Author's comment: This treatise received the expert, scholarly editorial attention of Miss Stormy Weather, to whom I am indebted. Additionally, a cute young thing I'll just call Michelle tweaked it with her proofreading skills. Were it polite to suggest that both women are clearly worth Pulling the Pud for, I would do so, for both inspire me to engage in my favorite pasttime.
Of course, it's not polite to talk that way about a lady ... so naturally I won't.
Hi folks. Lubrican here. I created this pen name for those people who were offended by my original pen name: Beating Off Bob, which is, I admit, a rather base and crude name. But there's a reason I chose that name and, at the time, it made a whole lot more sense for what follows than Lubrican does. So, in memory of dear old Beating Off Bob, I present what was his work.
You see, pretty near everybody masturbates at one time or another in his or her life. It usually happens the very first time when something feels good and we want it to keep feeling good. It's kind of a natural way to feel good.
I mean, think about it. We don't bang our thumbs with a hammer on a routine basis. That doesn't feel good. It's not natural. Everybody scratches, or yawns or stretches. It's just natural ... and it feels good. It's the same thing with Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears. It just feels good. And it's a good way to Get in Touch with Yourself and ... you know ... Discover Your Own Potential.
But people don't like to talk about masturbation. And worse still, people don't THINK about how complicated it is, or how important it can be to do it right.
So I decided to write down some thoughts, so that, the next time you contemplate Wrestling the Bald-headed Champ (if you're a guy) or Paddling the Pink Canoe (for you gals), you can do a better job at it.
As my primary pen name suggests, I am not inexperienced with the concept of Battling the Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger that I was born with. A penis is an interesting thing. Women tell me that, which is understandable, but it's pretty interesting to the owner too.
There are basically two kinds, and that means that when you plan on Charming the Cobra, you have to pay attention to which kind you have.
If your parents participated in the time honored ritual of having you circumcised, you can Chafe the Weasel if you're not careful. A little lubrication goes a long way toward Changing Your Oil without Leaving Skid Marks on the Pink Panther.
In the Other Hand, you have your just plain generic prick, with all the original upholstery in good condition, and Buffing the Banana in that situation doesn't Strain the Peel at all. As a matter of fact, if you have undamaged goods, too much oil can be a very bad thing when Engaging in Friction Therapy.
Just a quick word about acceptable lube for those who need it. When Launching the Tadpoles, don't be a cheap ass and just spit in your hand. If you're going to be Greasing the Flagpole, at least take a little pride in what you put in your hand.
Now, once you've decided to Mind Your Own Business, and, if necessary, have acquired the needed lube to Operate the Pump Action Porridge Gun, then technique comes into play.
It's not necessary to Beat Your Meat Like it Owes you Money. Anybody can Flog the Log, Spank the Monkey or Perform An Assault On a Friendly Weapon. And that will, in truth, Drop your Drips. But masturbating with style ... that's the actual destination here.
And speaking of destinations, don't sneak outside at night so your parents or wife won't hear you when you Blow Your Own Horn. Hosing Down the Driveway ... in the actual driveway ... is not cool. If old lady Franklin happens to look out her window while you're in the act of Performing Diagnostics On Your Man Tool, she'll have you Applying your Hand Brake in the back of Officer Branson's squad car.
No, if you're going to be Arguing With Henry Longfellow, it's best to do it inside, where Aiding and Abetting a Known Felon won't get you thrown in the clink. They don't Arm-wrestle the Purple-headed Stormtrooper in jail. They Pack Fudge instead, and believe me, you don't want to be in the candy making business when you could be having A Big Date with Mrs. Palmer and her Five Daughters back in your nice warm bedroom. Of course you can always go to the boy's room and Caulk the Cracks in the bathroom tile too.
OK, we have our lube, if needed, and we've chosen an appropriate place to Practice Arm Aerobics. We've decided not to Battle the Purple-helmeted Warrior and are, instead, going to Be Our Own Best Friend.
Approach the task at hand as if you were Shakin' Hands With Little Richard. A nice firm grip telegraphs confidence. You don't want to give it one of those limp wristed half grabs that suggest that you're Shakin' Hands With the Unemployed.
Not too tight now. We don't want to Choke the Chicken. You want to be more tuned to Being a Virtuoso of the Skin Flute as you perform with your One Man Band. Think of it as An Organ Solo, if you will.