Help With Dating

by DG Hear

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa, Consensual, Humor, .

Desc: Humor Sex Story: This is take on dating. All in Jest, everyone should be able to laugh once in awhile.

All these suggestions on 'How To' are my own, not necessarily those of my editors, Lady Cibelle and Techsan, who make all my writings a much better read.

Throughout the years dating has changed. Those who have gone back into dating in recent years, for whatever reason, have probably found it's a whole new ball game. I wrote some suggestions last year under "Miscues and Mistakes" to help with some of the dating problems. After receiving a number of comments and other suggestions from the readers, I decided to reiterate some of those finding as well as adding new how to's to help the latest daters.

How to find someone to date:

To begin, we need to know some of the places to find someone willing to go out with us. This shouldn't be too hard to do. I might say, before I start that, most of my comments and helpful hints are mainly for the male gender, but some ladies might find some interesting facts as well.

Malls and movie houses can be a good place to meet people as well as the Laundromat and your local bars and lounges. A nicer way is if you are lucky enough to have friends to help you find that right person. If all else fails, you can go on-line and find a friend or nowadays we have rent-a-date escort services. If you can't find at least a hooker then you might as well stop reading now. I can't help you. Just buy your hand a beer and watch a porno movie.

Even though this is some serious stuff I'm explaining to you, we still might find a laugh or two.

How-to guide for kissing:

Kissing used to be easy, but not anymore. First, let's deal with braces. If your woman (this stuff is for adults) wears braces, be very careful and kiss her lips very softly. If you apply too much pressure, her lips will push against her gums and cut the hell out of the inside of her lips and your date will be over before it began.

If you both wear braces, you might stick to kissing on the cheek only. If you get caught in a big lip lock, you might get your braces locked together also. You won't even be able to make it to the hospital unless you get a friend to drive you there. Give kissing some serious thought before proceeding with braces.

Older people are now out in the dating game. If you have false teeth, you might watch your kissing also. Light pressure open-mouth kisses are acceptable. Do not under any circumstances try French or kissing using the tongue. Just picture this: your woman sticks her tongue in your mouth and your dentures come loose. Need I say more?

Another thing about kissing; especially open-mouth and giving tongue type kisses. You might want to consider where your date's mouth has been prior to the date with you. This could be a problem when using a dating service or prostitute.

How to disrobe your date:

Let's begin by me undressing my lover. I try to unbutton her blouse but the little button doesn't seem to come through the little slit like it's supposed to. Finally, I get it undone and see her breasts staring me in the face behind her bra. Here is the problem I found out last year.

I reach my hand behind her back while we are kissing, feeling for the clasp on her bra. Where the hell is the damn thing? I'm an ultra male; I don't want to have to ask her. Finally in a nice way, we unlock lips and she says, "The clasp is in the front." Then in a very faint voice I hear the word, "Moron."

I quickly undo the clasp and let these big babies bounce out. I want to pull her bra off but it gets tangled in her blouse. Now I have to pull them off together trying to get them off her shoulders in a loving way like they do on TV.

After getting feedback on the subject, I now know what to do and will pass it on to you. While kissing her when her blouse is still on, rub your finger along her bra line. If it's smooth all the way across then the clasp is in the front and you won't feel so stupid. If you feel it in the middle of her back while rubbing the bra line then, of course, it has a back clasp. You should remove her blouse before un-clasping her bra.

Next, I want to remove her jeans. I have now learned to tell my ladies to remove them before climbing on the bed; saves a lot of hassle, unless you're a specialist in removing a woman's clothing. I made the mistake a few times of trying to gently remove her jeans while she is lying on the bed. Big, big mistake! Women buy jeans at least one size too small! The jeans look great on them, nice and tight, but they are hell to pull off. Believe me; I've tried more than once. If you can get it over her ass, you might have a chance. I never seemed to be that lucky, as I had to climb up and try to pull the jeans under her ass, scooting each side down about an inch at a time.

You want to do this without pulling her panties off at the same time. You might have to pull her panties and jeans down a little and then kind of pull the panties back up and then back to the jeans again. Hopefully, you were lucky enough to get the jeans down to her thighs. If she has big thighs, you might have to keep scooting the jeans one side at a time. Whatever you do, keep complimenting her on her body, even if she has thunder thighs and stretch marks. Don't ask her to spread her legs - it doesn't sound good. If she doesn't do it automatically for you, then scoot up between them and push her legs apart yourself, but not too far - you still have to get her jeans off.

How to get on the bed:

Hopefully, by now your date is naked. Somewhere along the line you should have removed your own clothing. You should usually leave your underwear on till you are ready to expose your big Johnson (cock).

Last year I tried to explain getting on the bed while kissing. A totally bad idea!

I wanted us to fall together on the bed gently like they do in the movies. So I held onto her and kind of pulled her toward me so we could fall together onto the bed. Big mistake! I didn't say anything to her while she lost her footing and fell on me as we bumped heads. It kind of killed the mood since now she needed a couple of aspirin for the headache she was quickly getting.

Another time my date and I were kissing when we fell together on the bed. She sent me her dental bill for the loose teeth she received.

I've never gotten that falling together down right. I tried to fall on the bed by myself over a hundred times so I could explain to the readers the best way to do this. Believe me, there isn't any good way to fall on the bed alone, let alone with a partner. Now I just tell my lady friend to climb on the bed and then I climb on top of her. I can't believe how many aspirin I have saved, and no more dental bills. Of course I might add, if she wants to be on top, that's okay too.

How to use foreplay:

Women love foreplay. The first thing and also the main thing to remember is to compliment! compliment! compliment! Women love compliments. I don't care if it's her hair, boobs, belly, feet, toes or nose, compliment her on it. You will be glad you did.

Hopefully your woman should now be lying on your bed with only her panties on. You should climb on the bed and have some foreplay before going much further. Women usually like this unless you are as inept as I was till I started practicing on using foreplay.

Let's talk a little about her erogenous zones. Women have many of them. Most men know about her nipples, neck, lips and the whole vaginal area. There are others that I have found lately and would like to pass on to you.

The shoulders: I can't tell you how many women have let me rub their shoulders. Of course you start there and they may let you massage a lot of other places as well. Women also love to have their feet massaged. Rub the little balls under their toes. After being on their feet all day, they will love you for this. If they have nice cute clean feet, you might consider sucking a toe or two. Of course you will need to check their feet out pretty good before sucking any toes. You have to be the judge here.

One of the newest places I have found that turn women on, is the area between their belly button and their mound. I can't tell you what a hot area this is on most women. I have to admit that this area is a turn on for me too, knowing that I am probably minutes away from pay dirt. Try both rubbing and kissing this area. No matter how big your woman is, this area is a turn-on.

Time to start the foreplay: I was kissing my woman over and over again. I was planting my lips against her taking her breath away. Literally! I didn't know she wasn't able to breath and she started kicking and moving under me. I thought I was really getting her turned on. I was 'Jerry, the super kisser.' I found out she wasn't able to breathe through her nose. I guess I really took her breath away. You might want to ask or at least make the kisses short if you see this happening.

I started kissing her neck like they do in the movies. Again, another mistake! I sucked too hard and gave her a hickey. For those of you who don't know what a hickey is I'll explain. It's sucking hard on her neck or other soft places that leave a bruise. Most women don't want hickeys. It's embarrassing especially if other people see the bruises and she has to try to explain it. If she's married, you might be in 'mucho' trouble.

Kissing and playing with her boobs. This was information I passed along last year but it still holds true. The boobs or breasts are a big misunderstood area. Some women loved them played with. None like them mauled - believe me, I found out the hard way.

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Story tagged with:
Ma/Fa / Consensual / Humor /