"Peter and Tracy are breaking up," Jan announced from the kitchen when I got home from work. "And its your fault." Tracy was my little sister; Peter was Jan's older brother.
I left my briefcase by the door and went to the kitchen, kissing Jan on the cheek. I was hoping for a quiet evening, a rented movie, maybe even a slow, indulgent cookie dipping. I should have known better. "My fault? Why?"
Jan was apparently cleaning vegetables in the sink. That is, she was shaving a carrot into something that looked sharp and deadly. "Tracy thinks Peter's gay, and that he has a terrible crush on you."
"No kidding. It's a shame it's not Tracy. She's a cutie, even if she is related. If she had a crush on me, our marriage would be in trouble."
Jan nudged me with an elbow as Tracy came out of the bathroom, pushing the auburn curls back from her face.
"Shoot, Tracy, I'm sorry."
"'S'okay," she smiled. "At least somebody still wants me."
"Tracy is staying with us until Peter gets straightened out."
I sighed. "Okay, sure. Listen, Tracy, let me take you up to the bedroom and apologize properly."
"Don't even," Jan warned, but Tracy giggled, her eyes lighting up. I should have known then; Tracy was my sister. Her eyes never lit up.
"So Peter is gender confused. How is this my fault?"
Jan and Tracy exchanged an odd sureptitious look, then Tracy shrugged- making her breasts bounce, to be sure- "Peter said your penis is bigger than his. He's been talking about it a lot. First, he wanted me to try you out, even if it was incest. I mean, you and me being brother and sister. Then he wanted you both to do me. You know, back-door, front-door. Today I realized I was just in the way and he was in love with you."
"Peter is a doofus," I said. Tracy wasn't too bright either, even if she was my sister.
Tracy nodded, her brown eyes a bit vacant. "Sure he is, but I still love him." She paused. "Are you really bigger than him?"
"Much bigger," I said. "Poor Jan is sore for days."
"I am not," Jan said. "Men always exaggerate, Tracy. He's not a fraction over nine inches."
"Really!" Tracy's eyes went wide.
"And it belongs to me," Jan added.
"Oh, of course," Tracy said. "I wouldn't dream of sleeping with Bill. At least, not without your permission. Not even fellatio. Or my behind, even if that's not proper sex." A couple more brain cells fired. "Anyway, I'm married." She blinked. "And he's my brother, all nine inches."
"Bill, will you help me a moment in the laundry room?" Jan asked.
"You two are going have sex, aren't you?" Tracy pouted.
"I hope so," I said.
"Can I watch?"
"No." Jan frowned.
"Peter is eight and a half. Eight and three quarters if you measure it right. But he has a foreskin, and he's really thick around. Are you?"
"Like a beer can. Listen for Jan's screams."
"I don't scream. You know I don't scream."
"She gurgles," I told Tracy, giving her a thumbs up. Jan scowled.
"Tracy has the remote," Jan said in the laundry room.
"So. Your kid brother is over eight inches, thick, foreskin. Have you ever considered doing him?"
Jan, to my surprise, flushed and shivered. "Suck it," she said. "I mean stop it. Tracy has the remote. You know what that means."
I sighed. "I suspected. I really hoped we could rent a movie and have a pizza delivered."
"Do you really want to have sex with Tracy?" Jan asked softly. "Your own sister?"
"She's incredibly sexy. Do you want your brother?"
Jan swallowed. "Tracy wants to make love with me. She seems to think if she and I get it on, that will make it easier for you and Peter to be lovers."
"Then we can swap and I can have Tracy. You can make love with your handsome brother."
Jan turned her back to me poutily and I came up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist, then slipping my hands higher. Jan sighed and leaned back against me. She had her bra on, though it was unfastened, and her generous nipples were already hard, stiff as little lemons.
"You're as bad as Tracy," she murmured, squirming against me. "But not as good."
"Tracy? She was groping you?"
"A little." Jan sighed. "A lot, okay?"
"I'm surprised at you. Isn't that like seducing a child?"
"She was doing it, not me. When we heard you come in the front door, she went to the bathroom to wash my smell off her fingers."
Smell? I let my hands drift to her hips. "You're not wearing panties?"
"She took them off."
"Of course," I said. "Hardcore lesbians that you both are."
"I don't know how it started. She knew where to touch. She has the-the thing. What do you call it. At least I think so." People somehow found it difficult to think about the remote when the darn thing was turned on.
Jan squirmed around facing me. "We are not having sex in the laundry room while your sister listens in the kitchen."
"Yes, we are," I said a bit urgently. It was probably my last chance. I hitched her skirt up and lifted her tight- and bare- behind onto the drier.
"Aren't." She crossed her arms over her breasts, which wasn't where I was headed anyway.
"Are." I tried to undo my fly as she lifted her calves, leaning back on her elbows.
"Shoot," Jan sighed, then quivered and glared. "She's pushing my buttons. It's too late. Tracy!" she bellowed. "Bill's forcing himself on me!"
Tracy let out a valkyrie squeak and came ramming into the laundry room. She rammed me aside. "Out, get out!" she yelled, and leaned between Jan's open thighs. Her lips opened and fastened on Jan's little pink.
"Out," Jan said. Then she closed her eyes and gurgled.
I went back to the kitchen, and considered ordering a pizza. If Tracy had the remote, she probably had it on her. Once, though, she'd taped a bunch of buttons down and hidden it. It took two days to find it.
The doorbell rang. It was Ted, Peter's black friend from work. "Hey, Bill. Peter called. He said Tracy got hold of the remote." He grinned shyly.
"Sure, come in, Ted. She's in the laundry room with my wife. Maybe you can distract her long enough for me to get Jan loose."
"Thanks, Bill." Ted headed to the back of the house. I gave him a couple minutes, then ambled back myself.
Ted was on his knees behind Jan; Jan was on her hands and knees and naked; Tracy was sitting cross-legged beside them, happily supervising their vigorous coupling.
"Hey, wait a minute, that's my wife you're shagging. My wife."
"She's good," Ted grunted, dragging a black log from her belly, then stuffing it back in. Jan gurgled.
"Jan, stop that. What are you doing? Stop it, right now."
"In a couple minutes, hon. I'm busy right now."
"Couple minutes, nothing. I got lasting power," Ted said, heaving himself into Jan again.
"Jan, you're screwing a complete stranger," I said.
"Busy," she said fiercely, the closed her eyes and gurgled as Ted lifted her hips and thrust deeply, rolling his own pelvis lightly against hers. Nice technique. Jan's pointed breasts quivered with her orgasm. Tracy reached out and steadied them, then kneaded Jan's nipples, grinning at me with a sort of confused defiance.
"Say my name," Ted grunted.
"I don't know your name," Jan gurgled.
I smiled weakly and went back to the kitchen.
The next one at the door was Riley, the hypertrophied neanderthaler paperboy.
"I suppose you want to bonk my wife too," I said, a bit sourly.
Riley hesitated, then smiled broadly. "You mean like in payment? Sure. Hey, Ralph!" he shouted over his shoulder. "Come on in, we're going to get laid."
"You mean Mrs. King is putting out? Hot damn, she's a fox!" Ralph liked the idea even more than his brother.
Both brothers towered over me, dumb blonde testosterone mutants. "Where is she?" Riley asked.
I sighed. "In the laundry room, through the kitchen."
Ralph paused. "Hey, Mr. King." he said. Then, "Listen, I guess I get sloppy seconds, but you want me to suck you off while I wait?"
"Looks like Ralph is gay," Riley said, smiling superciliously. "I've always known it."
"Bi. I'm bi." Ralph looked indignant.