Chapter 7

Luckily I have no problem, for the most part, keeping pages of my mind separate. My job requires me to pay full attention to what I'm doing as peoples lives depend on it. So, despite the fact I had been propositioned, had an open blowjob promise, and was trying to let a love spark kindle into a fire, I finished my day without a hitch until Doreen, my "second", came in at 5:30.

Doreen was a semi- retired pharmy from out west who moved here with her husband's job. With 3 kids she HAD a full time job, but 4 nights and Sundays got her out of the house and helped pay the bills. She would have no problem finding a full time gig once all her kids were old enough for school. She was a pleasant woman who never seemed to lose all the extra weight from her last child. Her blue eyes and sweet smile made her a comfort to all of those who needed to confide in her. If she lost the 20 or so extra pounds she had I was sure she would be a fairly good looker. Doreen and Dianna were almost exactly the same age and body type, except Doreen showed the ravages of motherhood, and Dianna was the picture of fitness with a perfect body that she exploited to make money. However, Doreen was happily married and fully content with her life, and Dianna was a bitter and confused mother who was searching for a husband. In my mind the contrast of the two was not missed. Would I be happy if I transformed Dianna into Doreen? On the surface at least, if Dianna were as happy and content as Doreen I'm sure we would be a great match. As I drove home I wondered about the contrasts of the two and what the future might bring.

Once home I showered and started my laundry. Everything I wore smelled like my sterile white lab coat I wore behind the counter. The only thing it always made me think of was the way the nuns smelled when I was in grade school with their heavy black habits, always crisply laundered and starched. I couldn't help but think that the essence worked its way to my body as well and a shower before I ate was a nightly ritual.

I threw a couple pork chops on the Jenn-Aire and rifled the freezer for a veggie to go with them. Thirty minutes later I was washing the dishes already. I wasn't sure if being a neat freak was a curse or a quality, but I wanted everything to be right all the time.

I sat in my easy chair and thumbed through the paper for barely 5 minutes when I heard a car in the drive and I got up to greet Dianna.

I opened the door before she could ring and she came in greeting me with a big hug. She held me tightly and whispered she was "sorry if I played head games before" and then broke the hug a bit and planted her lips to mine for a long kiss.

We broke the kiss and I closed the door and turned to her. Her eyes were wet with tears forming.

"Dean, please understand that I've been so lonely and afraid to put myself out there. When I met you at the convention center that day you really swept me off my feet. You treated me like I was,... oh hell I don't know... ME! When I'm repping like that I get a lot of come-ons and creeps, especially at car shows. You were just the sweetest! When you asked me out I really expected you to be real aggressive, but you proved that you wanted to be friends first. Then I heard about your reputation and wondered if you were setting me up, because you hadn't tried to seduce me. I know now that despite the reputation you have, you're a sweet man with a big heart, and I love the way you've considered my Missy and her feelings. I know it's difficult with her but you've been great. When I treat you badly or say insensitive things just remember I do that with my shield up. I won't do that anymore. I'll be honest and open my heart. Don't send me away." She said through a few tears but a voice that was ready to break.

"Send you away! What are you talking about?"

"I've had it in my mind that you were going to break it off with me tonight. I don't know, that's the way it sounded with you on the phone today."

I took her hand and led her to the sofa and we sat down together. I took her hands and leaned forward to speak closely and directly.

"Dianna, the only thing I wanted to do tonight was tell you that I feel about you the same way you feel about me. You said that you thought you could fall in love with me. Well, I think I could fall in love with you as well. I treated you the way I did because I wanted you to get into my heart. I can go out and get laid anytime; I turned down a proposition today. But I've been feeling empty for a long time and when I saw you I just read a lot into you. I broke off a relationship about 4 months ago; her name was Mikel-Anne. She was a couple years older than me and we got along famously for a while and decided to live together. I never said "I love you" so many times and never really meant it. I cared for her deeply, but I just couldn't take that last leap to feeling "commitment love" and then little by little we began to grow apart. She moved out while we were still friends. I wanted to feel that she was the one, but it never really hit me. I was afraid I would never meet the "one". When I saw you that day I didn't see the tight black dress in front of the black shiny Buick. I just read so much into your face and your movements and when you talked to me, bells went off. That feeling I searched for with Mikel-Anne is clawing at me with you and I want to explore it. Believe me and trust me when I say that. If we try and it doesn't work, I can accept that. But if I were to let it go for the sake of chasing a few skirts, I would never forgive myself." I said trying to bear my soul.

"Oh Dean, you ARE the man of my dreams, I think. The other night when we made love I wondered if it was so good because it had been so long. But right now I know it was so good because of all it meant to me, and to you. My husband made me happy in bed and I wasn't exactly a virgin when I got married, but the intensity of us together the other night was SO special. It was so good that I didn't think we could be real, but right now I feel just as strongly as when you were inside me the other night. Just think, if we put this all together and fall in love, we may never be with ANYONE ELSE again. That thought excites me terribly." Dianna said as she ran her hands up my arms and touched my shoulders looking into my eyes as if about to kiss me.

I had to avert my eyes so as not to lie by just nodding or showing any assent to her thoughts. She knew me well enough to sense something.

"Dean! NO! Not last night, please don't tell me it's so!"

I was silent for a few moments, not able to make eye contact with her.

"When I made the snide comment about a "goodbye boink" I hit the nail didn't I? How the fuck can I trust you or any man!" She said as she turned away from me on the sofa and put her head in her hands.

"Dianna, you'll have to trust me and believe me on this one. I had no commitment to you and you know that. This only helped me make the decision I made with you this morning. I don't expect you to understand and I only tell you now because I could never deceive you, or lie to you. It was a double edged dagger to tell you or lie to you. Please hear me out." I said to her without touching her.

I was sure if I tried to even touch her arm she would have pulled away.

Her temper got the best of her as she stood and faced me.

"At least tell me that is wasn't some tramp or whore you picked up somewhere, or you let pick YOU up. Tell me it was someone you knew. Have a little ethics, I hope. How could I ever think that ONE of your species might think with his big head rather than his little one? You know other women look at me and envy me for my looks, but all it's brought me is heartache and a lifelong line of assholes who can't keep their dicks in their shorts. Homely women marry homely men and they keep themselves happy for the rest of their lives. Every guy I've ever been attracted to is a loser." She said aiming her ire at me specifically.

"Dianna, hear me out. Anything I could have done to spare you this pain, I would have done."

"Sure, anything short of not getting your cock wet."

"I've asked you to hear me out. I've been playing a cat and mouse game with this woman for weeks now and yesterday it just happened. I was riding home before my guilt over the pain I knew it would cause hit me. She was a fantasy I've had for a long time. If you knew the whole story you might understand, but let me just say that the satisfaction I should have felt over being with her was shot by the thought of you. I knew I had betrayed you although I hadn't yet told you how I felt. That guilt and the feeling of your betrayal was the deciding factor that I had chased my last skirt."

"Sure, YOUR WORD on that is supposed to mean something. How can I trust you?" She spat back.

"If that's the case, maybe I am sending you away tonight. No love can grow out of deception or mistrust. If you can't trust me, you can't love me and I'm sorry I created the situation." I said distraught over the fact that I fucked this up.

"Dean, I don't know what to think. Deep in my heart I want to trust you and take you at your word. But, something is nagging at me that tells me I'll be sorry." She said turning away from me and starting to cry.

I was at an impasse with her. There was no way I would take up with anyone who didn't trust me. In fairness she had reason to NOT trust me, but in reality she didn't. I had been honest with her on all counts and didn't hide anything. If I had made a commitment to her, it was in the last few hours and I truly wouldn't go back on that word. However, I didn't see fit to argue the point with her. She headed for the door and I couldn't nor wouldn't stop her.