it all" she looked into My eyes and I could see the shock and her trying to absorb everything I told her... I really didnt know what she was thinking or feeling but I knew I had hurt her and probably damaged what little trust she had seen in Me.

Minutes which seemed like hours past and she looked into My eyes and took a deep breath and chose her words carefully to Me and started to speak...

" Sir, i won't pretend that You do not frighten me. in fact, after hearing Your story i am terrified of You to a large degree. however, i also see something else in You which i have never seen in any other Man i have known in my life... that is remorse... no Man i've known as ever shown that. truthfully, what i'm afraid of most is that if You feel threatened by me if i stay here, You will lash out if You feel i am going to hurt You. Sir i mean You know disrespect as You have shown me nothing but kindness but i feel its important for me to lay my cards on the table with You. i have taken enough of abusive Men in my life and i can't take being hurt anymore. forgive this girl for appearing ungrateful Sir but this needed to be said"

As I listened to her, I knew that she had good reason to fear Me. My whole life had been full of abuse and I was not only abused Myself but also an abuser which in her eyes made Me dangerous regardless of My justification for it. I then spoke to her again.

"lilone, as I said before I understand about pain and as you have heard, I have also given pain but what you do not know is that I have also changed... you do not know Me, and until I prove Myself to you, I do understand your reluctance to stay with Me. All I will do is make you a solemn vow that I will never touch you physically or any other way ever unless you give Me permission... that is no longer My way."

she looked into My eyes and with a slight smile said to Me " Sir, i believe You truly mean what You say but based on Your past how can I be sure it won't happen again?"

I looked into her eyes and took a deep breath and chose My words carefully... not because I was upset with her but because I knew in My heart I meant every word I was about to say" lilone, I won't get into this with you right now but one day I may. I have told you the bad part of Me but have not told you what turned Me around. Perhaps one day I will. What I do know is that I now live with the fact I killed a woman who loved Me and that I didn't appreciate... I will never lift a hand to A/anyone ever again."

with a soft sigh I saw her body relax... she knew she was safe but she also looked troubled and I could see that whatever it was it was burdening her. she spoke replied to Me in a quiet whisper." Sir, thank You for Your reassurance. it is much appreciated and since You appear to be sincere, I will accept Your offer for now on the condition that if I feel unsafe here, You keep Your promise and allow me to leave if i feel the need to. if that is acceptable to You then i accept Your gracious offer but before i do, You must here me out please and once You do and can accept my terms... i will accept Your offer... excuse this girl's bluntness as no disrespect was intended"

Looking into her eyes I smiled knowing that she was not used to talking so boldly without getting hit by whoever had abused her... I saw it in her eyes as she was trying to be honest with Me... Afraid I would slap her for her bluntness. However, that was far from the truth... it never occured to Me to hit her because the more W/we spoke the more I felt the need to protect her... Needed to protect her even if it meant giving My own life to do so. Why was this happening to Me? I don't get it. I haven't wanted to protect A/anyone not since Rachel and look what I did to her. However this was not Rachel nor would I ever see Rachel again and it was because of My violence that I lost Rachel forever. As I looked into this womans eyes... a woman who was not Rachel. Rachel wouldnt have had the courage to stand up to Me as this woman did. I knew right then and there I could keep My promise to her and would do so no matter what the cost. I looked into her eyes and said these words" lilone, I accept your terms... I appreciate your honesty and I swear to you I will never lift My hand to you or A/anyone else in violence again. I also want you to know that it truly doesn't matter to Me what is in your past. you have heard about My past and accepted Me and no matter what you tell Me today here and now... nothing can or will change My feelings for you."

I looked into her eyes... I saw relief for the most part but also saw she was still unsure about whether I would be true to My word and she then took a deep breath and spoke these words to Me. " Sir, thank You. however, I want You to hear what I have to say first and then tell me You feel the same way. Sir, tonight when You saw Me outside the bar, I was running from a man. The man was my boyfriend who i have been with for the past 5 years. He is abusive. However He wasnt always like that Sir. when I first met Him He was kind and gentle to me... it had been a long time in my life that someone had been kind to me except for You now today Sir. Sir, i grew up in an abusive home much like Yours except I was an only child. my mother was a very sick woman most of her life and after having me, she apparently got sicker. at least thats what my father always told me. my father appeared to hate me from the day i was born and while growing up never had a nice thing to say to me except for when i got older. as i became a teenager and my body changed, my father began to look at me differently. i developed early so it was very apparent that my body had an affect on him.

Sir, everyday i would come home from school and he would be sitting in front of the tv set drinking and always insisted on me sitting on his lap from the time my body started to develope. i tried to refuse but he insisted and if i refused, i was beaten severely. at first he would fondle me and as time went by the fondling got worse and eventually i was forced to masturbate him. During this time, my mother got sicker and sicker and about 2 weeks after my 14th birthday, my mother passed away. With my mother gone, he was more open about things and eventually he started to demand that i satisfy him sexually... no intercourse at this point but i knew that one day it would happen soon enough and if i refused... he may just as soon kill me... truthfully Sir... i wish he had sometimes.

Sir, as i continued to satisfy him sexually, i had to turn all my emotions off... the day of my 15th birthday, he had a special present for me. he raped me. took my virginity away and i then realized that no matter what i would never be good to A/anyone... after all who wants used merchandise right Sir? Sir after the rape, he never touched me again sexually... it was like i had some sort of disease and truthfully, i was grateful and a large part of me wished i had such a disease that would kill him. i hated him but knew that at 15, i had nowhere to go and so i stayed. it was not long after, i discovered i was pregnant. pregnant with his child.