I was sitting in my office happily contemplating the idea of $100 a barrel oil when my door flew open. My name is Bubba Mitchell, James Elbert Mitchell if you want to be all formal about it. In the door stormed Lucille Marshall and JP Witherspoon. Lucille is a formidable woman. She stands almost six feet tall and has flaming red hair. Her daddy, Big Paul, had made a lot of money in cattle and oil and Lucille was his only heir. JP on the other hand was a quiet sort of fellow... until you got him mad. JP was short, about 5' 6" and kind of mousey looking like I say until you got him mad. It sure seemed like he was mad today.
They plunked down in the two chairs across from my desk and Lucille began, "Damn it Bubba, you got to help us. You are the sneakiest, shiftiest, most conniving son of a bitch in town and you absolutely got to help us!"
Well that kind of start sure had my attention. Usually when she was mad at me Lucille added words like "deceitful and degenerate" to her description of me. I kind of pushed back in my big leather chair and calmly asked, "Lucille what the hell do you and JP mean busting into my office yelling like that?"
Lucille told me to excuse her French but she had found out that her sorry asshole husband Fred had been doing a horizontal tango with JP's wife Mary Alice. Unlike Lucille JP was ready to kick Mary Alice out on her butt with nothing more than the nothing she had when he married her. Lucille on the other hand admitted that Fred was a sorry good-for nothing but she loved him but thought he needed a lesson.
I asked if she was really sure that Fred and Mary Alice were really getting it on or was it just something she suspected. Lucille said that she was sure. She had found a pack of rubbers in Fred's pocket when she was doing the wash and wondered why. She said she had her tubes tied when their last baby was born and had been "surgically safe" over 10 years. After thinking about those rubbers she hired a private detective and he brought her pictures and videos of the two cheaters doin the dirty deed.
Now I will admit to having the kind of mind that sees things a little different than most folks. I am not sure I would call myself "the sneakiest, shiftiest, most conniving son of a bitch in town" but I might be up there pretty close.
As It turns out, Fred and JP were partners in a little used car business. JP took care of the office and Fred was the salesman. I have heard it said that Fred could sell iceboxes to Eskimos and venom to a rattlesnake. The words slippery and sleazy were coined with Fred in Mind. When I need to do some creative thinking I have to clear my mind so that was my first objective.
I told Lucille and JP to come on and we went outside and jumped into my Jeep. It is a 1952 CJ-3 with 4-wheel drive, a gun rack in the back, and a winch on the front. My grandma bought it not too long before she died with the firm understanding that it was to be mine when she was gone. I keep it in good condition and for cruising the back roads and hill country it can't be beat. It also helps make some of those city slickers from Dallas and Houston think I am just a dumb country boy.
I have found that a little violence with a smidgen of danger clears my mind very effectively. We drove out of town about 10 miles to a place of brush, rocks, and snakes. I grabbed my Marlin .22 lever action rifle and we proceeded to separate a bunch of snakes from their heads. I am good with a rifle but Lucille was better. My daddy always said that gun control was being able to hit what you aim at and Lucille sure some more gun control. After about an hour of cleansing my thought processes, I was ready to do some scheming. We then headed back to my office for some comfortable chairs and a couple of Lone Star longnecks.
Back at the office I asked the two of them if they wanted their revenge fast and mean or slow and painful. Slow and painful won out by a long stretch. I sat in my big brown leather chair and pondered slow and painful revenge. After about 3 Lone Stars, a plan came to mind. I told Lucille and JP the plan had three parts: catch 'em, forgive 'em, and revenge 'em! What I wanted was for JP and Lucille to show up at the motel about 30 minutes after the lovebirds had their next rendezvous. JP would bust down the door and Lucille would take a few pictures. There would be all kinds of hell raising and threats and eventually forgiveness.
Well, two weeks later it happened. JP rented a crane with a wrecking ball and took down the door and part of the wall. Lucille stepped through the dust and splinters and started taking pictures left and right. Fred and Mary Alice tried to crawl under the bed but there wasn't enough room and finally had to settle for pulling up the sheet over their faces. I sure did wish that I had been there.
There was definitely a lot of tension in the air at JP and Fred's Auto Mart for the next several weeks. Fred was really trying to sell a lot of cars because he was worried about the cost of a divorce while JP was making sure that all Fred's paperwork was EXACTLY right.
On the two home fronts there was a lot of apologies and promises to never do it again. JP and Lucille had their spouses sleeping in separate beds and getting their meals down at the diner. This all continued for three or four weeks until it was time for phase 2... FORGIVENESS!
Lucille let Fred back into her bedroom and started cooking his meals again. There were even a few romantic dinners in Dallas and San Antonio, all seemed quiet in the Marshall household. The Witherspoons took a little longer to reconcile but before too long there was talk of a trip to Hawaii to rekindle their marriage. All appeared peaceful at home and down at the Auto Mart.