Off To The Stars

by Dark Intentions

Copyright┬ę 2006 by Dark Intentions

Humor Sex Story: Carl barley accidently steals a flying saucer. He parleys it into a good thing.

Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa   Science Fiction   Time Travel   .



All of us have heard about the notorious place called Area 51. You've heard about it but Uncle Sam says he's never heard of it. Anyway this story is about what happened to one of their super secret things; I almost called it a plane but it wasn't really a plane that got away. It was more like the things in the pictures that the UFO nuts put out. Since the government denies that Area 51 even exists they naturally won't authenticate this story. If anyone knows the whereabouts of this craft the government will pay for the shipping to get it back... maybe. It has to be in good working order.

Chapter One

Carl Barley looked around the corner of the bus terminal. He had to figure out a way to get on that bus and get out of Las Vegas. Carl shifted the revolver to a more comfortable position. He looked all around him, watching to make sure that no cops were in the area. Since he shot that cop over on the strip and took the cop's gun Carl knew that every cop in the country was looking for him. Carl had been wise enough to take the cop's belt also. That meant he had about thirty bullets for the revolver.

Carl sat down on the concrete to rest for a minute. He had been running for two days now; ever since he had broke out of the Las Vegas jail. What he was convicted of four days ago was minor compared to his usual crimes. He had stuck a few things in his shirt in a convenience store and the Asian shopkeeper started yelling and Carl had knocked him out. A woman in the store started dialing her cell phone and began yelling that a robber had just killed a storekeeper. Hell, Carl only knocked the guy out.

It was only a few minutes before there were more cops on the street than citizens. Carl didn't have a gun at that time and he was arrested before he got two blocks away from the store. When he was brought back to be identified by the shopkeeper the old woman started yelling and kicking Carl. He butted her with his head and knocked her out too. You would have thought that he killed somebody. The cops knocked him down on the ground and started beating him.

After they had him rolled up in a ball to keep the cops from doing serious damage, Carl was thrown into a cop car for an escorted trip downtown. Apparently one of the cuffs wasn't snapped too well and when he was thrown in the cop car the cuff opened on his wrist. Carl didn't say a word about the sloppy police work; he just let it slide. No sense pissing the cops off.

A young cop got in the car and they began the trip to the station. As soon as they were away from the crime scene Carl put his hands around the young cop's neck and began the choke him. They wound up jumping the curb and coming to a rest inside a Dunkin Donuts. The cop was knocked out so Carl took the man's gun and wallet. Hell, he needed some money. That's what got him in this mess in the first place.

Carl cuffed the cop to the steering wheel with the cuffs that used to be on him and began to make his get away. As he passed some old woman that was plastered against the wall and screaming, Carl took the box of donuts out of her hand and ran down the street eating donuts. He turned a corner and ran into a cop and knocked the cop down. The cop went for his gun and Carl shot him in the leg with the gun that he had taken from the other cop. Now he was in deep shit. He had to get out of town and fast. It really wasn't Carl's fault that he had shot the cop; the first cop shouldn't have let Carl take his gun. More sloppy police work.

Carl looked at the bus. It didn't have a company's name on it but there were a lot of guys standing around while the bus driver put their luggage in the luggage compartment of the bus. The driver said something to the men and they all started getting on the bus.

Carl ran to the bus and stood behind it trying to figure out how to get on the bus. The bus driver was looking at some young half-dressed teenager walking across the street. Carl slipped behind the bus driver and crawled in the baggage compartment. If the bus driver looked before he shut the door Carl was a goner. The bus driver didn't look and shut the door. Carl decided that this was a bad idea and began to get out of the other side of the baggage compartment on the other side of the bus. The door on the other side slammed shut and Carl was trapped; there wasn't a latch inside so he could open the door.

Carl hunkered down and soon he felt the bus begin to move. They rode for a very long time and it began to get colder. Carl decided that he'd better get some warmer clothes so he began to go through as many suitcases as he could reach. He quickly found warmer clothes but he also found money and a couple of guns in the suitcases. He stuck the guns in his belt and the money in his pocket. Carl figured that he had found a couple of hundred dollars in the suitcases.

Carl made a bed out of the clothes that had spilled out of the suitcases while he was rooting though them. He dozed off for a while. The squealing of the brakes when the bus came to a stop woke him up. He heard some voices and after a few minutes the bus started moving again. Carl could feel the wind buffeting the bus and that gave him an idea. He had seen Greyhound buses before and when the driver pulled into a station he usually opened the baggage compartment doors on both sides of the bus before he started taking the luggage out of the compartment.

Carl took a bunch of loose clothing and put it against each door. He then piled suitcases up so that if anyone looked in the compartment they wouldn't see him. When the bus driver opened the door Carl would push on the suitcases and the clothes would go flying in the wind. He hoped that all of the men chasing their clothes across the desert would create enough of a diversion to allow him to escape from wherever he was.

After a few minutes the bus came to a stop. Carl got ready. The door to the baggage compartment opened and Carl gave a mighty heave. The clothes started blowing across the desert and the suitcases began to tumble out of the compartment. Carl scrambled out of the bus and saw that no one was watching him; they were all worried about getting all of their clothes back.

Carl hurried behind a building and hid behind and small dumpster. He watched as several pickups pulled up to the bus. Soon there was a lot of yelling going on and he saw that the guys that had pulled up in pickups were acting like cops but they weren't dressed like cops. He stayed where he was because it would be dark in a little while. Maybe then he could figure out where he was and how to get out of here.

After it got dark the place seemed to quiet down. Carl was getting hungry and decided to find out if he could find a vending machine somewhere. He went into the building he had been hiding behind and when he saw what was inside he stopped and stared. They were the weirdest airplanes that he had ever seen. They were all angles and shapes and they looked like some kid had designed them. They definitely would never fly. As he walked to the back of the building he saw a round airplane that someone had apparently taken the wings off of. He looked around but didn't see the wings. They must have sent them out for repair.

Carl found a vending machine against an outside wall and he loaded up on cakes and candy bars. When he passed the Coke machine he bought a Coke with the intention of getting a couple of more later. The change that those guys had in their suitcases sure came in handy. Carl knew he had to get out of sight and get some rest. The only airplane that was open was that round airplane with the wings off of it.

Carl got on the round airplane and saw that it was all lights and gauges and buttons. Someone had put a bunch of gauges on a sheet of metal over top of the funny looking writing on what would be the dash on a car. The airplane seemed to have a hum to it. He sat in the seat and looked at everything. Nothing made sense to him. He had never been in airplane before so he didn't even know what was supposed to be in one. The airplane had a steering thing like he had seen in the movies when he was a kid; only this one had a wheel on the top of it. When Carl touched the steering thing the hum began to get louder and the airplane began to shake just a little. Carl let the steering thing go and the humming quieted down again.

After he had finished all of the cakes and candy bars he decided that he'd better get some sleep so that he could get out of here in the morning. Carl got out of the seat and then closed and latched the door. He figured that this would slow someone down if they tried to get into the airplane. Then he might be able to think of a way out of the airplane without getting caught.

Carl sat back in the seat. The airplane had little windows in front. On the far wall there was a sign that said "Welcome To Groom Lake." He made a note to find out how far Groom Lake was from the nearest town.

Carl leaned his head back on the headrest and was soon asleep. He woke up and saw a urine tube like they had in that hospital that he was in one time. He hoped that it was hooked up because his bladder was bursting. Apparently it was hooked up and he breathed a sigh of relief as he pissed into the tube. After he was done he snapped the tube in its holder.

He began to look around to see if he could figure out what any of the stuff was. On the top of the gauges and buttons was a round thing that was about twice as big as a Zippo lighter. Carl picked it up and it began to vibrate just a little. He quickly put it back.

Suddenly the airplane started to move. Carl stared at the plane for a few seconds. He cautiously looked out of the windows and saw that the airplane was being hauled outside by a tractor. There were several dozen people doing different things in the hanger. Carl hadn't even heard them. Then he realized that he couldn't hear any sounds from outside; the plane was soundproof.

Suddenly the airplane was bathed in sunlight and Carl saw that they were outside. When the tractor stopped, the round thing next to the window fell to the floor and started to vibrate. Carl quickly leaned forward to pick the thing up and he pushed the steering thing forward. Looking out of the windows he saw the airplane jump off of the ground and head up into the sky at an amazing speed. Carl had no sensation of speed and there seemed to be no g-forces when the airplane accelerated. A TV screen came on and he saw a picture of the earth. The picture was like those NASA pictures of a blue globe with white clouds. The earth kept getting smaller and smaller.

Suddenly the inside of the airplane began to glow with a deep green light and then the green light turned to blue. The airplane shuddered and then began to go faster. Carl knew he had to stop this thing or he would never get back to earth. He pulled back on the steering thing and the airplane began to slow down to a stop.

He tried to see where the earth was but there were no windows in the back of the airplane. As he stretched to see the earth he put a little pressure on the steering wheel and the airplane began to turn toward the earth slowly.

Carl sat in the seat and began to slowly turn the steering wheel. Each time the airplane turned just like a car. He turned the airplane around and looked at the earth. It was about the size of a pinhead on the TV screen. Carl sat and thought. He had to figure out how to steer this thing and get back to earth. When he got back he would just turn himself in and take his lumps.

Chapter Two

Carl sat in the seat and looked at everything in the airplane without touching anything. The round thing was still vibrating on the floor so he left it there. He tried to think of what he was doing in an airplane with no wings that flew faster than anything he had ever heard of.

Suddenly it came to him, Groom Lake! That's where Area 51 is. The military has all kinds of secret stuff there. Then he remembered the talk about finding aliens at Roswell. This must be one of the alien spaceships that crashed. He was in deep shit now. The government had always said that there were no aliens and no spaceship.

Carl pushed the steering thing forward and the airplane began to move getting faster and faster. He pulled back on the wheel and it stopped. He found that if he only pushed it forward a little it would go slower. He pushed the stick forward almost all of the way and the earth began to get bigger and bigger. He pulled back and stopped the airplane.

"This is a flying saucer," Carl exclaimed, "I'm the first human to fly a flying saucer.

He played with the flying saucer and soon was handling the spaceship like a pro. When he got into the earth's atmosphere he slowed down to a speed that would be comparable to the modern aircraft flying today. He saw a town that looked like something out of the old westerns and he landed the flying saucer behind a large hill about ten miles from town. There was a road into town on the other side of the hill.

When he opened the door the heat of the desert hit him in the face. It felt great to be back on earth. He decided to ditch the flying saucer and let the government have it back. Wait a minute he thought. It was chilly when I took off in that thing. He looked around; it had to be at least ninety-five degrees.

Carl heard the round thing buzzing and he picked it up and walked out side with it. He turned it over in his hand and examined it. It seemed to have a lens on one side like a flashlight. He pointed it at the hill and tried to squeeze it like those little flashlights he had seen in the toy stores. A funny blue light came out of the lens and traveled to the hill. The hill exploded with a loud bang. Dirt and rocks fell all around him. Carl put the round thing gently on the ground. The thing stopped vibrating.

He sat next to the round thing and stared at it. He reached out and touched it and it started to vibrate again. When he stopped touching it the vibration stopped. Carl picked up the round thing and dropped it in his pocket. The vibration stopped. He smiled; his skin turned the thing on. When his skin wasn't in direct contact with the round thing it was turned off. The round thing must be some sort of weapon. He heard a noise out on the road and looked over the top of the hill to see what it was.

What he saw was a stagecoach coming down the dusty road. There was an old man sitting on top and he was driving the two-horse team. Carl could see a bunch of people in the stagecoach; they must have been the actors for the theme park. Carl figured that he must have come down in a theme park. He went down to the road and stood by the side of the road and began waving his arms. The stagecoach went right by him. Carl grabbed the round thing and pointed it at the horses. He was going to stun them and get them to stop but he must have pushed too hard on the round thing. The horses vaporized and the stage coach rolled to a stop.

The old man that was driving the stage coach turned and began firing a rifle at him. Carl threw himself on the ground. The shots were kicking up dirt all around him. Carl reached in his pocket and pulled out the round thing. He squeezed it and the road in front of the stagecoach exploded. Suddenly the old man threw the rifle into the dirt and put up his hands and started crying. Just then one of the rocks that had been thrown into the air came back down and hit the old man in the head and knocked him out.

Carl pulled the gun out of his belt and advanced toward the stagecoach. He used the stagecoach for cover as much as he could. Damn, he had never heard of a theme park that let the actors use live ammunition before.

He heard a man's voice from inside of the stagecoach, "Watch it, he's got dynamite."

Carl spun around, "Who's got dynamite?"

Then he realized that they were talking about him. They thought that the round thing was dynamite. He moved to the stagecoach and stood behind it with his gun at the ready. It was quiet inside and he peeked around the side to see if they were still inside. They were.

"OK all of you, outside," He yelled in his most terrifying voice. It would have sounded better if his voice hadn't squeaked halfway through.

Two men and two women got out of the stagecoach with their hands in the air. They all seemed to be scared. The youngest guy had shifty eyes and Carl made a point to keep an eye on him.

There was a real pretty young woman and an older woman about 40. Both were built pretty nice.

The shifty eyed one was the first to speak, "I am a representative of President Grant. President Grant will hang you himself if I am harmed."

Carl snickered; the dumb ass didn't even know who the president was. The older woman kicked old shifty eyes in the shins and told him to shut up before I shot all of them. She said something about the President being a drunken lout. Hell, Carl hadn't heard that word in years.

"Where's the park?" Carl asked, "Do they have any pizza joints there?"

They all looked at him like he was crazy.

President Grant takes a dim view of robbers," shifty eyes said, "If you leave right now I promise that I'll forget that this ever happened.

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