Chapter 21

Things were progressing smoothly enough with me. School was going well. I had just learned that my application to Notre Dame had been accepted and approved. Emily and I were having fun together, except for the two times that Shirley had phoned me.

Shirley called within a week of Emily and I reconciling. We both refrained from volunteering or asking about our dating status. I'd say it was a call between friends, except there seemed to be a slight strain or separation in our choice of topics to discuss. We talked about school, family, weather, and our respective Holiday plans. When I told her I'd been accepted at Notre Dame, she said she had hoping I'd pick a school closer to where she lived.

"This doesn't seem right to me, Kenny. Is there something the matter? You don't seem like your normal self."

"No, every thing's fine. Things are different for us now, and I guess we aren't feeling as relaxed as we were with each other before. We're miles apart, and we're both leading totally separate lives now. Before, we had so many shared experiences to talk about. Now, its more like speaking to someone you aren't sure that you really know that well anymore."

"I called because I wanted to keep in touch. We said we would. Did you change your mind about that?"

I hesitated to answer her. It wasn't as simple as she made it sound.

"I know we said that, and I still want us to, but, there's still things now, things that neither of us wants to bring up. I can only tell you that it might still be too soon for us to just be friends again. I don't want to give up, but there's things I'd be uncomfortable talking about with you right now."

We spent another five minutes on the phone, but it was still strained and uncomfortable for each of us. We ended the call saying that we should find a way to be able to talk together without the uneasiness we were feeling.

Shirley called me again the next day. This time, she began talking as soon as I came on the line. It was like she needed to say something before she lost the nerve o say it.

"I called you back again because my mother thought talking to you might cheer me up. Clay and I broke up last week. I didn't love him, but, I liked him a lot, and now there's no one around here for me to go out with. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I forgot to tell you yesterday, but I think I've pretty much stopped growing. I haven't grown at all since the last time we talked. I'm still only six two and a half. Are you still growing?"

"I think I might be. I noticed some of my slacks seem to be a little bit higher up on my shoes than before. I think I might be six three now. See, all that worrying you did was for nothing. I can't believe there aren't a lot of guys taller than me, out there where you live."

"I guess, but I was looking for boy's tall enough for me to have some room to grow, just in case. What I wanted to tell you was it wasn't ever the same with Clay as it was with you, Kenny. He didn't listen to me when I told him what I needed him to do. He wouldn't ever give me the time I needed to get ready. After we would do it, then he'd get mad because he'd ask me, and I'd have to tell him that nothing happened for me."

"I'm going out with someone else now, Shirley. We kind of have an agreement about us seeing other people."

"We're just talking, Kenny. I'm a thousand miles away from Ridgeline. Who is it? Do I know her?"

"Emily Carstairs."

"Emily. Well, at least she lives close to you. Do you love her?"

"I don't think so. I like her a lot, and we can talk to each other. She makes me laugh, and she doesn't get too mad when I'm too busy to spend a lot of time with her. We're good friends right now."

"Good enough friends that you both agreed not to see other people?"

"I guess. We kind of had an incident near the beginning, that's why we decided to do that."

"You don't have room in your life for me anymore?"

"No, I do. I just wanted you to know that I'm seeing another girl, and that we have an understanding."

"What about when Brenda comes home for Christmas?"

"We have the same understanding, and that includes Brenda."

"Does it include Brenda and Emily doing things together?"

"We didn't talk about that. I'm not sure how I'd feel if they did. We said already about Brenda and me though."

"After Clay, I'm even more sorry that we moved. My mother told me that I couldn't have left you before, not if you'd really been the one for me."

"I don't believe in that one perfect person theory. I'll bet you find another boyfriend soon."

"If I do, do you want to bet it will be someone who can make me have orgasms like you did?"

"I don't know enough about it to bet. If you find someone who listens to you, I think so. You need to help him along at first, just like you did with me."

"What would happen if I moved back to Ridgeline? Do you think we would get back together?"

"Is this just a what if question, or is there some reason for you to believe you might?"

"What if."

"I can only answer you this way, Shirley. I won't make a decision like that until after I see you standing in front of me. If you were here, I'd be able to make a quick decision."

"I talked to my father about what you said, but he didn't say much about it. There are problems at the mill though, labor problems, foreign competition, things like that. My father said things will only get worse if new housing starts keep dropping like they have been, and he also said something about the value of the dollar. I heard him talking with my mother, and he sounded really worried."

"You might mention to him that we're up over twenty per cent year over year, and that most of the gain is from vending, which has the best profit margins for us. Our business is strong, and its getting even stronger. My Dad still likes yours, and he can have his old job back, if he wants it. I already asked my Dad. I drove by your old house last week, and I see the for sale sign is still up."

"If I was there in front of you right now, in your room, would you make love to me?"

"Is it a good day?"

"It's a very good day."

"I'd need to go see Emily first, and have a talk with her. I've already hurt her once before, and I wouldn't want to do it again. I can't really say what I'd decide if you were here right now. It would be a really big temptation though."

"You said she was only a friend, and that you didn't love her."

"She is a friend, a good friend, and we have an understanding about some things. I'd go talk to her first, as soon as I knew how I felt when I saw you again. I'd be honest with her, just like I'm being honest with you."

We talked for awhile longer, but it was mostly the two of us making our positions clearer. After I got off the phone, I spent some time thinking about what Shirley had said and asked. When I was done with it, I picked up the phone and called Emily. I asked her if I could come see her and take her over to Uncle Bunny's for a talk.

She was out front waiting when I pulled up. I think she knew by my face that something was wrong. We were quieter than usual on the ride over to my uncle's house. Inside, I took us into the main living room and sat down on one of the sofas. I patted the place next to me, and when she sat down beside me, I took her hand with both of mine.

"Shirley called me today."

"Is she coming back here?"

"I'm not sure. She said something about it being possible because her dad's company is having some problems. My father would like to hire her father back for our company. The house they own here hasn't sold in the five months they've had it on the market. Right now, its only a vague possibility."

"What happens to us if she comes back?"

"That's pretty much what she asked me too."

"Did you tell her about us?"

"Yes. She just broke up with her boyfriend. I told her I was seeing you, and that we have an understanding."

"I've been worried all week, but I thought I was worried about when Brenda gets here. I haven't even been thinking about Shirley."

"Shirley asked me if our understanding included Brenda too. I told her it did."

"Did she believe you?"

"She asked if that included you and Brenda too."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that we hadn't discussed that."

"You told me once that it didn't bother you if I did things with Brenda, that you wouldn't be jealous."

"I remember saying that. I never asked you."

"I thought about what I'd do if she called me and wanted to be friends again. I know she'd only offer to do that because you and I are like we are now, friends again. I don't think I want to see her right now, or anytime soon."

"So, what do you think about Shirley's phone call?"

"Did you talk about other things too, or just about her coming back?"

"We talked about school and family, and she complained about her old boyfriend not satisfying her, because he wouldn't listen or take the time to get her off."

"Did she tell you she wanted you to get her off?"

"She didn't put it like that. She asked what I'd do if she came back, meaning would I stay with you, or would I want to get back with her. After, when I told her I wasn't going to make that decision then, she asked me if I'd fuck her if she was in my bedroom instead of on the phone a thousand miles away. I told her I'd have to go talk to you before I made that decision."

"Is she in your bedroom now? Is that why you're looking so serious?"

"She's in South Carolina. As far as I know, she's going to stay there."

"Do you know what you'd decide, if she was here?"

"I know it would be a tough decision. I'd rather not have to make it before I'm forced to."

"Suppose I told you that you have to decide right now?"

"Is that what you're telling me?"

"Just suppose. Can't you pretend to make a decision, for me?"

"If I had to decide right now, with everything I know right now, I'd choose to stay with you."

"Does that mean you love me?"

"No, it means you're sitting here with me now. I'm not going to decide on Shirley when there's a huge chance she won't be coming back. If she does come back, I'll know more, and I'll make my decision then."

"You mean I'll probably be gone if she comes back to town. Kenny, why did you even tell me she called you? Now, I just have more things to worry about, things that I don't have any control over how they turn out."

"I told you because you should know. I never tried to hide the fact that I loved Shirley a lot when she was here. If I already knew for certain that I'd choose Shirley if she came back, would you want me to tell you?"

"No. I wouldn't want you to tell me. I already get up every morning wondering if this is going to be the day we end it. With you, it has to be day by day. I never know what's going to happen with you. We're just friends. That's what you always tell me. How am I supposed to want to hear you tell me answers like that. I already have a good idea of what they'll be."

"Friends is just a word. You can't describe a whole relationship with one word, Em. It's easier to say we're friends. Shirley and I are just friends now too. I wanted to talk to you about the phone call from Shirley because just her calling affects us. The rest of it, I have no reason for believing it's going to happen. If it did though, I'd come talk to you again before I made any decision. I hope you'd do the same for me. You never made any decisions, at least you never told me you made them. I made my decisions when we got our other situation straightened out, and I told you what they were."

"Are you asking me if I sucked any other cocks since then, Kenny?"

"No, and that wasn't what I meant either. I don't want to make the same kinds of mistakes we made before. I'm telling you what happened, and what I'm planning on doing."

"You aren't telling me what you're planning, you're warning me that Shirley might be coming back here. I have to worry about what will happen if she does come back. Like I said, it's always day by day with you."

"What can I do to make it easier for you not to worry?"

"It doesn't matter. We're just friends. You needed somebody to fuck you while you were between girlfriends. I volunteered, I guess."

"Em, you know that isn't fair or accurate. We don't have to do anything. We are friends first. I'm willing to just be friends, without the sex, if you'd prefer to make it that way."

"Then you have decided. Why didn't you just tell me that from the beginning, instead of beating around the bush about it? At least this time, you told me before it happened. Take me home."

"If I do take you home, our deal is off. I'm not going to be playing this game with you. Nothing has happened, but you're upset and acting like it did. We were doing fine with how things were."

"You were doing fine. You kept all your options open. You said you weren't going to fuck anybody else for awhile. You never said how long awhile is. I guess awhile means until you find someone else you'd rather fuck. It would be easier if you just took me home now, and then we could start all over, with no promises and no guarantees from either of us. You do what you want to, and I'll do what I want to. If you want to do something with me, you can call and ask me. I'll decide if I want to do it or not, when you actually call and ask me."

"You might be waiting a long time for my call, Emily. If you need to talk to me though, you can call me. Are you sure you want to do it this way?"

"I'm sure. Take me back home."

After I dropped her off at her house, I thought about what she had said. Other than our understanding about me not fucking other girls, nothing had really changed. There was the implication that Emily might not be as available to me as I was used to her being, but she had always had that option. She was reacting to what she saw as a threat, or at least a challenge from Shirley. I saw no gain for her with the new way of treating each other. In my limited experience, lower expectations almost always led to less favorable performance. Her timing was poor also. School let out for both of us in less than a week, and we would both be on vacation at the same time. I had been looking forward to taking things easier. I knew this disruption would prevent me from enjoying the time off as much as I would have if Emily and I were still together.

I had been out of school for two days when Emily called me.

"You really aren't going to call me, are you?"

"I might call you. I'm still trying to figure out what you think you've gained by changing things."

"I can't be disappointed now. I don't expect anything from you anymore."

"Were you disappointed that I didn't call you?"

"Yes."

"So, you were expecting me to call you?"

"I hoped you would. Did she call you again?"

"Shirley? No. This isn't about Shirley. This is about you not having the control over me that you want. You aren't comfortable that I'm not tied to you as much as you want me to be. Married people promise forever and ever, not kids like us. I told you before that I'm too busy to have a real girlfriend. I already spent more time with you than I should have. You can't control me by what you're doing."