Welcome all, to the first episode of Cheezy Sexual Theatre 3000!
Right out of the box, we have a stinker of biblical proportion. The green fog of death from the Ten Commandments can't hold a candle to the deadly combination of cliché, poor grammar, and just plain god-awful writing in this story. I don't know how we survived it.
Notice that we? That's right, I'm not the only poor fool suffering through a story of less than stellar merits. FallingToFly has made the ultimate sacrifice and joined me in enduring this woeful tale to rip it to pieces, as it deserves!
For now, the original author shall remain anonymous. The mystery of who mangled good sense, sex, and the language in this tale shall be revealed at its conclusion.
All characters in the original story are 18 years or older, and are completely fictional.
Grab some popcorn, and prepare for the pain!
Turn down your lights
I was lying around in bed one day (I work nights) on my day off.
Les: Oh, lord, first person. I know what's coming, Dear Penthouse Letters...
I had just barely begun to regain consciousness and was annoyed because there were at least five other people in the front room with my roommates making a bloody godawful racket.
Les: Please donate to the Comma Conservatory Foundation, they're obviously an endangered species.
I was about half pissed off, but decided to say to hell with it because I really needed to be getting up anyway. I decided to lay there for a while and get completely awake before I got up and started into what I had to do that evening.
Les: Well, at least he's decisive. He's deciding things every three seconds here.
Falling: Decisively indecisive... only half pissed off? That's called ANNOYED... pissed is sort of like pregnant- you either are, you're in the process of getting there, or you AREN'T!
I lit up a cigarrette and listened to the bullshit in the front room.
Les: Geesh, does he kiss his mother with that mouth. Wait, I won't go there, don't want to give him any ideas for a sequel.
Falling: Yeah, because it's perfectly feasible that the upcoming sexual escapade is going to be enjoyable for her with both morning breath and cigarette breath, right? Medic! We need a Tic-Tac, STAT!
Les: singing Smooooke from the weirdo!
It had quieted down a bit, and I was dismissing my plan to go stomping to the bathroom in a few minutes in a silent protest to the noise. Just as I was putting out my smoke, I heard my roommate Dave say something along the order of "let's go!".
Les: The capslock key doesn't seem to work, but those punctuation marks are jumping right out there!
Then the door opened and I heard a car start. I peeked around the edge of the blanket hanging over the window and watched Dave's car pulling off. There were at least 2-3 other people in the car, but I didn't see his old lady Jenny in the car.
Falling: Wtf is that? What, you couldn't spare an "or" in there? You had to use a dash? Come on now... have SOME mercy on us! We've already read this much!
I listened for a minute or three and could hear at least 3 female voices, one of whom was Jenny, talking in the front room. They were talking real quiet and occasionally giggling or laughing.
Les: They was talkin' real quiet-like, like they was huntin' wabbits, Ahuhuhuhu!
I just ignored them and decided I really didn't feel like getting up yet anyway.
Les: See, I told you he was decisive!
I set my alarm, which was about to go off, for an hour later. Then I flipped on the fan and lay back down.
My underwear chose to start riding up almost as soon as I lay down.
Les: Geesh, even his Fruit-o-the-looms are decisive!
I had always slept nude before, but the new roomies had this annoying habit of walking in with little more than a quick rap and I had started wearing them to bed. I was not in the mood to deal with it, so I pulled them off.
Les: Here it comes, cue 70's porn music! Bop chikka bow, chikka bow bow!
Falling: I can add nothing to that, except maybe reach over and flick on the lava lamp while I pass the popcorn, Les.
Not long after that, as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard Jenny talking.
"Oh, come on Lori! We're just going to ride around for a while! The guys are all out screwing around, so we can have a girls night out. They said they'd be gone till midnight, so we can stay out for a couple of hours and they'll never know we were gone! Besides, you need to find yourself a new stud since that jerk off was fucking around on you. How long has it been... 3 weeks? Your vibrator must be getting overworked."
Les: Cue rebounding hottie who hasn't been shagged in a few weeks!
That was news to me. Lori was a very attractive blonde friend of Jenny's.
Falling: With D cup jugs and an ass like a bubble, an 18-inch waist, and she weighs about 105. We KNOW... could you be anymore obvious? Let me guess- she loves family gangbangs, double penetration, Elvis, and 18" black cock as well?
So far as I had known, she and her boyfriend were still together. That's what comes of working nights. The world passes you by. I hadn't been out with a girl in months myself, and it had been longer since I'd had sex. Small towns and night shift do not contribute to one's social life.
Les: What a surprise that he isn't getting any. With such a sunny disposition, you'd think the girls would be crawling all over him. Tugs his kilt Is my sarcasm showing?
"Forget it. I'm tired and I just got back from mom's. I was in the car for thirteen hours yesterday and all I want to do is sit here on the couch and relax. Go ahead, I'll cover for you if the guys come home early or something.", I heard Lori say.
"Sure?", Jenny asked.
"Yeah, I'll just watch some t.v. or something. I really don't feel like riding around tonight."
"Okay. We'll be back at... what time is it now... 8:30... We'll be back at about 11:30.
Les: Any more dots in that sentence, and it would have been in Morse Code. Speaking of which,... --...
That will give us some time and should get us home before the guys get back. If they come home early, tell them we had to run to Amy's house for something if it's still too early, or tell them we went for some cokes if it's close to 11:30.", Jenny said.
"Right. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.", Lori said.
"What exactly is that?", Amy asked with a laugh.
"Don't turn the stereo up to loud. Jason is in the back asleep.", Jenny said as I heard the door open.
"He's home?", Lori asked.
"Yeah, been home all day.", Jenny replied.
Les: Hey, what's with all this asked and replied stuff! Why break up a perfectly monotonous barrage of saids like that, I was so enjoying it!
"Fuck, I'm suprised he hasn't been out her bitching. All that noise earlier should have woke him up.", Lori said.
Les: Yow! Two words- spell check buddy!
Les: Or maybe this story is putting him to sleep, I know it's having that effect on me.
"Usually, he sleeps like the dead. Odds are you could have the t.v. all the way up and he'd sleep through it.", Jenny said.
"I'll keep it down. Have fun.", Lori said.
"Bye Bye!", Amy said as I heard the door shut.
Falling: What are these girls, fifteen year old cheerleaders? Not even my three year old chirps out "Bye-Bye" anymore! And come on, riding around? I did that is high school- I grew out of it by the time I could get into clubs.
I pulled a pillow up onto my forhead and kicked the sheet off my legs. It was hot as hell and light was shining in my eyes through a crack I hadn't yet found a way to seal off in the window. Then I tried to relax and fall back to sleep.
I heard the t.v. kick on. I was drifting off and heard the channells flipping. Then apparantly she hit the VCR. Dave had apparantly had a porno in the VCR, because I heard moaning coming from the speakers for the few seconds the tape was on.
Les: Apparantly, he's never heard of a thesaurus or a dictionary either.
Falling: Oh no... it's... it's... SPREADING! Now Les is mispelling simple words as well!
Les: Who's miSSpelling? chuckles and ducks
Then it and the t.v. shut off.
"Just what I wanted to see...", I barely heard Lori say.
A few seconds later I heard her again, "Shit, they took all the damn cigarrettes!"
Les: Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking causes you to be incapable of spelling the word cigarette.
After a few seconds of rummaging around in the front room, I heard footsteps coming down the hall. A quick stop and the bathroom light flipped on. A few seconds later the computer room light flipped on. It was right next to my room at the end of the hall. She looked around for a bit then said, "Shit.", again.
Les: Is he having an out of body experience here? This guy should be in the CIA if his hearing is this good.
"Wonder if he's got any laying around where I can grab one without waking him up?", she said and walked back into the hall.
Falling: Hens do the laying... LYING is the word you were looking for, sweetness.
Les: She's doing an awful lot of talking to herself here, Down Cybil!
I played possum and listened to her standing outside the door, obviously listening. Then the door handle rattled a bit.
Les: I told you his hearing was good, he can hear her standing still!
The way the pillow was sitting on my forehead, I could see a limited frame of the room. Since my eyes were adjusted to the dark and her's weren't, my eyes were hidden and I watched her standing there for a moment.
She walked quietly into the room, I was able to see every move she was making. Her eyes must have gotten slightly adjusted, because she started to stare at something.
I had flipped the sheet off me a bit earlier, and all of one leg and my ass were out from under the covers. There was just the faintest hint of pubes revealed as well.
Les: Huh Huh, He said pubes...
Falling: Oh yeah, now we really know it's going to be hot sex... the pubes have been revealed! Haven't you ever heard of less being more? Trim, for the love of cheesy porn!
She was staring at this and the bulge nearby where my naked cock lay under the sheet.
She stood there staring for a minute, then whispered, "Shit, Jenny wasn't lying."
Les: Does this girl ever think anything? It's no wonder she got dumped if she can't even shut up when she's alone.
She hesitated for a few minutes, then whispered my name a couple of times.
Les: For a few minutes? That's a bit more than a hesitation, that's a catatonic state!
She got slightly louder each time she said it. On the third one, I got mischevious and rolled a little bit.
My seven inch cock dropped from it's hiding place beneath the sheets into full view.
Les: There you go, ruining a perfectly good cliché! NINE inches! It should always be nine inches! Keep the utter unbelievability factor steady.
Lori let out a quiet little, "oop!", of suprise. Then I watched her lick her lips and make a little "mmmmm..." noise.
She got daring then, and walked right next to the bed. She knelt down and was close enough I could feel the faintest hint of her breath brushing my prick. I concentrated on keeping my cock from getting hard, as I was supposed to be asleep.
Now she was close enough that I only had one eye open just a slit, as I figured she might be able to see my eyes. She was looking up toward them, but didn't seem to notice anything.
Les: Including the haze of cigarette smoke still hanging in the room, I suppose.
She blew out a slow concentrated stream of air at my cock. It twitched a bit as I fought down the urge to get hard. She covered her face and muffled a laugh in her hands.
Then she reached out and lightly brushed the head of my prick with her fingertip. I rolled a bit, trying to seem to be still asleep.
Les: Imminent erection and feigned sleep, we get it already!
She pulled her hand back and I shut my eyes completely as she looked up toward my face.
A few seconds later she reached out and ran her finger up and down my cock. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to fake sleep if she kept that up, so I stirred.
I pulled the pillow off my face and "groggily" looked around for a few seconds.
"Lori?", I mumbled, then faked suprise and covered my cock up with the sheet and sat up, "What are you doing in here?"
"Well, I came in looking for a cigarrette, but I think I found something I'd like a whole lot more in my mouth.", she said with a quiet giggle.
Les: I think even a b-grade porn producer would have nixed that line.
I turned the lamp on it's lowest setting, still blinding us both for a few seconds. I tried to look still groggy and half asleep.
"Everybody will be gone for a couple hours at least.", she said and stood up beside the bed, "I don't think we'll be disturbed."
Les: You're already disturbed, Cybil. You talk to yourself constantly. Seek professional help.
She then proceeded to pull her shirt up over her head. It was quickly followed by her jeans, then her bra and panties as I watched with a smile.
Lori had straight blonde hair that came down to about her shoulders and perfectly framed her face. She had blue eyes and lips,
Les: Blue lips! Quick, anybody know the Heimlich?
Falling: And today's hottest lipstick shade is... ASPHIXIATION!
that while couldn't really be called full, were not thin either. Her breasts were large, but not so large that they didn't stand out all by themselves. Her nipples were small by comparison, and the aureoles were very light in color.
She had a sexy trim waistline, and I knew for a fact she had a perfect little heart shaped ass. I'd seen it enough through her tight jeans to know that. Just meaty enough to look good without being to big. Perfectly proportioned to her figure.
Falling: Can we please get a broom to sweep up all these fragments? Please? They're cutting my eyes and making them bleed!
Les: Clean up on aisle eight!
Her pussy hair was trimmed down short, a blonde so light it was nearly invisible. I could see the line of her opening easily through it even in the low light.
Falling: Opening? What the hell? An opening line? Either this is a cheesy bar pick-up, or a Broadway play, right?
She ran her hands from her face down to her breasts, cupped them for a second, then down her sides to end by framing her pretty little pussy. Then she raised her knee and climbed into the bed.
Les: It's not particularly silly, it's only a forward aerial O'Brian half turn every alternate step.
Naturally, by this time I was rock hard and perfectly outlined by the sheet over me. Her hand caressed me through the sheet for a moment, then pulled it away. I pulled her up into a kiss as she continued to rub my throbbing cock.
Falling: Ewww. The very thought of the taste of that kiss is making me gag.
I then pulled her up so I could suck those big sexy tits. Lightly sucking and caressing them with my hands, I switched off a couple of times as she moaned slightly and continued to slowly run her palm over my prick.
"Mmmm... you do that good.", she said and snatched another long french kiss, "Most guys want to maul a big set of titties."
Falling: Little girl, I have a feeling you couldn't get mauled by a bear. They have standards out in the woods, you know!
"I believe that all breasts, large or small, deserve equal treatment.", I said with a smile.
Les: Smooooth operator, he's a smooth operator!
Falling: Wonder if he learned his lines from Micheal Jackson, and just substituted "male or female" with "Large or small?"
She looked down at my cock then said, "I thought Jenny was shitting me, but I guess not. She'd said you were this big, that she'd caught a glimpse one day when she walked in here. I couldn't believe it, because I hardly ever saw you with a girl. It was hard to believe that a big hunk of meat like this could possibly be going to waste.", she then leaned in for another kiss. She also wrapped her hand around my shaft and started to slowly stroke it.
Les: Welcome to Ditzy's Deli, today's special is the hunk o' meat.
"One of the bad things about night shift, sort of cuts in on the social life.", I said as soon as she let my tongue slip from her warm lips.
"So, it's been a while?", she asked and kissed my chest.
"Yeah, quite a while as a matter of fact.", I said and stroked her soft blonde hair.
"Well, we better get rid of that pent up load of cum hadn't we?", she said with a coy grin and started sliding down my body to position her head over my cock.
She took my heavy balls in her hand and rolled them lightly, putting the thumb and index finger of her other hand around the base of my cock and standing it straight up.
She then licked up and down my shaft and balls for a few minutes, and culminated this by swirling her tongue sexilly over my cock helmet.
Les: Here we go with that few minutes thing again. I think we can add obsessive/compulsive to multiple personality disorder at this point.
This brought a clear drop of pre-cum to my slit, which she licked off with the tip of her tongue.
She then licked her lips, wrapped a hand around the base of my cock, and sucked my prick into her warm mouth.
Falling: Because gods know, it had to taste better than his mouth.
The first suck was slow, edging agonizingly toward her slowly pumping hand at the base. Then the same thing all the way back up. Her cheeks were sucked in and every inch of my prick inside of her was in contact with her warm moist mouth until her lips came off the head with a slight wet smacking sound.
Falling: She has seven inches worth of mouth cavity?
Les: There are enough adjectives and adverbs in that one paragraph for a half dozen stories.
She then started sucking in earnest. She alternated between full strokes down to her pumping hand and giving me an amazing head job. She would suck on my cockhead while twisting her head side to side and swirling her tongue over the swollen purple flesh. She moaned intermittingly as she did it, adding to the sensations.
I wasn't going to last too long under this sort of pressure, no matter how bad I wanted to, "I'm going to cum before long...", I grunted.
Her lips slid from my dick just long enough to say, "Cum in my mouth, I want every drop of your hot cum. I want to swallow all your hot sticky cum.", then started back in.
Les: The porn star flips her script, "Who wrote this crap. There is no way I'm saying something this ridiculous!"
Falling: Damn, you beat me to it. Want another tequila shot? I think we may need them...
A few seconds later I was at the point of no return. I said, "I'm gonna cum...", in clipped grunts.
She just kept sucking and a few seconds later I exploded in her mouth.
Les: He exploded? Thank god, the end! Roll credits! And here I thought I wouldn't like how this turned out!
My cum was coming out in thick spurts, and by the second one, some of it was running out from around her lips as she continued to suck up and down on my pulsing cock. She pulled her hand from my prick and sucked the entire length up and down, swallowing my jism.
Les: Damn, I got my hopes up for nothing. He didn't just say jism did he? Pass that barf bag, flutterbug.
Finally, I stopped firing and emitted a few gasps as she continued to suck my hyper-sensitive prick.
Falling: Stewie moment: "This is my rifle, this is my gun! This is for fighting, this is for fun!"
Finally, she let me escape with a moan and a wet smack of her lips. A stream of my sticky semen trailed from her lips to my cock head as she pulled back. She licked up the last few remenants, then licked her lips as my prick softened.
"I thought you were going to blow the back of my head off... that was some load.", she said in a husky voice.
Les: All these tantalizing hints of imminent demise, and none of them pay off. sigh
"That's the hardest I've ever cum from being sucked off.", I said quietly as I collapsed back with my eyes closed.
"Now it's my turn.", she said and parted her nether lips with the fingers of one hand, "I'm soooooo hot! Eat my pussy!".
Les: The O key must be sticking. I really don't want to think about why...
I opened my eyes and lay her down on the bed. I put my hands on her knees and she spread her legs wide in front of me. Then she parted her pussy lips again and I could see the wetness gathered between them.
"Oh, god, eat me!", she gasped.
Les: Nah, that's okay, I just had some Chinese, but thanks!
Falling: Ooooh! Chinese food! Man, they cook a mean Cocker Spaniel...
I didn't need to be asked twice and let the scent of her aroused flesh draw me down into the V of her legs. I lapped lightly at her pussy lips for a few seconds, then probed a bit deeper. Then I sucked her pussy lips between my own questing lips. Finally I probed into her with my tongue, getting a full taste of her gathering juices.
Falling: oh jesus... three lips and two probeds- get this man a thesaurus. I'll volunteer to throw it at his head!
Les: I'll load up an online one, the computer will do more damage.
"Lick my clitty.", she said and began to caress her breasts, rubbing the nipples with her fingertips.
I sucked at her pussy and slid my tongue toward her clit. She gasped as I made contact and slowly swirled it with my tongue.
"Oh, yes! Mmmmm... you eat pussy good!", she said and leaned up to look at my face buried in her muff.
Les: Snatch that pussy, put it in a box, and mail it to Muffistan! He's running the gambit here...
I parted her pussy lips with my fingers and tongue fucked her as deep into her simmering sex cauldron
as I could for a few seconds, then went back to lapping and sucking at her lips and clit.
It wasn't long before her hands found the back of my head and her legs started to close around my head, "Oh yes! YES! Lick my pussy! Make me cum! I want to cummmmmmmm...", she said as her fingers started to twist in my hair.
Les: Her fingers do the Twist, what does her pussy do, The Monkey?
I shoved a finger deep into her honey hole
and started stroking it in and out while I lapped at her clit. Her breathing became heavy. A gasp on each inhale and exhale. Her legs tightened around me and her hands knotted into my hair.
Les: Simmering sex cauldron. Honey hole. What, no bearded clam? How about cooter cleavage?
"Oh, oh god yes. Oh, Oh, Oh, Yyyyes! I'm cumming!", she said and her body arched beneath me.
Les: As if she doesn't babble enough, we have to listen to every tiny little sound she makes here too? Does anybody have some duct tape handy?