I swear to God, I did not sacrifice a virgin, and I did not sell my soul to the devil.
Considering the fact that I am married — quite happily — to the most awe-inspiring woman you'll ever meet in your lifetime, your children's lifetimes or even your grandchildren's lifetimes, you may wonder what I did to land her.
The answer? Nothing. Zip, zilch, nada.
I was simply sitting on a barstool, a lonely 30-year-old man nursing the wounds of my latest relationship disaster over several mugs of beer and an occasional shot of tequila, when Stella Fontenot walked into my life.
She sat right down on the seat next to me and said, "You look like you could use some company."
I looked over and words failed me.
Now, I've seen a lot of beautiful women — hell, I've even dated a few — but Stella put them all in the shade. I mean, she was Playboy beautiful with a body to match.
She was easily six feet tall, with huge eyes of a mysterious dark color, a flowing mane of wavy jet-black hair, dusky skin that was absolutely perfect, lips that looked like they could suck a lemon through a garden hose and more curves than a mountain highway.
This woman had tits that hung just right on her chest, plump mounds with a tight pair of nipples that even a Wonderbra couldn't hide.
The thing was, she wasn't exactly flaunting any of this. She had on enough makeup to look like she knew what she was doing, but not so much that she looked cheap, and she was dressed in jeans and modest blouse that were snug, but not tight, and they weren't especially revealing...
Nevertheless, just the sight of her set my cock to throbbing, even though at the time, I thought I had no chance of even getting to first base with this goddess.
You see, I am not most women's definition of studly.
For one thing, there's my name. Norman. Not Norm, Norman,
Now what's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Norman. That's right; you think of a nerd, with tape on their horn-rimmed glasses, white short-sleeved shirts with pocket protectors and all the sex appeal of a dead fish.
Never mind that I was at the time a cameraman for a local TV station, a job that has a fair amount of cachet, and that I am fairly well built in spite of my short stature (I'm 5-feet-7). I'm Norman, I'm smaller than average and, yes, I wear glasses (though not the horn-rimmed variety).
But Stella sat down next to me and started chatting me up like we were old friends.
And, heaven knows, I needed a friend right about then. I had just broken up with yet another girlfriend — check that, she'd just broken up with me. There is a difference.
I didn't have that big a problem hooking up with women, but I had a problem keeping them. I'm not sure why.
Oh, there have been some who had such emotional baggage that I ended up running screaming in the other direction. But others, women I thought I had good relationships with, would dump me, or cheat on me, then rub my nose in their deceit.
This last one had left me with the parting shot that I was boring. Boring? Me? A guy who's met rock stars and pro athletes, who's seen hotel fires and train wrecks, who's often summoned in the middle of the night to shoot storm damage?
I guess maybe it was because I prefer sitting at my apartment listening to music or watching TV to going out partying every night. My dad was like that, and I remember my mom worrying and sitting up until all hours of the night to see if he would pour himself home.
That was until the night when he didn't come home, and we were called to the county jail to learn that he'd been arrested for vehicular homicide after he was involved in a fatal car crash when he was driving home drunk. He served 12 years in prison for his crime, during which time Mom divorced him, and when he got out he just sort of drifted away.
Just because I haven't exactly followed in his footsteps doesn't mean I don't occasionally tie one on when the mood strikes me.
But I usually do my drinking — as I was the night I met Stella — at the pub a couple of blocks down the street from my apartment, where I can walk. And when I do go elsewhere, I always ride with someone who's not going to be drinking, or I simply don't drink. Simple as that.
At any rate, I had recently put 30 in my rearview mirror, and I was feeling rejected, with my social life in tatters. What I needed was a miracle. What I got was Stella Fontenot, and she's beyond a miracle.
In no time, we were talking animatedly as we worked on a parade of beers. I learned that she had just moved to the area, and — lo and behold — lived in a small house just five blocks from where I lived.
She was going to be teaching French at the nearby university beginning with the fall semester. That made sense, as I soon learned, because she had grown up with the language as a child in Louisiana.
Her grandmother, in fact, still speaks French, and only uses her limited English when she goes to town, which isn't often any more.
I really am not sure why we clicked, but we did, and by the end of the evening, we were both screaming drunk and laughing insanely at each other's jokes. She may have been a Playboy beauty, but she had a buoyant personality, a fun-loving spirit and a wicked sense of humor.
She was also quite intelligent and well-read, and after a few minutes of commiserating with me over the breakup with my girlfriend, we discussed all manner of world events, as well as the intricacies of baseball and other sports as we watched the Red Sox play the Orioles on the TV that hung in the corner.
After closing time, I made her leave her car parked at the pub and offered to walk her home. We held each other more or less upright as we negotiated the seven blocks to her house.
By the time we got to her front porch, I had managed to sober up some, but not enough that it diminished my boldness.
Stella pulled me to her and gave me a sloppy kiss at her front door.
"I like you," she said. "You're a lossa fun, funny guy."
Then she giggled. Drunk as I was, my cock was showing definite interest, but I knew any attempt to fuck this goddess would end in disaster.
"Look, Stella," I said in a serious tone. "I had a great time tonight. Thanks for helping me out of my funk. I needed that. I'd like to take you out on a real date, if you're willing."
She looked at me with a funny expression, then nodded her head.
"I'd like that," she said. "I'd like that a lot."
She fumbled in her purse for a scrap of paper and a pen, then scribbled some numbers and handed it to me.
"Call me," she said.
Then she bent down again and kissed me on the cheek, before turning and walking to her door. Just before she shut it, she looked back at me and waved.
I think I floated the five blocks back to my apartment. But once inside, I felt the blues coming on me again.
What kind of a schmo did I think I was? Stella Fontenot had a look that screamed uptown. The kind of men I envisioned her dating were older men, men of wealth and prestige, tall men with cocky swaggers.
And the truth is, I was soon to learn that had indeed been the class of man she'd dated most of her adult life, but what I didn't know was that she'd been treated quite badly by a couple of them, especially the last one.
She'd fled that relationship and moved across the country in an attempt to forget about him and to find a new sort of life.
I guess we were just both in the right place at the right time.
I woke up hung over as hell the next morning. I had to work that afternoon and evening, so I puttered around the apartment, drinking tomato juice and popping aspirin, and after a shower, I felt presentable.
I came across Stella's number and I fondled it for several minutes, trying to decide if I had enough nerve to call her up and ask for a date.
Then, I figured, what the hell: nothing ventured, nothing gained. So I called, and was pleasantly surprised to hear her excited response, when I identified myself and asked if she remembered me from last night.
"Of course, I remember you, silly," she said breezily. "How could I forget?"
The gist of the conversation was that she agreed to go out with me after I got off work that night. It would be a late-night date, but after a few years in my job, I had learned where the hot spots are that cater to the true night owls.
To say Stella was stunning when I went to pick her up would be an understatement. She was wearing a clingy dress of a shimmery material, with a purple and black design. Like the night before, though, it wasn't especially revealing, with a skirt that reached her knees and very little scoop in front. She did, however, do her makeup quite exotically, with ruby lipstick.
We had a very nice dinner, and I soon realized to my amazement that Stella was sending out definite signals of interest in me. Clearly, she felt comfortable enough with me to start telling me a little about her past, how she had been a rich man's toy, and how she'd grown to hate being looked at as an object.
"I wouldn't be too hard on them," I said. "You are just about the sexiest, most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and it would be easy to simply look at you that way. Of course, I know better."
And I did. The previous evening, I'd seen the real Stella, the one that let her hair down and could laugh and tell raunchy jokes, then talk intelligently about the war in Iraq. I'd learned that there was a brain, and a pretty good one, underneath those raven tresses.
She also learned a little about my job. She asked me about some of the assignments I'd been on since I'd left college after getting a degree in radio, television and film.
"Have you ever wanted to be in front of the camera, instead of behind it?" she asked.
"Really, no," I said. "I'm not much of a writer, and, as you can see, my appearance isn't exactly telegenic."
"Bullshit," she said. "I happen to think your appearance is just fine. Don't sell yourself short, Norman. You're a good-looking man with a great job who has a lot to offer."
"Yeah, well the hours can be brutal, and the pay isn't great," I said. "But I do get some ancillary benefits from it. I get to meet a lot of very interesting people."
We were both stone sober when I walked Stella to her front door. Our hands were clasped together as we ascended the steps to her porch. Then she turned and fixed me with a disconcerting gaze, seconds before I reached up and pulled her to me.
I felt like I was floating through space as I kissed those fulsome lips and let my tongue joust with hers. There was a hunger there — for both of us — and that's when I began to get the feeling that perhaps I did have a chance.
When we broke apart, panting slightly, she looked at me with real affection.
"When can I see you again?" she said.
"I'm off tomorrow; you want to go to the park, take in a picnic?" I said.
"I'd love to," she said. "About 2 o'clock?"
"Fine with me," I said, with more cool than I actually felt.
It was all I could do to not rush home and pound my peter at the thought of fucking Stella, but I resisted the temptation. It was going to be agony, but I was prepared to go slow, show her I was interested in more than just her body, that I was interested in the person under the skin.
Like I said, though, it was going to be tough, because I was already falling in love with her, although there was a small voice in the back of my head that told me not to get my hopes up, that she had the capability of breaking my heart, like every other woman I'd ever known.
But I couldn't help it. I wanted her like I'd never wanted anyone before, and I figured if she did break my heart, at least I'd die happy.
So we dated like that for about three weeks, then school started and we didn't see quite as much of each other.
Still, we started to spend time at each other's place, and I discovered that she didn't especially like the party lifestyle, either. Sometimes, we'd go out to dinner, and maybe have a drink, but most times, we'd eat in and watch a movie or a ball game on TV.
We'd make out a little bit, but that's as far as it went. Like I said, she'd been done badly by her previous boyfriend, and she was a little gun-shy about sex. She said she wanted to be sure about her feelings before she took the plunge.
That suited me, because my experience was much the same. But I was starting to have real feelings for Stella, because she was exactly what I'd been looking for all of my life.
Although she had a sophisticated way about her, and carried herself like royalty, she was a country girl at heart, someone who was more comfortable in the kitchen than on the dance floor.
Nevertheless, it was on the dance floor that our relationship reached that crossroads that could have wrecked it or deepened it.
It was a Friday night, just before the university's first home football game, and everybody was buzzed in expectation of the season to come. We had decided to check out this new club that had opened in another part of town, and it was jam-packed.
Because of the crowd, we couldn't find any place to sit, so we ended up standing off to one side of the dance floor. We really weren't having that good a time, and we were about ready to go, but I needed to pee, so I left Stella standing alone while I went to take care of business.
Wouldn't you know it; the band had quit playing just about the time I decided to make my visit to the little boys' room, so there was a line. It took me 15 minutes before I could finally get in and bleed my bladder.
When I got back on the dance floor, I saw Stella was backed up against the wall with a tall frat boy-type hovering in real close. He was one of these guys who think because they have looks and money that every woman on the planet ought to bow down at their feet.
Stella hadn't seen me, but I could see she was not comfortable with this guy hanging all over her.
I walked over and tried to grab Stella's hand so we could leave, and the asshole turned to me with a venomous look.
"Fuck off, punk," he said. "I was here first."
"Excuse me?" I said, interjecting myself between him and Stella. "I believe the lady came here with me, asshole."
"Look, buddy, I've got to go," Stella said.
"With him?" the guy said. "Nah, why don't you stay here and party with a real man."
"Listen, shitwad, the lady said she's leaving," I said.
"Piss off, shrimp," he said disdainfully, sort of pushing at my chest. "Get lost before I kick your ass."
Now, I was supremely pissed. The worst thing you can call someone who is fairly short of stature is "shrimp," not to mention that I was fuming at the way he was treating Stella. I grabbed the fucker by the shirt and turned him around and got right in his face.
"Listen motherfucker, I've had my ass kicked by far better men than you," I spat. "I didn't back off from them, and I ain't backing off from you. Now, you can either leave my girlfriend alone or we can step outside and settle this like men. Capiche?"
"You're on, cocksucker," the guy said, and turned toward the door. "Come on; I'm going to enjoy kicking your scrawny little ass, then I'm gonna fuck your hot girlfriend."
"Like hell you will," Stella said. "Norman, don't go out there. He'll kill you."
I just winked at her.
"Here, take my keys and get ready to make a quick escape," I said softly. "This isn't going to take long."
"Are you sure?" she said with real concern. "I don't want you to get hurt."
"Trust me," I said. "The only one who's going to get hurt is this clown."
A fair crowd of curious onlookers, including the three buddies the guy was partying with, boiled out of the club and into the parking lot. The bouncer kind of looked over at us, but made no move to intervene.
My car was about 10 yards from the open space in the parking lot where the circle of people gathered to watch what they expected to be a one-sided affair. I'd set it up that way.
The guy took up what he thought was a boxer's stance, and I just kind of stood there, sizing up my opponent. I was giving away seven, maybe eight inches in height and probably 50 pounds in weight. Seemed like a fair fight to me. He looked pretty drunk and I was cold sober.
Suddenly, I kind of threw my hands up.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," I started, as I casually walked toward where he was posing. "We've got to set the rules."
"Rules?" he said, with a puzzled look, and he dropped his guard for just a second.
"Yeah, rules," I said, as I suddenly kicked him as hard as I could right in the nuts. "None of this."
As the poor, dumb fucker bent forward grabbing his balls in agony, I clasped my hands together and clubbed him with a two-handed uppercut squarely in the face. He went down like he'd been pole-axed.
"And we can't have any of this, either," I said.
The guy was out cold on the ground, and his buddies — along with everyone else who was watching — just stood there stunned.
"Come on, baby, let's get the hell out of here," I said as I grabbed Stella's hand and we made a beeline for my car.
She'd already hit the button to unlock it, so all we had to do was climb in and start up the car. We were gone just about the time the fucker's friends began to shout angrily at me.
Stella was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face.
"Boy, you sure are full of surprises," she said when she finally got herself under control.
"Hey, I can't help it if the sumbitch doesn't watch old movies," I said. "About the only useful thing I ever learned from my daddy was that if I ever get in a fight, don't wait for the other guy to swing first, and there's no such thing as a fair fight."
"Movie?" Stella said. "I don't understand."
"Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," I said. "Best western ever made. There's a scene right at the beginning where Butch and Sundance ride back into the Hole in the Wall to find that Butch is being challenged for leadership of the gang. Remember the guy who played Lurch on The Addams Family? Well, he played the guy who was challenging Butch to a knife fight. And that's how Butch took care of it."
"You know I could have handled it," Stella said, as she moved over real close to me. "I'm a big girl, and I know how to take care of assholes like that."
"Oh, I know, but you shouldn't have to," I said. "And besides, he pissed me off with that 'shrimp' business."
"Did you really mean it when you called me your girlfriend?" she said in a purring tone of voice.
"Stella," I started. "We've known each other about a month, but I think I'm falling hard for you. You know my history, and... Aw hell, Stella, I've never been with anyone quite like you."
Just then, I felt Stella's hand caress my jean-covered cock.
"I think it's time we kicked this thing up a notch," she said. "Your place or mine?"
"Wherever you're most comfortable," I said as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me while I drove.
"I'm most comfortable right here," she said softly as she laid her head on my shoulder. "I'm like you; I've never met anyone quite like you, either."
We got to her house, and she invited me in and told me to sit tight while she, "got into something a little more comfortable."
When she emerged from her bedroom and stood just outside the door, all of my senses were assaulted by the vision of Stella in her version, "something a little more comfortable."
My mouth went dry and I know I stared as she stood there in all her naked glory. Her breasts were just as I had imagined, plump orbs that sat high and proud on her chest, capped by a pair of dark pink areolas, with two bullet-like nipples jutting out of them.
She had a flat stomach, nice flaring hips, legs that went on forever and a day, and the most luscious forest of dark curls that covered her pubic mound.
Stella had touched up her makeup and had dabbed some sort of enticing perfume in strategic places that lent a definite aura to her presence. She was looking at me through slitted eyes that were sending out laser beams of lust in my direction.
I stood up then and we sort of met in the middle of the room, our lips leading the way. I pulled her to me and lost myself in her ruby lips and active tongue.
Out of nowhere, I thought of that line from the Eagles, "raven hair and ruby lips, sparks fly from her fingertips." I didn't know in that moment whether Stella was a witchy woman or not, but she sure had me beguiled. Still does.
As we kissed ravenously, I could feel her body shimmering against mine, and my cock was on full alert. I filled my hands with her fat tits, squeezing her flesh and rolling her nipples between my fingers.
We finally broke our lip lock, and I immediately bent down slightly and captured one of her nipples between my lips. I suckled her hard tip, even lightly scraped it with my teeth, and that produced a hiss of lust from Stella.
"Oh, Norman, that feels really good," she said.
As I was feasting on her breasts, I slid two fingers between her legs and discovered a swampy well of arousal, framed by a nice pair of labia. As badly as I wanted to fuck this goddess, I was determined to make her so crazy with lust that she'd be begging for my cock.
Little did I know.
After dining on Stella's breasts and giving her slit a preliminary workout, she kind of stepped back and held me at arm's length. Her gaze was disconcerting as she looked me up and down.