Chapter 2

Korea 1950

The news of the raffle went around the camp like wild fire. Some wanted to see Klinger get made into a sex slave, some wanted to win him/her, but everybody wanted it to happen. Klinger even ran a side bet on who would win, of course the house, Klinger, got twenty percent.

Hawkeye was off-duty trying to drum up some ticket sales. He was sitting behind Lt.Dish on her cot, placing soft kisses on the back of her neck as he tried to convince her. "Don't you see <kiss> that Klinger is half woman, so your fiancé shouldn't object. If you win <kiss> you wouldn't have to touch his cock. He could eat you out <kiss> with that wonderful, large Lebanese beak titillating your hard, wet clit." <kiss> <kiss>

Maria turned and pushed Hawkeye off her cot. "I thought I told you not to do that." She said in exasperation. "OK, I'll buy a ticket, but only one!".Hawkeye smiled and traded her a raffle ticket for some cash.

"You are a true patriot and your sacrifice shall go down in M.A.S.H. annuals. Ho-Jon thanks you, Cpl. Klinger thanks you, and I thank you." He said with a smile as he backed out of the tent.

Hawkeye then crossed the compound to the swamp, slapping a nurse on her butt as he walked. He didn't even turn around as she yelped, then turned to see Hawkeye as the perpetrator, and wiggled her butt.

Entering the swamp, a triumphant smile on his lips, Hawkeye addressed Trapper who was reclining on his bunk. "No applause please, I have just sold a raffle ticket to Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider. It took a great sacrifice on my part, but I have to think of others, not myself."

"I'm sure that you gave a lot Hawk."

"Only as much as she would take, that woman has a mistaken streak of loyalty running through her."

"If she was your girl, you would expect her to be loyal to you, right?"

That's a totally different thing. I'm sure that you'd agree with that." Hawkeye moved over to Frank's bunk and took the bible from the shelf above it.

Trap replied, "Of course it's different, you know that I would support you on that. Hey what're you doing with Frank's stuff?"

"I know what a shy, retiring fellow he is, he would never come to either of us for a ticket. Frank will be glad that we bought one for him. I think he keeps his money in here." As Hawkeye ruffled through Frank's bible, ten raffle tickets fell out. Trapper was about to comment when Frank walked in through the door.

"Hey! That's my bible! Put it back, you wouldn't even dare to read it!" Frank's indignation had no effect on Hawkeye; he merely put the bible back and bent down to pick up the tickets. Frank dropped down on his hands and knees. He grabbed the tickets from Hawk's hand. "Those are mine, hands off."

"Imagine that Trap, he has not one or two, but ten raffle tickets." Hawkeye said.

Frank mumbled, "Well, I like to support the troops. We can't do enough for our boys in green."

"And the prize being a three day pass with a transvestite had nothing to do with it, I suppose."

Frank retreated to the one thing that he always used, moral outrage. "If you would get your mind out of the cesspool and start thinking like a soldier, you wouldn't make those kind of unclean suggestions. Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me..." with that said, Frank, his bible and his ten raffle tickets left the swamp in a huff.

"There goes the poster child for a clean mind, Major Frank "My shit doesn't stink" Burns." Trap laughed and then shrugged his shoulders. "Say Trapper, I didn't sell him any tickets, did you?"

Trapper pretended to be indignant. "Who me? Think again Hawkeye, I wouldn't sell him dinner at the mess tent!"

Hawkeye looked thoughtful and both of them shouted at once, "Radar!"

Radar looked worried as both Captains stared at him in his office. Col. Blake was no help at all; he was in his tent taking his afternoon nap. Radar decided to come clean. After all, they are doctors and gentlemen. They will understand. "Erm... I had to do it, he is a Major. I really had no choice. You do understand that, don't cha?

Hawkeye tried to explain to Radar. "Can you imagine if Frank Burns won the contest? He would either have us all arrested, or, God forbid, he would spend a fun-filled weekend with Klinger and the poor boy, Klinger I mean, would never be the same."

"Hold on Hawk, give Radar a break." Trapper moved closer to Hawkeye and whispered, "We are going to fix the contest, right?"

"Of course, Frank doesn't stand a chance of winning." Hawkeye patted Radar on the head. "You're forgiven, I can't stay mad at such a cute, little soldier like you, Radar." Both doctors laughed out loud and Radar rolled his eyes and blushed.

The drawing was held in the mess tent. Everyone who was anyone was there, in other words anyone not on duty was at the party. Trapper even worked overtime with the still to make sure that there was enough booze for all. Frank who was the OD was kept busy in post-op. Henry was there, but he didn't know what was being raffled off, except for the three day pass in Sol. He knew the raffle was to raise money to send Ho-Jon to the States to attend school, only Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker actually knew what school Ho-Jon was going to attend. So, Henry was in the dark as usual.

Hawkeye walked into the party dressed up like Groucho Marx. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and in some cases you are both. I want to make sure that everyone has enough to drink, otherwise the winner might escape once he or she is chosen. Does everyone have their tickets?" A resounding "Yes!" was heard from the crowd. "Good, my lovely assistant, Lt. Dish, has put the ticket stubs into this jar." Hawkeye held up a glass mason jar full of ticket stubs. "I will now stir up the stubs and Lt Dish will pick the lucky winner."

Maria stuck her hand deep in the jar and pulled a ticket stub out, handing it to Hawkeye. He looked at the ticket and asked Lt. Dish if she was sure. This started a whispered discussion between the two.

Now, Margaret did NOT approve of the general misuse of Army time and especially with all the drinking, both officers and enlisted together. "Will you just announce who won, then we could all go back to our tents and get some sleep."

Hawkeye yelled his agreement with Margaret. "I must agree with Major Hulahan, but whose tent you go to and what you do there is up to you, you're all adults. I know you are because you are here in Korea. You're members of that elite, but not choosey, fraternity called the US Army. Ordered to attend this wonderful party hosted by the North Koreans!