The Cream of Sheba

by Bradley Stoke

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa, Humor, .

Desc: Humor Sex Story: The Cream of Sheba is a familiar name to anyone who frequents Internet sex sites. His stories of sex and, well, sex are popular with an audience hungry for stories dripping with women with huge breasts, variants on conventional coupling, and, of course, sex. But what is the Cream of Sheba really like in real life?

Tony leaned back from his desk, the one hand, or more specifically the two fingers, with which he had been typing feeling numb. His other hand, however, wasn't so much numb at the fingertips as it was at the wrist. The penis he held in his hand, jerking up and down in his languidly flicking wrist, was hovering somewhere between achieving full arousal and subsiding back to its more normal torpor. In front of him was the old PC he'd bought years ago and never felt the need to upgrade. The CRT screen displayed his recently typed words, which had come almost directly from his semi-erect penis and found their way into the default Times New Roman font of MS Word 95 via only a brief traverse through his brain. Ancient dried semen stains were splattered on everything: the keyboard, the carpet, the fabric of the crappy old PC World swivel chair where he sat, and even on his Logitech mouse.

Tony regarded the words he'd written in the hope that they might propel him into a realm of fresh inspiration and take his turgid prose soaring into new heights of second- or third-hand sexual passion.

Joe's prick thrust again and again into the busty Venusian cunt, her extraplanetary cum dribbling down the shaft, while her massive mammaries bobbed and wobbled to Joe's hard, virile thrusts! "Ooooh!! Aaggghhh!! Uuhhh!!" she shouted in orgasmic desire. "You're the best fuck I've had since the Uranians came. I think I love you, Joe!"

Tony smiled with satisfaction, his penis twitching as it responded to the images it had inspired. His story, 'Women Come on Venus', was going pretty well, if he didn't mind saying so himself. He was a fucking poet. He liked his own coinage: 'extraplanetary'. If it didn't exist in the dictionary, it fucking ought to. And 'massive mammaries'! He deserved the Booker Prize for his prose. Now, what he needed to do was try and get his character, Joe, to fuck some of the other Venusians. He'd got him to stick it in Amarinda, the Venusian with the huge tits, the big thighs and the long tongue (which was about all the characteristics he'd given her). But there were other Venusians to fuck. All with big tits. And all up for it.

He wasn't sure how far his talent for invention might be stretched by inventing all these space age alien names. 'Amarinda' was pretty good. A pretty cosmic kind of name. But what names should he give the other outer space bitches? Perhaps he ought to consult his old John Norman paperbacks. Or perhaps those novelisations he owned of Dr Who, Star Wars and James T. Kirk era Star Trek. They were a reliable treasure trove of inspiration. At least for that kind of inspiration he couldn't pump out of his testicles.

Tony scrolled up the pages of his story while wondering how he could get Joe and Amarinda to piss on each other, maybe get a dog involved, and whether there was an opportunity to incorporate leather or bondage into his plot. He settled at the top of the third page, his penis twitching in his grip, the tip of his glans slightly shiny in the light given off by the angle-poise lamp, and re-read the paragraph he had written.

Joe could see that Amarinda had whopping big boobies, perhaps 46DD, with a slim waist and full thighs. She pulled off her clothes really quickly and then took off her stockings with the suspenders. Joe's cock was as thick and stiff as a Cumberland sausage, but straight and rigid, rather than curved round in a circle. The Venusian was gasping with desire as Joe approached her, his dick ready to thrust inside her creamy quim.

Tony repeated his breathless prose to himself. 'Creamy quim'! Alliteration. Shakespeare had nothing on him. Perhaps he could pause for a quick smoke, he wondered, glancing at his open packet of Bensons. Or should he just let his muse transport him toward towering new vistas of poetic inspiration? Dripping as it would necessarily be in plenty of cum, jizz and female ejaculate (the name of which Tony wasn't quite sure).

And then the door-bell rang.

Fuck! Who could that be? It was fucking nine or ten or something in the evening. And it was pissing down outside as well. Perhaps it was one of the guys from the office coming round for a pint in the Fisherman's Retreat. If it was, why hadn't he phoned Tony to warn him in advance?

The door-bell rang again, more insistently.

"Coming!" Tony called out, tucking his penis back into his trousers and buttoning up his flies.

He glanced at the screen where the unfinished 'Women Come on Venus' was staring at him. What would one of his colleagues make of that? He didn't really want to know. If they knew he was a sex story writer who'd had loads of stories posted on the Internet, he'd never be able to live it down. And it wouldn't do him any good to tell them that he'd once got a half-way decent review for a story. Nor that his stories got loads of downloads. And they wouldn't be impressed by his account of the occasional e-mail he received from his readers, who praised him for writing the sort of stories they most liked to read. He'd just be known as a kind of pervert.

Tony hesitated over minimising the window in which Word 95 was displayed, but reflected that the wallpaper he'd chosen for his screen - a large breasted woman being fucked in both the front and the rear - was actually worse than a screen full of text. Tony shook his head, leaving the screen as it was, and scurried out of the living room and opened the front door.

"Fuck!" he cried, in genuine surprise. "Maggie! What are you doing here?"

"Why can't a wife visit her husband? Is there a law against it?" Margaret wondered, standing in the doorway, shaking her umbrella, the rain behind her having eased a little. "Are you going to ask me in? Or am I just going to have to stand out here in the pissing rain?"

"No! No! Come in!" said Tony as his wife crossed the threshold of his one-bedroom flat for the first time since he'd moved in just over a year before. He looked her up and down as she shook her long, dark bush of curly hair and undid the buttons of her shiny black overcoat. He'd not seen her for so long, he'd forgotten what a fine woman his wife was. And how painful it had been for him when she left him for that bitch from the insurance firm.

Margaret held up her overcoat, the drops of rain sliding down its shiny fabric and looked quizzically at her husband.

"Well! What do I do with this?"

"Er... I'll take it," said Tony, releasing it from her grip, his heart beating thunderously inside his chest as he regarded his wife. Her bosom was just as proud and firm as he remembered, some kind of D cup, although, unlike the heroes of his fiction, he didn't quite have the aptitude of instantly determining their exact size. And those thighs of hers, full and womanly, narrowing from her slightly large arse down to her feet in the severe high heels she still chose to wear. It was obvious that living with a dyke hadn't damaged Margaret's dress sense one iota.

Margaret smiled at her estranged husband, her face as thick with eye-liner, foundation cream and highlighter as it ever was. Her lips now a shocking purple. And she still plucked her eyebrows. Maggie might be a woman in her forties, but Tony knew for sure she was still the head turner she had been when they'd got married five years ago, both on the rebound from their respective and equally messy divorces. And, as Tony needed reminding, she and he were still man and wife, even though they'd been separated for so long.

He turned round to hang up his wife's coat in the wardrobe he'd so carefully assembled from the IKEA flat-pack, while Margaret strode boldly and unaccompanied into the living room.

Shit! Tony hoped she wouldn't look at his PC. Please anywhere... anywhere at all... but not at his PC. Perhaps the screensaver had started up. Perhaps she'd think it was some kind of letter he was writing to a solicitor.

Tony hurried into the living room, glancing at his harassed expression in the hallway mirror as he passed it by, his round-rim glasses and greying hair making him look so much older and sorrier for himself than when he and Margaret had got married in the registrar's office.

And then, his worst fears were realised. His wife was standing by his desk, an unlit cigarette dangling from her right hand and leaning forward to read the words off the computer screen.

"Maggie!" Tony said, trying to retain some sense of normality. "Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?"

"Tea or coffee? What time do you think it is? Get me a whisky. You still drink whisky, don't you? A Glenmorangie would go down fine."

"Yes. Yes. I'll get the bottle from the kitchen," Tony said, anxiously looking at his wife. "But first, shall I turn off the computer?"

"What? And deny me the pleasure of reading the latest opus from the Cream of Sheba? That would never do. Just get me a whisky. And two cubes of ice."

Tony scurried back to the kitchen. What did she say? 'The Cream of Sheba'? Did this mean that she knew? That she'd known all along? Or maybe it was just part of the text of the story. He could pretend it was written by someone else. That he'd downloaded it off the Internet. That'd be better than confessing to the truth. And better perhaps than if Maggie saw the wallpaper on his screen.

"Here you are, dear!" he called as he came back, watching his wife who was now sitting on his swivel-chair and reading his prose, the cigarette lit and held in her right hand, occasionally flicking ash into his ashtray.

"Award-winning stuff this, Tone!" Margaret said with a sneer. "Listen to this. 'When Joe reached the bottom of the ladder and his feet trod on the orange Venusian sand, thirty-three luscious babes emerged from their pods, with the most fantastic bodies Joe had ever seen. They all had waists like hour-glasses and boobs like beach-balls.' What do you think of that?"

"Um... I dunno," Tony remarked, uncomfortable at the sound of his own prose.

"It's really strange, isn't it? I mean, forgetting that Venus is like thousands of degrees hot and nothing could live there, it's weird how this Joe just struck lucky. And 'boobs like beach-balls'. Sounds pretty gruesome to me. Is that the best way to describe breasts, do you think?"

"Erm..." blushed Tony. "It's rubbish, isn't it?"

"Rubbish?" Margaret commented. "Don't be so hard on yourself. And what's this? How does this Joe get to find out what this Amarinda's bra measurements are? Was he working in the lingerie department of Marks & Spencer's back on Earth? Even though it says here he was the most accomplished and intelligent pilot to have ever graduated from Earth Space Academy. Bloody hell, Tony! Where do you get the inspiration for all this? Blake's Seven? Fireball XL5?"

"I don't know what you mean," stumbled Tony, his glass of whisky shaking in his hand after placing the other one beside the ashtray Margaret was using.

"Don't be stupid, Tony," Margaret sneered, puffing out a ring of smoke. "Don't think I don't know about your dirty little secret. 'Cream of Sheba'? When I first saw that on your PC a couple of years ago, it didn't take much skill at googling to find all those stories you've written. And God! You've been a busy little beaver, haven't you? All that Sheba cream of yours has gone a long way..." Margaret pointed at a stain on the mouse. "At least the cream you didn't squander on the way..."

"I can explain, Maggie..."

"Don't bloody try. As if it makes any difference. When I first read your stuff, I thought what kind of a perv am I married to? Sex with children. Sex with dogs. Bondage. Scat. Even rape. In fact everything except male homosexual sex..."

"It's not what it seems..."

"Well, what is it then, Tone? And why not male homosexual sex? After you got together with that French guy, Armand or whatever, of all the things you might have written about, that's about the thing on which you'd have been most authoritative. At least, I'm pretty sure you've never really had incestuous sex with twelve year old girls. Or pissed in anyone's face, unless it was Armand's. And however much you like dogs, I don't think you've ever actually had sex with one. And yet, unless you post under a different pseudonym to gay sites, I don't think you've written anything about men having sex with other men."

"It didn't really work out with Armand. And anyway, I'm not really gay..."

"You just fuck with one, do you? Well, you do like poking the women in your stories up the arse, like you sometimes did with me when we got a bit blotto, so I suppose you put your experiences with Armand to some good use. But, like I said, when I first saw your porno doodlings I was a bit shocked at first..."

"It's a bit cutting edge, isn't it?" Tony said with pride, despite his discomfiture.

"Well, that's not what shocked me. And anyway, it's no more 'cutting edge' than a lot of other stuff you see on the net. No, what shocked me was the poverty of your erotic fantasies, the narrowness of your views on women and all those bloody grammatical errors you made. And the typos! Don't you ever use a spellchecker? And your plots! All I've got to do is look at the title and I know what the story's going to be about. 'Amy and the Alsatian'. 'I Fucked a Cheerleader Babysitter'. 'Arsehole Avengers'. Christ, Tone! Is that what goes through your brain? And your stories with lesbians in them..."

"My lesbian stories?"

"Well, you don't have any with just lesbians, but you have loads where the girls hit off with each other, before hitting off with the guys. You really have no idea, have you?"

"Is it because you read about the lesbians in my stories that you ran off with... ?"

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Story tagged with:
Ma/Fa / Humor /