Some idiot once said, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well, life has been giving me shit lately and I'm finding out that making shit sandwiches just doesn't cut it.
First, I lost my job. Another company bought out the company I work for and 150 of us were downsized. I found another job, but at half the pay and no benefits. Next, an uninsured drunk ran a red light and broadsided my car. Yeah, I've got insurance, but I've also got a thousand-dollar deductible. The washing machine broke down and the repairman told me it couldn't be fixed. It only cost me $75 for him to come to my home and tell me that. I went over to Sears to get a new one and was told my card was at its limit. The transmission in my wife's car is acting up. I checked the dipstick and the fluid smells burnt. I give it a week until the pump goes out or the converter comes apart. God knows what I'll do then. If all that ain't enough my wife of twelve years has decided that she needs to lose weight. After trying several diets to no effect she found some diet pills that seem to work for her. She has an exercise bike in the living room and she practically lives on the goddamn thing. You ever try to watch football with the whir whir of one of them things going on in the background? Wanda is losing weight, but the side effects of those pills are that she has lost all interest in sex. Like I said life is giving me nothing but shit.
I'm not used to going without sex. Me and Wanda been going at it like rabbits for our whole marriage. Four, sometimes five, times a week. The honeymoon never ended for us so I been taking this no sex thing pretty hard. Not that Wanda has cut me off, she hasn't. She never says no, but she has no interest, she just lays there. Once or twice was enough of that for me. I love the stupid cunt and it doesn't seem right to just 'use' her to get myself off. I've been a bear to live with. I'm irritable all the time, kicking the dog, throwing things at the cat, slamming doors. Ok ok I know I'm an asshole, but what do you expect from a guy who gets laid five times a week for twelve years and overnight goes to not getting any? It's a good thing we don't have any kids. God knows what I'd do to them. Let me clear the decks on this while I'm at it. Wanda isn't fat. She is what I would call voluptuous. She's got an ass that stops traffic every time she walks down a street; long black hair that hangs down to her waist; and her tits - her tits are to die for. Why she is wasting her time taking them pills, riding that exercycle, doing all those exercises is beyond me because I like her just the way she is. Hell, not only me, but half the guys I know have told me they'll take her if I ever decide to get rid of her.
Despite my earlier "stupid cunt" remark, Wanda isn't stupid. She knows that she is the cause of my bad moods and she's determined to do what she can (short of giving up those damn pills) to try and calm me down. She waits on me hand and foot; cooks all my favorite meals; encourages me to go out with my buddies and bowl, play cards and that kind of stuff. She has even, so help me God, hinted that I should go out and get myself laid. Hey, I admitted I'm an asshole, but I'm not that big an asshole. I believe in all that "till death do us part; cleave only unto; for better or worse" crap. What can I say? I'm just funny that way.
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