As always a special thank you to my editors, LadyCibelle and Techsan, for making my stories and 'How to' much better reads. I'd be lost without them. Well, not lost per se but in a world of shit. Speaking of shit here is my how to poop at work or anywhere else.
There are many 'How To' books out there in the market place, but sometimes we need help on things that are not in print. That is where I come in, being the trustful advisor that I am.
We all do it and most of us get embarrassed at times. So I'm writing this helpful advice. You might want to carry it in your purse or wallet in case you can't remember all the advice when needed.
This advice isn't only for work but anytime you find the need to go when you're not at home. We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles or work areas and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the ' Work Poop' is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, use the following advice for taking a dump at work or away from home. Pooping at home is the best place but sometimes we just can't wait.
-Crop dusting (a type of fart): When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. You don't want to go back to your work area with lingering smells.
-The Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a 'Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. Try to stand away from the bathroom but with a good view of the door so you can see when the present pooper is leaving.
-The Escapee fart: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn't happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. I would advise you to just hold your breath and keep quiet, finish your business as soon as possible and get out of the restroom.
-The Jail Breaker: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
-The Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. Watch out when flushing. The force of the flush will more than likely get your ass all wet. It's worth getting your ass wet so you can avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
-The Walk Of Shame: This is walking from the stall, to the sink, and then to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and finds that you are the only one in this restroom filled with stink. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Remember this can usually be avoided with the use of the courtesy flush, but you will probably end up with a wet ass.
-The Out Of The Closet Pooper: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom. This person will surely stink up the restroom because they are proud of themselves for being different and want to broadcast it to the world or at least to the co-workers using the same restroom.
-The Pooping Friends Network (P.F.N): This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers, and identify safe havens for its members. You will want to joint this group when you start a new job. If the group doesn't exist, you might want to start a chapter of your own. Your fellow workers will probably be glad to join. Almost every business or industry now has out of the closet pooper employees.
Safe Havens: These are seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. They are usually on floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom while you are using it. Of course if someone from the opposite sex comes in, you might have some explaining to do. I suggest you learn to double talk or at least learn to mumble till you can get your ass out of that restroom.