Writer's note: This is just a little fantasy I thought up one night, trying to help myself to fall asleep. I hope it doesn't make the readers fall asleep, too.
There's no sex in it. None. Zero. Zilch.
April 22, 2006
Mr. Peter Angelos, President
The Baltimore Orioles Baseball Club
Dear Mr. Angelos:
Like all Orioles' fans, I've been disappointed again this spring at the club's dismal start on the 2006 season. I'm sure you share those feelings.
However, I would like for you to know that, despite the team's 6-14 record, there is reason for hope. I have been to four games this season at Camden Yards, and the Orioles have won all four of those games!
We've played ten home games so far, and those are the only four the Orioles have won! I don't know what the statistical probabilities are, but it has to be significant that they've won only four home games, and that I was present for all four of them!
I realize that this might be only a coincidence, but I am going to test my theories by notifying you, in this letter, of which games I plan to attend between now and the end of May. All five games I'm scheduled to attend are against strong contenders. Given their performance so far, the Orioles might be expected, at best, to win one or two of these games.
I predict that they'll win all five.
Please ask someone on your staff to hold on to this letter and its enclosures, and you will see for yourself.
Emerson Pooler, Lifelong O's Fan
May 27, 2006
Baltimore Orioles Baseball Club
Well, sir, what do you think?
In my April 22 letter, I told you that I'd attend five home games before the end of May. I gave you the dates in advance, and a photocopy of my pre-purchased tickets, to demonstrate that I would, in fact, be in Camden Yards. (This is a LOT more games than I usually attend -- your ticket prices are outrageous!)
Well sir, am I a good luck charm, or what? The Orioles beat the Yankees (twice!), the Red Sox, the Twins, and the Angels. (By the way, your guys LOST seven out of eight of the OTHER games played against those four teams in May, and they won only four other games (out of twelve played) against other teams during the same period!
Pete! Pete! Your team's record this year is 16-28. In games I've attended, they've gone 9-0! In games I haven't attended, they're 7-28!
Well, sir, my budget for Orioles' games this season is long-since exhausted, and it's a long trip to Baltimore (315 miles!) from where I live. Good luck for the rest of the season, but (unless you want to give me some help, here), the team is going to have to do it without me.
Very truly yours,
Emerson Pooler, Lifelong O's Fan
June 7, 2006
I really appreciate the free box seat tickets you sent me for the June 12-15 four-game series with the Yankees. It was nice of you to send two tickets for each game, too.
My wife and I will be there, Peter, because (a) I'm a big fan. and these are great seats; (b) I want to help the O's beat the hated Yankees four straight; (c) my children live in the D.C. suburbs, so we can commute from there to the games.
But Peter, after you win those four straight games, we're going to have to review the bidding, here. I can't afford to drive all the way from West Virginia to Baltimore every few minutes, you know. And then there's the question of the club's road games. I certainly can't afford to go with you to places like Seattle or Anaheim without compensation.
It's true that I love the Orioles, and I'm retired and available, but I ain't rich, Peter. We're going to have to work something out! I'm enclosing my e-mail address. Write to me after the Yankee series.
And thanks for the great seats!
Emerson Pooler, Lifelong O's Fan.
P.S. I notice the O's are now 20-34 (4-6 since my last letter. Congratulations on that two-game winning streak!)
June 17, 2006
SUBJECT: The Yankee Series
Thanks for your e-mail, Pete! You aren't the only one who was happy to see the four-game sweep of the Yankees! We really enjoyed the long weekend in Baltimore. We stayed three nights at the Sheraton, walking distance to Camden Yards, and it only cost us $120 a night plus ($36 total) parking. (We decided that commuting all four nights back to Washington to stay at our son's house would be a drag.)