The Matriarch's Marriage Advice

by Lazlo Zalezac

Tags: Romantic,

Desc: : A young couple has told Grandma that they plan to get married. What advice does Grandma give them? After reading this, everyone will wish they had this old lady for their grandmother.

Copyright© Lazlo Zalezak, 2003

Susan's mind was still fuzzy as she struggled to wake. She wiped the sleep out of her eyes and looked at the old woman seated in the chair. "Grandma?"

"Yes dear?"

"What are you doing in here?" Here was the bedroom that her Grandmother had put them in last night for their stay. It was an extremely beautiful room within an enormous old mansion. The queen size bed took up a very small portion of the room. There was a sitting area with a love seat, chair, and coffee table. The decor was Victorian, with lace, painted glass, and beautiful wood. The room had French Doors that opened onto a balcony.

"I'm here to talk to both of you."

"Couldn't you have waited until we were up?"asked Susan. Her fiancée still had his hand on her naked breast and was sleeping with a half smile on his face. After the workout that they had last night, it would be a miracle if he woke in another hour.

"Why should I wait?"

"Ah, well, um, we aren't really decent right at the moment."

"I can see that, Susan," replied the old woman. She pointed her cane at Susan's breast and the hand that covered it. "Looks like he's having indecent dreams, too."

"Would you mind leaving while we get dressed?"

"Yes, I would mind. I would mind very much." Her voice conveyed her indignation at the idea that she should have to leave the room. This was her house and they were guests. She looked over at the man still sleeping in the bed. She raised her cane and brought it sharply down on his leg.

"Jesus Christ! What the hell's going on?" screamed the man as the pain shocked him awake. He looked around wildly trying to figure out what was going on. He saw the old woman sitting on the chair moving the cane away from the bed.

Susan shouted, "Grandma! What did you do that for?"

"I told you. I'm here to talk to both of you. Can't do that with him asleep, can I?"

Charles untangled the sheet and was able to cover the both of them. The grandmother glared at the action. Rubbing his shin, Charles whispered to Susan, "Is she crazy?"

Susan shrugged her shoulders while grandma replied, "Boy, I'm old, not deaf."

Susan loved her grandmother very much. She was her favorite relative and had many fond memories of times spent together. She spent every summer at the house when she was growing up and grandma always treated her special. The rest of the family said that grandma had a reputation for being a little odd. This morning her actions went well beyond odd. Concerned, she asked, "Grandma? Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," rebuked the old woman. She set the tip of the cane on the floor between her legs and placed her hands, one atop the other, on the duck head that formed the handle. Her hands were wrinkled and liver spotted, the nails thick with age. She pointed to the coffee table and sofa in the corner of the room with her age sharpened nose. On the coffee table was a teapot and three cups. She added, "I made some tea for you to drink while waking up."

Susan and Charles looked at each other in confusion. Both were thinking about their nudity and waited for her to leave the room. The old woman got tired of waiting for them to move. She lifted the cane and brought it down sharply on the wood floor making a loud crack. Both of them jumped in surprise. "Now that I've got your attention, get over there and have some tea. Pour me a cup while you're at it."

"Grandma, we're not dressed!"

"Do you think I'm blind too? Now get your naked asses out of that bed before I start breaking legs with this cane of mine!"

Charles and Susan slipped out of the bed, convinced that she would follow through with the threat. Both did their best to cover themselves with sheets, but their efforts were halted quickly when Grandmother commanded, "Don't bother covering yourselves! Leave those sheets on the bed. I'm not going to see anything that I've never seen before!"

The unhappy couple slinked over to the love seat in embarrassment. He had his hands covering his crotch trying to his his cock. She held an arm across her breasts and a hand covering her pubic region. Neither looked or felt very comfortable. They seated themselves as quickly as they could.

An uneasy silence descended upon the room. The old woman cleared her throat once. She waited a moment and cleared her throat a second time. The couple on the love seat looked at each other nervously. Tired of waiting, the old woman reminded them, "The tea. Did you forget the tea?"

Susan leaned forward and poured three cups of tea. Immediately, a problem arose concerning who was to take the cup over to the grandmother. Susan was trapped in the corner and would have to climb over Charles to get out. She handed the teacup, on a saucer, to Charles. She then stated, "Would you please give this to my grandmother?"

Charles looked around as if he had been hit by an invisible baseball bat. Standing up and covering himself with one hand, he carefully made his way to the old woman. She accepted the tea from him and then balanced it on her knee. She watched, with a twinkle in her eye, as Charles attempted to back up to the couch and get seated without exposing anything.

The old woman took a sip of her tea and crooned, "Ah, I so love a good cup of Earl Grey Tea in the morning. I know that some people like English Breakfast Tea more, but I don't."

Charles stared at her in disbelief, unable to fathom why she would come up here and babble about teas. He was beginning to doubt if he wanted to marry into this family. Susan talked about this grandmother as though she was some kind of fantastic woman. The only bright spot in this situation was that Susan looked just as uncomfortable as he felt. He took a sip of his tea and waited for someone to say something. As the silence drew on, he gave up, "So to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?"

The old woman nodded at him, pleased at the directness with which he broached the subject. She answered, "The two of you came here to tell me that you are getting married."

Susan nodded at her statement of the obvious. She said, "Yes, we told you that last night."

"That's right, you did," acknowledged the old woman. She looked at the couple sitting in front of her and shook her head. She added, "Well, I came here to talk about your marriage."

"Well, we are planning on having a small wedding. Of course, you are invited." Charles replied. He was entertaining second thoughts about inviting the crazy women, but was smart enough not to say anything.

"I didn't say I wanted to talk about your wedding. I said that I wanted to discuss your marriage."

Susan leaned forward and gently stated, "We aren't married yet."

"Of course, that's why it's the perfect time to discuss your marriage."

Charles, convinced that the woman was batty, tried to be nice about explaining the situation to the old woman. He said, "How can we discuss our marriage if we aren't married?"

"Well, if you were planning on taking a vacation, would you discuss the vacation before you went on it? Yes you would, unless you were a total idiot. What would you discuss? What kind of vacation you want, where you want to go, what you are going to do when you get there, and other such topics relevant to a vacation!"

Susan explained, "A marriage is different than a vacation."

The old woman continued on as if Susan hadn't said a word, "Presently you are planning to get married. Now is the time to discuss the marriage. What are you going to discuss? What kind of marriage you want, how are you going to handle various marriage pitfalls, and other topics relevant to marriage!"

"Um, ah, I hate to tell you this, but being married is just being married," her granddaughter answered. She felt that she had a very definite idea of what it meant to be married.

Grandmother snorted in disdain as she said, "That's what your mother said when I wanted to talk about marriage to her. She wouldn't talk and her marriage didn't last seven years. It only lasted long enough to produce you and your brother."

"That's because they didn't get along!"

The old woman took a sip of her tea. She smiled up at the young couple in front of her, amazed at their naivety. She stated, "When I was young, a minister told me that sex before marriage was a sin. The only time one should have sex with your spouse was to have children. Sex for the pleasure of sex was a sin. I was to lie there staring at the ceiling while my husband planted his seed in me. So I guess that is what you are planning on?"

Charles, incredulous at the idea of a marriage without sex, burst out, "God no!"

Susan echoed his sentiment, stating, "No way!"

"Oh, so I guess you are going to buy a house with a white picket fence. Susan is going to quit her job and act like little Suzy Homemaker while Charles goes out and earns a living."

"That's closer," replied Susan. She liked the idea of staying home and raising a family. She wanted to work for a while before having children, but that was her basic idea of a marriage. Her kids were going to be well behaved. She would stay home and make sure that they did their homework, washed their hands before every meal, and went to bed on time. Everything was going to be wonderful.

"Good. She'll pop out a couple of kids and then raise them. Meanwhile, Charles will work long hours to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table. He'll come home late tired from work. You'll be tired and cranky from a day full of kids screaming and trying to keep a clean house. On the weekends, you'll want to get out of the house and he'll want to stay home and rest. After a couple of years of that, you won't have to worry about having sex any more. It will die a natural death. Maybe you'll do it once a month or so."

Susan and Charles looked at each other for a minute. The suggested future was not that pleasant. Susan replied, "No, I don't think that is what I have in mind."

"Me either."

The old woman took another sip of tea and leaned back in the chair with a large grin on her face. She asked the natural question, "So what did you have in mind?"

"Well, I don't know how to answer that."

"Well, you had better know how to answer that. It's the rest of your life we are talking about!"

"We love each other. We won't end up like you said."

"Bah! Going into a marriage blind is the easiest way for it to end up like that," snorted the old woman. "You ever wonder why half of the marriages in this country end up in divorce? Or why the majority of those that last end up with two complete strangers sharing the same house? I'll tell you why. They thought love would conquer all!"

"Doesn't it?" asked Charles. Despite his rough exterior, he had the heart of a romantic.

The old woman finished her tea and beckoned Charles over. Still covering himself as well as he could, he stepped forward and took the saucer and teacup. Backing to the chair, he seated himself and then placed the cup and saucer on the table. She waited for a moment and then stated, "Charles, stand up and face us."

Charles looked at Susan worried that he was going to have to do it. Susan shrugged her shoulders. The old woman spat out, "Do it now or you don't get my blessing. If I have to, I'll cut you out of my will."

Charles stood and stepped away from the love seat. He stood there uncomfortably as he covered his private parts with both hands. He challenged, "Are you satisfied now?"

"Nope, put your hands on your hips."

Charles looked to Susan for help and found none there. Numbly, Susan just answered, "Do it, honey."

Charles put his hands on his hips. He was not happy when he turned to the old woman, "Like what you see?"

"My titillation is not the point, young man. I will get to my point in a moment."

"Well, get on with it."

Susan could see that her fiancée was quickly reaching the breaking point. She tried to calm things down a little. She suggested, "Dear, just relax and it will be over soon."

Grandma snickered, "Now notice that his dingle is dangling."

Both Susan and Charles rolled their eyes at her description. Charles retorted, "Of course, I'm not turned on by you!"

Grandma wasn't phased one bit by his comment. She stated, "Now imagine that you go into the copy room and find your secretary kissing another woman."

Charles' cock reacted. Grandma laughed as she stated, "Notice the dingle has changed its dangle."

Charles blushed while Susan looked over and saw the result. Grandma continued, "She comes into your office later and kneels between your legs. Putting her hands on your thigh, she looks up at you and tells you that she'll do anything if you don't say a word about what you saw. Just think of the anythings that you could request."

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Story tagged with:
Romantic /