Chapter 10: A Different Sort of Talk

Six Days Later:

Early was again standing behind the windshield on deck twelve where he and Susan had their last talk. For the second time on the trip they were encountering rough weather. They were due in LA in the morning, and the captain had been very apologetic that they couldn't avoid the storm and still dock on schedule. Early had been daunted by the task of getting all his stuff back into his suitcases and ready for pickup before midnight. He'd called his steward to find out the deadline and had quickly accepted the steward's offer to let him pack for Early. Early only packed a carry-on for what he would need in LA.

That unpleasant task delegated, Early had vacated his suite to get out of the way. The weather made any activity on the open decks impossible. The combination of the weather making the decks uncomfortable and everyone's need to pack gave the ship a empty feeling. Restless, Early had finally gone back to deck twelve to watch the winds and the waves. Mal de mar wasn't a concern this time because Early had taken some Dramamine as soon as the captain had recommended that guests might want to consider medication before the ship encountered the storm.

No, Early's stomach wasn't what had him at the highest point of the ship this late afternoon watching the angry ocean doing its best to disrupt or destroy the ship. No, it was the storm in Early's soul, a storm even more violent than the twenty to twenty-five foot waves, driven by gale force winds, crashing over the bow.

Early had spent the last six days alternating between quiet meditation, serious introspection about his life and what he wanted from it, and blinding anger. For the first day or so after Susan left, Early hadn't been fit company for man nor beast. While Susan was there, he'd been unable to absorb the breadth of her betrayal. With her gone, for the first time Early understood how some spouses could commit murder. His fertile imagination produced repeated images of Susan taking off her clothes for other men, of her opening herself to accept their cocks into her. Early was so furious that several times he picked up the ship-to-shore phone to call her and vent, only to be deterred by remembering that it would still cost him $7.50 a minute.

Sometime after lunch on the second day, when Early was jogging around the track on deck twelve, he stopped and looked over the bow. Asking himself for the ten millionth time why the images should bother him. For the ten millionth and first time he told himself that it was history, in the past, and should be of no concern. Then he asked himself to imagine Susan meeting someone now, right this minute in her apartment. Undressing for someone right that instant, preparing to fuck some asshole as he stood looking at the impossibly blue water of the Pacific Ocean.

It was the pain of his death grip on the railing that brought a new clarity. He didn't want Susan fucking anyone, now or in the future. He hadn't realized that he'd been comforted by the portion of her letter that said she was going to be celibate. Being with other women hadn't bothered him, why would Susan's celibacy mean anything? Why did his gut tighten at the very thought of her with another? Early had always been honest with himself; it disturbed him to discover that being honest with yourself about how you feel didn't always mean you knew how you felt. In his honesty, Early had to face his ambivalences.

Early was a problem solver, but in the days since he'd had that insight about Susan's celibacy he hadn't been able solve the problem of Susan. He had clarified his emotions. He knew he hated what she'd done, and he knew he would never share her with others. He understood that he still loved her. Rather he loved the person he had thought she was. Perhaps because she hadn't said the words, "I've changed," all his instincts told him she had changed, had become in fact the woman he had thought he'd been married to. The woman he wanted as a wife, the mother of his children. He knew he wanted to start over, but he also knew that she didn't deserve a second chance. Hell, it wouldn't be a second chance but closer to a twentieth chance depending on how many lovers... no sex partners she'd had during their marriage.

He was most conflicted about trust. By her actions she proved beyond any doubt that she couldn't be trusted. Yet by her actions she showed she was being honest with him... if he could believe her. Being able to make decisions and stick by them was one of Early's strengths, yet now, when he needed to make a choice in his own life, he felt like a tightrope walker half way across a swaying wire.

"It's quite a blow out there; it almost reminds me of when I was in the Navy."

Early turned to see a white-haired, rotund gentleman with a kindly face walk up beside him. He continued, "I hope you don't mind the company, but this is the best place to watch the storm, and I always feel more comfortable if I can see what's coming. I've always had a love-hate relationship with storms. The smaller the ships the stronger the relationship."

Early smothered his irritation and realized he welcomed the distraction. "What sort of ships did you serve on?"

The man smiled, looked at Early then continued in a breezy fashion, "I was always stationed on larger ships, carriers or guided missile cruisers, but my job would take me to every ship in the carrier group. I got stuck in a little destroyer during a hurricane once; I wasn't allowed to come up to the bridge very often, and when I did I regretted it. I saw waves roll over the oh-four deck. I swear the ship would be completely under water, then quiver like a cold, wet dog as it worked its way back to the surface, get hit by a new wave and start all over again. I heard the XO order a work party to check that all the exterior doors were double-dogged-down, because if one came open we'd sink like a rock.

"The only other time I was ever that scared was in a category 5 typhoon on a carrier. The stupid admiral actually ordered the carrier group into the center of the thing quote 'for training purposes' close quote. I swear I saw waves break over the flight deck! That's about ten stories up on a normal day. I may have been the only one on board that saw it, but I swear I did!"

Early chuckled, the man had an engaging voice and an uncanny ability to make those around him feel at ease. "So what are you doing on a long cruise like this, didn't get enough in the Navy?"

"Oh, I got enough of the Navy's style of cruising, and letting women serve aboard ship just made it that much harder for me to be at sea without my wife. We've been married forty years; this cruise was a way to celebrate that. I'm Jim Martin by the way, I'm retired Navy, but I've never lost my interest in meeting new people or going to new places. What brought you aboard? You're quite the mystery man you know. Ensconced in the biggest cabin in the ship but all alone. Never socializing with anyone except that equally mysterious woman who showed up from nowhere and then disappeared. Oh yes, the gossips aboard ship have been having a field day with you."

The man's delivery and timing would have intimidated a stand up comic. Any possible sting of his actual words were lost in the humor of his presentation. Yet Early did have to pause to let them sink in. He always ate with others, except for the occasional meal in his suite, but he'd never been very forthcoming with information beyond the "what's your name, where are you from and what do you do for a living" sort of questions that normally led to small talk.

"That was no mysterious woman, that was my ex-wife!" Early tried to put a Groucho Marx voice to the comment, but his heart wasn't in it.

The old man was silent for a bit, then in a gentle voice asked, "Do you want to talk about it? I don't mean to intrude..."

Early started to defer, but instead he began to talk to the stranger. He rationalized that he'd never see the man again, and sometimes just talking a problem out with another human could give him insight.

The two men talked for hours. It hadn't taken Early long to realize that he was dealing with someone who was an expert in dealing with human relationships. Jim Martin might look like a kindly old man, but he was a wicked inquisitor who seemed to be able to keep digging until he got to the heart of the matter. He used humor and mis-direction to keep his victims off balance. Even as Early became aware, indeed admiring the man's technique, he found that he did want to open up to the man. He shared thoughts and histories that he'd never shared with another living soul, and felt good about doing it.

Finally, after they'd moved so they could see the sun setting beyond the stern of the ship, Jim said, "Early, you know she doesn't deserve your love or your forgiveness, yet you want to do both. I don't want to get all religious on you at this late date but what you're really struggling with is the basis of Christianity, grace. Christianity is the only religion where man doesn't have to 'get right with God' but God made the sacrifice to balance the scales for man. What man has to do is receive his grace. It's one of the hardest things in the world for a real man to accept. There is nothing we can do, on our own, to make things right with God. All we can do is receive his sacrifice or reject it.

"Early, you are in a God-like situation with your ex. There is nothing she can do now or in the future to make things right with you. You can extend grace to her or not. Then, regardless of her response, you can feel good about what you have done, and go with your future. Certainly, if she isn't prepared to change her ways, then it's pretty clear that she doesn't want your grace, but your permission. Which would never work, by the way, not for you, not based on what you've told me about yourself.

"Early, I've got to go get ready for dinner and the farewell party. My wife is going to make me wear my monkey suit tonight. She wanted me to wear my old formal uniform complete with gold cummerbund; fortunately my civilian spread has made that impossible. Still, after all this fine food, I might need to find a girdle to get into what I did bring. Would you care to join us?"

Early thought about it, Jim was a man he wanted to spend time with, but ultimately he wanted to spend time alone thinking about all the things that he'd said. Getting dressed up for a farewell party just didn't appeal to him. He had kept to himself most of the trip and he liked the symmetry of being able to put his old life behind him with the end of this trip. He simply needed to decide what he wanted to do with his new life. Jim had given him something new to think about and Early had always done his best thinking alone.

"You've given me a lot to think about, I think I'm going to pass on the whole gala tonight. I'll probably order into my stateroom and see if the steward needs any help getting me all packed."

Jim gave him a penetrating look then said, "It might take a bit for you to work through all of this, if you want to talk some more give me a call. Here, let me give you my card. You're a good man, Early, and I miss working with good men since I retired."

Early accepted the card and nodded, a bit embarrassed by the praise, and returned to his suite to find that his efficient steward had not only packed everything but that the suitcases had been whisked off as well. Barring a problem at immigration, Early wouldn't see them again until he landed in Seattle.

The next morning Early was up early. When he'd asked his well-tipped steward about what time he'd be able to leave in the morning. That worthy had told him, with a grin, that since he was in the Master's suite he'd probably have to wait until they docked, but if he didn't want to wait that long he could go ashore with the pilot boat.

Early had checked on flights to Seattle and discovered that if he could indeed get off early he might be able to make Alaska Airline's flight 245 at a little after ten and be home for lunch around one. As much as he'd enjoyed his time on this floating luxury liner, Early wanted to get to Seattle and talk to Susan face to face. At least half his urgency was uncertainty about what he would do and how he would react when he encountered her.

Early was reminded of an old movie he'd seen. He couldn't remember who starred in it, perhaps Audrey Hepburn. She'd been faced with a dilemma about the truthfulness of the man she was falling for, and someone put forward the old riddle about lying Dirty-foot tribe and truthful clean-foot tribe. Dirty-feet couldn't tell the truth and Clean-feet couldn't lie. The actress wasn't interested in the riddle, only the truth and said she'd probably look at their feet, the correct answer to the riddle was to ask one what a member of the other tribe would say. The answer would always be untrue. Early knew that Susan could deceive him. How could he ever trust her again?

When Early went to claim his luggage at the airport he saw just how much he had for the first time. As Early loaded his luggage cart he decided that two of his bags must have engaged in some sort of unnatural behavior to produce this litter of smaller cases and bags. After a futile attempt to load it all into a regular size cab, he'd been forced to pay a premium for one of the min-van type cabs to be able to hold his luggage's new family.

Early's apartment had that neglected look that is hard to explain but impossible not to see. Still, Early dumped his luggage in the middle of the living room floor before taking a quick shower and heading over to Susan's apartment.

When he got there, no one answered his rings or repeated knocking. As he was turning to leave, he spotted Susan returning with an empty trash can. She looked horrible. She didn't have any make-up on and she'd lost weight... weight she couldn't afford to lose. She was only a few feet away when his presence finally registered on her, whereupon she gave a shriek and practically screamed, "Early! What the hell are you doing here? You can't see me like this!"

Early who hadn't been able to keep suspicious thoughts from forming when no one answered the door now wanted to laugh. Susan wasn't expecting company, not looking the way she did. "I just landed and I came right over, I wanted to finish our talks."

Susan looked like she was going to cry, "Oh Early! How did you get here so soon? I've been praying that you might want to see me, I was just going to get cleaned up on the off chance that you might call. But, I checked the flights and you can't get here until this evening! Early, really, you can't see me like this, please, let me take a shower and get fixed up, please."

Early ignored her protests, she might not want him to see her au natural, but she was clearly pleased to have him here. "Susan, let's go in and talk. There's some things I want to get straight."

Susan nodded and squeezed past him to open her door, then squeaked again and tried to close it, "Early, can't we go someplace else, you don't want to see my place like this..."