Chapter 20: Things that mean nothing

My hands were torn up and dry, I was exhausted, but the patio looked nice. I guess. There was much more to putting it together than I thought there would be, but Tom seemed pleased with the end product. No one stuck around to see if his wife would be, too. Except Seth, I noticed. He didn't leave when everyone else did. This made Dave paranoid, and as we headed home he made Luke reassure him some more. Luke did, but he also mentioned that Angela's next boyfriend would probably be a real one, so Dave should act soon, or just forget about it. I had to agree, but didn't say anything. There was too much on my mind to get drawn into their conversation, at least until Luke dropped Dave off. I wanted Luke to drop Dave off so I could start questioning him about Seth. Unfortunately, Luke decided to bring Dave home with us, and I had to wait.

The two of them were so busy arguing over whether or not Dave should ask Angela out at Rick's party that neither of them noticed me slip away. I ended up in the basement again, and I took my second shower of the day. I would have said that I needed this one more than the first, but trying to wash Aaron off had seemed pretty important at the time.

As I wiped the steam from the mirror and looked over my reflection, my eyes fell to the hickey on my neck; and as I moved my fingers over it, feeling my pulse beneath, it seemed so much worse than the bruise that was still on my face. I think that's because I was a little disgusted with it--and with myself, for thinking that if things had been different, I might have been a little happier to have that hickey.

As I dressed and went to my room and my thoughts drifted to Aaron, I couldn't help wondering where he was, or what he was doing. Before I could stop myself, I even wondered if he felt bad over what had happened the night before. I wondered what had been going through his mind. I wondered if he really meant the things he said. As I stretched out on my bed, I wished that I had something that reminded me of him, so I could either destroy it or stare at it and try to remember what I ever saw in him that wasn't a result of physical attraction. I wondered if the big knot in my stomach was there because I missed him. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours yet. That notion seemed kind of pathetic to me.

Aaron was bad news. There was no doubt about that. But still... I couldn't help wondering about him. I couldn't help the way that my head was suddenly full of daydreams as I imagined seeing him again, him apologizing. Is that what I wanted? An apology? I didn't really know, and that was frustrating.

My mother unexpectedly entered my mind. She hadn't been around long enough for me to tell her about my first boyfriend. I wondered what she'd say about Aaron if she was around. I wondered what she would have thought of him when I first met him, and what she would have thought of him now. I wondered what she'd tell me if she knew how I felt right now. I wondered what she'd think of Luke. My mom would have liked Luke. I know she would have. She would have liked that he was a friend to me, when I didn't have anyone else. She would have liked him because he had the ability to make people smile. I doubted there was anything about Luke that my mom wouldn't like. I wondered what she would have said to me if I told her about how Luke and Seth had seemed way too cozy today. Given the kind of person Seth was, I doubted that she'd approve. She'd probably be worried about the same thing with Luke and Seth that she would have been worried about if she'd seen me with Aaron. She'd be afraid that Seth would get Luke into trouble, hurt him the way that Aaron hurt me. Maybe that's what I was worried about, too.

I found myself reaching under my bed, feeling around until my hand came over the top of the familiar box, my fingers searching what I knew to be smooth, shiny red paper, feeling the slight indentation of where my mom's handwriting was. Maybe I would open it before my birthday. That's what she would have wanted. My mom would have expected me to have opened it by now. But now, I couldn't. With everything else going on, that box scared me, or at least, what I would find in it scared me. Part of me thought that for the time being, I was better off not knowing. But that still didn't stop me from lifting the box as I turned over on my bed, placing it on my chest and then trying to guess what was in it. It wasn't something store-bought. I already knew that much. It was something personal. Maybe that was why I was so afraid of it. It was something personal, from my mom.

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to picture her face. Sometimes, if I saw her smile, only for a moment, it would make everything bad just go away, and a moment felt like a lot when that happened. It didn't work this time. I could hear Dave and Luke. They were downstairs now. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but they had obvious happy tones in their voices. I wondered when I would feel happy like that. It irked me to realize that the last time I'd spent the majority of one day smiling, was with Aaron at the water park. That had been the best time I'd ever had with him. I reached for the phone, and started dialing his number. I was on the second half of it when I realized what I was doing and hung up. No more Aaron. That was final, and I'd just have to keep reminding myself of it. There were other things to focus on besides Aaron, anyway, like Luke, and what he was thinking when it came to Seth.

Maybe I was a little worried that Seth was beating Luke at the game he started, and would ultimately do something despicable; but the more I thought about that, the more it didn't make sense, at least where Luke was concerned. Luke would probably know better. Something told me that he wouldn't put himself in a situation where he could get burned like that, especially after Aaron. Hell, I wasn't eager to ever put myself in that situation again, either. Maybe if I had listened to the warnings, and gone with my gut every time something struck me as off with Aaron, last night never would have happened.

My bedroom door abruptly started to open and I sat up, pushing my mom's present back under the bed in the process. I didn't really feel like discussing with anyone why I didn't want to open it. I looked back up just in time to see Eddie step into my room, his eyes falling on me in the process.

"How do you feel about cheesecake?" he asked.

...

As it turned out, I liked cheesecake. It was one of the deserts that I had once a year, usually with Grandma Alice, because my mom hated the stuff. But, I figured cheesecake wasn't the main reason why Eddie had asked me to go up to the kitchen with him to help eat a few slices of the one he'd brought home from his lunch with Jase and his friends.

The sliding glass door was open, Jase, Luke and Dave outside, making sure all of the lights were working for Rick's party, and trying to figure out if the barbecue grill had enough propane. Eddie seemed uninterested in this as we stood on opposite sides of the counter. He was more interested in me as I sliced my food with a fork, trying to decide if I wanted to eat the filling and the graham-cracker crust together or separately. I had a feeling I knew what was on his mind, I was just waiting for him to bring it up--not that I really wanted to talk about it.

"Can we talk about what happened last night?" he finally asked.

Nope, still didn't want to talk about it.

"I guess," I replied, beginning to feel nervous. Maybe that's because this time, Eddie didn't seem nervous at all. More like determined.

"Okay, what happened last night?" Eddie asked. "I mean, the guy who brought you home--Seth..."

I couldn't help rolling my eyes. I wasn't exactly up for another sex talk. Jase had been almost impersonal and informative the night before; he just gave the facts. Eddie was assuming that I'd become 'active' with someone I'd never even touched before. That was just aggravating.

"Listen," I said, hoping I could end this before it started. "I'm sorry about last night. It's just, I heard you and Jase talking about me like that, and..."

"Rory," he cut me off. "I'm... sorry about that. I don't do well with some things, okay? I mean, with talking. It can be a little intimidating, especially with you. Obviously, it was easier for you to talk with Jase than me about some things..."

"Did Jase tell you that?" I suddenly demanded, wondering if Jase had given Eddie details of our conversation. Even if Jase had done most of the talking, I'd been under the impression that it was a private conversation. It was easy for me to feel betrayed.

"No," Eddie replied, and the confused look on his face had me feeling a little better. "Jase didn't have to tell me that. I know you're not comfortable coming to me to talk."

"Oh," I said, suddenly wondering if I should feel guilty that what he was saying was true.

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing," he said quickly. "It's understandable, given the circumstances. I'm hoping that sometime in the future, you'll be able to come to me if you need to talk. We're just getting to know each other, Rory. I've made some mistakes, thinking that you can't handle some things, but obviously it was me who couldn't handle it. I think it's going to take a while for both of us to get used to each other."

"So maybe for a while... we can just stick to what we're comfortable with?" I suggested.

"Yeah," he replied. "I can agree to that, as long as, you know, every once in a while we can test those limits?"

"You're going to test those limits now, aren't you?" I asked ruefully, and Eddie smiled at me.

"You learned something from Jase last night? I mean, you know how to be safe and all that?"

I sighed, not even feeling comfortable enough to answer that question, but managed to nod.

"Good," Eddie replied, nodding. He sounded relieved. I wondered if that was because I'd learned something, or because it meant we didn't have to have the talk. "But, back to this guy who brought you home last night--where was Luke?"

"Did you ask Luke?" I asked nervously. If Luke had lied to Jase or Eddie about me being with him last night, there was no way I wanted him to get in trouble for it.

"I'm asking you," Eddie replied seriously.

"You know, it's not really fair for Luke to have to chaperone me everywhere I go," I said, suddenly feeling defensive. "I mean, does he have to be with me everywhere I go?"

Eddie shook his head, still looking calm and determined.

"No."

"Okay, 'cause, he wasn't with me last night," I admitted, showing no fear, or as little as possible. "I asked him to drop me off at the park with... some friends."

"You were at the park last night?"

"No," I said, after a moment of debating. "Luke dropped me off at the park, and I went to a party." I noticed a slight frown in Eddie's brow when I mentioned party. "But, I didn't like the stuff going on there, okay? I mean, it's not like I'm into any of it. It's all just stupid, anyway."

"I take it there were no adults at this party?"

Well, there were legal adults, but I doubted that Eddie wanted to hear what kind of adults they were.

"It's not like I didn't try to leave," I said defensively. "I brought the phone, and Luke gave me his number in case I wanted to leave, but the stupid thing wouldn't work." I tried to look as horrified as possible. "There was a girl's butt on the phone in the apartment, but even if I could have gotten it I don't have any numbers memorized. I had to get a ride home with Seth, and everyone else was drunk, I think. I didn't drink," I added, for good measure, and then fell silent as Eddie spent a long time staring at me.

"I think you did the right thing," Eddie finally said.

"I did?"

"I take it you won't be going to any more parties with these friends?"

"It's not likely."

"Then you definitely did the right thing. But hey, I want to make sure you know that you have more than just Luke to call. If you ever need to get out of a situation like that you can call here, too, Rory. I... or Jase, we'll come get you, and no one is ever going to get upset because you were trying to do the right thing. So make sure you have all the numbers you need the next time you go out. Are we clear?"

"We're clear," I agreed, deciding that things could have been worse.

"So, do you like this Seth guy?" Eddie suddenly asked. Obviously, there was still time for things to get worse.

"Um..." I wondered how to go about explaining to Eddie that I hated the guy but let him drive me home, anyway.

"Did you... invite him over here tonight?"

"What? No, I didn't," I said quickly, as if I were defending myself from a horrible accusation. "Why would I do that?"

"For the party..."

"Oh that. Um... about that, I had a question."

"Sure."

"Would it be okay if I didn't go?"

"I thought you said you were okay with it being here," Eddie replied, suddenly looking concerned.

"I am," I said quickly. "It's just... I'm kinda tired, after this morning. And, since it's not going to be downstairs anymore... I mean, is it okay if I just hang out down there tonight?"

"I guess so," Eddie replied, still looking confused. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I lied. "I'm fine."

...

It was after four o'clock when Luke barged into my room. I probably wouldn't have noticed, being half asleep and all, if he hadn't made himself comfortable, sitting on my stomach. I grunted as my eyes snapped open, and he laughed at me when I glared at him.

"I can't let you do it," he said matter-of-factly.

"Do what?" I asked, trying to wake up.

"Stay down here all night. Eddie said you don't want to go the party. What the fuck is that?"

"Luke." I groaned.

"Look, I get the whole mourning process is kinda required after a breakup. They say that it takes half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them, so I figure it'll take you, what? A week and a half to get over Aaron. Less, I think, because he's Aaron."

"Luke..."

"Okay, that wasn't exactly supportive," he admitted. "But you have to come upstairs. No way are you going to sit down here and mope when you could be up there having fun. Plus, I bet Rick twenty bucks you could hold your breath longer than he can. I'll give you half if you do it."

"Luke..." I shifted under his weight, trying to make it easier to breathe underneath him.

"Rory, if you stay down here all night, so will I. Then you get to feel guilty because I didn't have any fun."

It was an empty threat, and he knew that I knew it, but it still made me smile.

"Look, I appreciate it and all, but I'm fine. I'm tired, anyway. Look, I've just had enough parties for one weekend, okay?"

Luke slid off my stomach, allowing me more breathing room, but he didn't leave. Instead he stretched out on my bed, leaning on an elbow so that he was facing me and we were only inches apart.

"This isn't going to be like the last party," he insisted. "You'll actually want to be at this one. If you let yourself. And, you won't have to think about Aaron. Come on, Rory. Please? It won't feel right if you don't go. Plus, it's right upstairs, so you can't not go."

I stared at Luke, stretched out comfortably on my bed, as if this were a daily occurrence for him, and got the feeling that he wasn't just going to go away. It made me wonder where I was going to be when the party did start.

"Luke..."

"Rory. I have the next three to four hours to convince you to come upstairs. And, you will go. If you keep arguing with me you won't even get in your nap first."

I couldn't help smiling at Luke's ability to be confident--even if it was to the point that it was annoying.

"I'm having a bad day, Luke."

"It can still get better," he pointed out.

I cocked my head at that, watching as his blue eyes studied me, and I wondered if he knew exactly how bad my day was going.

"Do you like Seth?" I suddenly blurted. "I mean, maybe I don't have a right to even care after Aaron, but..."

For Luke's part, he didn't so much as blink at the question. Instead, his brow knotted as he continued to look at me.

"Is this an attempt to change the subject?" he asked suspiciously, and I shook my head.

"Today with Seth, I thought you were trying to show Angela he was a jerk, but then..."

"Actually, I wanted Angela to figure out he was more interested in guys--if he in fact was. I figured if she figured out he was a jerk, too, it would be an added bonus. But, turns out she already knew he was into guys, and I've gotta level with you--he's not such a jerk. At least, that's what I thought."

I finally sat up, terrified of what Luke would say next. He didn't follow me. Instead, he turned onto his back and locked his fingers behind his back as he looked up at me.

"But," he said, and it was the best but that I'd ever heard. "That doesn't mean I trust him. He did some pretty fucked-up things with you--I mean, it seems fucked-up. I don't know if he's still hung-up on Aaron, though. I mean, I brought up his name three times today, and it was, like, every time Seth found a reason to walk away or change the subject. Something doesn't add up here, Rory. I don't know, maybe you should try to talk to the guy, figure out what really happened. It might make you feel better."

At that moment, talking to Seth was not something I wanted to do, or even cared about. There was something else that seemed more important.

"So you're really not... interested in him? I mean..."

"Nah," Luke shook his head. "He's not really my type, and definitely way too shy."

Seth, shy? Now that, I couldn't believe.

"Besides," Luke continued. "There's someone else I kind of have feelings for, and until I'm over that, I'm not really looking for anyone, anyway."

This was new. Luke never mentioned to me that there was someone he was interested in, and it definitely piqued my curiosity.

"Who?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter," Luke replied.

"Why not?" I asked. "Seriously, who is it?"

"I'm serious, too. He's not interested, trust me."

...

Something told me that Luke was used to getting his way. He was probably always happy about it, too. At least, he was when he got me to go upstairs with him. He tried to talk me into wearing the one speedo I had, reasoning that he'd wear one too. That, I didn't go for, but I did change into swim trunks before we went up, and he seemed satisfied enough with that.

Eddie seemed happy that I'd changed my mind, too, and Luke and I helped him form ground beef into piles of hamburger patties. Eddie explained that Jase was driving Dave home so he could get what he needed. He also mentioned that if Jase started talking to Dave's mom, he'd probably be late in getting back.

"Okay," Luke said, facing off with Eddie, as Eddie handed me another chunk of meat to work with. "We'll keep down our music if you and Jase promise not to stare out the window the whole time. You'll make people nervous."

"How about you keep the music down, and we'll look out the window whenever we want."

"Eddie, come on!" Luke whined, and Eddie laughed.

"Can't you just trust us not to embarrass you?"

Luke considered this.

"No," he decided, and Eddie laughed again.

"We'll check in, but we won't crowd you," Eddie promised. "But, you make sure no one's running around the pool. I don't want this night to end with a trip to the emergency room."

"Okay," Luke agreed. "Oh... and can you guys keep Chey inside with you? I don't want her getting freaked out by all the people."

"She can stay upstairs if you want, or just leave her in the basement," Eddie suggested. "She should be fine. We should get the coolers out of the garage for the drinks. If this thing is going to be outside, it should stay outside."

"Except for bathroom breaks," Luke reasoned.

"They can use the one in the hall," Eddie responded, meaning the one closest to the kitchen.

"So how many people are coming again?"

"Brian called around today, and not including us, he's got thirty-four."

Eddie sighed. I think he'd been wishing that the number would have gone down.

"I don't want any police officers showing up at the door, Luke."

"We're in the middle of nowhere," Luke pointed out.

"Still, it seems like a lot of people. Just promise me things won't get out of hand. If anyone shows up that you guys don't know, or didn't invite..."

"We've got it covered," Luke insisted. "I'll get Brian to get them out of here. People don't argue with Brian."

Given his size, that was something I could see, even if Brian wasn't really intimidating at all.

"Alright," Eddie replied, still looking a little uncertain. "Why don't you go get the coolers. Are we going to have to run out for ice?"

"Probably," Luke replied. "But, we can ask Jase to pick it up on his way back."

"I'll do that," Eddie responded, and a moment later they were both leaving me to deal with the hamburger. I'd just placed another patty on the pile in front of me when the phone started to ring. I didn't move to get it, thinking that Eddie was close to it, anyway; but when he stepped into the kitchen with his cell phone at his ear, looking at me as if he wanted me to answer it, I quickly washed my hands and moved to the nearest phone.

"Hello?"

There was no response. I figured that whoever it was had already hung up, and I started to do the same, but stopped when a quiet voice came from the other end of the line.

"Rory?"

I knew that voice, and it instantly had my entire body going rigid as I looked over my shoulder at Eddie, who was still watching me as he spoke to Jase. I turned away from him and spoke in a hushed voice, hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"What do you want?" I demanded.

"What do you think," Aaron replied. "I want to talk to you. You totally fucking ditched me last night, and..."

"Excuse me?" I retorted. "Do you even remember what happened last night?"

"Rory..."

"Don't call me anymore," I cut him off. "We're finished, Aaron."

I hung up the phone, fuming, and suddenly feeling very shaky. That wasn't a call I'd expected to get anytime soon, and it had managed to leave me more pissed off than anything. I made sure to control my reaction, avoiding Eddie's eyes as I went back to the meat, and he was off the phone a few moments later, ready to help again and regarding me curiously from across the counter.

"Who was that?" he asked.

I looked up at him, feeling trapped for a brief moment before I shrugged and said, "Some guy. He had the wrong number."

"Okay," Eddie replied, seeming satisfied. As for me, I was angry--and rightfully so, I thought. I'd never actually expected Aaron to call, but I had imagined it. But nowhere in my imagination had I ever thought for a second that he'd turn the tables and act like he should be pissed because I ditched him. Hell yes, I'd ditched him. He deserved it, too. And, I'd do it again. He's lucky that Eddie was in the room with me, or I might have let him know exactly how pissed off I was. I probably would have mentioned that I was disappointed his voice wasn't an octave higher after what I did to his balls, too. Fucker. "I'm glad you changed your mind," Eddie suddenly said, pulling me from thoughts that were doing nothing to control my temper. "You'll probably have a lot more fun out there with everyone else than you would downstairs."

"Yeah, probably," I admitted, now hoping that the crowd would help distract me from the phone call I'd just gotten.

Eddie must have noticed something in my tone, because he spent the next several moments studying me closely as I pretended I didn't see him doing it while I smashed more meat in my hands.

"I think this is enough food," I mused. "I mean, it's a lot of food."

"You're right," Eddie replied. "I think that's enough for now. We can freeze the rest of the meat. You want to put these plates in the refrigerator?" I nodded, and began to transfer the plates full of hamburger patties over to the refrigerator, while Eddie began to wrap up the rest of the meat. "So, I know I asked earlier, but are you okay?" Eddie suddenly asked. "You seem kind of down."

"I'm okay," I said quickly.

"Have you been talking to your grandma again or something?"

"No... I'm kinda taking a break with her. Look, I'm fine, okay? It's just been a long day."

"Okay," Eddie replied, and I was grateful when he let the subject drop.

...

If anyone ever told me that I'd enjoy flipping burgers, I would have thought they were crazy, but around eight thirty, when more than just Dave, Brian, and Rick showed up, and I started to help Luke on the grill--I liked it. I liked that I was off in my little own corner, able to watch everything without actually having to participate, unless people were coming to me for food. Luke liked it, because it freed him up to do something he did very well: socialize. But, he didn't just go off and party, and leave me on my own. Every few minutes he was at my side, helping to pass out plates and making sure that I was having a good time.

And, I think I was having a good time. This party wasn't at all like the one Aaron had taken me to. It wasn't like being trapped in a little apartment where people were puking all over each other. There was plenty of room, and with the pool lights on, and the porch light, there was plenty of light, even as the sun started to set. The pool was a little crowded, but that could have been because it was a warm night, and with an evenly mixed crowd of guys and girls, everyone seemed eager to strip down and get in the water. Jase and Eddie were in the kitchen for about the first half hour, looking out the window and getting dirty looks from Luke, but eventually they went down to the basement, deciding it was the quietest place in the house. People began to notice they were gone around the same time I was reminded that Luke was a wrestler when some of the guys there decided that it was the perfect time for practice; and Luke joined in almost immediately, laughing when he'd managed to toss his opponent into the pool. Of course, someone bigger was shoving Luke over the edge a moment later, but he didn't seem to mind.

Around the pool, a few girls were flashing, never losing their tops entirely, probably worried about Jase or Eddie returning. Most of the guys around the pool seemed to enjoy their efforts, nonetheless, and although I wasn't included in this number, the antics were fun to watch. Besides, it seemed to inspire a few guys to show off their assets, too. Lots of asses. Couldn't really complain.

I slowly started to noticed that more than soda was being passed out. I wasn't sure how the banned beverages got past Jase and Eddie, and I couldn't say who brought them, but I noticed even Luke didn't mind making his drink more interesting. But, unlike the other night, it didn't seem to bother me so much. Things here were just more... comfortable.

Brian and Cathy were making out like crazy, but couldn't seem to figure out where they were the most comfortable, so every time I turned around they were in a different spot. Rick was happy, because he was the center of attention, and Meg, who'd been clinging to him at the beginning of the night, was now seated with a different guy every time I spotted her; and Luke had gone streaking around the pool, earning himself an ample amount of attention from guys and girls alike, but had his shorts back on just before Jase stepped outside for a few minutes to check on us. He asked me if I was having a good time, being stuck at the grill, and after I assured him that I was having a better time than even I thought I would, I handed him a plate of burgers for him and Eddie and he disappeared into the house again.

A girl I hadn't met before asked me to go in the pool with her, but I declined, and had just handed her a hamburger when I spotted Dave coming towards me, dressed in blue swim trunks that probably hadn't even been in the water yet.

"I heard you joined the club," he remarked.

"What?" I asked, honestly confused.

"You know, the one where we all hate Aaron and want to do questionable things to him," Dave explained.

I couldn't help smiling at that. I was currently so pissed off at Aaron Keslin that I was ready to latch on anyone who thought he was an asshole.

"I guess so," I admitted, although saying it out loud, didn't feel as good as I would have liked it to.

"Hey... so, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was giving you a hard time about it before."

"You're not sorry."

Okay, I'm not about that," Dave admitted. "But, Luke told me what happened last night, and I'm sorry about that. Want me to kick his ass for you?"

I looked at shy, awkward, terrified-of-a-girl Dave and nearly laughed out loud when I realized he was completely serious. I guess like Luke, he wouldn't mind finding another reason to want to beat the crap out of Aaron. Although, with Luke I got the impression that the whole thing had more to do with sticking up for me than anything else. In a way, it was touching. Dave just seemed to be looking for an excuse. That was less flattering, but I think it was also his way of trying to make peace with me.