(Author's note: I do a lot of flying in my work. One day I sat next to an actual Bubba. His total lack of even the basic elements of respect for women caused me to write this satire. Keep in mind the web page is a fake. Also, Sprite, thank you for editing my work. You are a true joy to work with.)
The first of Bubba's Laws on Women. "If she ain't got a dick, she wants yours."
I love women. I'll look at anything with tits. Big ones, small ones, short ones; tall ones all of 'em receive notice of my roving eye. But I am not an undisciplined pig about women. I have my standards. Many feel I have a gift, and that gift should be shared with the less fortunate. This is the first in a series of instructions for you poor guys that need my help. This can also be used by my lesbian friends. While I am a guy, I don't consider women who like women much competition, so ladies feel free to use any of my tricks.
First off, my kind of woman drives a truck. The problem is that the yuppies now have a truck that doesn't count. These damned SUVs are diluting the gene pool. So, I have to get more selective. The women I crave drive full sized pickups. I mean, a girl in an SUV will give you a blow job, but if you want a blow job that sucks you eyes into the back of your head, find a bitch in a pickup. Don't mess around with those baby pickups. I mean, shit, driving one of those is like driving a car.
No, to get the proper attitude, she'll be driving a large V8, and it should be old. It's a plus if the truck is filthy and rusted through in a few places. This assures the searcher that the truck is a working truck. A little straw and cow pies in the back most likely means this girl is a farm girl. Farming is hard work, so farm girls have a lot of stamina for an evening of fun.
The next thing to look at is the dashboard of the truck. Look for several old partially filled packets of generic cigarettes. (Menthols are best, because the girl will taste better when you kiss her.) If you can't find those, Basic brand is generally cheap enough. You want to make sure there are a lot of open packets on the dash. A second check is to look at the ashtray. If it's overflowing, you know this slut's a chain smoker. You see, if a woman spends all her time exercising her lungs by drawing on cigarettes, you can be sure she's up to a crackerjack blowjob.
Another thing is that if the truck has an air conditioner, she ain't worth messing with. Brother (or sister if you're swinging that way. I am a very liberal man. I don't blame you for eaten pussy. I eat it myself.), if some cunt doesn't like the heat, she ain't gonna be hot in bed. I like my women sweaty and smelly.
The best way to assure you find an old truck is to go to the country and western dance halls. There is something about C & W that just draws pickups. There must be some sort of magnet in those bars that draw 20 year old Ford F100s. My most successful hunts occur in the south. After all, the only difference between a northern girl and a southern girl is that the northern girl says you can, and the southern girl says you all can.
While you're checking out the pick up, check for parking stickers. If you're real lucky, you might find that she lives in a mobile home park. That's the best. God, I live for trailer trash!
Once you find the pickup you need, you have to follow the girl into the bar. Don't worry about being called a stalker. Remember my first law of women. I recommend you try for redheads. It doesn't matter if they're natural or not. In fact, the worse the dye job, the more likely your success
Another thing I look for are skinny broads. I mean my dick ain't like you read about in the stories on the Internet. In fact, I could be in competition for the list of the 10 smallest dicks in the world. A lot of fat just keeps me from finding her pussy with my dick. It's really frustrating if you spend 3 or 4 bucks for beer for this bitch, and then can't reach her pussy. It just sucks.
I like them as close to anorexic as possible. I don't want the whole disease, you know, because I don't want some bitch dieing on me while I fuck her.
Big tits are nice, but they're kind of like appendixes. It's nice if they have 'em, but you don't really miss 'em if they don't. In fact, I have found that skinny broads with big tits have so many guys hanging around them that they develop an attitude. I hate attitude! Let's face it, these cunts were placed on this earth to make man happy. (Read your Bible.) Where do they get off giving me attitude?
Another criterion is clothing. I like ugly girls when it comes to clothing, because they try to draw attention away from their faces. Show a lot of cleavage, and I (and most guys) don't give a fuck about much else. The more chest she bares, the uglier her face can be. I mean you can always close your eyes if the bedroom isn't dark enough.
I like two piece outfits. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders have done more for women's fashions than any dozen queer fashion designers. Give me a lot of bare skin and a nice simple knot to untie, and I'll drink a glass of her piss just to kiss where it came from. Shit it is hot.
The pants have to be skin tight and short. I like to see as much ass cheek sticking out as possible. This lets me see what's in store. It also shows she's hot and trying to cool off, a very cool situation.
Cowboy boots are a nice touch, too. One, they're generally better looking than the scrawny legs that go in them. Two, they're easy to take off. Three, it reflects a total lack of good taste.
.... There is more of this story ...