"I know you mean well, Karen, but I just don't think I'm ready for this yet," I said as I watched my smiling friend.
"Mike, it's just like falling off a horse. You have to get back on immediately, or you may never get back on," Karen Welston told me. "I know you're still hurting from Amanda dumping you, but the best way to get over the hurt is to get back out there and find someone to help take your mind off of it."
"And you think Julie with the big tits is going to help me get my mind off my wife leaving me for an insurance salesman?"
Karen's laugh rang through the house. Karen had been my best friend since... forever. I'm Mike Adams and I guess I was maybe five or six years old when I met Karen. She is the same age as me. We grew up living next door to each other.
When we both started dating in high school, I'd tell her about the boys who bragged about their conquests and she'd tell me about the girls who teased a guy then bragged about how frustrated she'd gotten him. For some reason we had never even considered dating each other.
I think Karen cried on my shoulder every time she'd break up with a boyfriend or had a bad date. She helped me get through high school English Literature and I helped her get through Algebra. Both of us went on to college at different schools, but we kept in touch and saw each other on breaks.
Karen met Jim Tate when she was a freshman and almost immediately fell in love with him. They were married during their sophomore year. They lived together, off campus. Karen finished her sophomore year, then went to work full time to help Jim get through school. They planned for Karen to go back to school as soon as Jim graduated. Instead Jim divorced her as soon as he graduated.
I met Amanda Stewart during our junior year. We got along well from the start. I don't think there was ever any burning passionate love between us, but we were compatible and the sex was great. We were married the week after graduation.
We had been married less than a month when I got a call from Karen, telling me that Jim had left her. We were living in the same town again, so I told Amanda what was going on and went over to see Karen. She cried on my shoulder again and I consoled her as best as I could.
I think Amanda was a little bit jealous of Karen. I never could understand why. When Karen would come over to the house to ask my opinion on something or just to visit, Amanda always seemed a little defensive. When I'd ask her about it, she'd tell me I was full of shit.
I had managed to get a good job as a junior engineer right out of college. I had gotten a promotion when I had been with the company for one year and had gotten another one just before Amanda left me.
I had no idea anything was going on, but I found out later that Amanda had been sleeping with the guy she'd left me for for almost a year. The guy had sold us a life insurance policy on me right after I had gotten my first promotion.
"Mike, you could spend weeks just mapping those mammoth mammaries. You'd need a transit or maybe a GPS just to figure out how to get around them. If that wouldn't get your mind off Amanda, I don't know what would," Karen laughed.
"Yeah, Karen, but I always thought of boobs as something I could hold in my hands, not something I'd have to haul around in a bucket."
By now we were both cracking up. Karen tried to get a little more serious, then said, "You really do need to start dating though, Mike. It would be better than you just sitting home and moping all of the time."
"Yeah, like you get out and date all of the time?" I asked her.
"Hey! That's unfair, Mike. I have to wait for someone to ask me. The problem is, no one wants a twenty-four year old, divorced, college dropout with no prospects."
"Karen, you are still as pretty as you were when you were a seventeen year old prom queen," I told her.
"Mike, you can pay me all of the compliments you want, but the topic of conversation is your dating. Dating Julie in particular," Karen said. "Remember, you promised me you'd let me set you up on four different dates. We've never broken a promise to each other and I'm not going to let you start now."
Okay, she finally wore me down. Karen could always do that when she tried. I guess that should have told me something, but it didn't. I've always been a little dense when it comes to women.
So, I went out with Julie Chrisswell. Julie is a nice girl and she does have humongous hooters. She also has raven black hair, a porcelain complexion, and blue/gray eyes. The problem is, her IQ isn't much bigger than her bra size.
I took Julie out to dinner on a Friday evening. We went to a nice restaurant and right after we ordered, she told me, "I don't fuck on the first date, but I'm free tomorrow night if you'd like to go out again."
The thought of mauling those massive mountains made it tempting, but common sense won out when she started talking about how cute and how smart her cat is. She went on about her fabulous feline all through dinner, which kept me from thinking about the only pussy she had that I might even faintly be interested in.
I took her home right after dinner. She invited me in, but I told her I had to catch a plane to Japan in the morning.
Karen showed up Saturday afternoon. "So, how was your date with Julie," she asked with a big smile.
"Karen, she is gorgeous, but she certainly isn't my type."
"What's wrong with her?" Karen asked.
"For one thing, her IQ is about equal to her age. She can't carry on a conversation about anything but her cat. Besides that, she says she doesn't fuck on the first date and I could never force myself to have a second date with her."
I thought I was going to have to pound Karen on the back, she was laughing so hard. When she finally got herself under control, she asked, "Was it really that bad?"
"Worse. She does have tremendous tahtahs though."
This set Karen off laughing again. This time, when she got herself under control, she said, "Well, I really didn't know Julie that well. I haven't talked to her that much, so I didn't know she was a dim bulb."
"That's okay, Karen. Can we just forget about those four dates though? I don't know how I'd be able to get through three more if they're like the last one."
"No way! You made a promise and I'm holding you to it. I do know the woman you're going to be taking out this Friday, and I know she's intelligent."
"Do I really have to do this?" Even to me, this sounded like whining.
"Yes, you do. Cindy Wilson is a very nice girl. She's smart and she's funny. I think you'll like her," Karen told me.
I'll have to say this kind of dating wasn't hurting my performance at work. I was really getting into a new project and the week flew by. The first part of a project is always the most interesting. That's where you get to do all of the neat design stuff. It's later in the project when you are ordering materials and the like that it gets boring.
I met Cindy at the restaurant. I must say, Karen was right about her being intelligent and funny. We had a very nice time during dinner. We talked about any number of things. When she put forth an opinion, it was well thought out and she could back it up with facts. When I would crack a joke, she would catch it immediately. The jokes she made were hilarious.
She was also very pretty. The problem was that although she was very pretty, I just wasn't attracted to her physically. Before the meal was over, we both agreed we owed Karen a big debt because we knew we were going to be good friends. We also agreed, we'd probably never be anything but friends.
Karen showed up on Saturday afternoon again. "So, how did you like Cindy?" she asked.
"Cindy is a great person," I told her. "She's smart and funny and pretty and a great conversationalist. The problem is, I was not physically attracted to her and she wasn't physically attracted to me."
"Better than your last date though?"
"Infinitely. I think Cindy and I are going to end up being very good friends. I really wish the attraction was there because otherwise, she's perfect."
"Well, your date for next Friday is gorgeous. She's also very smart. She's also an engineer, so that should give you something to talk about," Karen told me. "Her name is Beverly Green."
"Okay, I'll meet her. At least I found a new friend from the last date."
After another fast paced week at work, I met Bev Green. Karen was right. I sprouted a woody as soon as I saw her. She was also very smart. We were talking like old friends within minutes. We ordered our meals and settled in.
I'm no comedian, but almost everyone who knows me tells me I could be. I love to crack wise, tell jokes, and make plays on words. The first time I made a wisecrack to Bev, she just looked at me with a puzzled expression then went on talking. I waited until another opportunity presented itself then made another wisecrack. Again she just looked puzzled. I stopped trying to be funny after that.
Not once during the meal did Bev make a joke or a wisecrack. I started to feel like I was talking to a mannequin. Needless to say, my hard cock shriveled to nothing.
When Karen showed up the next day, I lit into her. "What the hell do you think you're doing? I thought you knew me. Bev has a stick up her ass. Every joke I tried to make bounced right off of her."
"Well, I know Bev is a little serious, but she is beautiful and she is smart."
"Yes, she is beautiful and she is smart. What I want in a woman is someone who is as smart as I am. I want someone who will get my jokes and give me back some of her own. The woman I end up with should be someone I'd be proud to be seen with. She should also be someone I'm attracted to physically."
Karen came over and sat on my lap. She hadn't done that since I was sixteen. I'd gotten a boner and she had squealed and jumped up.
She put her arms loosely around my neck and looked me directly in the eyes. "Mike, I do know you. I've been saving the best for last. The woman I have you fixed up with for Friday is perfect for you," she said.
I was looking into her eyes and listening to what she was saying when I realized I had another boner. "Oh, my God, what's she going to think of me?" I wondered.
Karen didn't pay any attention to it, so I asked, "Who is this perfect woman?"
"She may not be perfect, but I think she's perfect for you," she said. "I'm not going to tell you her name because I think you might know her and I want it to be a surprise."
"You're not going to bring Amanda in on me, are you?" I asked. "She's anything but perfect for me."
Karen laughed. "No, it's not Amanda," she said. Then she kissed me on the end of my nose and ran out of the house.
I must have called Karen at least half a dozen times that week. Every time, I got her answering machine. I left messages for her to call me every time, but she didn't even attempt to call back.