I have never been accused of being a nice guy which didn't bother me at all because I wasn't. I was an asshole and I knew it, but even though I was an asshole what happened wouldn't have if I hadn't disliked Tony so much and if he hadn't pissed me off just one time too many.
Tony was my supervisor at work. He was one of those dick-wads that climb the ladder by taking credit for work that someone else did and by slipping a knife in the back of anyone he thought of as competition. Tony did it all with a smile and pretended he liked you and that you were his buddy even as he was picking out the spot where he would bury the knife. In short, Tony was an asshole. But not like me. Tony was the worst kind of asshole — he hid it and pretended he wasn't one. I, on the other hand, didn't hide it at all.
Being an asshole doesn't mean that you treat everyone like dirt. I have friends, people I like, and I don't expose my asshole side to them, but if I don't like you or you fuck over me or piss me off you always know where I'm going to come from. Which brings me back to Tony. Tony fit all three of those categories: I didn't like him, he pissed me off and he fucked over me. I know, I know, they are all the same thing right? You fuck over me so it will piss me off and then I won't like you? Not necessarily so. Some people have pissed me off, but I haven't stopped liking them and some people I don't like have never pissed me off or fucked over me so I do make distinctions.
Anyway, back to Tony. Twice he took credit for my work and once he took my name off of a proposal I submitted and put his own name on it. He got a big bonus when the proposal was put in play and worked out great and then he had the gall to give me a poor evaluation on my yearly performance review. No, Tony was an absolute fuck-wad and I would get him. That is the code of the asshole — "You will get even and you will make it hurt!"
Tony knew that I would lie for him and so he watched his back at work. I'll give him credit, he was good and he never gave me an opening, but I was a patient guy and I knew that in time I'd get him.
The idea came to me at the company picnic. Tony was there with his new bride of seven months and she was a beauty. Tony was so proud of himself for landing a dish like her that he beamed. He hovered over her to protect her like the treasure I'm sure she was and the more I watched the two of them the more I decided that getting even with Tony was going to take the form of making him a cuckold. I was going to fuck his new bride! It would take some time, planning and some luck, but I was going to spread her lovely long legs and camp between them and then, the Gods willing and the planets in the proper alignment, I was going to get her pregnant. Then I would sir back and let Tony raise my kid.
I sat down and laid out a plan that should work. I would make it happen at the company Christmas party and that gave me four and a half months to set it up. The first step was to get to know Tony's wife Angela and then get to be friends with her without attracting Tony's attention. I set out to learn everything I could about Angela to find something I could use in getting to her. I found several. Angela hit the gym three times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and almost always around one in the afternoon. She belonged to the Library Literary Society, which met every Tuesday at seven at the local library, and she ran fives miles everyday except for her gym days. I could use all of it.
I kept myself in pretty good shape. I didn't visit a gym, but I had a Bow Flex in my basement that I used religiously and I ran almost every day of the week. The Literary Society would be a stretch for me since I pretty much limited my reading to job related materials and the comic section of the Sunday newspaper. But I could force myself to go to Society meeting and sit in the back and just listen. The idea wasn't to try and impress Angela, just get her used to seeing me around.
The first step was to join the gym where she worked out. I rescheduled my lunch hour so I could be at the gym when she was. I made no attempt to get to know her, but I made sure that whatever machine she used I would be on one where she had to see me. After three weeks of letting her see me at the gym I attended my first meeting of the Literary Society. There was a social hour after the meeting; coffee, tea and cookies and a chance to speak with the guest speaker of the evening. I was off to the side of the room sipping coffee and munching on a cookie when Angela came up to me.
"Excuse me. I'm not usually this forward, but don't I know you?"
"I don't think so. I think we have seen each other around, but I know we've never met. No way I could ever forget meeting you."
She blushed as a way of accepting the compliment and I went on, "I've seen you at the gym when I've gone there to work out and I've seen you a couple of times during my morning run."
"This is the first time I've seen you here."
"That's because this is my first time."
"What did you think of tonight's speaker?"
"I didn't understand a word he said."
Angela gave me a confused look and I laughed and said, "I'm here under false pretenses. There's this girl I'm trying to get something going with and she thinks I'm a dolt. The other day she said, and I quote, "Honestly Rob, it wouldn't hurt you to read a book once in a while." I was in the library checking out a book and I saw the notice of tonight's meeting. I thought I'd stop in and see if I could absorb some 'couth." I suppose if I'd read his book before coming his talk would have made more sense to me."
And that's how my relationship with Angela started. At the gym if I was there first she would join me or if she was there first I would join her and we would exercise together while discussing the next meeting of the Literary Society. Soon we were sitting together at the Society meetings and then one night she asked me to run with her in the mornings.
"I don't like running alone if I don't have to. I know you; I'm comfortable around you so since we are both out there anyway would you run with me? We can pace each other."
Naturally I said yes. I kept it all on a friendly basis. I made no passes at Angela and in fact, I spent a lot of time discussing my non-existent girlfriend seeking Angela's input on what I should do next in my pursuit of the imaginary Stephanie.
We were two months from December and the company Christmas party when Angela gave me the opening I'd been waiting for. It was a Wednesday and we were at the gym. She seemed out of sorts and I asked:
"What's wrong? You seem down for some reason."
"It's my husband. He spends so much time at work that I feel neglected, but he is so damned jealous that if I try to make friends he gets stupid on me."
"What does he do?"
"He's the Marketing Manager at XYZ Corporation."
She saw my face change and I moved just a little away from her. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"You are Tony's wife?"
"What? You know Tony?"
"I work at XYZ. Tony is my boss." I looked at my watch, "Got to go, time to get back to work."
I know my abrupt departure got her attention and made her curious as to why. I skipped going to the gym on Friday and Monday and I made sure I was late to the Society meeting on Tuesday so I could sit in the back. My intention was to make it look like I was avoiding her. When the meeting was over I kept an eye on Angela and as soon as she noticed me I made as if I was going to take off without staying for the social hour. I made sure that my getaway was just slow enough to allow her to get to me before I could get out the door.
"I didn't see you come in."
"I got here late."
"I saved the seat next to me for you."
I just shrugged my shoulders and looked like I wanted to get away from her.
"What's wrong Rob. It seems like you are avoiding me ever since you found out that Tony is my husband."
Again I just shrugged and looked like I wanted to run.
"You are, aren't you? You are avoiding me because of Tony. Why?"
I looked at my watch and said, "I have to go. I'm supposed to meet Stephanie in half an hour."
"She's only fifteen minutes away. That means you can spare me ten minutes to tell me what is going on here."
She had a hand on my arm and I moved to go, but she held on. "No Rob, I want to know."
"Okay, all right. I don't like your husband. He is a lying asshole and I can't stand his ass."
"So what does that have to do with me?"
"You are his wife."
"And that means we can't be friends? Since when does my husband get to determine who I like and don't like?"
"It is just that it is awkward."
"We don't get along now so how is it going to be now that he knows that you and I are friends?"
"So why does he need to know?"
"You mean he doesn't?"
"How would he?"
"I thought that after I mentioned I worked for him you would go home and say, "Guess what I learned today" and tell him about me. I've spent the last couple of days waiting for him to do something shitty to me."
"No way I'd tell him. As insanely jealous as he is, just knowing I was talking to another man on a regular basis would drive him nuts and he would bug the hell out of me to avoid you. He'd try and get me to quit the gym, the Literary Society and he would probably even try to get me to stop running. He gets that way with any man I meet and talk to so I've learned not to tell him."
I had been counting on that. All I had to do now was cement the friendship and make it grow until the Christmas party.
It was a Tuesday and we were sipping coffee following the Literary Society meeting when I said:
"How do you feel about deliberately tweaking your husbands nose at the company Christmas party?"
"What do you mean?"
"Custom has everyone from the department sitting at the same table and custom also has the single men, that's me, dancing at least one dance with every woman at the table. There is also a tradition that if a couple is under the mistletoe when the music stops you have to kiss your dancing partner. I want to arrange it so that you and I are under the mistletoe when the music stops. How would you feel about that?"
"First off, how are you going to manage the dance? You aren't a single man, you'll have Stephanie with you."
"Not since last Tuesday."
"Why? What happened?"
"She told me that she had met someone more 'in tune' with her."
"Oh you poor guy. She couldn't have waited until after the holidays?"
"Guess not, but it's no biggie. We didn't have a future anyway."
"Why not? I thought from the way you talked about her that you thought the world of her."
"I did, but I'm not stupid. She was constantly trying to change me into something that she wanted, but that I didn't want to be. Marriage would have been hell for both of us. What I need to find is a woman more like you."
I saw her stiffen just a tad and her body language told me she was pulling back so I said:
"Whoa up, don't panic on me here. I didn't say you; I said some one like you. Someone I can be myself with, someone I don't have to put on airs for. You're safe, I promise."
"Just how safe can I be when you are plotting to get me under the mistletoe?"
"Plotting would be to do it and surprise you. I'm asking ahead of time so you can tell me to go to hell if you want to."
"Why would I let you do it? You don't like Tony and you want to kiss me to piss him off, but why would I want to go along with it?"
Angela was a beautiful and sexy woman and beautiful sexy women know what they have and they are used to the attention they get. In fact, most of them are so used to it that they notice when they don't get it. When some guy ignores them they ask themselves why. They wonder what is wrong with him. They ask themselves what it is about them that is putting the guy off. They aren't necessarily interested in him, it is just that something isn't quite the way they think it should be and they are aware of it. This is what I had been trying to accomplish with my behavior toward Angela. No passes, no flirting, just a friend not interested in her. And it was working; I'd seen the way she looked at me when she didn't know I was watching her. Now I was at the point where I needed to make her a little curious.
"I guess this is the time to be honest. This isn't about pissing Tony off, although it probably would and it wouldn't break my heart. Hear me out on this okay? Don't panic and run away on me. I meant what I said when I said you were safe with me. Stephanie and I were doomed the day I met you. Steph was beautiful, sexy, and even though a gentleman shouldn't say things like this, she was absolutely marvelous in bed. But Steph lacked something, something that you had — excuse me — have — in abundance. I don't even know what it is or how to describe it, but you have it and she didn't. Apparently it is something I have to have in the woman I end up with."
I looked down at the floor to see if the level of bullshit was obvious before going on:
"For the last couple of months I have spent as much time with you as I could manage trying to identify that something so I'll know what to look for. The more time I spent with you the more I wondered what it would be like to kiss you. I wondered if what I was trying to find could be felt in a physical way like in a kiss, but there wasn't anyway I could find that out. I enjoy your company and I know that you are happily married and I knew that any attempt on my part to try and kiss you would be met by a right hand to my face and you taking off never to talk to me again. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk not seeing you any more.
"Do you have any idea how rare it is for a guy like me to have a girl friend like you? I don't mean girlfriend in the accepted sense, but as a friend who is a girl? I couldn't risk losing that special relationship. But now it is the holiday season and in ten days the company Christmas party takes place and the mistletoe gives me a legitimate reason to kiss you and get away with it. Except of course you are married to Tony, I don't like Tony, Tony is, by your own admission, insanely jealous and while my kissing you under the mistletoe is socially acceptable it might give you more problems than you want. That is why I am asking you now rather than just going ahead and doing it at the party."
She wasn't laughing in my face and I took that as a good sign; she just looked at me for several seconds before saying:
"I don't know what to say. Talk about surprises. Oh wow Rob, I just don't know what to say. I'll have to think about it."
That was good. I wanted her to think about it. I planted the thought in her head and I wanted it to sit there until the Christmas party.
The subject wasn't brought up at the gym on Wednesday, Friday or the following Monday. Nor was it mentioned when we ran together in the mornings. Tuesday at the Society meeting during the social hour Angela did just what I expected her to do.
"Knowing the situation between you and Tony I don't think I would feel comfortable kissing you in front of him at the party, but if you will walk me to my car after we are done here you can kiss me goodnight, okay?"
I gave her my most sorrowful look and said, "I can't do that Angie, it wouldn't be right. I can do it under the mistletoe because that gives it legitimacy. Kissing another man's wife in a dark parking lot, for whatever reason, just wouldn't be right, but thanks anyway."
That was not what she expected and it was just one more thing to rattle around in her head. I skipped going to the gym Wednesday and I didn't show up to run with her on Thursday. Friday was the day of the party and while I did show up at the gym neither of us mentioned a word about what I knew was on her mind.
The party was held in the ballroom of one of the local hotels and I did what I usually did and got myself a room in the hotel for the night. I didn't want to risk getting caught driving after the party under the influence. I made sure that I got to the party early and I was sitting at the Marketing Departments table when Tony and Angela arrived. She was an absolute vision in her 'little black dress' and high heels and as much as I disliked Tony because he was a dirt bag I disliked him even more for having a woman like Angela, or to be more honest, for having Angela.
It was the moment of truth as far as I was concerned. If they sat at the other end of the table what I had planned would be harder, but it would still work. And then Angela did what I hoped she would. She guided Tony over to the table and then she sat down to my right with Tony on her right. The conversation around the table was general in nature and then we had the meal, which was followed by several speeches, and then the band came into the room and set up.
As soon as the music started I got up from the table and got our waitress off to the side and handed her a fifty-dollar bill. I pointed out Angela and Tony and told her to put their drinks on my tab, keep their glasses full and always make their drinks doubles. She smiled, took the fifty and said, "You got it."