Chapter 1

Tony and Pruett can probably best be described as a couple of likable louts in their mid-twenties, who haven't grown up. As we join them this particular evening, Pruett, already half-drunk, is about to make one of his infamous prank calls.

He signaled for all to be quiet, and because they enjoyed his weird sense of humor, the rest of the beer guzzlers gathered in Hobie's Bar mumbled among themselves for a moment and then went silent.

Pruett: "Hello?"

Other Person: "Hello, Burger King. How can I help you?"

Pruett: "Is this the manager?"

Other Person: "No, let me get her for you. One moment, please."

Manager: "Hello, Adele McPherson. I'm the manager. How can I help you?'

Pruett: "Well, Mrs. McPherson..."

Manager: "It's Ms... Ms. McPherson. But call me Adele."

Pruett: "Adele, this here is Officer Staley Longboat, with the State Police out in LunsfordCounty." (Note: The adjacent county.) "And I believe you have in your employee one Sue Ann Bromley."

Manager: "That's correct, officer, um, I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

Pruett: Officer Staley Longboat, Ms. McPherson... I mean, Adele."

Manager: "Yes, Officer Longboat. Sue Ann works here.

Pruett: "Well, Adele, what I have to say is highly confidential. We have reason to believe that a drug dealer over here in LunsfordCounty is using your employee to carry illegal drugs across county lines."

Manager: "Sue Ann? I can hardly believe it. Why, she's one of my best workers."

Pruett: "Well, the best workers raise the least suspicion, and so they tend to make for a good courier. That's what we call them. The Feds call 'em mules. But here in Lunsford we ain't so fancy."

Manger: "But Sue Ann? What? How?"

Pruett: "Are you willing to help us?"

Manager: "Of course. It's everyone's duty to help uphold the law."

Pruett: "Good. Now here's how you can help us."

Manager: "I don't want to hurt Sue Ann, Officer Longboat."

Pruett: "You want to do your duty as a citizen, don't you?"

Manager: "Well, yes."

Pruett: "Then at the very least listen to our request."

Manager: "I can do that. Of course I can do that."

Pruett: "Good, now we've been keeping an eye on Sue Ann, but we don't have conclusive evidence of her carrying drugs."

Manager: "I see."

Pruett: "Well, no, Ms. I mean, Adele, you don't. 'Cause without us performing a very basic test on Sue Ann, we don't know nothing positive, one way or the other."

Manager: "I'm not sure I follow you."

Pruett: "Adele, with your capable assistance, we can test Sue Ann right now, over the phone."

Manager: "Shall I call her over to the phone?"

Pruett: "No, that won't be necessary. What I'd like you to... are you alone in your office?"

Manager: "No, I'm at the back of the store. I can put you on hold and use the phone in my office if you like."

Pruett: "That would be perfect. I'll hold while you head for the office."

Manager: "I'll only be a moment."

"This is going pretty good," Pruett said to his audience of about eleven bar patrons and solitary bartender.

Manager: Hello? Officer Longboat?"

Pruett: "Yes, I'm here."

Manager: "Okay, I'm in the office. We have privacy."

Pruett: "Good. Here's the plan. Please listen carefully. We're going to confront Sue Ann about carrying the drugs. You can invite her into the office and I'll tell you what to say. You will be able to tell from her actions if she's guilty or not."

Manager: "How's that?"

Pruett: "When you ask her the questions I give you, you'll soon see."

Manager: "Well, if you say so."

Pruett: "Call Sue Ann on in."

Manager: (Heard opening office door and calling someone, then telling them to send Sue Ann to her office.) "She'll be along in a minute, Officer Longboat."

Manager: "Sue Ann, c'mon in here. Got a couple things I want to ask ya, sweetie."

Pruett: "Can you hear me, Adele?"

Manager: "Yes... yes, I can."

Pruett: "Okay, tell her we know that she's been carrying illegal drugs across the county line."

Manager: "Sue Ann, I've got the State Troopers on the phone here. They tell me you've been carrying drugs back and forth across the county line."

Pruett: "Adele, she's only carrying them one way. Don't confuse her right off."

Manager: "Oh, right. I'm sorry, Sue Ann, I meant carrying drugs across the line, the county line."

Sue Ann can be heard in the background: "What! What drugs?"

Manager: "They've been watching you, Sue Ann. Watching you with them drug dealers and all."

Sue Ann: "I don't believe this. It can't be happening."

Pruett: "Adele, she's gonna deny everything right off."

Manager: "Yes, I can see that."

Pruett: "Let's try this. You sure no one can see in your office?"

Manager: "I am."

Pruett: "Demand that she take off her uniform. If she has nothing to hide, she'll do it."

Manager: "Sue Ann, I'm afraid I have to ask you to take off that uniform."

Sue Ann: "Am I fired?"

Manager: "No, you're not fired. I have to test you."

Sue Ann: "By stripping?"

Manager: "You wearing anything under it?"

Sue Ann: "Of course I am."

Pruett: "Of course she is."

Manager: "C'mon, we haven't got all day."

Sue Ann: "It's ten o'clock at night."

Manager: "Don't get huffy with me. Come on, take it off."

Sue Ann: "Okay, okay. Just don't touch me."

Pruett: "There! Right there. Now that's evidence!"

Manager: "What?"

Pruett: "She may be wise to the test. I just don't know. Her not wanting you to touch her and all. Can't say for sure, but we'll sure enough find out soon."

Manager: "Okay, Officer Longboat, her uniform is on the floor."

Pruett: "Just for the record, Adele, just what is she wearing?"

Manager: "Hmmm, Sue Ann, what do you call them things you're wearin'?"

Sue Ann: "You mean my thong?"

Manager: "I guess, that a pair of panties or something?"

Sue Ann: "My God, ain't you never seen a thong before? Well, this here thing around my tits is a bra. God knows what all you wear."

Manager: "Don't sass me, girl."

Pruett: "Can you hear me, Adele?"

Manager: "Yep, loud and clear. This here girl sure looks like a carrier."

Pruett: "You think? Well, get close to her and give her a good sniff. Tell me what she smells like."

Manager: "Let's see..."

All hell breaks out. Sue Ann screams out when Adele approaches and starts sniffing at her. The patrons in the bar can no longer contain themselves, and Pruett is screaming into the phone, "Smell her pits! Smell her snatch! That's where she carries them drugs, Adele! Right there... in her snatch!"

One blonde-headed girl, laughing hysterically, tosses the remainder of her beer at Pruett. The bartender shrugs, and turns away to watch the local news on the TV at the end of the bar.

And then after taking a bow, Pruett disconnected the phone, and picked up his beer and waved to a local girl at the end of the bar. Tony, also laughing, grabbed Pruett in a bear-hug and wrestled him to the floor, screaming, "Body search, body search! He's carrying; I swear to God, he's carrying!"

Pruett, now pinned to the floor by his buddy, called out to a passing brunette of questionable virtue, while trying to get a look up her skirt, "Hey, Trudy, any chance of getting laid tonight?"

"Fuck off, Pruett," she replied good-naturedly and went looking for her pool cue.

Several beers later, Pruett and Tony, having struck out with all the local feminine talent at Hobie's, were intent on getting drunk before closing time.

"Christ, I can't seem to drink my beer before another one shows up," Pruett groused.

"Asshole," Tony smirked, already well on his way to getting smashed. "We're getting 'em two at a time."

"Yeah? So... I mean, I'm drinking this one here," he held up a bottle of beer as an example, "and lo and behold, another one shows up."

"Didn't you hear me, asshole?" Tony said. "Bartender's been carrying four beers at a time over to us. It seems you tickled somebody's fancy with that stupid prank on Sue Ann, and they paid for a shit-load of beers for us."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah... is right."

"Then tell me this, Mr. Smart-ass," Pruett said semi-belligerently. Pruett never reached the point of full blown belligerency, never had, never would. "So tell me," he said, "Somebody's buying us all those beers, why are we still paying for 'em ourselves, huh?"

"Um, I ain't bought a beer for quite a while now, Pruett. You bin doing all the buying."

"I have?"

"Yeah, you have."

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"It was your money, not mine. I stopped telling you what to do after you whipped my ass in high school."

"I may have to whip your ass again."

"Well, let me know when, and I'll stay home that day."

"Fair enough," Pruett said laconically.

"Tell me, Pru, why'd you pick on old Sue Ann, huh?"

"'Cause she blew that rotten son-of-a-bitch, Scrapple, that's why."

"She blew Scrabble?"

"S' what I heard," Pruett said, and belched into the air.

"You ask her to blow you?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean, sort of?"

"Other night I asked her if she'd go out with me," Pruett said, and belched again.

"Did she say she'd blow you?"

"No. She turned me down, said she'd rather die an old maid before going out with the likes of me."

"So you didn't ask her for a blow job," Tony said, beginning to act like a prosecuting attorney.

"Oh, but I did. Asked her if that meant a blow job was still in the range of possibility. She spit at me. Never did say yes or no. So when she took up with that rotten son-of-a-bitch, Scrapple, I just knew she blew him out of spite."