"Hello. You have reached the Twenty-first Century Survey. Am I speaking to the owner of the Code?"
"Yes. This is Code Number 1047. I am calling in as you requested in your recent letter. I secured the code number by choosing a number from your number generator at your website."
"Thank you, number 1047. As was explained to you earlier, this code procedure is designed to help assure the confidentiality of the survey. None of the employees of Twenty-first Century Surveys will be able to trace your identity by reference to the code number. All we will know is that it is a valid number, selected from the website by an individual who has previously agreed to participate."
"You also understand, Number 1047, that the questions on this survey are concerned with extraordinarily personal information of a sexual nature."
"Yes. Would you call me 'Pam' please? It's not my real name, but I prefer being called something besides 'Number 1047'."
"Yes, indeed, Pam. Actually, you're ahead of me. I was about to suggest we assign you a fictitious personal name for the duration of the interview. 'Pam' will do just fine."
"And what do I call you?"
"How about 'Richard?' We can maintain anonymity both ways. Incidentally, this interview can be assigned to a female interviewer, if you'd feel more comfortable answering the questions that way."
"Don't worry about it, Richard. I'm not that sensitive. Question away."
"Ahh, Pam, allow me to explain the procedure to you more fully. These questions are not necessarily designed only to produce a 'yes' or 'no' response, or to evoke a brief, quantitative response. Interviewees are encouraged to elaborate as they see fit, in the course of providing their answers. For example, were I to ask you if you have ever been married, you would be encouraged not merely to say, 'yes, ' but to say something like, 'yes, I've been married and divorced twice.' Is that clear?"
"Is this interview being recorded?"
"Absolutely not. An aural recording of the interview might be seen as a possible threat to your personal privacy. However, the content of the interview will be carefully recorded, in the sense that I will be writing down your answers. When you provide an elaborate answer, I will be doing my best to record it in full, or at least in as much detail as possible."
"Well, it sounds interesting."
"One more preliminary matter, Pam. We beg you, please, to provide accurate answers. People are very often embarrassed by the questions on the survey. That's to be expected. People are embarrassed if they have what they might regard as too much sexual experience to relate, and, sometimes, people are embarrassed as well if they have too little. For example, a young man might be embarrassed to admit that he is a 23-year-old virgin. But, naturally, we only want truthful, complete answers. Without that, the entire exercise -- this massive inquiry into sexual behavior in the early 21st Century -- will become a mere farce."
"Inaccurate data is worse than useless, Richard."
"That's exactly right! So -- no matter how detailed the questions may become, I hope I can rely on you to..."
"Don't worry, Richard. You'll get the whole truth from me, and nothing but!"
"Great. Let's begin, then. --And Pam: anytime you have a reaction to a question, a concern about why it's being asked, anything like that, feel free to express yourself. The recording of responses in this survey is extraordinarily sophisticated. Even things like extraneous remarks of survey subjects will be recorded and analyzed."
"All right, let's begin with a few preliminaries. You are female, correct?"
"You better believe it, Buster! --Whoops. I guess this isn't the time for survey-subject attempts at humor, is it? Just put that down as a 'yes.'"
"You need not adopt any particular attitude, Pam, toward the survey. If you want to treat it as the object of a light remark or two, there's no great harm in that. All we ask is that you provide us with the objective truth."
"Understood. But I'm gonna try to restrain myself a little, Richard. Oh, shit! I said "Little Richard," and now I'm going into a giggling fit!"
"I think you're just a little nervous about where this survey is going to take you. Please try to relax and enjoy the experience."
"Oh, I'm enjoying it already! I've always loved to take surveys and answer questions! One time I finally got called by a Gallup Poll, and I was so excited about it I thought I was going to cum! --If that's one of your questions -- 'have you ever had an orgasm while being questioned by a Gallup Pollster' -- the answer is, 'almost!'"
"You've got a great sense of humor, Pam. That's not one of our questions, but your answer will probably be of some interest to our poll analysts. You're doing fine. Now -- what is your age, please?
"Born in the United States?"
"Lived here all your life?"
"That's right. Moved around some, but all within the U.S."
"And what is the extent of your formal education, Pam?"
"I've got a B.A. degree and a Masters. Do you want to know more detail?"
"We deliberately avoid gathering too much background detail on individuals -- again, we're working hard to maintain complete anonymity. But I'd like to know the following -- and please answer in the indefinite manner the questions invite -- ready?"
"Was your Master's degree in a social science, as opposed to one of the hard sciences?"
"Question's too vague. It wasn't hard science, but I wouldn't really classify it as social science, either."
"Fine arts, perhaps? Music?"
"Fine arts, yes."
"Fine. And your school -- please give us the name of the athletic conference the school was in -- for example, "Big Ten" or "Atlantic Coast Conference". This is just to get a generic idea of the part of the country you went to school in -- we're not pursuing any sports-related questions here."
"I thought this was a sex survey."
"It is, Pam. I -- don't understand."
"Well, to me, sex is definitely sports-related! There -- summarize that offhand remark on your survey form!"
"You're a live wire, Pam. Your answers are interesting, and we haven't even gotten to your history yet. Now -- what about that last question?"
"It was the Southeastern Conference, Richard. I'm a Southern Belle! I'll zero it in more for you, if you want."
"SEC is definitive enough for our purposes, Pam, thanks. Now, we're going to get into some more specific background questions, but, again -- nothing that will betray your personal identity."
"Relax, Richard. I don't want to see any naked pictures of myself on the Internet, but I'm not overly concerned about these answers. Ask away."
"Would you please give me some information about your race and national origin? For example..."
"Skip the examples, I understand the question. I'm Caucasian, European heritage. Both parents. Not adopted. I look like my Dad, only I've got a better rack. Does that get it?"
"Got it. Glad to hear about the rack. Nothing worse than having a dad with a bigger chest than yours."
"Hey, Richard! Good for you! YOu've got a sense of humor! I thought for awhile there, you were going to be a Dick."
"As I explained, Pam, we want a relaxed interviewee."
"I'm just like a dishrag, here, Richard. I've even got a glass of white wine. Fire when ready."
"All right, Pam, some of the questions now will be more explicit in their exploration of your history -- sexual and otherwise. First of all, have you ever participated in a sexual experience of any kind. By that I mean, have you ever engaged in what is commonly called 'necking' or 'petting' with another person -- either of the opposite sex or your own sex?"
"Could you elaborate?"
"Is this an essay test? I thought it was going to be multiple choice. Yes, I've necked and petted for some time now -- well over a decade (I'm 23, don't forget), and I've done that necking and petting with persons of the opposite sex, and some of my own sex, too."
"All right. What do you recall as your earliest experience of the kind described?"
"When I was nine, I played doctor with my cousin Bertie. He was about eleven."
"Can you describe the nature and extent of..."
"I showed him mine, and he showed me his. And I touched his little penis, and he ran a finger over my hairless little cunt, there. Bertie got a hard-on, and I thought that was pretty damned neat!"
"You mean, did he fuck me?"
"Well -- no. I assumed he didn't. Did he do any more that what you described?"
"He asked me to suck it for him."
"And -- did you?"
"Not that day, no. But Bertie was around pretty frequently. His mother and my mother were close." She laughed. "Maybe not as close as me 'n Bertie got to be, but close. We played doctor pretty often after that -- we were both hot for it."
"So. When did you..."
"I think it was about the third time we played -- maybe a month or so after that first time. I told him I'd 'kiss' it if he'd lick my pussy first."
"You want to know what happened then?"
"Yes, Pam. Please continue."
"Ol' Bertie was a gamer! He laid me down there in my little backyard playhouse and licked the beJesus out of my hairless little twat!"
"Did you enjoy it?"
.... There is more of this story ...