Chapter 1

Things The Women's Magazines Never Tell You.

And why some of the things they tell you are wrong.

Plus further dispatches from the battlefront in the war of the sexes.

1. Men always roll off and fall asleep.

OK, there is some small amount of truth in this one - but only because the time you ladies choose to suddenly announce you want to make love is last thing at night. We have had a big dinner, lovingly prepared by the culinary geniuses at Pizza Hut or Mr. Wongs. We have managed to watch the game and still conduct a conversation with you about whatever dumb thing your sister or cousin or aunt have done now. Our bodies have just started the shutdown routine ready for sleep and NOW you want us all wide awake and ready for love. Well hey, a man's got to do his best for his lady and so we do, we put the sleep routine on hold, do our manly duty for you. Of course the sleep routine kicks straight back in once the sex routine ends and we are off to the land of nod. Try catching us at 10 a.m. for a change or 11 or 12, anytime when the sun is up and we haven't just eaten

2. Men only want one thing.

Hell no!

There's loads of things we want:

Early retirement, sex, 24/7 sports TV (wide screen high definition always showing our team - preferably winning), sex, cars, sex, boats, sex, a world without TV soaps, sex, clothes that don't itch, sex, our own harem of cheerleaders (my personal favourite).

OK so most of that list is a pipedream (especially the cheerleaders god damn it!) but hey - every other item there is something readily available and even better than that it's something we can do together (and it's free!)

3. Men always want their wives to dress like hookers.

And? This is a problem?

You have this backwards ladies, hookers dress like hookers because that's what men like. They aren't allowed to advertise, there aren't any useful which reports or magazines full of test drives for us guys to peruse. Those girls depend on how they look to attract the customers so of course they dress in a way that is proven to be liked by 95% of men (and if those seeing eye dogs were better trained it would be 100%)

Some subsidiary notes on clothing.

a. No skirt is ever too short.

b. Long skirts are OK if and only if they are split to at least the hip.

c. There is no such thing as too much cleavage.

d. No homosexual has any idea about how to design clothes to make a woman attractive to a man, they just don't understand the concept.

e. Man evolved as a hunter, to his eyes there are 8 colours and they come in light medium and dark - add black and white and that's 26. That's it, anything else is just marketing designed to fool the gullible (I.e. women). A man stands around wondering is that sand, or gold, or beige and he's a lions lunch. It's yellow, it's a lion, I'm outta here.

f. So what if you have worn it before - it looks good - you already paid for it - it's not worn out - wear the damn dress again.

g. You don't need matching shoes to go to the drive in - the only way anyone will see them is if you hang them out the window and frankly if you do and someone is only looking at your feet they have a much bigger problem than you do.

h. Yes we do realise that it's not socially acceptable to wear a mini skirt and halter top to church - that's why we don't go. And OK, it's probably not wise to turn up to your sister's wedding in a boob tube and hot pants but most of the time that's a perfect outfit.

4. Men never participate in women's interests.

OK - I've just liberated the wife's latest issue of some women's magazine. 132 pages of cover to cover women's interests.

Lets see - 32 pages of diet tips and associated advertising. Right - there are three ways to lose weight EAT LESS or EXERCISE MORE or SURGERY - take your pick subject closed.

26 pages of "fashion" - Jesus there are shoes here that cost more than a second hand car - for the price of the matching handbag you could have dinner out once a week for a year (and not just McDonalds - somewhere classy with carpets and napkins).

8 pages of celebrity gossip - Do we know these people? Do we care what happens to them? NO. (just noticed Brittany looks a right mess these days better send her my fashion tips - my daughter dresses like Brittany and I sure as hell don't want her wandering around looking like that).

4 pages of what I can only describe as a gynaecology textbook - enlightening I'm sure, something you can share with your man? Probably not.

3 pages of problems - the only bit of the magazine a guy will actually read - probably for the laughs though.

4 pages of cookery - a dinner party for eight (do we know 6 people that well? Last time we had that many people round to eat we barbecued and I cooked! The time before that was the world series and we ordered pizza) and what a menu! Fresh asparagus soup, hot shrimp salad. Right lets get this straight once and for all - Salad is what restaurants use to make your plate look full rather than actually giving you the meat you ordered it is NOT real food it's camouflage. A related point - have you ever noticed how small the plates are in those all you can eat buffet places - don't believe me take a tape measure next time. Anyway back to the menu - the main course (don't laugh guys) Lamb cutlet (yes cutlet- one!) and three sorts of vegetables. Dessert a low calorie cheesecake. Very nice I'm sure but next time the guys are round for the superbowl I can guarantee that wont be the menu we choose!

6 pages of "It happened to me." Yeah it did and look how much money you just made out of selling your story - which I don't believe anyway.

48 pages of adverts for stuff we don't want, can't afford or already own (only cheaper and better).

1 page of astrology - don't get me started on that one!

I tried - really I did but Astrology just gets me going.

Astrology is supposed to be some ancient art right? Well up until 15?? Everyone thought the sun was a planet. Until 17?? there were only five planets known to mankind. Pluto wasn't discovered until 1910 and I'm damn sure there were horoscopes around before then, in fact they have found two more planets just this year.

There are 12 star signs so on that basis there should only be 12 types of personality. Hell I have more than 12 personalities myself, there's the work-me, the home-me, the out with the boys for a beer-me, the oh shit I'm in the doghouse again better be nice to her-me, etc. etc. etc.

Here's a snippet from the horoscope in that same women's magazine "the middle of the month will be a good time to work on your relationship."

Well yeah, it's the February issue and that's Valentine's day. I bet he didn't have to stay up all night watching the stars to work that little gem out.

Read any two horoscopes from different papers - will they agree? I doubt it - but then I would say that I'm a Libra and we're all sceptics.

5. Men only like big boobs.

Hell no! Yes we notice them but that's hardly surprising big ones are eye-catching. There are only two types of breast in a man's mind.

Ones he IS allowed to play with and ones he WANTS to play with if only he is allowed.

Don't believe me ladies? Try this simple test.

Pick a man at random, walk up to him and ask him "if I took my top off would you like to play with my breasts?"

I will personally guarantee that no man - not one - will ever say "No they are too small."

He might say no, at least for as long as it takes him to check for the hidden cameras but believe me size is not what counts - what counts is ACCESS!

6. Men never notice anything new about their women.

Ok, so she dyed her hair ginger and I didn't realise for a week so I don't really have a leg to stand on here. (The wife has just explained somewhat forcefully that it's not ginger it's auburn - see my notes on men and colours above).

BUT - we notice the important stuff.

Try wearing a tight tee-shirt and no bra and see how quickly we spot that.

Try wearing a short skirt without panties - bet we find out in under 10 minutes.

Dent the car and don't tell us - we will know anyway.

Buy that awful cheap special offer beer - even if you pour it into a fancy glass and serve it to us naked we will know.

Try putting the TV remote in a different place and start the clock - more than 10 minutes before the first swear word and you win.

Try hiding our beer (NO DON'T unless you really want to see a grown man in tears).

We notice the important things (that's important to us of course - stuff like clothes and hair styles are just minor trivia)

7. Men never surprise their wife with little romantic gifts.

No we don't at least not if we have any sense. Read this little scenario and see if it rings any bells.

Husband comes home from the office, wife is in the kitchen preparing dinner.

H. "Hi honey, I'm home."

Produces bunch of flowers.

H. "I got these for you."

W. "Hi dear, oh they're lovely, thank you. What's the special occasion?"

H. "No special occasion I just saw them and thought you would like them."

W. "Yeah right, come on what's going on?"

H. "Nothing. Can't a guy buy his wife flowers without getting the third degree?

W. "You never buy me things, what are you feeling guilty about? It's that blonde tart in your office isn't it? I've seen the way she looks at you."

H. getting a little defensive now "Of course it isn't." (thinking what does she mean "I've seen the way she looks at you," am I missing something?)

W. "You must be guilty about something or you wouldn't have bought me flowers."

Sound familiar?

Of course it does.

The evening usually ends up with H. down the bar moaning to his buddies and W. burning up the phone lines to every other woman in the world saying "Guess what he's gone and done now?"

A big thanks to all of you who took the time to write to me with compliments and suggestions. Some of them I have used (specifically the section on breasts above was in response to a readers comment) some are still churning away in the back of my mind and may yet resurface.

A postscript to my comments on astrology.

Well it's official - the list of planets has been reorganised.

Pluto, Ceres and those new ones that are just numbers (and what exactly was wrong with calling it Xena?) have all been redesignated "dwarf planets" (are we still allowed to say that? Shouldn't it be "planets of restricted size" or "gravitationally challenged orbiting bodies"?)

Where does this leave the astrologers?