What about this — a woman cuckolds her husband using his best friend — yeah, like that's never happened. What might have been the result of him finding out?
Well, there's always the legal system...
"Sam Santangilo here and welcome back to our year end wrap-up of Day In Court TV. We've saved the best for last. Oh yes, it's time for our annual update on the continuing courtroom drama and life travails of Erica Montgomery, or as our viewers have come to call her, Icky Rickie. Let's go to our courthouse correspondent Estella Greenwood for the latest news. "Estella — wow can I just say you're looking quite chic in that outfit? - 'stella I understand you have something special for our viewers tonight. Is that correct?"
"Hi Sam and thanks for the compliment. I do have something special for our viewers tonight. Sam as you well know we are in year five of one of the longest running courtroom escapades in Breaker County history. This ordeal has been going on for so long that we're going to take our viewers back to the very beginning and bring everyone up to speed. Our long time viewers will want to stay with us right through to the end as we are going to break a huge scoop. Buckle up; it's liable to be a pretty wild and parents take note this is likely to be a very naughty ride.
"Sam, I'm holding a local newspaper from five years ago. In the legal notices section, you can see this small entry - right here. We've blown it up so you can see it on your TV screen now. It reads - Divorced granted to: Charles and Erica Montgomery. Blah, blah, blah and it cites "Irreconcilable Differences" as the reason.
"A simple published item referring to the legal dissolution of a marriage of twenty-one years. Nothing very newsworthy there - other then to the family and friends involved. It's something that happens all the time. And in most cases, that would have been the end of it. This little item wasn't the end, oh no as our faithful viewers know it was just the beginning. This was more like a fuse and it was about to blow up big time.
"Shortly after the divorce Charles Montgomery filed a lawsuit against Erica Montgomery and an unnamed co-conspirator, accusing them of defrauding Mr. Montgomery. He was asking for one million dollars in restitution. Now what was unusual here was the Mr. Montgomery stated he have definitive proof of the fraud, but... isn't there's always a "but" in something like this? The "but" was that if the former Mrs. Montgomery, we'll just call her Erica from here out, and her unnamed co-conspirator publicly admitted their fraud on the courthouse steps, on a specified date he, Mr. Montgomery, would settle for a mere hundred thousand dollars cash - case closed.
"Well since we're still following this story, obviously there was no public admission on the courthouse steps. Interestingly enough, the date specified by Mr. Montgomery would have been the Montgomery's wedding anniversary. Evidently, it was a slow news day, and a crew was tipped off to the intended antics of Mr. Montgomery and the possible whereabouts of Erica Montgomery. Charles was filmed on the courthouse steps calling out "Erica, oh Erica, come out come out from under your rock."
Erica was successfully tracked down and interviewed. Erica informed the reporters present that Charles was a recovering alcoholic who had evidently fallen off the wagon and landed on his head. Erica suggested that Charles was mentally unbalanced and needed treatment. She said that Charles's children were worried about him. There are, by the way, four Montgomery children who live with their mother.
"The lawsuit slowly wound it's way through the legal process. Legal observers had stated that it was looking rather dim for Charles. Then came bombshell number one and that was when this case was catapulted into the public eye and has remained there ever since. We're going to break for commercials, but when we come back, actual video from Charles Montgomery's day in court. Stay tuned."
Estella Greenwood held her smile until her cameraman signaled "off-air." He stepped around from behind the camera and glared. "What the fuck was that all about? "You're looking quite hot Ms. Greenwood... mind if I lick the side of your face?"
"Oh Gary, he didn't say that..."
"Bullshit Es." Gary paced back and forth. "Is it over or isn't it?"
"It's over sweetie. I swear it. Sam was just a distraction while we were apart... that's all. Once we got back together... there's only been you. I love you Gary."
"I just... I just don't know. The break was your idea and the next thing I know you're screwing around with Mr. Perfect-smile.
"But I'm with Mr. Perfect-cock — now. I guess I'll just have to prove after the broadcast. I'll prove to you I'm the only woman for you Gary. Light's blinking let's get ready. How do I look?"
"Totally fuckable... and we're just about ready to go back up in five... four... three...
"Welcome back to Day In Court TV, Estella Greenwood reporting. Charles Montgomery was a forty four year old man, recently divorced from his former wife Erica. They shared custody of the four Montgomery children and Mr. Montgomery was up to date on all of his financial commitments regarding child support. Charles had accused his ex-wife and an unnamed co-conspirator of defrauding him; he was claiming one million dollars in damages. Well Charles finally got his day in court in what looked like a hopeless case. This was a hearing to see if sufficient proof justified a trial. We have video of the dramatic revelation that took place that day. We apologise for the quality of the video as it's a home handheld home camcorder. It begins with Erica's lawyer talking to the judge. I think you'll find that this more then speaks for itself. Those viewers with young children should know that very adult situations are described within this clip.
Lawyer: "Your honor this is a classic example of a frivolous lawsuit - how much longer will our time be wasted? Mr. Montgomery has not produced the smallest shred of credible evidence regarding the "alleged" fraud - can we all just go home, please?"
Judge: "Mr. Montgomery. I have to agree with your ex-wife's counsel. Unless you have something concrete..."
Charles Montgomery: "I have Your Honor. A few years ago a co-worker of mine, Mike Browner, got married. As a young boy Mike had the German measles and due to the ravages of that disease; he was sterile. The guys, by that I mean his co-workers, thought it would be funny - well it seemed funny at the time - to present Mike and his bride with our sperm. See one of the guys had a sister who was a nurse at a fertility clinic and we all agreed, that we would and um... well, you know donate to the cause so to speak. We paid extra to have the clinic label the samples and test them for overall quality. We gave Mike the vials at his bachelor party. He thought it was pretty funny. We all had a really good laugh.
"Then Mike started reading off our names and the clinic's assessments of our
sperm quality. I was surprised to end up last - according to the clinic
I was sterile. Now all my co-workers knew that I have four great kids so everyone laughed and said I shouldn't have given a sample if I'd already had a vasectomy. They all thought I just wanted an opportunity to masturbate..."
Lawyer: "Your honor, please! For the sake of the decorum of this court!"
Judge: "Mr. Montgomery..."
Charles Montgomery: "I'm sorry your Honor but this is very important information. Your Honor, as I said I am a father of four, Well I've never had a vasectomy and now I find out that I'm sterile? I went back to the clinic and asked them to re-test me — that sample came back sterile. Then I went to a urologist - sterile again, he insisted that I had probably been sterile all my life. I went to a second urologist who specialized in male infertility. These are copies of those reports your Honor. The second urologist agreed with the previous one - I was sterile and likely had been all my life.
"Your Honor I am suing my ex-wife for fraud as I cannot possibly be the biological father of our children. Four kids whom I love dearly and who are themselves innocent victims of a heinous, immoral crime. Innocent children that I couldn't have possibly fathered."
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" ("Estella Greenwood here, that scream was Erica Montgomery as she finally understood what Charles was claiming.")
"Your Honor, needless to say I was distraught. I was depressed. But I also knew that I had to do something. I had to be certain so I sent away for paternity test kits to be absolutely sure that I was not the biological father. Here are the tests I took. The tests were conclusive — there is no possible way that I am the biological father of my children.
"However, the tests did indicate one man was the biological father. Needless to say, I went a little crazy during this period. I became obsessed with finding out who Erica was screwing around with behind my back. I started to surreptitiously collect DNA samples of every male I could — remember all those poker parties I hosted Erica; friends, neighbors, family members? It took me a while but my efforts paid off."
"You had your chance Erica. You could have kept this quiet. Now everybody is going to what you did and what kind of wife you are."
"Your Honor I'm dropping this lawsuit and I'll be filing a new one - I want ten
million dollars now. Against my ex-wife and the mastermind of this conspiracy to cuckold and defraud me..."
"No Charles. Please don't do this. It'll kill him." Erica Montgomery's face was a mask of anguish.
.... There is more of this story ...