I'm sitting here wondering what tomorrow will bring. My stomach has been hurting me for months and I finally made a doctor's appointment. I must admit I'm a little scared. Cancer is too dominant in today's society. Maybe I just have a stomach problem. Time will tell.

I'm a sixty-three year old man who has been married for forty-two of those years. My wife is now sixty-six. I'm looking back on my life wondering what I did right, and where I was wrong. Right now I'm kind of only looking at the sexual side of my life. Funny how I could put my whole sex life in just a few pages. Of course being married forty-two years kind of limits the amount of sexual escapades one has. Still it's been a rush, if I may say so.

I lost my virginity in my senior year to an old girlfriend. I guess I should say I had my first fuck at that time. There were a few blow jobs and a hell of a lot of masturbation going on before that.

In college my life began to have a new meaning. I tried to score and was fairly successful till it started hurting my grades. "Less sex, more study," was what my dad told me. I wanted to be a teacher. I succeeded and am now retired from my chosen profession.

I might ramble a lot in telling you my story. Please bear with me, because I have to type it as I remember it, or I might forget it. Don't want the readers to lose out on hearing about such quality sex. That's funny - quality sex - most of my younger days was quantity, get it while I could, sex.

I met and married my wife in my junior year of college. The sex with her was - how should I put it - fantastic, great, loving, wonderful, and yes, it was in abundance, for quite a few years. In the last six years, there has been hardly any sex. I can count on one hand the number of times we tried without the greatest results. We'll get into that little later. Sickness, a soft dick, lots of reasons for no-sex.

I should change that last statement. I've had no intercourse with my wife. I beat my meat damn near daily. I feel like a fool, sitting here reading stories on a small screen while I jack off. A hell of a way to remember your sex acts. It's pitiful!

Let's get back to better times. Linda, my wife was fantastic in the sexual department. My name is Charles. As a kid I went by Chad; as I got older, I told everyone to call me Chuck. I liked that name; it rhymed with luck, suck, and fuck. I could make a lot of jokes about myself using Chuck. You've probably heard a lot of them so I won't waste your time repeating them.

Linda and I had a lot of sex, love, intercourse, sexual relations, call it what you want, but we had a lot of it especially in our early years. We did it most anytime, and any place, when we got a little privacy. I remember doing it on the washing machine, while it was agitating. In an elevator, on the beach, in the pool, it was great fun. We did it right up to the delivery time of all four of our kids. Of course they're all grown with families of their own. Eight grandchildren is what we have now.

I remember when we were in college and she told me she was pregnant. She was worried I wouldn't want to get married. I told her how much I loved her and that it would all work out alright. Money would be a little tight till I got out of school with my teaching degree. We weren't able to go many places but we still had sex a lot. Our parents helped us out a little with the money situation. Thank God for parents.

Back to my sexual thoughts. I'm like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, when it comes to sexual thoughts. I have two complete opposite opinions on the subject of my sexual thinking. Let me try and explain.

If I had to live life all over again, I don't know which I would choose. The upright standing man who lives the good clean life, Dr. Jekyll. He might be the deacon of the church. No sexual wavering, and only the one sexual partner. He would be honest, true and full of conviction toward his life, family and friends. Sex would only be monogamous. I would sometimes think that this was God's plan, and I would follow it.

Then, there's the Hyde side. I would be an arrogant prick, get all the fucking I can get, any woman, anytime, anywhere. This is the sexual fantasy man. The wife swapping, group sex, do it all and hell with everyone. The Devil made me do it sort of guy. Where was I in my life? I literally thought about both type of lives.

I lived a fairly decent life. I strayed a couple of times and felt bad about it. I was a decent family man, and I do go to church. My students all said I was a good teacher. To most people, I'm a good person, but I know my sexual thoughts were not. Does that make me a hypocrite?

Let me explain some of the dark side. I was a school teacher for around thirty-five years, teaching these high school girls. Who wouldn't get thoughts? No wonder they instituted dress codes. These gals in short shorts and mini skirts. They had bodies of women, many of them of legal age, but I was their teacher. They looked up to me. In my earlier years, I was close to being propositioned. The way the girls worded it could be misconstrued. "Mr. Long, I'd do anything to raise my grade." Or, "Mr. Long, is there anything I can do for you to increase my grade?"

I knew what they meant. If I had to do it all over I wonder if I would have taken advantage of the situation. I know in my awake fantasy dreams, I took these girls many times over, but in real life I was Mr. Long, the nice and helpful math teacher.

I often wonder if it is just me, or a few guys like me? Do most men fantasize like I do? I've seen a number of x-rated movies. I got hard-ons after watching them. I would never swap mates with anyone. My Linda was great. As I mentioned earlier, we did it all the time. In my fantasy though, I gave Linda to a number of guys. Afterwards she always told me I was the best. Other men could fuck, but only I could make love to her.

In my dreams she probably fucked a hundred men, but in real life, I was the only man since we were married. At least that's what she told me and I have no reason to doubt her. I know if I ever found out she was with another man it would damn near kill me. I know I would kill the son-of-a-bitch. It's so weird with this dual thinking personality. Nice guy on the outside, pervert on the inside.

I mentioned that Linda and I haven't had sex in about six years. It started with Linda having female trouble. She ended up having a hysterectomy. I was worried shitless that she might die. I didn't know much about female problems. She was told, or at least she told me, no sexual activity for at least six months.

Eventually she felt better and one night we tried but she said it hurt too much. So, we quit trying for awhile. Then when we tried again I wasn't able to get a hard-on. It really bothered me so I went to see the doctor. He told me it was probably the stress in my life. He ran tests and said there was nothing physically wrong with me. I had to try and worry less and maybe change some of my habits. I had no idea what he was referring to. Other than my sexual thoughts and my teaching job, what was there to change?

Then, as we talked we figured that I was afraid of hurting Linda and so the stress made me not get hard. I decided to try masturbating and had no problem. The doctor was probably right, I didn't want to hurt my wife.

I tried having oral sex with Linda and I became hard. I then inserted my penis very slowly and she told me it didn't hurt but she really didn't feel anything. It was just uncomfortable. It's a pretty big turn off hearing that from the woman you love. We tried a few times after that with the same result. I couldn't turn on the woman I loved anymore. No matter what I tried, it didn't work. I wanted to try a few more times but Linda didn't want to. She said that part of our life was over.

As far as I know she never knew about the few affairs I did have. Only one of them occurred in the last six years. It was at a teachers' convention about four years ago, the same year I retired. The woman's name was Martha and she was from another state. We were sitting at the same table and well... things just happened.

We went up to her room and I lived out another of my fantasies. Oral sex with someone other than my wife. We also had anal intercourse. It wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Sounds funny when you say it, "Anal sex, not cracked up," makes me kind of laugh. Anyway, Linda and I tried it a few times and her ass was just too tight and it hurt like hell. I mean it hurt both of us. Anyway, Martha must have been used to it because the pressure wasn't near the same as Linda's ass.

Martha was in her thirties and divorced once. She was married to an accountant back in Indiana. If she fucks other men like she fucked me, her marriage probably isn't far from being over again. I have to say, I loved it - the sexual freedom of fucking another man's wife. It was great, but then I thought of Linda. What if she did this sort of thing? Now I was back on a downer. I had cheated again on Linda. It was something I promised myself never to do again. The last time was about three years earlier.

It was at another convention. I had way too much to drink and I met a number of women that night. It was the first time I had sex with someone other than Linda since we were married. I had two women that night, which was great while it was happening but when I got home and saw my wife smiling at me I felt like I just hurt someone I loved. I promised myself never to do it again. I kept that promise for four years and then because the chance presented itself and I hadn't had sex in over two years, I cheated again.

Linda and I were now at sexual odds. She stopped me from making any advances toward her. She was always saying she was sick and not feeling well. I told her we needed to talk about it. She told me how much she loved me and how the sex throughout our marriage was great. "All good things come to an end," she said.

"What do you mean, Linda? You're through having sex or making love.?"

"Charles, I love you with all my heart. Our love life has always been great. Since the operation a few years ago and then taking this arthritis medicine, I don't feel anything anymore. I guess my nerves down there are pretty much gone. I'm always dry and it hurts. I'm an old lady in my sixties now and I just don't want to do it anymore. I want you to understand that it is not you, it's me. Please try and understand." Did you notice she called me Charles and not Chuck? She never liked calling me Chuck. Not a big thing, but thought I would mention it.

"Isn't there anything we can do? Use KY Jelly, or an ointment of some kind? See the doctor, maybe he can prescribe something or see if there is something wrong with your female parts?

"Charles, I go to the doctor nearly every month. There's nothing wrong with me down there. There's just very little feeling, so the playground is closed. We can still cuddle and hug and kiss. I love you but I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."

She started to cry, which of course brought tears to my eyes. I loved her and of course I didn't want to hurt her. So we continued on with our life. Of course behind closed doors I began masturbating while reading erotic stories. Linda knew what I was doing. Of course she didn't agree with it but I needed the sexual release.

We argued a little about it, but I told her the alternatives were few. I didn't want to cheat on her, we definitely weren't going to get divorced over it. She didn't like oral sex at all, so that left me with one alternative - masturbate. She asked me why didn't I try and find something else to occupy my time other than all the stuff we did together. She belonged to women's clubs and church groups. She also walked a couple of miles each day with a few other women. She suggested maybe I could occupy myself that way.