A 'Thank You' to my editors LadyCibelle and Techsan for making my stories a much better read.
My wife, Susan - I call her Susie - and I have been married over twelve years. I love her with all my heart and soul, but I think she's crazy. Not loony crazy but kind of dumb blonde type crazy. Don't get me wrong here; she is a blonde but she's far from dumb. I know she has me wrapped around her little finger and seems to always get her way.
She has a way to make me think I'm in charge but when I think about it, I know I'm not. Let me give you a couple of examples. She asks me if I would like to eat out. I say, "Sure, where do you want to eat?"
"Anywhere, I'm not picky," she says.
I know better so I start to pull into a Pizza Hut. "I'm not in the mood for pizza," she says to me.
Fine, no problem right? I pull into a burger joint. "I don't want fast food, I want a nice family type restaurant," she tells me.
I know where this is going so I pull into an area that has some nice restaurants. "Okay," I say. "Red Lobster or Applebee's, you choose."
"Either one is fine with me," she says.
So I pull into Applebee's since it was right there and the Red Lobster was across the street. As I pull in I can see she's disappointed. She looks at me with her sad eyes. Right then I knew she wanted the Red Lobster. I turn around and go across the street to the Red Lobster. She smiles at me and says, "Good choice."
She does this stuff to me all the time. We go to the movies and I ask her what she wants to see. She tells me anything that I want to see. I should ask her right then what movie do I want to see because that's where we'll be going. I'm too stupid for that and I get in line and when they ask me what movie I want tickets to, I see they have a good adventure movie and a love story. I look over at Susie and get two tickets to see a romance story. Of course, I get a smile from Susie.
I'm finding out that other men have similar lives. We learn up front that when the kids ask you for something or if they can go somewhere you have to say, "Ask your Mom." Whatever answer I give will be the wrong one. I bought her a t-shirt last year that she loves. It says, "Agree with me or go ahead and be wrong."
The latest thing that happened a couple of weeks ago was when I got up on Saturday and thought my cute little wife was going to make me some breakfast.
"Good Morning, Honey," I said. "What's for breakfast?"
"Make your own breakfast. I'm mad at you," she told me.
Okay, I'm thinking. We watched TV together last night and she cuddled up next to me. We went to bed and even made love and I know she came. I could feel her coming. We cuddled some more and I went to sleep. There was absolutely nothing she could be mad at me for.
I know what to do in situations like this. I've been doing it for twelve years now. "I'm sorry for whatever I did. Would you mind telling me what I did wrong?"
"You cheated on me so you can make your own breakfast," she said.
I was taken totally by surprise. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and popped a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. I have to tell you that I have never cheated on my wife. So, I asked her. "I give. When did I do this cheating on you?"
"Last night in my dream. We were at the Halloween party and I caught you screwing the woman in the black cat outfit."
"What woman? You had a dream and you're mad at me for something I did in your dream? Who was the woman?" I asked.
"I don't know, I thought you might. She had on a mask of a cat with ears. It covered her eyes and nose."
"Susie, I have no idea. All I know is that I'm eating cereal and toast because you had a dream. A dream I have no control over. When is the Halloween party anyway?"
"Next Saturday and, yes, we're going. You just have to promise me that if there is a woman there in a black cat outfit, you will stay away from her."
This is what my life is like all the time. God, I love her but I know she's certifiably crazy. This party we go to every year. It's the company where she works giving it. They rent a hall and serve food and free drinks. Even give a few prizes away.
I asked her why she didn't dress in the black cat outfit and then I could have sex with her and everything will be great?
"No," she said. "I already have our costumes ready and I'm not about to change them now. You just have to stay away from the black cat woman, so promise me."
"Okay, I promise not to dance with any woman who is dressed in a black cat outfit. There! Are you happy now? What am I going dressed as anyway?"
"You're going as a lumberjack. I have your red plaid shirt cleaned and ironed and your roughneck jeans cleaned. You can wear your tool belt if you like and of course your work boots and toboggan."
"But, Susie, I'm a logger! It's the same as a lumberjack."
"It's original, you know, like a doctor wearing a smock and a stethoscope, or a police officer wearing his uniform. I think you have a chance of winning a prize," smiled Susie.
"Are you going to wear a skirt and blouse and go as a secretary?" I laughed since that was her job.
"No, silly, that would be stupid. I'm going as a hooker."
"Oh, shit! What are you going to wear? One of those really skimpy outfits?
"I have a low cut blouse but I'm wearing a bra. I have a real short skirt but I'm going to wear black checkered tights. It will make me look like a hooker but I won't be showing my ass. Of course red lipstick and long earrings. I have a black long haired wig also."
"Can I buy you when we get home from the party?" I smiled.
"If you're good, you might get a freebie," she replied.
Our kids were getting up and asked Susie if she would make them some pancakes. She told them sure and started getting the stuff out to make them. There I was finishing my cereal.
"Dad, why are you eating cereal when Mom always makes us breakfast on Saturday?"
All three of my kids were staring at me. I looked at them and told them I was just in the mood for cereal. I didn't want to go through the trouble of explaining their mother's dream.
On Monday I headed for work. I was thinking about my cute little wife. Susie was all of 5' 2" tall and less than 120 pounds. It's funny how most men just let the women be in control. I honestly believe we don't care. We just want to make them happy but for some reason we don't see thing the same.
At lunch time we always talk about the women. It's just something men do. This is when I found out that my Susie wasn't the only nut out there. My buddies Brett, Allen, Jim and Brad came up with a list of why guys have it so much better than our counterparts or at least how we think.
Brett began with, "We're much simple creatures. Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours."
"Not in my house," I replied. "Susie's car gets the garage. My truck stays outside," I laughed.
Allen talked about his recent marriage. "For guys, wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress~$3000. Tux rental~$100. I didn't care what we had to eat at the reception as long as we had beer," laughed Allen
Brad is always thinking about the women. "We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Heck, we can wear no shirt to a water park. People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them."
Brad's wife Marlyn had a hell of a rack on her. Your eyes automatically went to them. She really never seemed to mind. She was kind of a flirt.
Jim was one of the older guys on our crew. He'd been married thirty years. He must have been doing something right. I asked him for his opinion.
"Well, let's see," said Jim. "Men can never get pregnant. Car mechanics usually tell us the truth. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character to us guys. Graying hair adds attraction. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. The pull my finger fart we do with the kids is always questioned but never stops."
"I have some more thoughts," said Brett. "The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because the one we were at was too icky."
Jim jumped back in. "Everything on a man's face stays its original color. We can have the same hairstyle for years, maybe decades. We only have to shave our face and neck."
Jim looked over at me. "Jerry, you've been married a number of years and have three kids. What words of wisdom do you have to add to our conversation?"
"Oh, I can think of a lot of things but if I ever mention them to Susie, she wouldn't speak to me for a week. To begin with, most men have one mood all the time. Our phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase for men. We can open our own jars. If someone forgets to invite us to anything we can still be friends. Men's underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Men have no problem with wrinkled clothes. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look."
"I have something that bothers me," said Allen. "I know I'm newly married but what's this shit with putting the toilet seat down? I raise it up so I don't piss on it. She gets mad if it gets wet or if I leave it up. It's a lose-lose situation. Also, Mary got mad when I put a new roll of toilet paper on the roll. She said it was upside down. Who cares what side you wipe your ass with? I always heard that men never change the roll so I thought I would be helpful."
.... There is more of this story ...