Chapter 9: Saying Goodbye to Lily

It was Wednesday lunchtime. I lied down by myself on a patch of grass on the soccer oval. School today was boring and I couldn't wait to get home. Today had been a disaster. Since I stayed up so late last night I woke up half an hour late this morning. I managed to catch the bus only because I skipped breakfast. Throughout class I was hungry and tired, but I managed to pull through.

As I sat on the grass a girl about my age walked by and looked at me for a while, about four seconds. I hate it when girls stare at me because it confirms to me that I don't look ordinary. If I were ordinary, I'd blend in with everyone and nobody would look at me. But because people often look at me, it meant that my appearance was extreme. The problem was that I didn't know which extreme it was, whether I was extremely ugly or extremely attractive. And to be honest, I didn't want to find out.

I lied down with my back on the grass. My feet were outstretched, my arms flat by my sides, and the back of my head cushioned against the soft dirt underneath the grass. My eyes looked up to the sky and I focused on the swirling clouds, the dynamic mixing of dark clouds with white clouds, creating a fluffy milkshake-coloured mass of clouds in the sky. As my eyes focused on the clouds, I started to admire how big they were.

I closed my eyes and started to see images. I stood on a large bed of clouds. The clouds beneath my feet felt soft and feathery. I was naked, but I wasn't the only one. Lily stood in front of me. It was windy up in the clouds. The little girl looked up at me and with her right hand pulled away hair covering her face, revealing to me her shimmering eyes. I looked around to make sure no one else was present. I knelt down and moved my face towards the girl until my mouth was only about five inches away from hers. When she exhaled, the air she breathed out touched my face, and it felt as if she was actually touching me. I wanted to be near her—so close to her that she was in me, so that the essence of her was flowing through my veins—her sweat, her blood, her urine, her whole body mixing with mine. Her moist red lips looked like ripe strawberries. Just by looking at them, I could imagine how sweet and tasty they would be. With her mouth opened while she breathed I could smell her sweet and sugary little-girl breaths. With one hand rested on the back of her neck, I pulled my face closer to hers and kissed the girl on the lips. At first, she hesitantly licked my tongue. My tongue lapped around with hers, sloshing her saliva around. It was a wet kiss. The surface of her tongue was soft, as was the internal lining of her cheeks. Her mouth was moist and refreshing. When I pulled away, she looked exhausted.

"You kissed me," she said.

My fingers touched her chin and when they did, I could no longer breathe. I began to choke. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't breathe. It was like someone was strangling me. But there didn't seem to be any pressure on my neck, and I couldn't see any hands on me.

She looks at me, puzzled. "What's wrong?"

I looked at her and desperately choked out words. "I'm sorry! I'm..." I felt my face heating up. Lily suddenly disappeared.

The clouds, the sky, everything disappeared, and I was in a jungle, standing at the edge of a raging river. The brown river water was filled with syringes, condoms, and porn magazines. It was a river filled with filth, and in the middle of the river, I saw Lily, struggling to stay afloat. It was a horrific sight—such a clean and pure little girl swimming in so much filth. I tried to get to the girl, but before I reached the water, I fell to the ground breathless. I couldn't breathe. Something invisible was choking me.

A little girl growing up is like a sparkling diamond floating in a river of filth. I don't want the little girl to drown. But I know that as she grows up, eventually she will.

I woke up. My eyes opened and I saw Eddie's smiling face. His hands were on my nose. No wonder I couldn't breathe. For survival's sake, I grabbed his wrists and pushed him away. He fell on his back. I sat up and took long, heavy breathes, and six seconds later my breathing rhythm was normal. It took me a few seconds to notice that I was in the real world now. Everything looked so crisp and hygienic. I sat at one end of the soccer oval. A group of students played soccer near me. Many other groups of students sat around on the oval in groups. Eddie lied on the ground near me, and as I looked at him, he continued to smile.

"You almost killed me."

"You were sleeping," said Eddie. "Had to wake you."

"Aren't you tired? You were up exercising last night."

He shrugged. "Used to it. I always stay up late."

"How come?"

"Dunno. At night, feels better."

I nodded. "Yeah, I think I know what you mean. Everything's more peaceful."

"Sort of." Eddie sat up.

"So how are you?" I asked.

"Have they found Ella yet?"

"No, she's still missing."

"Remember the pornos Mark gave me last night... the CDs? On one of the CDs, there's this strange video file."

"What sort of video?"

"I don't know," said Eddie. "I'll have to show it to you. I'm not really sure if it's what I think it is."

"Okay, let's see it."

"I don't have it on me now. Come to my bedroom tonight after school and I'll show it to you."

About four hours later, when I came home from school, I spent two hours studying before coming downstairs for dinner. Mum cooked stir fry with duck while Dad waited for the food on the dining room table. Mum was yet to heat up the duck, so Dad and I sat on the table by ourselves. This gave my dad an opportunity to talk to me about issues he didn't want Mum hearing.

"Nancy called about twenty minutes ago," said Dad. "She wanted you to babysit again."

"What did you say?"

"I told her you couldn't babysit because you were busy studying." He paused for a few seconds. "Keith, I want you to find another job."

"Like what?"

"I don't know... work at a bank or something."

"Doing what?"

"It's up to you. Maybe you can be a teller."

"I don't know how to do that."

"They'll teach you. After being a teller, maybe they'll promote you. You'll be a big man."

"I get lots of money babysitting."

"It doesn't matter," said Dad. "I don't think that sort of job is right for you. Babysitting is the sort of thing women do."

"Oh, I didn't know that."

"There's a good reason why women do that sort of work. If I had a child I wouldn't want some boy like you looking after her."

I opened my mouth, about to say something before I forgot what it was.

"Okay then, Keith? I want you to find another job."

"Fine, I'll start looking for a job tonight after I finish dinner."

"Good boy." He patted me on the head as if I were a little kid.

After dinner I went back upstairs to my room and put on more comfortable clothes. I wore a black Nike jumper and hoped it wouldn't to be too hot outside. It was the afternoon anyway. Earlier in the day I had agreed to meet Eddie in his room in the afternoon, but he didn't specify a precise time, so I assumed he meant I could drop in anytime I wanted. Eddie told me that one of Mark's pornographic CDs contained strange images or video files. I wondered what these strange files were.

To my mum and dad, I announced to them I was going job hunting before walking out. I had no intentions to go job hunting. I just wanted to see Eddie. Everyone stops work in the afternoon, so how in the world could I go job hunting anyway? My parents were a little dumb.

It was six o'clock in the afternoon. The sun was setting on the horizon, the air quickly cooled, and the sky near the sunset turned bright pink and red.

I walked passed Lily's house and stopped to think. I was banned from ever babysitting the girl ever again, which made me sad in a way. From where I stood I noticed that Ella's bedroom window was wide open, so maybe I could climb in and see Lily.

After climbing up the tree, I crawled onto a branch that headed to Ella's bedroom window. When I climbed in, I noticed that Ella's bedroom was the same as it was when I last went there, except now that the lights were not on, the room seemed darker. This darkness made the place seem less inviting. Without much light, Ella's once big and bright room now looked small and dull. With Ella missing, the room seemed hollow and empty, as if walls, desks, and beds somehow lose their life when nobody uses them.

I peeked out from Ella's room and looked into the corridor, where I saw Nancy walking out from Lily's bedroom with a handful of Lily's clothing, including her school uniform. Downstairs I could hear the washing machine on, so Nancy was doing the laundry, which was strange because I thought people only did the laundry on weekends. Today was Wednesday. Lily must have stained her clothes at school.

As Nancy arrived at the top of the stairs, Lily followed her. She grabbed her mother's shirt from behind. "Mum... Mummy..."

"What is it?"

"Look at my fish pictures."

Nancy shooed her away and walked downstairs with the clothes.

I quietly followed Lily as she walked back inside her room.

Lily was sitting on the carpet. She wore a pink frill singlet and a white skirt embroidered with flowers. She held in her right hand a plastic bag filled with three small green fish swimming in water. Near her was an empty fish tank. Her bedroom window was wide open. She was surprised to see me.

"What are the fish for?" I asked, speaking so quickly that the words came out sounding strange.

"From the pond at the park," she said, holding up the plastic bag to her face. The water-filled bag magnified her facial features. "I think the fishes are hungry," she said.

The fish were as green as grass and like grass when exposed to light from the light bulb they turned bright green.