Welcome all, to the first episode of Cheezy Sexual Theatre 3000!
Right out of the box, we have a stinker of biblical proportion. The green fog of death from the Ten Commandments can't hold a candle to the deadly combination of cliché, poor grammar, and just plain god-awful writing in this story. I don't know how we survived it.
Notice that we? That's right, I'm not the only poor fool suffering through a story of less than stellar merits. FallingToFly has made the ultimate sacrifice and joined me in enduring this woeful tale to rip it to pieces, as it deserves!
For now, the original author shall remain anonymous. The mystery of who mangled good sense, sex, and the language in this tale shall be revealed at its conclusion.
All characters in the original story are 18 years or older, and are completely fictional.
Grab some popcorn, and prepare for the pain!
Turn down your lights
I was lying around in bed one day (I work nights) on my day off.
Les: Oh, lord, first person. I know what's coming, Dear Penthouse Letters...
I had just barely begun to regain consciousness and was annoyed because there were at least five other people in the front room with my roommates making a bloody godawful racket.
Les: Please donate to the Comma Conservatory Foundation, they're obviously an endangered species.
I was about half pissed off, but decided to say to hell with it because I really needed to be getting up anyway. I decided to lay there for a while and get completely awake before I got up and started into what I had to do that evening.
Les: Well, at least he's decisive. He's deciding things every three seconds here.
Falling: Decisively indecisive... only half pissed off? That's called ANNOYED... pissed is sort of like pregnant- you either are, you're in the process of getting there, or you AREN'T!
I lit up a cigarrette and listened to the bullshit in the front room.
Les: Geesh, does he kiss his mother with that mouth. Wait, I won't go there, don't want to give him any ideas for a sequel.
Falling: Yeah, because it's perfectly feasible that the upcoming sexual escapade is going to be enjoyable for her with both morning breath and cigarette breath, right? Medic! We need a Tic-Tac, STAT!
Les: singing Smooooke from the weirdo!
It had quieted down a bit, and I was dismissing my plan to go stomping to the bathroom in a few minutes in a silent protest to the noise. Just as I was putting out my smoke, I heard my roommate Dave say something along the order of "let's go!".
Les: The capslock key doesn't seem to work, but those punctuation marks are jumping right out there!
Then the door opened and I heard a car start. I peeked around the edge of the blanket hanging over the window and watched Dave's car pulling off. There were at least 2-3 other people in the car, but I didn't see his old lady Jenny in the car.
Falling: Wtf is that? What, you couldn't spare an "or" in there? You had to use a dash? Come on now... have SOME mercy on us! We've already read this much!
I listened for a minute or three and could hear at least 3 female voices, one of whom was Jenny, talking in the front room. They were talking real quiet and occasionally giggling or laughing.
Les: They was talkin' real quiet-like, like they was huntin' wabbits, Ahuhuhuhu!
I just ignored them and decided I really didn't feel like getting up yet anyway.
Les: See, I told you he was decisive!
I set my alarm, which was about to go off, for an hour later. Then I flipped on the fan and lay back down.
My underwear chose to start riding up almost as soon as I lay down.
Les: Geesh, even his Fruit-o-the-looms are decisive!
I had always slept nude before, but the new roomies had this annoying habit of walking in with little more than a quick rap and I had started wearing them to bed. I was not in the mood to deal with it, so I pulled them off.
Les: Here it comes, cue 70's porn music! Bop chikka bow, chikka bow bow!
Falling: I can add nothing to that, except maybe reach over and flick on the lava lamp while I pass the popcorn, Les.
Not long after that, as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Jenny talking.
"Oh, come on Lori! We're just going to ride around for a while! The guys are all out screwing around, so we can have a girls night out. They said they'd be gone till midnight, so we can stay out for a couple of hours and they'll never know we were gone! Besides, you need to find yourself a new stud since that jerk off was fucking around on you. How long has it been... 3 weeks? Your vibrator must be getting overworked."
Les: Cue rebounding hottie who hasn't been shagged in a few weeks!
That was news to me. Lori was a very attractive blonde friend of Jenny's.
Falling: With D cup jugs and an ass like a bubble, an 18-inch waist, and she weighs about 105. We KNOW... could you be anymore obvious? Let me guess- she loves family gangbangs, double penetration, Elvis, and 18" black cock as well?
So far as I had known, she and her boyfriend were still together. That's what comes of working nights. The world passes you by. I hadn't been out with a girl in months myself, and it had been longer since I'd had sex. Small towns and night shift do not contribute to one's social life.
Les: What a surprise that he isn't getting any. With such a sunny disposition, you'd think the girls would be crawling all over him. Tugs his kilt Is my sarcasm showing?
"Forget it. I'm tired and I just got back from mom's. I was in the car for thirteen hours yesterday and all I want to do is sit here on the couch and relax. Go ahead, I'll cover for you if the guys come home early or something.", I heard Lori say.
"Sure?", Jenny asked.
"Yeah, I'll just watch some t.v. or something. I really don't feel like riding around tonight."
"Okay. We'll be back at... what time is it now... 8:30... We'll be back at about 11:30.
Les: Any more dots in that sentence, and it would have been in Morse Code. Speaking of which,... --...
That will give us some time and should get us home before the guys get back. If they come home early, tell them we had to run to Amy's house for something if it's still too early, or tell them we went for some cokes if it's close to 11:30.", Jenny said.
"Right. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.", Lori said.
"What exactly is that?", Amy asked with a laugh.
"Don't turn the stereo up to loud. Jason is in the back asleep.", Jenny said as I heard the door open.
"He's home?", Lori asked.
"Yeah, been home all day.", Jenny replied.
Les: Hey, what's with all this asked and replied stuff! Why break up a perfectly monotonous barrage of saids like that, I was so enjoying it!
"Fuck, I'm suprised he hasn't been out her bitching. All that noise earlier should have woke him up.", Lori said.
Les: Yow! Two words- spell check buddy!
Les: Or maybe this story is putting him to sleep, I know it's having that effect on me.
"Usually, he sleeps like the dead. Odds are you could have the t.v. all the way up and he'd sleep through it.", Jenny said.
"I'll keep it down. Have fun.", Lori said.
"Bye Bye!", Amy said as I heard the door shut.
Falling: What are these girls, fifteen year old cheerleaders? Not even my three year old chirps out "Bye-Bye" anymore! And come on, riding around? I did that is high school- I grew out of it by the time I could get into clubs.
I pulled a pillow up onto my forhead and kicked the sheet off my legs. It was hot as hell and light was shining in my eyes through a crack I hadn't yet found a way to seal off in the window. Then I tried to relax and fall back to sleep.
I heard the t.v. kick on. I was drifting off and heard the channells flipping. Then apparantly she hit the VCR. Dave had apparantly had a porno in the VCR, because I heard moaning coming from the speakers for the few seconds the tape was on.
Les: Apparantly, he's never heard of a thesaurus or a dictionary either.
Falling: Oh no... it's... it's... SPREADING! Now Les is mispelling simple words as well!
Les: Who's miSSpelling? chuckles and ducks
Then it and the t.v. shut off.
"Just what I wanted to see...", I barely heard Lori say.
A few seconds later I heard her again, "Shit, they took all the damn cigarrettes!"
Les: Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking causes you to be incapable of spelling the word cigarette.
After a few seconds of rummaging around in the front room, I heard footsteps coming down the hall. A quick stop and the bathroom light flipped on. A few seconds later the computer room light flipped on. It was right next to my room at the end of the hall. She looked around for a bit then said, "Shit.", again.
Les: Is he having an out of body experience here? This guy should be in the CIA if his hearing is this good.
"Wonder if he's got any laying around where I can grab one without waking him up?", she said and walked back into the hall.
Falling: Hens do the laying... LYING is the word you were looking for, sweetness.
Les: She's doing an awful lot of talking to herself here, Down Cybil!
I played possum and listened to her standing outside the door, obviously listening. Then the door handle rattled a bit.
Les: I told you his hearing was good, he can hear her standing still!
.... There is more of this story ...