A 'Thank You' to my editors LadyCibelle and Techsan for making my stories a much better read.
My wife, Susan - I call her Susie - and I have been married over twelve years. I love her with all my heart and soul, but I think she's crazy. Not loony crazy but kind of dumb blonde type crazy. Don't get me wrong here; she is a blonde but she's far from dumb. I know she has me wrapped around her little finger and seems to always get her way.
She has a way to make me think I'm in charge but when I think about it, I know I'm not. Let me give you a couple of examples. She asks me if I would like to eat out. I say, "Sure, where do you want to eat?"
"Anywhere, I'm not picky," she says.
I know better so I start to pull into a Pizza Hut. "I'm not in the mood for pizza," she says to me.
Fine, no problem right? I pull into a burger joint. "I don't want fast food, I want a nice family type restaurant," she tells me.
I know where this is going so I pull into an area that has some nice restaurants. "Okay," I say. "Red Lobster or Applebee's, you choose."
"Either one is fine with me," she says.
So I pull into Applebee's since it was right there and the Red Lobster was across the street. As I pull in I can see she's disappointed. She looks at me with her sad eyes. Right then I knew she wanted the Red Lobster. I turn around and go across the street to the Red Lobster. She smiles at me and says, "Good choice."
She does this stuff to me all the time. We go to the movies and I ask her what she wants to see. She tells me anything that I want to see. I should ask her right then what movie do I want to see because that's where we'll be going. I'm too stupid for that and I get in line and when they ask me what movie I want tickets to, I see they have a good adventure movie and a love story. I look over at Susie and get two tickets to see a romance story. Of course, I get a smile from Susie.
I'm finding out that other men have similar lives. We learn up front that when the kids ask you for something or if they can go somewhere you have to say, "Ask your Mom." Whatever answer I give will be the wrong one. I bought her a t-shirt last year that she loves. It says, "Agree with me or go ahead and be wrong."
The latest thing that happened a couple of weeks ago was when I got up on Saturday and thought my cute little wife was going to make me some breakfast.
"Good Morning, Honey," I said. "What's for breakfast?"
"Make your own breakfast. I'm mad at you," she told me.
Okay, I'm thinking. We watched TV together last night and she cuddled up next to me. We went to bed and even made love and I know she came. I could feel her coming. We cuddled some more and I went to sleep. There was absolutely nothing she could be mad at me for.
I know what to do in situations like this. I've been doing it for twelve years now. "I'm sorry for whatever I did. Would you mind telling me what I did wrong?"
"You cheated on me so you can make your own breakfast," she said.
I was taken totally by surprise. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and popped a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. I have to tell you that I have never cheated on my wife. So, I asked her. "I give. When did I do this cheating on you?"
"Last night in my dream. We were at the Halloween party and I caught you screwing the woman in the black cat outfit."
"What woman? You had a dream and you're mad at me for something I did in your dream? Who was the woman?" I asked.
"I don't know, I thought you might. She had on a mask of a cat with ears. It covered her eyes and nose."
"Susie, I have no idea. All I know is that I'm eating cereal and toast because you had a dream. A dream I have no control over. When is the Halloween party anyway?"
"Next Saturday and, yes, we're going. You just have to promise me that if there is a woman there in a black cat outfit, you will stay away from her."
This is what my life is like all the time. God, I love her but I know she's certifiably crazy. This party we go to every year. It's the company where she works giving it. They rent a hall and serve food and free drinks. Even give a few prizes away.
I asked her why she didn't dress in the black cat outfit and then I could have sex with her and everything will be great?
"No," she said. "I already have our costumes ready and I'm not about to change them now. You just have to stay away from the black cat woman, so promise me."
"Okay, I promise not to dance with any woman who is dressed in a black cat outfit. There! Are you happy now? What am I going dressed as anyway?"
"You're going as a lumberjack. I have your red plaid shirt cleaned and ironed and your roughneck jeans cleaned. You can wear your tool belt if you like and of course your work boots and toboggan."
"But, Susie, I'm a logger! It's the same as a lumberjack."
"It's original, you know, like a doctor wearing a smock and a stethoscope, or a police officer wearing his uniform. I think you have a chance of winning a prize," smiled Susie.
"Are you going to wear a skirt and blouse and go as a secretary?" I laughed since that was her job.
"No, silly, that would be stupid. I'm going as a hooker."
"Oh, shit! What are you going to wear? One of those really skimpy outfits?
"I have a low cut blouse but I'm wearing a bra. I have a real short skirt but I'm going to wear black checkered tights. It will make me look like a hooker but I won't be showing my ass. Of course red lipstick and long earrings. I have a black long haired wig also."
"Can I buy you when we get home from the party?" I smiled.
"If you're good, you might get a freebie," she replied.
Our kids were getting up and asked Susie if she would make them some pancakes. She told them sure and started getting the stuff out to make them. There I was finishing my cereal.
"Dad, why are you eating cereal when Mom always makes us breakfast on Saturday?"
All three of my kids were staring at me. I looked at them and told them I was just in the mood for cereal. I didn't want to go through the trouble of explaining their mother's dream.
On Monday I headed for work. I was thinking about my cute little wife. Susie was all of 5' 2" tall and less than 120 pounds. It's funny how most men just let the women be in control. I honestly believe we don't care. We just want to make them happy but for some reason we don't see thing the same.
At lunch time we always talk about the women. It's just something men do. This is when I found out that my Susie wasn't the only nut out there. My buddies Brett, Allen, Jim and Brad came up with a list of why guys have it so much better than our counterparts or at least how we think.
Brett began with, "We're much simple creatures. Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours."
"Not in my house," I replied. "Susie's car gets the garage. My truck stays outside," I laughed.
Allen talked about his recent marriage. "For guys, wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress~$3000. Tux rental~$100. I didn't care what we had to eat at the reception as long as we had beer," laughed Allen
Brad is always thinking about the women. "We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Heck, we can wear no shirt to a water park. People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them."
Brad's wife Marlyn had a hell of a rack on her. Your eyes automatically went to them. She really never seemed to mind. She was kind of a flirt.
Jim was one of the older guys on our crew. He'd been married thirty years. He must have been doing something right. I asked him for his opinion.
"Well, let's see," said Jim. "Men can never get pregnant. Car mechanics usually tell us the truth. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character to us guys. Graying hair adds attraction. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. The pull my finger fart we do with the kids is always questioned but never stops."
"I have some more thoughts," said Brett. "The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because the one we were at was too icky."
Jim jumped back in. "Everything on a man's face stays its original color. We can have the same hairstyle for years, maybe decades. We only have to shave our face and neck."
Jim looked over at me. "Jerry, you've been married a number of years and have three kids. What words of wisdom do you have to add to our conversation?"
"Oh, I can think of a lot of things but if I ever mention them to Susie, she wouldn't speak to me for a week. To begin with, most men have one mood all the time. Our phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase for men. We can open our own jars. If someone forgets to invite us to anything we can still be friends. Men's underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Men have no problem with wrinkled clothes. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look."
"I have something that bothers me," said Allen. "I know I'm newly married but what's this shit with putting the toilet seat down? I raise it up so I don't piss on it. She gets mad if it gets wet or if I leave it up. It's a lose-lose situation. Also, Mary got mad when I put a new roll of toilet paper on the roll. She said it was upside down. Who cares what side you wipe your ass with? I always heard that men never change the roll so I thought I would be helpful."
Brett finished the conversation saying, "I can do my finger and toe nails with a pocket knife. We men have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Also, I can do my Christmas shopping on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier."
We all laughed and went back to work.
The following Saturday was the Halloween party. It was only noon and Susie was starting to get ready. We had six hours before we even had to leave. I figured I'd need about twenty minutes to shower, shave, and get dressed. I knew I'd still be ready before Susie. I decided to watch sports on TV for the afternoon.
At around five I got off the couch and took my shower and shaved and walked in the room to get dressed. There was my sexy Susie in a black laced bra and under panties. "Damn you look good enough to eat," I replied.
I grabbed her by the ass and squeezed. She smiled and told me if I was a good boy at the party she might take me up on the offer when we got home. Damn, I loved that woman. I could even live with her quirkiness.
I was dressed in my so-called costume which was basically the same type clothes I wear to work. My daughter came in and said, "Dad, aren't you and mom going to the Halloween party? You better get dressed before mom gets mad at you."
See, even my kids knew their mother wasn't all there. "Honey, this is my costume. Before you say anything, it was your mom's idea."
Just then Susie came in dressed like a hooker. She did look pretty good. She had on a white low cut blouse that showed her black bra and some of her boobs. She had on a short black mini skirt that barely covered her ass. I raised it up and she had on checkered tights. I was a little afraid that she might be showing off her ass if she wore garters.
"Sweetheart, did you really think I would show my butt in public. I know you were looking for a garter belt."
My daughter laughed and I was a bit embarrassed. Susie could read me like a book. Our other two kids came in and told Susie how good she looked and told me I looked like I was ready for work. I just shook my head. No use arguing, I never win.
The party was held at a huge hall with a nice outside patio. It was finger type food that was available all night. They had an open bar which meant free beer, all I could drink. I knew a lot of the people there. I had met them at other parties and when I'd go see Susie at work. My buddy Brad and his wife Marlyn were there. Marlyn worked at the office also. She was dressed as a hooker also. I figured she and Susie talked it over.
Marlyn's outfit was a lot more revealing than Susie's, showing most of her large boobs. I could almost see the areolas. Her skirt was almost as short as Susie's. I could see that unlike Susie, Marlyn wore a garter belt and black nylons. I could see her black underpants whenever she bent over. She really did look like a hooker.
When Brad came up to me he asked me how come I didn't wear a costume. He was dressed as a cowboy.
"This is my costume. I'm a lumberjack," I replied.
Brad laughed, and told me I look like I got dressed for work. I tried to explain to everyone who asked that this is what Susie asked me to wear.
I danced with my wife a number of times and also danced with Marlyn who would always press up against me. I danced with quite a few other women also. They had on just about every kind of costume you could think of. Susie was dancing with a number of men also. Most I knew. She would always look over at me and smile. I was really having a good time and drinking as much beer as possible.
You have to understand that Susie was like my caretaker. No matter how drunk I got she would always guide me to the car and take me home. I guess it was one of the things she put up with. I have been in a number of bar fights early in our marriage and she always showed up to take me home. I guess she really did love me.
I was headed for the restroom for the second time. When I came out, I couldn't believe my eyes. There stood a gorgeous woman in a black cat outfit. Gorgeous doesn't come near explaining what I was looking at!
She had on a cat mask that covered half her face. I could see her hazel eyes through the eye openings. Her mouth wasn't covered and her lips were ruby red. She was tall maybe 5' 10". She was slim and sleek looking, like someone out of a Playboy calendar. Her outfit, what there was of it, was black knit. It was two pieces with the top going from her neck stretching to just below her boobs. She had small boobs and no bra on. The bottom half of her costume started about six inches below her belly button and a very flat stomach.
It stretched down over her ass. It didn't look like she was wearing any kind of underwear. When she turned around the material stretched across her pubic mound and all the way down to her ankles. This woman exuded sex. I have never seen any woman like her. If this is what Susie dreamt, I could see why she was mad.
Susie saw me staring as well as seeing every other man and a few women doing the same.
"Don't you even think about it," said Susie. "You can dance with any other woman here but I don't want to see you near her. Do we understand each other?"
I was honestly glad Susie was with me. If I would run into a woman who looked like this and I had too much to drink, I know I would get myself in trouble. As nice as she looked, I wouldn't want to fuck up my life. I truly loved my crazy Susie.
"Honey," smiled Susie. "I wouldn't want to kick her ass in front of all these people. She messes with my man, she'll have to pay the price."
I knew Susie was just letting me off easy. She was a little fireball and it wouldn't surprise me if she meant what she said. I promised her I wouldn't approach the black pussy cat. Susie reached up, put her arms around my neck and kissed me.
For the next couple of hours, I drank a lot of beer and danced with a number of women. Whenever I was sitting, I watched the pussy cat. She was so intriguing and was dancing with everyone there. My buddy Brad came over and asked me what I thought of the pussy cat.
"She's one fine looking woman," I said to Brad.
"She's more than that, Jerry. She's warm, soft and smells great. She mentioned she was from Sweden. When I was dancing with her, I don't think she had any under garments on. Dancing with her will give a guy a hard-on. I know it did me," replied Brad.
"You better not let Marlyn know you're doing all that checking out. She might get pissed," I told Brad.
"Marlyn's busy doing her own thing. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, that's my motto. I think I'll go and dance with that pussy cat again," replied Brad.
The more I watched her the more I was intrigued by her. No one seemed to know anything about her; at least no one was saying anything other than how she exuded sex. I knew I was starting to feel my beer. I made another trip to the boys room and when I came out Susie told me to put on the rest of my costume. They were going to start the judging.
She handed me my toboggan and my tool belt. Instead of my tools she took our son's play tool set made of plastic and rubber and placed it in my belt. I have to admit I felt silly being a logger and having all toy tools. I guess if I had a real axe and saw, it might make people nervous. I knew it wouldn't be for long so I just pleased the little woman.
It was time to judge the costumes. They had a number of categories and were giving out little trophies and gift certificates. When it came to sexiest costume, there was no debate as the black pussy cat won hands down. You could see the men clap for her as she accepted her trophy. Damn, she looked hot.
Time for the most original costume. They called out, "The lumberjack." That was me.
I glanced over at Susie who was jumping up and down for me. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew you would win," said a very happy Susie.
I went up and got my trophy and a gift certificate to the Red Lobster for fifty dollars. At least I wouldn't have to argue with Susie where to eat. Susie kissed me when I got back and Brad just shook his head.
After the awards were passed out everyone began dancing again. Superman was dancing with the pussy cat. There was one guy dressed in as a New Years Eve baby. I'm afraid if Susie would have done that to me, we would still be arguing. After a dance with Susie I told her I was going to put our trophy, gift certificate and my tool belt and hat back in the car. On returning I decided to sit and relax on the back patio. There were a few people mingling out there. I just wanted a little fresh air.
As I was sitting there in the semi dark I looked up and there stood the pussy cat. The first thing that came into my mind was Susie coming out and catching us having sex. How stupid could I be?
"Congratulations on winning the most original trophy," she said in a Swedish accent.
She was standing so close that I could see she even shaved the fuzz of her lower belly below the navel. I could also see the knitted part of her suit squeezing her pubic area. I looked up and she kept her face covered. Her nipples were beginning to get hard from the coolness of the evening and were pushing against her knit top. I knew I had to reply and say something to her.
"Congratulations to you too. There is no question you deserved the most sexy costume award."
"Mind if I sit down and join you for a few minutes. I just want to rest and talk with you for a few minutes," she said.